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Original poster

As a 41 yo woman, would you date a 62 yo man ?

333 replies

Thekormachameleon · 11/12/2023 12:50

He's good looking, financially comfortable, works full time, funny, fit and healthy

But it just seems such a huge age gap

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 12/12/2023 21:49

Absolutely not!

I'm 38 and would be horrified if a man in his late 50s/early 60s tried it on with me!

There's 23 years between my DH and our DD, so itd feel like I was going out with my dad.

HamBone · 12/12/2023 22:28

FourteenTog · 12/12/2023 20:01

Wow, there is so much ageism in these answers.

No there isn’t, @FourteenTog . A 21 year age gap is very large, almost a generation. It’s not ageist to be realistic about that.

Catsmere · 12/12/2023 22:44

FourteenTog · 12/12/2023 20:01

Wow, there is so much ageism in these answers.

The "isms" don't come into it when dating and presumably sex are involved. Nobody is required to try to force attraction. On the potential caring front, I am 60 and caring for my mother, and speak from experience. Caring for one's partner would be an even greater burden imo.

FourteenTog · 12/12/2023 23:10

HamBone · 12/12/2023 22:28

No there isn’t, @FourteenTog . A 21 year age gap is very large, almost a generation. It’s not ageist to be realistic about that.

Show quote history

Yes there is. Ageism and ableism. People age differently. They may be or become disabled at different points. Not everything is about physical attraction. If it is about attraction, a 62 year old man who is maintaining himself with diet and exercise and has good genes may not want a menopausal woman in her 40s. How about a woman in her 20s who already needs care? Should she be single forever?

FourteenTog · 12/12/2023 23:12

Catsmere · 12/12/2023 22:44

The "isms" don't come into it when dating and presumably sex are involved. Nobody is required to try to force attraction. On the potential caring front, I am 60 and caring for my mother, and speak from experience. Caring for one's partner would be an even greater burden imo.

Show quote history

They do come into it. Presumably you wouldn't want someone who was racist or sexist. So why is ageist and ableist ok? Also, not everything is about sex? There's companionship, alignment of values, intellectual attraction, shared religion or culture, hell maybe even playing a doubles sport or musical duets. The whole business of living.

Catsmere · 12/12/2023 23:32

FourteenTog · 12/12/2023 23:12

They do come into it. Presumably you wouldn't want someone who was racist or sexist. So why is ageist and ableist ok? Also, not everything is about sex? There's companionship, alignment of values, intellectual attraction, shared religion or culture, hell maybe even playing a doubles sport or musical duets. The whole business of living.

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No, that's the opposite of what I'm getting at. You (general you) can't throw accusations of racism, ageism etc at someone for refusing to date a person who doesn't appeal to them, regardless of the reason - though it gets thrown at women too often for refusing men they're not interested in.

Of course sex isn't everything, but it's a fair assumption when dating is talked about, rather than just friendship, that it's going to be an element. Nobody is saying hell no to the prospect of being friends with a bloke twenty years older.

FourteenTog · 12/12/2023 23:36

Catsmere · 12/12/2023 23:32

No, that's the opposite of what I'm getting at. You (general you) can't throw accusations of racism, ageism etc at someone for refusing to date a person who doesn't appeal to them, regardless of the reason - though it gets thrown at women too often for refusing men they're not interested in.

Of course sex isn't everything, but it's a fair assumption when dating is talked about, rather than just friendship, that it's going to be an element. Nobody is saying hell no to the prospect of being friends with a bloke twenty years older.

Show quote history

There is ageism, and ableism, because people are writing like there's an expiry date after which perfectly physically functional people go kaput. The truth is people become sick any time, and I've known people to die at all.sorts of ages. If you love someone and want them in your life more than friendship allows, make a go of it. Nobody knows how much time they have. There's something so calculating about the use-by assumptions in some of these posts.

Catsmere · 12/12/2023 23:39

Calculating? Hardly. Realistic, more likely. I'm watching my sister go through this as her husband's health nosedives as he ages.

FourteenTog · 12/12/2023 23:41

Sorry for double post @Catsmere but yes, I would discern (not throw accusations of) racism or ageism in someone, not for refusing to 'date' (free fair and reasonable) but for the basic underlying attitude (if it was e.g. repulsion at typical ethnic features, skin colour etc.) (which wouldn't make me want to force them to date someone, rather to warn people off dating them!).

FourteenTog · 12/12/2023 23:44

Catsmere · 12/12/2023 23:39

Calculating? Hardly. Realistic, more likely. I'm watching my sister go through this as her husband's health nosedives as he ages.

Thanks for the anecdata. I'm sorry your personal situation is causing general bias. I don't want to serve up examples which would anyway be disbelieved, of wives or husbands dying young or being sharp and charming into old age and widowhood/widowerhood. I'm not without experiences myself. I also believe in in sickness and in health commitment, not deciding our fragile bodies are burdens because xyz needs change.

Swishyfishy · 12/12/2023 23:47

A fit healthy, active, busy 60 year old yes.

constancee · 12/12/2023 23:50

Fair enough @FourteenTog Sorry I can't quote your post at the moment, but I can see how it would come about in the examples you've given.

coldcallerbaiter · 12/12/2023 23:50

I do not get why women go for guys 20 years older unless they do not look it. or offer an unbelievable lifestyle...

I saw my family member go for much younger women like that in a less well developed country where women saw it as a route out of poverty, he must have turned their stomach...

minipie · 12/12/2023 23:50

It isn’t ageism to say that statistically a 60 something is likely to develop health problems sooner than a 40 something. That’s just a fact.

Of course it may turn out to be not true for this particular couple. Of course there are exceptions that buck the trend. But when OP is assessing a potential future relationship, it is reasonable to assume the outcome that is statistically more likely, and then decide if that bothers her.

Edited to remove typo

PosyPrettyToes · 12/12/2023 23:50

Absolutely not, as that’s the age of me and my parents!

Catsmere · 12/12/2023 23:51

Hmm, if they weren't talking to you about why they didn't fancy any particular person, how would you know? Either way, what business is their sex/romantic life of yours? The warning off bit still implies that they should be correcting their attitude and that all too often implies they should be dating someone they don't want to. It's too common for this to leak into telling women they're required to permit whatever man wants them that they have to say yes, or else they're [insert -ist here]. I have a hard line of women saying NO being an absolute and it doesn't matter why.

FourteenTog · 12/12/2023 23:55

Catsmere · 12/12/2023 23:51

Hmm, if they weren't talking to you about why they didn't fancy any particular person, how would you know? Either way, what business is their sex/romantic life of yours? The warning off bit still implies that they should be correcting their attitude and that all too often implies they should be dating someone they don't want to. It's too common for this to leak into telling women they're required to permit whatever man wants them that they have to say yes, or else they're [insert -ist here]. I have a hard line of women saying NO being an absolute and it doesn't matter why.

If their racism/ageism had upset my friend or relative, I'd know! And I wouldn't trust them to manage a team, teach children, assess promotions etc. either. I'm not talking about "don't fancy somrone who happens to be whatever" but the actual revulsion some people show or express towards difference. Even when they're dating, yes. If you don't know what I'm talking about I'd guess you live in a very mixed and equal place, or that all your friends are homogeneous.

HamBone · 12/12/2023 23:57

FourteenTog · 12/12/2023 23:10

Yes there is. Ageism and ableism. People age differently. They may be or become disabled at different points. Not everything is about physical attraction. If it is about attraction, a 62 year old man who is maintaining himself with diet and exercise and has good genes may not want a menopausal woman in her 40s. How about a woman in her 20s who already needs care? Should she be single forever?

Show quote history

@FourteenTog I completely agree that people age differently, but I still think that when one partner is easily old enough to be the other’s parent, it’s too much of a gap. If you get on well, be friends. But don’t get romantically involved, you’ve had your youth/middle age with your peers, let them have theirs.

At 49, I wouldn’t want a 28-year-old to spend their late 20’s/30’s with middle-aged me, it’s not fair.

steppemum · 12/12/2023 23:58

in these scenarios it is never about the now, but about the future.

From your lats post I am guessing that for you this is just a now thing, for a while, couple of years if whatever.
In which case why not?

For the longer term it would be a hard no. I am 56 and my brother is 60 next year. We are still 'young' fit and healthy and living life to the full. I still have school age kids.

My parents are 83. They are 'old'. Not massively, mum is still really healthy, but getting frail and needing help.

This 20 years make a huge huge difference. So when you are 60, like he is now, he will be an old man. That is not something I would want.
You end up being old with him (doing the rounds of doctors etc) then when he dies aged 90, you have just begun to actually get old yourself.

FourteenTog · 13/12/2023 00:01

HamBone · 12/12/2023 23:57

@FourteenTog I completely agree that people age differently, but I still think that when one partner is easily old enough to be the other’s parent, it’s too much of a gap. If you get on well, be friends. But don’t get romantically involved, you’ve had your youth/middle age with your peers, let them have theirs.

At 49, I wouldn’t want a 28-year-old to spend their late 20’s/30’s with middle-aged me, it’s not fair.

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But they have agency and are of sound mind? I'm almost hoping that people in this thread will find themselves courted by persistent younger beaux and belles. And won't try to patronise them out of their desire.

My grandparents had an age gap and were very much in love all their lives. Were they wrong?

HamBone · 13/12/2023 00:02

FourteenTog · 13/12/2023 00:01

But they have agency and are of sound mind? I'm almost hoping that people in this thread will find themselves courted by persistent younger beaux and belles. And won't try to patronise them out of their desire.

My grandparents had an age gap and were very much in love all their lives. Were they wrong?

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@FourteenTog it’s great that they were happy together. How old were they when they met?

FourteenTog · 13/12/2023 00:03

I'm stepping away because it's genuinely upsetting to see so many people find caring medically for a partner is horrible. May you never get long covid. Or have difficult pregnancies. I believe in romance and tenderness. Not consumerist dating.

mantyzer · 13/12/2023 00:06

Most people end up caring for a partner or being cared for. It is part of any ling relationship. But most people do not want to invite this in at an earlier stage in their life than most would expect.

FourteenTog · 13/12/2023 00:07

HamBone · 13/12/2023 00:02

@FourteenTog it’s great that they were happy together. How old were they when they met?

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Late teens and late twenties. He was quiet and she was very much not.

MarjorieDanvers · 13/12/2023 00:11

why not? Same age as George Clooney and only 2 years older than Brad!