Does DH have a point- workload

[Allthescreens]

Just had an interesting conversation with DH. He is feeling rather fed up at the moment (I suspect depression may be playing a part) & rudderless & feels like our life is rubbish. I said I don't feel that way & it makes me sad that he does.

Anyway, it seems a large part of his depression/resentment stems from the fact that he feels he works a lot more than I do & I enjoy my job. He feels I have a lot more free time.

He works 35 hours per week, 3-4 days from home. He then runs DS1 to football training twice a week in the evenings. He will do the dishwasher once when he's wfh & will cook about 3 nights per week, but I plan what we have. He does have our 3 DSes every other Saturday as I work 9-5 then, usually takes them to see my parents or his dad (120 miles away) & watch football.

I work 18.5 hours, including every other Saturday. I have 3 days not in work per week & I do all other housework, school stuff, medical stuff (averaging an appointment every other week as DS2 has autism, ADHD, epilepsy, asthma & more, then picking up prescriptions as he is on 5 meds for which the dosage is ever changing), present buying, decluttering (selling on to get more cash) etc. Plus all homework with DS2 as he can't do it himself & is very slow, that's usually an hour per night. Dses are all school age.

He wants to work less or get a job he enjoys more but feels he can't as we neer his wage coming in. I have offered to take on overtime or get a second job, but DH says this will not make much difference. So I feel a bit floored & floundering, at a loss as to how to make things better.

Do you think that he has actually been fired and hasn’t told you yet?

sorry, I don’t want to add to your distress, but I wouldn’t be surprised. He doesn’t sound like a dream employee, and his employment history seems a bit meh.

I suppose what it comes down to is , do you still love him, and want to live with him until death does you part? If you do, well, you just have to try and find a way of feeding your family and keeping a roof above your heads, because I don’t think that your bloke’ s plans are going to do that, and I don’t think the taxpayer is going to step into the breach under the circumstances you have outlined.

If you don’t, I would start planning a life without him.

I wish you a better life going forward.

I work 60s a week and do the kids’ sports clubs at the weekend. I’d love his hours.

Honestly OP I used to live with someone like your DH who did at least acknowledge and medicate his MH issues but you need to nip the last paragraph in the bud, he is completely undervaluing your domestic and childcaring roles and has a disproportionate view on leisure time, begrudging your coffee out while doing his clubs and football.

While MH issues are valid unfortunately so many men already have the mindset of 'womens work' and overestimate their contributions to the household. PP's suggestion of writing it all down is a good idea.

Yes good point there, sadly he could already have lost his job or be on a performance plan with that aim.

This thread has brought a lot back actually and I know projection is often unhelpful but gosh one of the worst things about being in a relationship with someone with depression was all the sudden extreme plans. My ex was constantly talking about 'career breaks' ie me supporting him to do a pointless masters degree, or writing (yes it was writing as well!) or retrain (but with no plan or research into the cost and how long it would take to be earning a reasonable amount again). He once even bought a travel visa for a year in another country without saying anything first.

It was stressful enough knowing that I owned the house and earned enough to support myself should anything happen, can't imagine throwing kids with complex needs into the mix.

Just before I get jumped on I don't think everyone with depression is like this, I know several people in really well functioning relationships, its just OP's situation really resonates.

Oh my good when you said writing it rang so many alarm bells (joking not joking!). I and every other writer dream of writing being our sole earning job and that’s only the case for a handful of people. I’d say he’s listening/looking at people online and wishing he could just be sitting tapping away. It’s a curse- I always say I would recommend people keep on writing but never ever tell them to start if they don’t- the comparison itis, the rejection, the brain slump when nothing’s coming. Sorry if I’m wrong here but it messes with your mh so much! (From an author of rom coms who has only earned enough to pay a few bills in ten years!!)

@Blinkityblonk totally agree with all of your posts.

OP, I'm a writer, and make a living from it. Your husband sounds like a fantasist

He is absolutely dreaming if he thinks he can make any money, let alone good money, writing like that. Jesus Christ.

He flits between jobs, that’s all he’s doing now. And his plan to still do fuck all towards the house is finally offensive.

Hopefully he’ll seek the mental health support he so clearly needs, because what he is proposing, and the way he’s treating you OP, is appalling.

I'd love to work only 35 hours / week.

It sounds like he has form for thinking and behaving this way if he never stays long in a job - always somone else's fault at work or tasks not stimulating enough for "superbrain". He has you feeling really guilty and doing backflips working out how to make his "dreams come true" and at the same time not ask too much of him or relieve some burdens. Who takes care of you? Truth is he doesn't want to work really but thinks he is special and should be recognised for it. I bet it's nearly always about "his needs" (such as expensive hobboes and quiet time). He likely will never put in the hard graft and networking needed these days to have a miniscule chance of becoming a writer who can earn a living from it.

You need to accept this is who he is and that you will be the one to "save" the family financially and be the workhorse. You need to set very strong boundaries and not become his "whipping boy" and put upon research assistant. You have a strong intuition that France is not right for your family - so don't waste time researching all the ins and outs of that for him. Tell him clearly it wont be happening.

Did your DH have some trauma in his childhood - perhaps he needs to work through that before he can be happier in himself and able to appreciate the great family you have created?

I know this sounds harsh but when I met my ex husband I said I'm not living with someone who doesn't work or pull their weight for our family. He agreed this. It was a condition of our marriage.
Then after the marriage he dedicated his life to his hobbies and getting sacked from one job after another. We are divorced now.
It was ok apparently for me to do literally everything and bring home the bacon.
I am simy not tolerating this with any man. It was also a very bad example for my son.
He's now cocklodging with some other fool.
Does your husband have no desire to take care of his family?
He sounds like a total waste of space. Stop trying to fix a deadbeat dad and get rid of him.

Is he prepared to give up the gym membership and other expenses ?

This situation destroyed the marriage of friends of mine. He hated his well paid job and gave it up to be an ambulance driver. But he wouldn’t give up a very expensive hobby ( think something like flying lessons).

She couldn’t get him to understand the seriousness of the situation. They didn’t have DC and when she lost patience she divorced him.

I haven’t read past your last post so haven’t read the entire thread but what an absolute bell end. He sounds incredibly selfish and all me me me. If he leaves his job, I would leave him. If he thinks UC will leave him alone to lie in bed all day…sorry “write” then he’s very much mistaken. They will hound to take whatever job he can find. That’s if you’re awarded it in the first place after becoming willingly unemployed. LTB.

I don't know that much about Freemasons but I'm pretty sure they are supposed to help each other out. Could he seek advice from a brother/elder (if these are the correct terms)?

Is he also neurodivergent? Given that you have a child who is, and these things are often genetic?

He seems to be a bit of a fantastist, very focused on the negatives, and that's fine if it were just him. But he has responsibilities to his 3 sons. He can have a long term plan and a short term plan. In the long term he'd like to be writing, but in the short term your top priority has to be the financial security of his family. Fulfilment can come later.

You could help support the long term by working more. Maybe a bit of cleaning work locally? I do think given that one of your working days is Saturday you could take on more in the week. I have two children with complex needs too- one autistic, one with a serious medical issue - and managing appointments requires flexibility rather than full days at a time. Picking up a few hours would be possible I am sure.

I guess at the end of the day you are either a team, or you aren't. At the moment you aren't, and that's mostly him, but perhaps a little bit of you being much more content, and so seeing little need to change things.

He has been to the GP & was given a number for a helpline.

Has he rung it?

35hrs a week isn’t a really huge workload but he’s clearly making a point you are working half of that. But if he would like the split all the life admin offer to work more and he works less. But he will be doing a bigger share of other things.

4yrs worth of debt left & he wants to decrease his hrs/pay rather than increase them!

Also Op-if you want to work more-why don't you?

Does he ever have the kids by himself?

School admin job is high pressured for the low pay you get.

Also would you get UC if you willingly cut your hours and take a much lower paid job, surely that is a lifestyle choice and shouldn't be covered by benefits?

Hi OP,
Sorry you are in such a tough position. It’s horrible having a depressed partner.

Does he take an anti-depressant? Would he consider it? For many people that keeps them feeling well.

If he is down because he hates his job then leaving might be the answer - but is he just generally down - and will still be down in a new job? - only down and skint as well?

If he doesn’t hate his actual job but just resents the time it takes up I would be tempted to ask him if he will try writing one day at the weekend. I know he has the kids every other Saturday while you work but could you have them every Sunday or one week Saturday, one week Sunday? Tell him if he is productive and writing on this one day each week and particularly if he can generate any income from it you could look at reducing his hours in paid work to supplement with writing. I think he could do with proving that he can motivate himself to write as he doesn’t seem to spend his free time now writing.

You say that you could sell up and buy somewhere in France, but also that you are under quite a burden of debt that will take some time to pay off. All of you but particularly your husband could do with something to look forward to. I agree with you that it’s not in your kids best interests to sell up and travel Europe but spending for example May half term exploring Italy sounds pretty cool.

Could you move house or remortgage for a longer term to remove the burden of this debt? I know some people will say you would be moving unsecured debt to secured against your house and advise against it but it sounds like by the time you pay off your debts some of your kids might be adults and you won’t get this time again. Could your husband stick with his job as a means to an end if he had something to look forward to?

It sounds as if his hobbies are taking over, he spends a lot of time and money on hobbies already and now wants to expand them into his working hours.
He has previous form for tiring of jobs and jacking them in and so it is part a repeating cycle for him.
You place the blame on his depression but he’s always been like this, however it is a more extreme version of past behaviour that he now wants to sink into a state of benefit based struggle and money stress.

Yes I think it is the feeling trapped with no way out that is so depressing.

Maybe making a plan would help, I think MSE is a really good place to get support/advice on paying off debts. If he could see light at the end of the tunnel it might help.

Two things jumped out at me, the major one being

"I don't know if he knows what he wants. He has been in his job for nearly 2 years & has never stuck at any job much longer than that."

I'm sorry, all his big talk about being a writer is just that - talk. If he REALLY wanted to be a writer, he'd be using what scraps of time he had to write (and it sounds like he does have a lot of time!), he'd be rearranging his costly leisure pursuits to make time to write, he'd have a notebook in his back pocket to jot down ideas as they occur to him - he'd already be a writer, albeit unpaid. He'd have some sort of blog / wordpress site already out there. But he doesn't, does he?

He STILL doesn't know what he wants. And he's simply not one for sticking at things. If he resigns and takes a low-paid low-hours job, I can guarantee he'll soon say he needs ALL his time to write and needs to quit even that.

I wonder what he'd do, two years after giving up any paid work?

The other thing that jumped out at me was

"I do think a lot of it may come from grief. His mum died just over 2 years ago, quite young, of dementia. His parents never did a lot of things they would have together, due to this. He keeps saying we might drop down dead any day, not having really done anything."

It may be how he justifies (to himself) not sticking at things (life's too short, yadda yadda yadda), but I don't think that's really his motivation to down tools, sell up and move to France. I go back to "has never stuck at any job much longer than [2 years]", which at 46 means he's had a lot of jobs. His inability to stick at anything MUST predate her death, and probably her illness too.

So no, I don't think his behaviour stems from grief, not really. His restlessness predates it by a long way.

The way you write - it forms a picture for me of you facilitating him, whatever he wants; all these job-hops, all these expensive hobbies - maybe all that debt? Have you ever told him "no"?

Has he factored in that he may not get the school job? Is he going to leave his current job before having another role to move to?

I was turned down for many jobs as over qualified and the school may think he will not be a long term employee and not hire him. They will want someone with recent admin experience who will stay. And he may not be the only parent applying as many mums want a part time role fitting around child care so will be up against them too.

Plus I now work in school admin and it isnt as easy as it sounds, its not always possible to leave at the end of the day if you have a pupil needing help, you cant just walk out.

OP isn’t working half that. She is a carer too. So she is probably working more attending to DC2s autistic needs.

don’t diminish the caring element she does.