4 kids, different dads

[juscurious]

Do you judge? Honestly ?
This is my family, not me, but myself and my 3 other siblings, we all have different dads, it's never made a difference because we've always grown up together and see each other as full siblings anyway, but I do wonder if people would judge a woman in this situation?
I was lucky in a way because my dad lived with us and he was all of our dads so I didn't know any different, but my siblings apart from 1 never knew theirs.

If I knew and how would I know? I think I would treat the family with caution until I was sure that they were not making wrong decisions in everything.
That is they are not dysfunctional in other ways.
It is not an ideal way to have a family. There must have been serious errors in assessing risks around - what might go wrong- with partners and in attitude to contraception.

If as the OP says then they lead an ordinary life then I hope I would treat them as I would any other neighbouring family.
A separate point is that I don't know any families with 4 children. Very few with 3.

@Beezknees I also grew up with an absent father. That's why I also said about emotionally supporting.

It sounds chaotic. And chaos doesn’t make for stable childhoods. A lot of people don’t seem to think a relationship is real till it produces offspring, irrespective of how many they already have.

Sorry it probably would make me wonder. I would try not to be prejudice but I would think that they aren't very good at making choices. I would think the same about a man with 4 children with 4 women.

I can def understand 2, possibly 3 (could be teen+ LT relationship that ended in 20s + new partner in 30s). I think though if you are having kids with short term partners you need to really look at your contraceptive choices

I am sure you mum is lovely and has done her best and just made some very poor choices.

I wouldn't judge the kids, but yes I would judge the parents. People should be more careful to bring children into a relationship only once that relationship is stable and secure. Four kids by four fathers, I would make an assumption (right or wrong) that the mother and all of the fathers except the one who stuck around were being irresponsible.

I’d not judge the children, but I’d wonder about the mother’s decision making if multiples of her children have never met their fathers.

I would judge mothers who stay in shitty, dangerous situations because of the kids far more. All they kids may have the same father but it can be more destructive than the alternative.

Plenty of people should have left father 1 or even 2 or 3 etc but didn't or don't.

I think there's a difference too when they kids are spread out. 5 under 6 with 5 different days means, someone isn't learning from mistakes but sometimes it happens and it's not really anyone's fault. However, depending on circumstances vulnerability and ability to spot red flags becomes a challenge.

Once the kids are well looked after and cared for, that's the most important thing.

I'd be wondering what her own childhood was like. People will look for what is safe and familiar to them.

I agree. If I'm being completely honest yes I would judge the mother as someone who was irresponsible and made bad decisions.

I would not judge the children.

I wouldn’t judge the children.

I wish I could say I wouldn’t, but I’d probably judge the mum a bit. Mainly for introducing multiple men to her kids and for not prioritising her existing children with each new pregnancy/partner. I’d also feel sorry for her too though. People with a good sense of self worth don’t tend to make the decisions that would lead to 4 children with 4 different dads. I’d probably assume there was some trauma there.

I’d judge the dad’s that weren’t around far more though.

Judge individual women, if they took it all on and were good Mums? No, not at all.

But its nuanced. In principle I don't think it's ideal.

I judge the environment that makes it OK for men to have unprotected sex and go, women to keep risking pregnancy for the sake of a man, or sex (unless they proactively want a baby and plan to parent solo) , women who think little of their lives except to have repeated pregnancies (again unless pro actively planned) , and if I am completely truthful it isn't what I would choose as a role model for my Dc...so I wouldn't have done it.

But not much is ideal, in the real world.

Your Mum sounds as if she did a great job.

What’s the age differences between all four children OP?

I wouldn’t judge the children, it’s no reflection at all on them. Also, I wouldn’t judge a woman who had a couple of different dads for her DC. Relationships do break down and there’s nothing wrong with meeting a new partner and having DC with them (eventually).

But four times?? Yikes.

Four different dads…..being brutally honest, yes I probably would judge her. Of course, so much depends on context and information available.

But in the absence of any more information, I would probably assume the mum is a bit like Katie Price, popping out kids with a new bloke without waiting for a relationship to be established and stable. And more crucially, not considering the effect that more children with yet another man would have on her existing children.

And just to be absolutely clear, if I met a man who’s fathered four children from four different women, I’d run for the hills too.

The issue is about adults not properly considering the wellbeing of existing children. Four different dads suggests a very turbulent home life.

I would assume there is some underlying reason why your mum has children with three men who weren’t decent enough to hang around and parent their child.

i can see being a poor judge of character and making a mistake once but there is a pattern there. I would assume your mum perhaps has self esteem issues.

but as others have said - she said - I reserved the harsh judgement for the parent who skipped town.

No, I wouldn’t judge any of them. I wouldn’t worry about other people’s opinions. They need to get a life if they have the time to waste judging others and making them feel shite.

What’s the time line?

4 children and 4 failed relationships in 15 years is mighty bad luck.

4 children and 4 failed relationships in 8 years is more complex.

Ultimately though, it is the men who have done the running way and your mum is not responsible for their shitty behaviour.

OP said most of the dads are absent, so it sounds like the mother has continually made poor choices.

It's a tricky one and it depends , my default is too judge a woman having multiple children by multiple partners but On the other hand if everyone is still in touch and everyone gets on it sounds like it could be like a lovely supportive chaos .

You only have to read posts on here to see that yes, liking and even "loving" dickheads is very common.

Totally agree with you 💐

This.

I'd think she was of low socioeconomic status, probably had a poor or unstable childhood herself. I'd expect some sort of low level mental health issues (depression or anxiety or both) and probably low educational attainment.
I'd be very suprised if she'd worked whilst bringing her children up.
I'd wonder where she met man 2,3,4 etc as how much free time could she possibly have if she was putting sufficient energy into bringing up the children she already has ? I'd think she moved far too quickly and put her existing children at risk by introducing them to men she barely knew.

For the children, I'd wonder how such an unstable background affected them and how they all engage as adults.

So there is 3-4 years between the first 3, then 2 years between sibling 3 and 4.
I've no doubt my mom made some mistakes in picking men, but it takes two after all !
I don't know anything about one of my siblings father, none of us do. But the other two I know a little as it was never kept secret, one of the dads was on the scene but sibling chose not to see them anymore for personal reasons
And the other sibling made contact with their dad, who sadly rejected them

I'd judge the parents, and feel sorry for the kids

I'm being nosey here, but how on earth did she afford it?

Were your mums parents wealthy?

All us siblings have good relationships with each other and we're all close with our mom.
Also all close with my dad too

Not at all