Does DH have a point- workload

[Allthescreens]

Just had an interesting conversation with DH. He is feeling rather fed up at the moment (I suspect depression may be playing a part) & rudderless & feels like our life is rubbish. I said I don't feel that way & it makes me sad that he does.

Anyway, it seems a large part of his depression/resentment stems from the fact that he feels he works a lot more than I do & I enjoy my job. He feels I have a lot more free time.

He works 35 hours per week, 3-4 days from home. He then runs DS1 to football training twice a week in the evenings. He will do the dishwasher once when he's wfh & will cook about 3 nights per week, but I plan what we have. He does have our 3 DSes every other Saturday as I work 9-5 then, usually takes them to see my parents or his dad (120 miles away) & watch football.

I work 18.5 hours, including every other Saturday. I have 3 days not in work per week & I do all other housework, school stuff, medical stuff (averaging an appointment every other week as DS2 has autism, ADHD, epilepsy, asthma & more, then picking up prescriptions as he is on 5 meds for which the dosage is ever changing), present buying, decluttering (selling on to get more cash) etc. Plus all homework with DS2 as he can't do it himself & is very slow, that's usually an hour per night. Dses are all school age.

He wants to work less or get a job he enjoys more but feels he can't as we neer his wage coming in. I have offered to take on overtime or get a second job, but DH says this will not make much difference. So I feel a bit floored & floundering, at a loss as to how to make things better.

Does he have a real plan, in that, has he thought about what income needs to cover in terms of housing, bills, activities- even as it only affects himself and his children? And then has he thought about household needs and how the work can be fairly distributed between two adults? And finally about the impact on you?

if this scenario is just “I want this now, you fix it for me” it isn’t any kind of a plan and I think you can quite legitimately refuse to discuss it until it is.

And has he called the helpine - or is that another thing that’s too boring and difficult?

developing TV programmes - again that’s a complex process with multiple roles. Has he ever written anything that’s been published or turned into a screen play?

And unless he can show you his financial working I’d take those figures with a huuuge vat of salt

“Updating this thread: DH's latest plan is to quit the job he is currently doing & instead get a 15-hour admin role at the DS's school. It would pay £9k”

Is this role currently advertised? Has he looked at the job spec? Why does he think he would get it vs eg someone who currently has a full time admin role in a company and wants to cut back on hours?

(These are some of many, many questions)

I think you need a discussion about the whole thing, not just him changing his job and the rest carrying on as before. I wouldn’t be happy with him dropping his hours like this and me not increasing my hours for example.

I also think your dh is still very depressed. What happened when he saw his GP? Did they change his medication? Is he getting counselling etc..? (In my area, you can self refer.)

Even of its his job that is at the root if his depression, I actually dont think that changing jobs will automatically make ‘not depressed’ iyswim. He absolutely needs to tackle that and I wouldn’t agree to any changes unless he does (whilst remembering, he might well decide to give his notice anyway).

I suspect that he simply can’t cope with a full time job.
He isn’t going to be able to earn money from his writing. I’m not even sure he’ll be able to get stuff whilst working for free tbh. But this freelance idea is a nice way to give you and himself a way out whilst avoiding the elephant in the room - his depression.
i suspect he’ll fare better going on sick leave (because he IS ill), treat his depression properly and then review.

It’s such a mad idea it sounds like some kind of breakdown. The main earner to go from £45k to £9k wtaf.

Does he realise that most writers work full-time? Most have children as well. Most novels only have an advance of £10,000 to £15,000. I do know what I'm talking about here.

I would say that he is always losing interest in his jobs after a couple of years, and if he wants to write, he should keep up his job and write for one hour every single evening for six months. He will have a book finished by then. So basically I would tell him to put his money where his mouth is. If he thinks he's so capable of writing a book then write the fucking book.

There is no way that that £9000 a year job is going to make him happy. He'll be working at a much lower than he's used to and it will feel like a full-time job as well anyway.

I have to admit I was really angry when you said he was doing his MA while you were homeschooling the children. Everyone knows how difficult it was to homeschool during lockdown and he was in his own room during his own private study. That was very unfair.

That's a radical decision.

What about savings, pensions, uni for the kids, holidays?

Pie in the sky freelancing for TV isn't going to finance that.

He sounds unfocused and lazy.

I'm sorry op it sounds like you're being put in an impossible situation. I'm not sure how your DH can see his plan as financially viable in any way. If he wasn't working on his writing when he had plenty of time to, is there any guarantee he will do so when he has more time in his schedule? It does sounds like depression and that he would feel better if you were miserable too but that's hardly fair. I do hope you find a solution but please don't feel pressured into agreeing to his plan which doesn't sound viable when you have children to support and debts to pay.

So when he had the chance to do writing he never does it, nor does he pitch in with the home and child stuff.

So the extra hours he will have free will just end up in him sleeping and being even more mopey.

He didn't even pitch in during lockdown. He isn't going to ever be the husband you need OP.

If he is serious about reducing family income to this extent, he would need to give up the majority of his activities - this money would no longer be disposable income. I’d be interested to see his reaction to that idea being put to him.

The main focus when discussing the situation today should be his mood and how he needs to begin counselling (while there is disposable income for this, and before giving up on his existing stable job) to explore the reasons he feels this way.

My ex went through a similar phase, with similar focus on how my contentment with my job negatively affected him. A lot of what you mention is very familiar - I came up with lots of suggestions which would have reduced my happiness but it turned out that he was unhappy in our relationship and we split. I think he was trying to avoid being the ‘bad guy’ for instigating a split and looking for other problems. There will be a root cause to this which is less connected to his work than he thinks (not necessarily that he is unhappy in your relationship). It’s likely the death of his mother has affected him more than he realises.

Why are you being so passive about all this?

I'd tell him if he wants to make that sort of unilateral decision, he can leave and you will get on with things on your own.

If he wants to make a sensible shared plan about how you rebalance things in the household, you will work with him - but this will not be rushed.

He is treating you like a doormat, but you are letting him.

He says he has done the figures & we would be ok financially. Bollocks.

Are you married to Walter Mitty?

Seriously he cannot realistically think you will be financially ok on UC when you are struggling on his current pay.

I don’t know the exact rules but as I think UC normally expect a minimum amount of hours to be worked, and could put pressure on him to reach that level. It wasn’t really designed to support part time work whilst pursuing dreams.

I think he's in fantasy land and taking the piss. His judgment is clouded by depression and he thinks this is the magic cure for that and it isn't. Not on its own at least.
If this doesn't do the trick it'll be something else. Before you know it you'll be working 50 hours a week, doing everything and he'll be on the 15th great idea of how to change his life.

He says he wants to write but at the moment had no motivation to do so when he's had the chance and hasn't evidenced how he will make money writing.

Is he entitled to company sick pay in his current job? If he can't cope with working at the moment then he could get signed off for a while so he can work on his mental health. Therapy, medication, whatever but he has to do something. Depression is crippling and he might need a period of rest and recovery but not to abdicate every task and responsibility to you OP.

Before this update you talked about his various hobbies and activities but then mentioned your own guilt about going for a coffee. That's not ok. This is not an equal partnership.

Like fuck would I stand by my husband whilst he quits work to 'be a writer'.

OP you really need to lay down some rules here. He needs to seek proper help with his depression and change jobs if he will but not for anything this drastic.

If he wants to write, he can do it in his spare time as everyone else does when they first start.

He’s in cloud cuckoo land OP I’m sure you’re aware.

The reason he doesn’t have time to write is that he spends so much of his free time on his hobbies - .football season ticket, Freemasons, gym, a sports club.

He could change that if he wanted to. Far more sensible to write something while currently employed in case it doesn’t get picked up by anyone.

Options:

1. He goes on sick leave with his current job and uses that time to get meaningful treatment for his MH

2. During that sick leave time he starts to write.

3. Discussions with current job about reducing hours when it comes to the discussion about coming back to work

4. If no PT is possible then look for other roles he will find more fulfilling and balanced time wise

Yes, that is a plan, not a set of options.

No rash decisions until he’s having effective treatment for his MH. IF the job is the root cause then tackle that. Important to identify root cause before decisions are made..

I am really sorry you are going through this.

And people wonder why male suicide rates are so high!
Hard to imagine with so many compassionate people like this in the world 😅

Time for a spreadsheet of all your outgoings, and work out how to match it with incomings if he takes a huge pay cut. |

I suggest he uses his 5 days extra AL plus the extra write time you give him to create the first paid for piece - he needs to build the side hustle up before jumping ship and he cannot just leave his job without.

He says he has done the figures & we would be ok financially

You sound astonishingly passive about this decision! Do you believe him? Have you asked to see these figures?

I think that @3Tunes makes a very good point. He's had plenty of opportunity to write while you pick up everything else. How would this be any different?

To be honest, I'd be tempted to tell him that he's putting an impossible burden on you and that he needs to leave and find a flat to write in. That would enable you to claim UC to keep you and the boys financially afloat. And give him the space, peace and opportunity to pursue his writing.

Of course, he'd have the boys 1 evening a week and every other weekend which would give you space and time to pursue your own interests.

I haven't read the full thread, but is an option perhaps getting signed off sick for his depression and using that time to focus on his writing? Not sure what the sickness policy is, but at least he wouldn't be burning his boats?

Though frankly, if he has depression I would say that finding the motivation and drive necessary to get back into that industry would be a struggle (given he has just had 11 days off and did nothing).

I think he needs to at least show that it is a viable option that he is capable of before he gives up his job...

Edited to say that @Mostlyoblivious had already had the idea, but set it out better than me!

Oh wow!

Your husband is acting spoilt and entitled - if he wanted a career in writing then he should have satisfied that urge long before children and marriage was on the cards

By the way depression does not make you act like a total A hole! Could he be having an affair?

This man has a great life, 35 hrs pw wfh, season ticket, plus other other hobbies

You need to give his head a big shake!!!

I doubt he even went to the dr

I think I'd be tempted to have a quiet word with the school and let them know he's having some sort of breakdown which would likely remove the admin job as a possibility. Fine if he wants to find a part time job with lower pay in order to pursue his writing career, but it needs to be a considered plan where you're both in agreement, rather than a knee jerk response.

Also, I may be wrong, but would UC let you both work very part time hours without pushing you towards extra work?

All this.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but depression notwithstanding*, he's coming across rather like an adult male version of Veruca Salt. He wants things now and doesn't care that they're completely impracticable. He seems to think it's your job to dance round him and his whims.

*Of course it's possible that all the activities and unrealistic 'writer' dreams are his attempts to run away from his depression, but they are Just. Not. Feasible for an adult with responsibilities to children. I'd love singing lessons, and to train as a church musician, and am actually good at it, but the children come first, so it's a no for now. Tbh, I think he knows that addressing his mental health would involve having to reflect on and depart from his self-absorption. I'm not sure he's keen on 'getting better' in the sense that it would remove his excuse to be non-functional for his family.