Does DH have a point- workload

[Allthescreens]

Just had an interesting conversation with DH. He is feeling rather fed up at the moment (I suspect depression may be playing a part) & rudderless & feels like our life is rubbish. I said I don't feel that way & it makes me sad that he does.

Anyway, it seems a large part of his depression/resentment stems from the fact that he feels he works a lot more than I do & I enjoy my job. He feels I have a lot more free time.

He works 35 hours per week, 3-4 days from home. He then runs DS1 to football training twice a week in the evenings. He will do the dishwasher once when he's wfh & will cook about 3 nights per week, but I plan what we have. He does have our 3 DSes every other Saturday as I work 9-5 then, usually takes them to see my parents or his dad (120 miles away) & watch football.

I work 18.5 hours, including every other Saturday. I have 3 days not in work per week & I do all other housework, school stuff, medical stuff (averaging an appointment every other week as DS2 has autism, ADHD, epilepsy, asthma & more, then picking up prescriptions as he is on 5 meds for which the dosage is ever changing), present buying, decluttering (selling on to get more cash) etc. Plus all homework with DS2 as he can't do it himself & is very slow, that's usually an hour per night. Dses are all school age.

He wants to work less or get a job he enjoys more but feels he can't as we neer his wage coming in. I have offered to take on overtime or get a second job, but DH says this will not make much difference. So I feel a bit floored & floundering, at a loss as to how to make things better.

I think it is as someone in my team cut her hours as she could claim more UC. Seems crazy if done voluntarily but seems like you can

i’m clearly talking about paid work which is why I say he will need to take on share of the non paid stuff

He's being a child. Moaning he has to work for a living. Boohoo. I'd tell him to pack his bags and go live off the 9k on his own.

This not about workload. Depressed people often have a "grass is greener" mentality, but changing jobs doesn't cure depression. Depression is a medical condition which must be treated by a doctor. He needs to see his GP for meds and a referral to therapy.

He keeps saying he wants to sell our house & buy a place in France & travel the world, but that's just not real life! Plus I've only just (3 years) started working for money & I don't want to give that up yet! We're 46, I feel too young to retire.

It really doesn’t sound like you are in any position to ‘retire’?! What’s your pension age/pot like?

I haven’t seen anyone else mention that school admin jobs are in seriously high demand. Our primary school advertised a p/t school admin position, term time only and they had 250 applications! Not only is the freelance writing as a full time paid position a fantasy, the school admin job probably is too…. Unless he has lots of recent experience working in this area?

I was thinking this @HarrietStyles MIL worked in school and they had so many applicants for each role. Has he actually got this job or the wink that he would get it?

I think the selfish fantasist aspects are more problematic here than the depression. Some if not many depressive people can be dutiful hard workers and work can be a way of managing or getting a break from their depression and a way of carving meaning from life.

He’s just a bit of a dilettante and clearly always has been.

He’s not the only man I’ve come across, far from it, who gets into work and family life and then decides they want to travel the world and express themselves and their families are holding them back.

With respect to school admin jobs, I would say it is quite unusual to have a high number of applicants nowadays. The pay is so low for the workload, they are not seen as such an attractive proposition as they used to be, especially with the rise in WFH jobs/options

It's fairer if her partner is then equal on everything else.

And with his outside interests x 4 v the OP's 0 I bet that won't happen

In my area, everyone wants them. There's absolutely nothing in the way of holiday childcare where for miles around. They queue round the street for school admin jobs.

@Allthescreens
What is his current role paying £45k?
I just feel going from £45k to £9k is pretty reckless.

I am not in the writing industry but feel there must be something in the middle.
Or is it that he will always be dissatisfied if he isn't a writer?

If he is serious about dropping his wage, he has to stop all those expensive hobbies

I have never worked as few an hours as 35 a week, nor have many of my friends..it would seem quite easy to me.

If he wanted to have an easy free life full of travel and little work he should not have had children, or spent his 20s working furiously to build a business or a seriously lucrative career...even then he would be unlikely to be able to retire at this age..

Except the 1% we all have to make hard decisions on how we want to live and how to pay for it...he sounds quite immature.

To be blunt, is your DH work-shy?

Same in my area, literally hundreds of applicants for school term-time only jobs, presumably because there are barely any holiday clubs or childminders for school aged children round here.

The OPs DH is behaving like a selfish dick! And I’ll think you’ll find that male suicide rates have a lot to do with suppressing emotion and not engaging with MH professionals - and very little to do with women not indulging these men!

I’d be tempted to LTB OP - sounds like deadbeat dad to me.

in reality an extremely selfish man, giving up 45k a year to earn 9k - what about the children?! How would that impact them

also his ridiculous list of expensive hobbies - how self indulgent - surely this money could pay off debt or be saved for the children?

Agree with other posters - depression will not be cured by getting a new job. he already has plenty of time to write.

@CharmedCult

Yep! My area is a black hole for childcare.

I’m sorry @Allthescreens but your husband is a bit of a tool.

He does do a lot of paid activities (football season ticket, Freemasons, gym, a sports club), which he won't give up, even though it would halve our repayment time. He says without them life would be unbearable. I don't do anything like this.

Freemasons? Really? How would you even begin to support this utter bollocks?

he needs to stop wasting cash on secret handshakes and sports clubs AND gym membership and stop spending money your family can’t afford.

he’s never held a job down for more than a couple of years! What the hell were you thinking hitching your wagon to this manchild?

you are bonkers to sacrifice your career potential for a bloke like this!

He works 35 hours and 3/4 days a week at home? Pah! He needs to get into the office, it’d do him good not to be so isolated and inward facing.

If he’s working from home he can find the time to look for a new job.

you need to overhaul finances and see what you can allocate to debt repayment, and make sure that you each have equal time for leisure and what can be paused is paused so that you can alleviate the pressure a bit.

ultimately, you didn’t make a very good choice in partner, but if you’re committed to sticking with it, he has to wake up and grow up and you need to open your eyes and start looking out for yourself.

He may well be depressed. But he is also an entitled dickhead. This is no life for you and yours, OP.

Tbh OP he sounds like a lazy, selfish arsehole who needs to pull himself out of his midlife crisis. He may well want to live a slower life but he’s racked up debts and a lifestyle that just aren’t conducive to that way of living. If he was willing to give up his hobbies and take a lesser paid job (say 30k not 9!) I could understand that, but taking a school admin job and refusing to help out with anymore housework etc. would be unacceptable for me.

Sounds like a mid-life crisis and he sat thinking how is life going to get better without realising he needs to be present in the now…..not thinking moving to France will be any different.

It’s unfair(but not surprising) he’s blaming you but he’s obviously not in a good place mentally.

Why doesn’t he apply for new jobs if he’s unhappy at work?

Oh and if he’s a Freemason, that’s where all his money will be going!
My poor Nan used to go without tons of normal everyday stuff while my grandfather splurged with the local businessmen to make himself appear generous. Urgh!

If he is 100% set on this, could you work out what the income would actually be (post tax) of him earning 9k pa plus UC, then put all his wage into a new account for a year and direct debit that much to yourselves every month?

Then you could see how realistic it is, plus have a lump sum to pay off some debt upfront? The deal would need to be regular, realistic conversations about how it is going throughout (so no surprises/gaslighting at the end), no dipping in, and if you manage it he does get to have a go at writing for a set period (maybe another six months ONCE HE HAS THEN SECURED AND BEGUN A PART TIME JOB).