Does DH have a point- workload

[Allthescreens]

Just had an interesting conversation with DH. He is feeling rather fed up at the moment (I suspect depression may be playing a part) & rudderless & feels like our life is rubbish. I said I don't feel that way & it makes me sad that he does.

Anyway, it seems a large part of his depression/resentment stems from the fact that he feels he works a lot more than I do & I enjoy my job. He feels I have a lot more free time.

He works 35 hours per week, 3-4 days from home. He then runs DS1 to football training twice a week in the evenings. He will do the dishwasher once when he's wfh & will cook about 3 nights per week, but I plan what we have. He does have our 3 DSes every other Saturday as I work 9-5 then, usually takes them to see my parents or his dad (120 miles away) & watch football.

I work 18.5 hours, including every other Saturday. I have 3 days not in work per week & I do all other housework, school stuff, medical stuff (averaging an appointment every other week as DS2 has autism, ADHD, epilepsy, asthma & more, then picking up prescriptions as he is on 5 meds for which the dosage is ever changing), present buying, decluttering (selling on to get more cash) etc. Plus all homework with DS2 as he can't do it himself & is very slow, that's usually an hour per night. Dses are all school age.

He wants to work less or get a job he enjoys more but feels he can't as we neer his wage coming in. I have offered to take on overtime or get a second job, but DH says this will not make much difference. So I feel a bit floored & floundering, at a loss as to how to make things better.

Are the kids going somewhere this afternoon so that you can talk? You need to write down all your outgoings and use that as a starting point. Dropping £30k+ sounds like madness when you earn £11k. What do you do that means you can’t do more hours? With that much debt, it sounds like you both need to be full time.

Your DH should not quit his job until he has his writing up and running and making money and not until his mental health is being addressed and on an even keel.
You both could increase his time available to write by taking on more child care yourself and by him being religiously disciplined to write some set evenings and one whole day on the weekend. He could swap some of his hobby time to writing too. .
You seem like a positive, glass is always full, person so it must be hard to understand your husband's disappointment in life.
He needs reminding of his good fortune. He has the opportunity to seek help, to tweek his life style and writing time yet he reacts like a victim. He is a victim of his own making.

He’s just in a bad mood and wants a rise out of you. I would just go out and leave him too it tbh.

That's very unfair. I am absolutely sure that OP's DH's time spent considering whether to start writing is more important than the kids whatever their age.

What an absolute load of tripe.

He sounds depressed but might be needing reflection time to recharge every week. Constant being switched on as Dad or employee takes a toll.

Oh dear poor wee soul, how terrible having to have chosen to have a family and then have to bear the responsibility for them like an adult.

Any thoughts for the mother who has to be constantly switched on as a mother with a child with additional issues that require medication, hospital and doctor visits all whilst managing a house and working?

Can you make a bit of a plan for living in France for a couple of years in, say, five years time?

As others have pointed out - you cannot just rock up and live in France you will only be allowed to stay for 90 days with a Visa in any 12 month period or you will need to take up residence which requires a guaranteed, long term income to support yourselves and payment of private medical insurance amongst other strict criteria.

As for the other guff about walking to buy bread, words fail me.

So he wants yo work less, earn less, not.step up to do more at home but IS miraculously going to write more even though currently whenever he gets an opportunity to do so he chooses not to?

Op, you need to be prepared for this to be a failure and thay you might need to walk away.

I hated most of the jobs I had, but you know what? It’s tough shit. You get on with it because you have to. There’s no way he can take a pay cut like that and it not affect you all. I think he’s putting you in the position where you have to say he can’t do it, so he can blame you.

It really does sound like midlife crisis territory with some depression thrown in. Not sticking at things is a real adhd thing and if your kids are neuro diverse there is a chance one of you is too. I had all kinds of mad ideas about opening bakeries and all sorts none of which were practical given I had no money and a big mortgage or even what I really wanted to do. I’m kind of through it now. If he’s not doing any writing now then how does he know he enjoys it? Could you encourage him to get a few small freelance gigs to at he could fit in with annual leave to see if he really enjoys it? I do think it’s very hard to do a huge amount with your spare time when you work 5 days. It’s fine saying you have weekends and evenings but really you tend to be too knackered to do much! It does feel a bit sad so I’m with him on that one

Tbh neither of you sound particularly hard done by so I’m not exactly sure what the gripes are. Neither of you work full time hours!

I also enjoyed decluttering, along with a list-enhancing fortnightly appointment PLUS picking up the prescription.

The issue is her DH wants to nearly fuck all whilst OP will do all the housework and work out of the home.

Sounds like what you are doing is even sharing but the issue is he is jot happy in his job. You could offer to do full time and he go part time but would he be willing to do all the other things that you do? The unpaid labour that goes into parenting is so undervalued.

He has absolutely zero clue nor perspective the sheer amount of free time he DOES have!! All those hours spent at his hobbies, for goodness sake! What a whinger. He's not going to change op, until you get tough with him. Sadly though, men like him, in a divorce, would happily and without looking back leave his baggage of a family behind to just do whatever he wants in life. A lot of men do this.

That's very unfair. I am absolutely sure that OP's DH's time spent considering whether to start writing is more important than the kids whatever their age

You can start writing at any time, you need a pen and paper or a laptop. There are websites which advertise writing contracts for different types of writing, most are very poorly paid, but he could do some of those, he could write a blog, he could start his novel, he could write content for a friend's website, he could start working on on a TV script or a treatment and get going with the contacts he has. This is possible working 35 hours a week, I know as I do it! I write every weekend, in my spare time. I commit to a certain amount of writing at a time, every week or two, and I publish stuff myself or for money. I write in my day job too.

I'm not saying it's easy, or a good career, but anyone can start writing, look at people who do NatNoWriMo, they aim to get a draft done in a month and they are ordinary people usually with jobs. I don't think I could do that, but people do.

Anyone who wants to be a writer has to write, and they can start today. The best way to discover if it's a viable career is to do it part-time and think what it would look like f/t, that's why most people decide not to do it.

What does he want to write?

When J K Rowling was writing the first Harry Potter book, she used to do it in her lunch break in the office. There's a feeling among a lot of people that writing requires hours of uninterrupted time in a serene setting. Nice work if you can get it, but usually you have to grab it where you can.

Has he ever been content?

What is your skill set @Allthescreens . Do you have the potential to earn enough to make the shortfall?

I am very skilled and have an important job. However, it is not very well paid. DH's job on the other hand is extremely well paid. Even if i wanted to, I couldn't match his earnings unless i change my career or my specialty.

The burden of "carrying a family" should not be underestimated

I have told my husband, if the job gets too stressful I am very happy to downsize significantly and compromise our lifestyle so that we will be able to keep paying for our kids until they finish education. This is our non negotiable

My apologies, you did say he wanted to write TV scripts.

nothing more to say, really.

Fuck this.

Stop indulging this man child. Gym, football, freemasons 35 hour,45k job. His depression sounds quite selective.

He's living the dream for many people.

But not him... Dropping to 9 hours a week. Though still not sure he can help at home more. Wtf?

What does he actually have going for him op? Can you give me a list? Otherwise, why are you with him?

Discontent breeds contempt.

You need a spreadsheet that measures inputs and outputs.

Cd you work full-time and outsource some of the domestic/admin crap? It will do wonders for your pension.

Are you together because of economic reasons?

I lost my sympathy when he declined your offer to take on more paid work. I've no idea whether your extra domestic duties add up to the time he spends working, or whether they are more or less onerous and challenging than his paid job, so can't say whether your current set up is fair. However if its not, the only thing you can do is equalise the paid work contribution you make, but seems he'd rather moan than agree to that.

I'm not sure you can claim anything if you voluntarily give up a job! It's HiS choice not to work... he can't just claim UC because he doesn't want to work. Don't you think there'd be a queue around the block if you could do that?

He's got a 35-hour per week job. That's a very cushy number, I know because I work 35-hours per week after years of working waaaay more.

He needs to sort out antidepressants. Do writing in the spare time he has - which is plenty! And then APPLY for writing jobs before he quits his job.

To be honest, if he's as depressed as he says he is he won't actually be able to write... He comes across as lazy, selfish and uncaring about the impact of his behaviour in his family. I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms he either sorts himself out or leaves.

Peak Mumsnet.
It’s all his fault. Whatever.

Do not be bullied into accepting this plan - I would want to see proper proposals on -

how he is going to sort his mental health (dr or self help)

realistically how money will work you absolutely cannot survive on DLA and benefits just because he wants to follow a dream!

what the openings are in the writing arena - one of my school friends is a writer for comedians and he has a full time job too (flexible hours) - as this work is so competitive and he has a family and bills to pay!!

I would want to see real commitment to writing before he gives up work he could find time to write if he reduced his nice to do hobbies and perhaps you offered to do cooking 5 nights a week or something! I would want to see something written and submitted first!! As this could put your family at risk.

A realisation that he couldn’t continue with his expensive hobbies and a plan on how you are going to pay the debts.

A timeframe so if this goes ahead he will get xx months or x years if it does not work - he absolutely has to find a job.

I am sorry he is suffering and life feels unfair but there is compromise here and he needs to meet you half way! and stop sulking!! Perhaps as others have suggested you could find a 4 day a week job and he could drop a day.