Does DH have a point- workload

[Allthescreens]

Just had an interesting conversation with DH. He is feeling rather fed up at the moment (I suspect depression may be playing a part) & rudderless & feels like our life is rubbish. I said I don't feel that way & it makes me sad that he does.

Anyway, it seems a large part of his depression/resentment stems from the fact that he feels he works a lot more than I do & I enjoy my job. He feels I have a lot more free time.

He works 35 hours per week, 3-4 days from home. He then runs DS1 to football training twice a week in the evenings. He will do the dishwasher once when he's wfh & will cook about 3 nights per week, but I plan what we have. He does have our 3 DSes every other Saturday as I work 9-5 then, usually takes them to see my parents or his dad (120 miles away) & watch football.

I work 18.5 hours, including every other Saturday. I have 3 days not in work per week & I do all other housework, school stuff, medical stuff (averaging an appointment every other week as DS2 has autism, ADHD, epilepsy, asthma & more, then picking up prescriptions as he is on 5 meds for which the dosage is ever changing), present buying, decluttering (selling on to get more cash) etc. Plus all homework with DS2 as he can't do it himself & is very slow, that's usually an hour per night. Dses are all school age.

He wants to work less or get a job he enjoys more but feels he can't as we neer his wage coming in. I have offered to take on overtime or get a second job, but DH says this will not make much difference. So I feel a bit floored & floundering, at a loss as to how to make things better.

I've been criticised on this thread for lacking compassion for the OP's dh. I'm saving mine for the wife and kids caught in this shit show of self indulgence.
People who are passionate about writing, write. Whatever their situation or job commitments. And people with debt don't have the luxury of continuing to spend on expensive hobbies. And parents don't have the luxury of jacking in their 45k job to take a 9k one (while also making no commitment to take on more childcare).

What about the mental health of the OP, who is having to mop up after him? And the security of their dc?

I'd ltb. I don't care if this lacks compassion - he's just going to drag you and the kids down with him!

35 hours in a job u don't like would feel like eternity. What does he find stressful about his job? Perhaps u could try and do something more together as a couple ?

This..

💯 this. He sounds exhausting and like an overgrown teenager, you deserve a medal OP. No advice other than to stick up for yourself cos it sounds like he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you/guilt you into doing less of what you enjoy (which doesn’t sound excessive) & more of compromising your needs to ensure his happiness. That never usually ends well unfortunately.

Hmm, I work 35 hours a week and I’m the part time one 😂
He needs to try to explain to you what he thinks could be different. I guess it could be depression but I wonder if really it’s just as basic as him seeing that you work half the hours that he does and feeling that’s unfair. I think a PPs idea of mapping out what everyone is doing in a day/week/month could be useful along with an outline of
finances and what is going where, it’s a good way to see how things could change. He needs to suggest changes though, otherwise it’s easy to get into a situation where you’re trying to fix everything and he’s rejecting it all.

I would imagine that most working age adults in the UK do more than 35 hours in a job they don't like, for an average wage less than £45k.

I enjoy my job, but I'd happily jack it in if my other half would pick up the financial slack, continue to do all the life admin and would not nag if it took me decade or two decide which hobby I wanted to try to make a career of. Only I wouldn't because I love her, respect her and don't want to risk a kick in the balls for taking the piss out of her.

ADHD is fairly hereditary so it’s possible he has ADHD too. It sounds like it from what you said about him moving job a lot.

he is bored and seeking stimulation and trying to get it by making a change.

the thing is life with kids can be kinda mundane and you can’t always make changes!

Well said, I agree with you 100%.

Totally agree!

Another vote for Ladybird's comment.

I'm sorry OP, sounds an impossible situation for you. He is engrossed in his own feelings and can't see your contribution or the impracticalities of what he's proposing. He is risking your family's security for a whim. But you will be labelled a cruel wife for not indulging him 🙄

I’m so sorry this is happening you op, it sounds unbelievably tough. I don’t think your DH is being realistic about his proposed solution or entirely honest with himself- as pp have said, those who are passionate about writing make the time to write. He doesn’t even work long hours. Harsh as it may sound, if I were you I would start to look for a job with more hours and to increase your earning power as it seems that your DH is unwilling and will potentially soon be unable to support your family. I wish you the very best of luck, he is lucky to have a wife as supportive and understanding as you, many wouldn’t be in the same situation.

There's a pattern with him not sticking to jobs for more than two years.

Preach👏👏👏

How did your talk go, op?

Hope you’re ok.

He sees jobs as work and not the home and kids so he thinks you're not doing much. Doesn't sound like he will split them fairly if he reduces work hours so be careful.

Amen

Oh and do not support someone to quit writing who doesn't have a writing practice already! I write from 10pm to 2am when my family is finally down for the night and cope with the lack of sleep.

Giving up your day job for writing is only what you do when you’re so successful at it you make a living from it.

How are things Op? Has DH started writing yet?

Could you be any more blatant at digging for an update? The OP only updated yesterday morning and clearly stated they needed to talk.

If you want a soap opera regularly updated for your entertainment, why not watch Eastenders.

@AnxiousPangolin who made you the thread police? I’ve been following this thread since op first posted as I’m in a similar situation with my DP but only caught up today and didn’t realise the last updates were from yesterday.

I notice you didn’t quote the poster above who did the same thing at 10.30 this morning 🙄

Apologies if you feel harassed op.

We had a nice weekend but didn't really get to talk. I think I'm hoping that this is just a blip & January Blues & he will soon settle back to regular life.

"He has been in his job for nearly 2 years & has never stuck at any job much longer than that."

But - his "regular life" is frequent job-hopping and he's approaching the threshold at which he normally hops. So no, it's not a blip and you seem to me to be trying to sweep it all under the carpet.

Have you ever said "no" to him? As in 'no, we can't afford to lose your salary.' Or 'no, moving to France is a complete non-starter'. Or even 'no, if you're serious about writing for a living, why aren't you already using your time to write instead of going to the Freemasons?'

Serious question, not having a go at you.

good post

Haven't read all the replies in detail, so this may have already been suggested, but is it possible your DS has inherited his neurodiversity from his father?
Your partner sounds very very like my auDHD teen and their probably PDA profile auDHD father..