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Original poster

Does DH have a point- workload

292 replies

Allthescreens · 10/12/2023 09:37

Just had an interesting conversation with DH. He is feeling rather fed up at the moment (I suspect depression may be playing a part) & rudderless & feels like our life is rubbish. I said I don't feel that way & it makes me sad that he does.

Anyway, it seems a large part of his depression/resentment stems from the fact that he feels he works a lot more than I do & I enjoy my job. He feels I have a lot more free time.

He works 35 hours per week, 3-4 days from home. He then runs DS1 to football training twice a week in the evenings. He will do the dishwasher once when he's wfh & will cook about 3 nights per week, but I plan what we have. He does have our 3 DSes every other Saturday as I work 9-5 then, usually takes them to see my parents or his dad (120 miles away) & watch football.

I work 18.5 hours, including every other Saturday. I have 3 days not in work per week & I do all other housework, school stuff, medical stuff (averaging an appointment every other week as DS2 has autism, ADHD, epilepsy, asthma & more, then picking up prescriptions as he is on 5 meds for which the dosage is ever changing), present buying, decluttering (selling on to get more cash) etc. Plus all homework with DS2 as he can't do it himself & is very slow, that's usually an hour per night. Dses are all school age.

He wants to work less or get a job he enjoys more but feels he can't as we neer his wage coming in. I have offered to take on overtime or get a second job, but DH says this will not make much difference. So I feel a bit floored & floundering, at a loss as to how to make things better.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 10/12/2023 09:39

So he’s saying he wants you to be unhappy too so it’s “fair”.

Ginmonkeyagain · 10/12/2023 09:41

I mean 35 hours a week at work is no a huge amount. It is a standard full time job. Many people work those hours and still have a lot of time for themselves.

Does he perhaps just hate his job?

EBearhug · 10/12/2023 09:48

Has he looked at other work possibilities, what other jobs are available? Is it just his current employer, or does he want to go into a whole new field? If so, what retraining would he need? What would salaries be? It might be he earns less for a few years, but longer term, the prospects could be better. It might not be feasible to change, but he needs to look into it properly to make an informed decision.

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Families
minipie · 10/12/2023 09:49

So what does he want? I could understand it if he wanted you to work more and take some pressure off him, but he says you taking on more work won’t make a difference? So what’s his suggestion?

elessar · 10/12/2023 09:57

35 hours a week is 7 hours a day, so he's doing 9-5 with a one hour lunch break? I wouldn't call that excessively hard work.

On the other hand it is about twice what you're doing - only you can really judge if the other stuff you describe totals a fair split of "work".

It does sound like it might be more depression talking than really an actual issue, particularly if he's not suggesting any solutions. Would he consider counselling to help him unpick some of this?

Geneticsbunny · 10/12/2023 09:57

Is it maybe that he is struggling with the needs of your son with autism and adhd? Is he generally easy going or is it hard work to make sure he is happy and not stressed out? I have a son with autism and other needs and I find the weekends exhausting. Not sure I could cope if my oh was at work every other Saturday.

Original poster
Allthescreens · 10/12/2023 10:02

I don't know if he knows what he wants. He has been in his job for nearly 2 years & has never stuck at any job much longer than that. In January, he gets an extra 5 days per year annual leave & he says he will use that to do writing - he pursued an MA in this during Covid, while I was homeschooling our 3 boys & looking after my elderly grandparents.

He keeps saying he wants to sell our house & buy a place in France & travel the world, but that's just not real life! Plus I've only just (3 years) started working for money & I don't want to give that up yet! We're 46, I feel too young to retire.

We have lots of credit cards to pay off, which we are not using & have got rid of, so about 4 years until they are paid off, so we can't afford a drop in income. He does do a lot of paid activities (football season ticket, Freemasons, gym, a sports club), which he won't give up, even though it would halve our repayment time. He says without them life would be unbearable. I don't do anything like this.

I do think a lot of it may come from grief. His mum died just over 2 years ago, quite young, of dementia. His parents never did a lot of things they would have together, due to this. He keeps saying we might drop down dead any day, not having really done anything.

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 10/12/2023 10:02

Sounds like he needs to get himself to the doctors about how he's feeling.

It can't be easy always having dc with the complex issues yours has, and having to juggle work etc. but the workload seems balanced and actually he's doing very little, over and above his work week, and with young dc, especially one on meds will always take up a lot of time. Sounds like he's jealous but doesn't know why or how to solve this issue. I doubt he'd be happy if roles were reversed by the sound of things

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 10:07

It’s possible to feel unhappy at the state of things. Or feel stuck. Want something different but also there’s not anything that will magically make it better. Wanting to pack up and run away is a sign he knows there’s not much that can be done.

I have spent the last 2 weeks wanting to pack up the house I own, move me and the kids in with my Dad and give up my job. I can’t. But I recognise that urge to run away means I aren’t happy. But I can’t see a way out.

In fact knowing there’s not anything (or much) that can change it can make the stuck feeling worse. Like there’s no options and no way out.

He may need to seek support from a doctor as well. But in a marriage he should be able to express how he feels. Even if it’s unreasonable and he knows there’s no easy fix.

You obviously should be able to do the same.

Ginmonkeyagain · 10/12/2023 10:10

Sounds like a mid life crisis. We can all feel a bit trapped in our lives at times. But he is focussing on the wrong thing. It hardly sounds like you are using your non work hours to live it up or lounge in front of the TV.

EweCee · 10/12/2023 10:13

35 hrs full time is not a ‘big’ job - sounds like something else is up, more depression or boredom I’d say.

Original poster
Allthescreens · 10/12/2023 10:13

It is very true that he should be able to Express how he feels. I am a fixer so I always try & offer solutions & I'm floored that there are none to this (none that he will accept).

One point he raised was that I occasionally (once a month or so) go out for coffee with friends during the school day - often combining with shopping for the DC/errands. But he goes out far more than I do in the evenings, so I felt it was equal, he doesn't.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 10/12/2023 10:23

I think you need to get a list on paper of all you both do. Hours spent on childcare, housework, socialising etc. Seeing that your days aren’t all spent at your leisure might help him realise what he would have to take on if he cut down at work and you took more hours.

Theimpossiblegirl · 10/12/2023 10:23

It sounds like he doesn't value the amount of time you spend on family work, so thinks you have it easy. He might need a change but a visit to the gp could help.

Selling up and moving to France with kids isn't going to fix anything, especially with a child with a high level of need. My friend is in France with her asd daughter and it's tough.

minipie · 10/12/2023 10:24

Yes I think this is classic mid 40s feeling trapped and “is this it for the next 20 years”. A lot of us have it!

He seems to have the idea that you are less trapped because you (maybe) have a bit more free time, but in reality you’re not a lot more free, you can’t exactly move to France or become a writer either. I don’t think this is really about you tbh.

Maybe it would help if you sat down together and make a medium term plan, once we pay off the credit cards we will be able to do X, once all the kids are in senior school we will be able to do Y.

SavBlancTonight · 10/12/2023 10:34

Hes a child.

Hes resentful of you because you work less, but he doesn't want you to work more, does a small amount of childcare and a few chores and thinks he's hard done by and had a range of activities and Time out?!

I am amazed how patient you are being.

Does he have any idea how much you are doing?! I would tell him he can wither choose to do more at home so you can work more or he can find a new job. But mostly, he just sounds like he's whining because he doesn't want to deal with any responsibility.

LlynTegid · 10/12/2023 10:37

If he does not enjoy his job, that seems to be the main thing to me. The other things you mention OP may change over time.

DysmalRadius · 10/12/2023 10:39

It sounds like he wants to reserve the right to be miserable and sort of blame you for the foreseeable future. If he wants a job he enjoys more or wants you to contribute more to the household finances, then he needs to open a discussion about it, not just complain and refuse to accept any suggestions of how to make things better.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/12/2023 10:55

He sounds a bit like a spoilt baby TBH.

If he only works 35 hours per week and mostly from home, it's not like his life is dominated by work and commuting. Plus he has a lot of leisure activities that he's getting time to do, as well as these costing money, which is unfair and unacceptable given your financial circumstances.

Plus his dream to sell up, travel the world and buy a place in France is delusional. What will you do for money, given you're in debt?

What he could change is get a job that pays more and he enjoys more - is this a possibility and has he tried?

You also need to put your foot down about his spending and the debt. He has four paid activities and he's moaning about you going out for coffee once a month? WTF?

Is the debt actually going down? Have you reduced the interest you pay? Where are you with your mortgage, ie has it gone up yet due to higher interest rates? It's just that if you still need to factor in a higher mortgage payment, and you're just treading water wrt credit cards and increased cost of living, you could be struggling on for years, not really getting anywhere and you might need to throw the towel in at some point if your mortgage hasn't yet gone up, so something to be aware of.

Original poster
Allthescreens · 10/12/2023 12:10

The debt is fairly under control. We are not paying any interest & have agreements with the credit card companies. We fixed our mortgage for I think 3 years a few months ago. We have plenty of equity in our house, so we could sell up, pay off our debts & buy a place in France easily enough. Plus I speak the language & could get work there I'm sure. I just don't know if it would suit our DC - one GCSE, one SEN, one primary. And I like my life as it is!

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 10/12/2023 12:15

If you go to France he will bring himself with you.

He needs to be in a better place mentally first.

It is entirely unreasonable for him to have a season ticket and begrudge you an occasional coffee!

Ohshitiveturnedintomymother · 10/12/2023 12:30

You sound quite dismissive of what he does, whereas your list is very long to excuse your part time hours. Even having a coffee is martyred as you are shopping for the dc at the same time.

i wonder if he really only empties the dishwasher and doesn’t do anything else?

LadyBird1973 · 10/12/2023 12:30

He sounds like a selfish dick to me. You do work as much as he does - you are going the majority of the house and child care. And that's not easy, especially when your children have additional needs!
And he refuses to give up any of his self indulgent hobbies, to get you out of debt quicker.

Remember that if you work more, he will have to go more in the house and either the children - don't let him make you feel guilty because you aren't out there generating more money for him to spend on unnecessary hobbies, instead of being with the children who clearly need you.

He rotks 35 hours per week, 3-4 days from home and has time to do nice things for himself. His life sounds pretty sweet to me.

Tell him to get a grip and stop bringing such a whiny bastard. If he hates his job, look for another one, like a normal adult.

tomatoontoast · 10/12/2023 12:38

I'm sorry, I'm actually laughed out loud about how present buying is on your to do list.

How many presents do you buy a week?

Original poster
Allthescreens · 10/12/2023 12:52

tomatoontoast · 10/12/2023 12:38

I'm sorry, I'm actually laughed out loud about how present buying is on your to do list.

How many presents do you buy a week?

Given that it's currently 2 weeks before Christmas & we have lots of family birthdays this week, quite a lot 🤔 3 x stockings with 10 presents each, plus 2 large extended families to buy for. I spent a whole school day doing it the other day & still only about halfway finished. This is obviously complicated by a restricted budget & very specific requirements for autistic DS2. And yes, I did combine it with a coffee with my friend 😉 Granted it is not this intensive all year round, but it is one of many tasks that if I did not do, would get completely forgotten. Glad I gave you a laugh though.

OP posts: