Does DH have a point- workload

[Allthescreens]

Just had an interesting conversation with DH. He is feeling rather fed up at the moment (I suspect depression may be playing a part) & rudderless & feels like our life is rubbish. I said I don't feel that way & it makes me sad that he does.

Anyway, it seems a large part of his depression/resentment stems from the fact that he feels he works a lot more than I do & I enjoy my job. He feels I have a lot more free time.

He works 35 hours per week, 3-4 days from home. He then runs DS1 to football training twice a week in the evenings. He will do the dishwasher once when he's wfh & will cook about 3 nights per week, but I plan what we have. He does have our 3 DSes every other Saturday as I work 9-5 then, usually takes them to see my parents or his dad (120 miles away) & watch football.

I work 18.5 hours, including every other Saturday. I have 3 days not in work per week & I do all other housework, school stuff, medical stuff (averaging an appointment every other week as DS2 has autism, ADHD, epilepsy, asthma & more, then picking up prescriptions as he is on 5 meds for which the dosage is ever changing), present buying, decluttering (selling on to get more cash) etc. Plus all homework with DS2 as he can't do it himself & is very slow, that's usually an hour per night. Dses are all school age.

He wants to work less or get a job he enjoys more but feels he can't as we neer his wage coming in. I have offered to take on overtime or get a second job, but DH says this will not make much difference. So I feel a bit floored & floundering, at a loss as to how to make things better.

I am trying to put across a balanced view, but naturally can only put across my side. He genuinely does only the dishwasher & about half the evening meals, where housework is concerned. He will also do DIY where necessary & grab in the washing when it's raining if I ask in time & am not there. He will help DS2 with science homework as I can't understand it & does haircuts a few times a year.

I am not unhappy with my workload & balance. I don't work as much, so I should do more other stuff. I am unhappy that he doesn't recognise it & resents me for it.

I always try to combine coffee etc with things that need doing otherwise it feels like I'm wasting time! And I feel like DH will judge me & resent me for that too & I want to avoid that if I can.

Sometimes life is just shit. He's lost his mum, he's working in a job he doesn't like but you're reliant on the money, there's a lot on with the kids, there's debt.

It's not a competition as to who has it worse, he feels crap right now.

I missed the bit his mum dying. My mum died just over 2 years ago. And I think that’s one of the reasons I feel a bit like ‘there has to be more than this’.

My mum was 66. So not young but not old. She worked her whole life and died a few weeks after retirement. Completely out of the blue. It has left me with a feeling of there has to be better way. A way to enjoy life more than I am doing, more than just relentless working and just making ends meet, in case I die at a similar age or younger.

There could also be real concern that he could develop dementia and die at a young age too.

I totally get all that, which is why I don't say anything to him about all his hobbies & why I have suggested that I get more work. But his answer is no & it won't make him happy. So I'm at a loss as to what will.

Maybe just now nothing will make him happier? Could you just be alongside him while he's sad?

You said I am a fixer so I always try & offer solutions & I'm floored that there are none to this (none that he will accept) but maybe now is more a time for understanding than solving.

My ex was a bit like this before we split. Being painfully honest, I just think he didn't enjoy the realities of family life. He is not a naturally selfless person and I do think he resented having to compromise a lot.

We split in the summer. Ironically he is now in a new relationship while I'm still single. He's permanently skint while I am better off (guess who was frittering away all of our money). We do 50/50 with the kids. He would have to tell you if he is happier or not now. What I do know is that I am much happier focusing on myself without his dark cloud hanging over the house.

An update: DH has finally admitted that what is really getting him down is his job. He doesn't feel like he is using any if his skills at all & is frustrated by this. He feels he is stuck in it because the pay is very good & we need that amount to keep up with our debt repayments.

This is true, although if he did not do the paid for activities he does we could save £100-£200 per month. He gets an extra 5 days annual leave from January, so I have told him to treat that as work days of ge wishes & I will take care of everything else, so he can pursue his writing uninterrupted. I have also said I will do more activity runs so he can do writing in the evenings if he wishes.

He is very depressed today & barely talking, except to snap at me & the DC. He is not really doing much other than sitting with his eyes closed, listening to the radio loudly. This is I think because of his depression, so I am working around it & stepping up even more than usual, but it is hard with the DC & work. It is very uncomfortable & making me not want to be at home tbh. He had a day off on Tuesday so that he could go on a big night out in London, and we had lunch together. He was very happy then, but even more depressed than usual yesterday.

He is going to the GP on Monday to talk about it, so I'm hopeful that will help. The situation as it is seems almost unbearable 😔

He's got you exactly where he wants you hasn't he? Extra time off, no responsibility, can continue to whine about his job while spending money on his hobbies. Sorry love, but you've got mug written all over you

So you can't have any time to yourself without him judging you, but he has multiple hobbies every week?

@Allthescreens as you said yourself, this is not something you can solve for him. I’m nit even sure that suggesting solutions such as ‘i can take a second job’ is a good idea tbh.
He needs counselling to help him get more clarity in what’s going on - from grief to being sure his life has some meaning.

What I would do is to stir away any discussion around comparing his and your life - you have a coffee with friends once a month and it’s not fair etc….
If he goes down that road, I’d go back to talking about him, what he is doing, how he can make his life better. Otherwise, it all becomes a ‘oh poor me’ victim exercise that doesn’t help him, makes you feel grumpy (with good reasons!) and create the perfect ground for resentment on both sides.

(see also some answers on this thread - how dare he have an issue with you having a coffee once a month when he has all those hobbies himself etc….)

Sorry somehow missed your last update 🫣🫣

I wouldn’t automatically step up even more tbh.
If he is that depressed and can’t do stuff anymore, yes then you’ll have to step up. But stepping up so he can have even more time for himself when this will not solve his issue (work) I’m not sure this is productive tbh.

I feel cynical about this - there's an awful lot of concessions YOU are making to help HIS mental health. The only thing that stops me from rolling my eyes so hard they fall out my head is that he IS going to the doctor. That does suggest he actually sees that there is a problem. The big tell will be what is the outcome of that? Does he come back with meds? Or does he come back with instructions from the doctor to "take it easy"?

Also, in yoru list of things you're doing to help him, the only thing HE is doing is going to the doctor. Any other things he's going to do to get past this funk and actually feel better or is it all on you?

I think it’s very telling that he doesn’t appear depressed when engaging in fun stuff with friends or his hobbies, but is depressed when it comes to any responsibility and not being able to do what he wants when he wants. From my understanding of depression it doesn’t typically work that way. I’d definitely be keeping that in mind moving forwards. I’d also be wary of taking on too much of his responsibility as I wouldn’t want you to set a precedent and burn yourself out.

Actually, thinking about it, can you go to the doctor with him? Because a) you need to be sure that he is telling the full severity of the situation and b) so that you can hear the doctor's thoughts from the horse's mouth as it were.

If you have an autistic child, I would recommend looking into how much support there is in France before moving there.
I've not found it very supportive at all. They often use a very "refrigerator mother" model to understand autism and encourage things like joint therapy to fix the relationship with the mother that they believe causes autism.

I have a job and I'm a writer. If he wants to write, he'll carve the time out of the day that he currently has. Writing can be very therapeutic, but beware the 'wannabe' writer who gives up work to write 'a bestseller'. Most of us make less than £7k a year. And there can be loads of pressure on you.

He is deeply depressed and probably having a mid-life crisis triggered by his mum's death. He needs medication and therapy. Moving will not help. If you move a depressed person they will just be depressed in a new location. Depression is chemical; he needs medical intervention, a psychiatrist if possible.

Do you understand anything about depression??

Whether he is depressed or not running yourself into the ground won't actually help anyone.
Don't agree to take on too much extra responsibility.

Your DH needs to follow through on medication and therapy to manage his low mood or depression.

Moving abroad is challenging when you are both in good mental health it isn't going to be a solution for low mood. Leaving aside whether it would totally mess up your dc.

Indeed and it's not enough yet. He's chipping away at it slowly.

No point in giving any advice. When you're a SN parent you grow accustomed to being close to burn out and putting your needs last. I'd be telling him to buck up, get the help he needs or fuck off and live somewhere else if his life is so miserable. I'd rather be on benefits than put up with an adult who wants his arse wiped

Yes. Thank you for your concern about my mental health.

He sounds a bit unkind. I get that he's feeling down, but it's mean of him to have a go at you for going for the occasional coffee, when you both agree that he does far more socialising and paid activities than you overall. Don't let him take away your small pleasures OP.

Updating this thread: DH's latest plan is to quit the job he is currently doing & instead get a 15-hour admin role at the DS's school. It would pay £9k, instead of the £45k he is on. With the spare hours, he would do lots of writing work. He says there is plenty out there which would pay (writing for TV, which is his industry) & if not, he could do unpaid writing to build up his portfolio & top up our finances with Universal Credit. Because the job he is looking at is term-time only & he would be working fewer hours than me in that, i asked if he would be responsible for housework/childcare/medical appointments especially during the school holidays, but he hasn't answered, so I'm assuming not.

I don't know how I feel about this. I can see he is desperately unhappy & needs to change. I can see this would be better for him, to work on his writing. But I think that financially we would be no better off & I feel uneasy about claiming Universal Credit when he currently has a well-paid job which is not in any danger.

He says he currently has no time to do anything. I suggested writing in his spare time, but he says he has none. But over the holidays, he wasn't working for 11 days. I had 4 days off. He didn't do any writing then, or even get out of bed before I left for work at 8.45am. And he finishes at 5pm every evening, I am happy to take over for a couple of hours to give him time to write.

I feel like this is crucial to our marriage. If we don't change something, he won't be happy & we won't survive. But if we do, I will be less happy than I am now, not to mention the DC. I feel very much like I'm being handed an ultimatum.

He wants to ship the DC to my parents this afternoon, so we can talk about it. I have nothing to say & feel like it will just be him talking at me until I agree & that scares me 😔 I honestly don't know what to do.

Wow! What's his plan regarding family finances, Op?

Will he even get the job - school adminis as much personality fit as skill set and I don’t think he will get it and he still wants you to do everything and how do finances work

he is living in a dreamland the first step should be to see of he can get supplemental writing work and take it from there

hold firm on how this impacts you and what you want