Does DH have a point- workload

[Allthescreens]

Just had an interesting conversation with DH. He is feeling rather fed up at the moment (I suspect depression may be playing a part) & rudderless & feels like our life is rubbish. I said I don't feel that way & it makes me sad that he does.

Anyway, it seems a large part of his depression/resentment stems from the fact that he feels he works a lot more than I do & I enjoy my job. He feels I have a lot more free time.

He works 35 hours per week, 3-4 days from home. He then runs DS1 to football training twice a week in the evenings. He will do the dishwasher once when he's wfh & will cook about 3 nights per week, but I plan what we have. He does have our 3 DSes every other Saturday as I work 9-5 then, usually takes them to see my parents or his dad (120 miles away) & watch football.

I work 18.5 hours, including every other Saturday. I have 3 days not in work per week & I do all other housework, school stuff, medical stuff (averaging an appointment every other week as DS2 has autism, ADHD, epilepsy, asthma & more, then picking up prescriptions as he is on 5 meds for which the dosage is ever changing), present buying, decluttering (selling on to get more cash) etc. Plus all homework with DS2 as he can't do it himself & is very slow, that's usually an hour per night. Dses are all school age.

He wants to work less or get a job he enjoys more but feels he can't as we neer his wage coming in. I have offered to take on overtime or get a second job, but DH says this will not make much difference. So I feel a bit floored & floundering, at a loss as to how to make things better.

Why don't you offer to swap? You get a full time job earning similar to what your husband does and do the same household responsibilities he does, then he can get a part time job with the same hours/salary and household responsibilities you currently do and see if that solves the problem?

So your husband works a standardish full time job (sometimes 37/40 hour options just saying), clearly no shift work involved or 12 hour long shifts/overnight work? has time and finances to do football, gym, Freemasons yada yada yada. Will unload the dishwasher every now and then and says life isn’t fair and begrudges you a coffee every now and then with a friend???? You have a husband problem and not a life problem. He does not have a point and is clearly having mh difficulties or is an entitled man child….. feels like he is feeling a bit crap and trying to drag you down with him. Please don’t let him xxx

He could stop the activities and use the cash towards a writers retreat annually? Esp if he has 5 days extra?
I get hating his job and the impact on his MH but isn’t the sensible thing to do for you both to get your debt cleared and then take a proper shot at a full time career as a writer?

anti depressants , savings plan, exit strategy. Mark off the days if necessary.

It seems everything has to be on his terms. He resents you even going for a coffee once a month!! He really doesn't know how good he has got it. What do you get out of this relationship?

Sorry bur for what it's worth he is being selfish. Typical of some middle aged men with kids. Yes it is a reaponsuvility financial and time wise. Yes it is a slog with chores at home but as parents we have to battle on. Women are there picking up pieces of self indulgent men. I hate my job but need every penny as a single parent especially as exH has decided he is struggling and can't pay toward kids now. We earn roughly the same....
Managed to pay for wedding and new pets though.
Tell him to jog on

He can't have his cake & eat it! Sounds like a classic mid life crisis to me. 3 kids is probably a lot of work & he's mid 40s & reassessing his life & where he sees his future. We all do that at times. It's good he's been to the doctors but honestly with 4 more years til you've paid off your CC debt he really can't just jack in his well paid job & drop to 9K. That sounds like madness to me. He needs to drop some of his hobbies & pursue his writing in his spare time. Mid/late 40s is usually a time people are coming to the end of mortgage payments & saving up to help kids with driving lessons/University costs if they want to go. Sounds like he's only thinking about himself & not the needs of the whole family.

There is an update to this: DH got made redundant 2 weeks ago! He had been at the firm for just short of 2 years, so has been offered a payout of 3 months. The total is roughly half our credit card debts.

For the last couple of weeks he has been really happy about this as he wanted to leave anyway & this way he got a lump sum & also able to freely look for work (rather than hiding it from his employers). He has been job searching for lots of hours a day & also doing some of his writing. He is getting rather despondent now as he feels there is nothing out there & he will have to go back to a similar job, which he doesn't want to do.

His employment officially terminates tomorrow, so we will apply for UC then, as an interim measure. I'm not really sure how to feel about it all!

Oh crikey, how worrying!

has he actually paid off the debts? Guessing not as he’s still glib about the money lump sum.

This is a case of be careful what you wish for!

He gets the money on what would be February payday, so the end of the month. But even then, I don't know what is best to do with it. We could use it all to pay off half our debt & be maybe £200 better off per month in that regard & he could get a slightly lower paying job. Or we could pay off a third of the debt & keep a small amount back for daily living. Or all of it! Or go on holiday in half term, as the big holiday we were going to have in summer probably won't happen now. Who knows!

Don't use it to go on holiday!! That would be really risky in your current financial situation.

I agree that a spending on a holiday doesn't make sense.
I would lean towards paying off the debt as anything other than that might encourage DH to stop working which he can't actually afford to do.
A redundancy payment is definitely better than him just quitting but the payout shouldn't be squandered.

I'd say what he does is pretty standard.

For some context, I have three children under 6 and work 28 hours a week. I do all the life admin and cooking and one of our kids has a condition that means frequent hospital appts on top of the other various clubs and appts the other two do.

My husband works 40 hours a week and does all the cleaning, most of the school and nursery drop offs and pick ups and all bills etc.

We're flat out, both shattered and both pretty low at the moment. But that's busy family life. We've never resented the other, we just try to work as a team.

Your husband needs a bit of a wake up call I think. This is family life. It'll get easier as the kids age but that's about it, I'm afraid.

I would try to spend as little as possible of his payout until he gets a new role and you know what he is bringing in. Then decide what to do with the money.
Try to clear debt then.

I doubt he'll ever be happy

Has a standard job - doesn't like it and wants to be creative
Doesn't have a job - gets despondent and realises it's not as easy as he thought
Is creative - no one buys it - gets despondent and realises it's not as easy and has to really work at it
Wants to be part time AND be creative - see above

It's life, we have to work to get nice things, it's shit, welcome to the real world

I also presume he's not doing all the cooking and cleaning, kids stuff etc whilst he's at home all day because it doesn't fit in with him being creative and applying for jobs. But the op manages to work a job and do the cooking and cleaning

applying for writing or creative jobs initially over February sounds good, then widening the net and applying for other jobs March onwards. Personally I’d put half the redundancy pay into an account and not touch it. The other half I’d pay off credit cards. No holiday until job situation resolved.

I agree with @Fetaa

Paying debts is always a good thing but you need to keep some if the money for daily living (tucked away atm!!) in case it takes ‘longer than planned’ to find a job.
No hols until he has a job and has passed the probation period.

I personally think he is going to find ‘being creative’ much harder work than he thinks.