Does DH have a point- workload

[Allthescreens]

Just had an interesting conversation with DH. He is feeling rather fed up at the moment (I suspect depression may be playing a part) & rudderless & feels like our life is rubbish. I said I don't feel that way & it makes me sad that he does.

Anyway, it seems a large part of his depression/resentment stems from the fact that he feels he works a lot more than I do & I enjoy my job. He feels I have a lot more free time.

He works 35 hours per week, 3-4 days from home. He then runs DS1 to football training twice a week in the evenings. He will do the dishwasher once when he's wfh & will cook about 3 nights per week, but I plan what we have. He does have our 3 DSes every other Saturday as I work 9-5 then, usually takes them to see my parents or his dad (120 miles away) & watch football.

I work 18.5 hours, including every other Saturday. I have 3 days not in work per week & I do all other housework, school stuff, medical stuff (averaging an appointment every other week as DS2 has autism, ADHD, epilepsy, asthma & more, then picking up prescriptions as he is on 5 meds for which the dosage is ever changing), present buying, decluttering (selling on to get more cash) etc. Plus all homework with DS2 as he can't do it himself & is very slow, that's usually an hour per night. Dses are all school age.

He wants to work less or get a job he enjoys more but feels he can't as we neer his wage coming in. I have offered to take on overtime or get a second job, but DH says this will not make much difference. So I feel a bit floored & floundering, at a loss as to how to make things better.

No, a million times no to this proposal of his.

Your husband is prioritising only himself here, this is unbelievably selfish - he is NOT a single man with only himself to consider, he is a married man with children he needs to prioritise his family at this moment in time. He has responsibilities whether he likes it or not.

He cannot blow up your family like this, depressed or not.

He absolutely could find time for writing if he really wanted to, it requires him getting organised and structuring things within the family and his work to do so, but he just can't be arsed to do that can he? I would question whether he really is committed to writing as a career, he could easily find the time if he was prepared to sacrifice some of the extra activities he does which he would do if he was really serious.

Honestly, @Allthescreens your husband is being very manipulative, childish and selfish. You need to give him an ultimatum rather than being on the receiving end of one. He needs to sort out whether or not he is depressed and get treatment for that if so, he needs to buckle down and put his family first at this time, he needs to be a team player. If he is not prepared to do this or want to do this then you'd all be better off without him.

A lot of those feelings I recognise - I have many traits of ADHD. I wonder if that's something he might consider raising with the doctor?

He's just having a mid-life crisis/breakdown, but you need to be careful he doesn't pull you down too

Please do not minimise in this way. Using the word 'just' is really unpleasant. Everything I have read makes me think that he is unwell and needs help. A breakdown is not 'just' anything.

"Edited as another thought occurred to me. I think he needs to show dedication and commitment to writing before he jumps ship from his job. Can you carve out 'writing time' in the current weekly routine, where you hold down the fort for a few hours on a regular basis? Stick with it for say, a month or six weeks, and see if and what he actually writes in this time that has been set aside for him."

This times a million... pursuing your fantasy job is unrealistic at the best of times, but if you can't even dedicate yourself to your fantasy job in your spare time then you have no chance at all.

He’s either very unwell or a massively self-absorbed twat. I don’t think I’d be sticking around to find out which tbh. I wouldn’t enable this man. Let him live in a bed sit on £9k with debt and see how far his “writing” takes him.

Harsh I know, but sorry OP.

Given how heritable ADHD is...

This has an adhd depression/mad plan/hyper focus weird hammer to crack a nut plan written all over it.

I say that as someone with adhd who would come up with some batshit nuclear plan "to fix my life".

He has no time as he has no mental space (his brain is working on mad plans).

Giving up work won't make any difference, especially if you're all a lot harder up.

Talking to him probably won't help. I'm not sure what I would do. My DH tends just to ignore me until I come back to my senses.

Sorry but your husband sounds bloody selfish.
He is living in a fantasy world if he thinks he can work for 9 hours a week and not take on any domestic or childcare jobs. If he really wanted to write he would. He has plenty of time. You would be better off getting a full time job and telling him he is responsible for hospital appointments, homework, school runs, present buying, household chores etc. Better still quit the marriage. He can have the kids 50/50 and pay maintenance. That will leave him plenty of time to write.

Mid-forties and never stuck a job longer than 2 years. Could be ADD.

And random writing won't help as no structure, he'll just stay in bed more.

@DewHopper I do agree with that and I shouldn't have said 'just', what he needs is to go to the GP and get treatment for his depression and not make any life changing decisions whilst he's feeling so negative and depressed. He can't see the different solutions flexibly, he's just fixing on something as the solution, whereas there's lots of different options. He might also benefit from private therapy (if they could afford it) or CBT at this point, again to help him think these things through and see the potential for change/flexibility as he's got so fixed.

That doesn't seem to be the course he's taking though, that's what I would want though in a partner, was recognition that this 'escape' and inability to think things through properly (I mean doing hobbies when you want to be a writer, that's not sensible) is a sign of a mental struggle at the least and a breakdown at most. Then we could start building upwards, instead of treating his desires as entirely rational and having to pander to them.

Lovely to see such compassion.

Yes, they can't just up sticks and relocate to France without proving they can be financially secure for the long term, stating on the Residence Application that you will be writing won't cut it, they will want provable, secure sources of income not vague, woolly dreams.

Husband is in cloud cuckoo land.

He has no time? he only works 35hrs!!
Has his kids every 2nd saturday, he's hardly at the coalface!!

Could you work one more day a week and be work one less?

To be fair I think the post shows compassion for OP, whilst showing the husband nearly as much compassion as he might deserve (dependent on where on the "genuine depression" to "selfish child" spectrum he actually is).

My DH goes through periods of poor mental health, and when he does he often fixates on some aspect of his life as being the "problem". He's changed jobs a couple of times, and it improves things for a while, but it doesn't fix it. Sometimes he then decides I'm the "problem", which leads to argument after argument until he finally accepts it's his mental health again.
It's like that saying - "everywhere you go, there you are".
Your husband needs to get help, and accept that help, then make any changes he needs to with a clear head.
It's very difficult living with someone going through mental health problems, so please look after yourself and watch you don't lose yourself in his moods 💐

So he is having a 'midlife crisis' of sorts. I understand that you get to a point where you work to live and feel what's the point. However, family finances cannot be ignored and you have a lot of debt to pay off. He also has a family to be supported, not just financially.

So strike a deal, a long term career change can be done once the debt is gone, sacrifices are made and you have wiggle room. Look at the finances - stop buying so many presents, look at memberships (he seems to have time for) etc. Meanwhile can you upskill to get a better paying full time job whilst he goes into a part time one & looks after the dc more?

he cannot have these changes by himself - the whole family needs to agree to the change in lifestyle you have.

I would say fine to change his job if he's unhappy, but the arrangement where you do most of the childcare and housework was because you worked fewer hours.

If he's going to be drop his hours too, he needs to start pulling equal weight with childcare/housework.

Omg, just read your updates! £9,000 a year! How are you going to survive that? You do realise relying on a child's dla is not a long term plan? The child eventually gets it in their name when they're old enough. I work in the deaf community and see it all of the time. Universal credit is not great either. Your husband will have no choice but to cancel all these clubs and activities. How's he even going to afford going out with mates? He will end up more depressed, and sleeping all day. I can honestly see you guys divorcing with more debt.

I think that he is right he does have less downtime in the day. Yes jobs like appointments and picking up prescriptions and decluttering take some time but some of these things can be done when you want and you can declutter while having a cup of tea or whatever! Going for coffee and doing a bit of shopping is also a fairly pleasant low stress activity. I am not saying that the things you do on your days off are not useful or necessary by the way but it is not the same as being in work. You have more agency and ability to plan / decide what to do.

However you working outside of the home more will not make his life better. If he wants to work less hours then he can but there will be less money. Less money means less choices re gym, holidays etc. It sounds like he is just dissatisfied with his life and is blaming you for this. The debt, house, kids etc belongs to both of you. You not enjoying your time off is not going to make his life better.

All of this and more. I have spent years in various writing industries. For all kinds of paid writing, the market is saturated.

If he'a fiction author and wants to get picked up by a publisher, he's going to have a very long wait. I have worked with talented authors who just aren't talented enough to get traditionally published.

In most industries (journalism, content writing, academic writing), you need to do an awful lot of unpaid work before you find paid work.

If he is easily knocked down, it will only get worse. The criticism and rejection that comes with writing is brutal. It will send him into a downward spiral.

Also, you're unlikely to qualify for UC if you give up £45k a year for £9k a year.

If your dh wanted to write he'd be doing it already.
My dil has just published a book and is on her second, still works full time and cares for my dgs.

Your dh is a dreamer not a doer.

Seriously tell him to grow up.

Sorry Op just read your update. His plan is utterly bonkers. In fact it is so ridiculous I think he is almost goading you to leave him. Is there someone else? It does not sound believable. How would you pay your bills?

@PlacidPenelope

Yep! I foolishly paid no pension contributions when self-employed, as my plan was to retire to Spain, where my state pension would go further and I would have lots of equity from my house.

I was very foolish and now must face the consequences of my own pension naivety.

Has he actually been offered the job at the school? Or has he just seen it advertised and assumed he'll be offered the position?