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Original poster

Teacher: I went home crying again today

266 replies

Elendel · 08/12/2023 18:33

...because I got pulled up on using one wrong word (in context, and I am EAL) while a class of youngsters were able to use whatever tone and language they thought was fine with them at the time. I defended my stance, used one wrong word among many spoken in an effort to defuse the situation, and it was me who got pulled into a meeting over my language, not the kid who was in the wrong and ultimately defended by their peers through so many accusations.

Today I, an experienced teacher, am broken. I got told that I, as an adult, should have used a different way of approaching something the student instigated. I am unable to leave. But boy... I saw a car crash on the way home and for a split second I wished that had been me.

I am better now, I do not need help. But if you have children, teach them that other people - teachers - are human, too. Because I am held to such a high standard while displayed violence and verbal abuse are just everyday occurrences for me.

OP posts:
sashh · 09/12/2023 13:19

OP

Get signed off.

Resign and sign up with a few agencies for supply.

I've been out of teaching due to bad health for a few years, last week I was contacted by an agency offering £1000 pw. OK that is only term time but the number of emails I get asking if I can work, or if I know anyone who can.

wonderingwhatlifemeans · 09/12/2023 13:46

I am in a similar situation. I left my last job which was in a toxic school. I got a new job in a very different school which seemed lovely at my visit and interview. Guess what, it's actually worse so I am now on the job hunt again. I just want a happy school that is challenging but supportive and which doesn't wake you up at three in the morning with worries you can't address or resolve. I would also love to head to work without feeling physically sick about what the day will bring.

I am a union member and to be honest it's not the behaviour of my children but some of the adults that is causing the issue. You don't know what a school is really like until you are working in it so leaving and moving again is a risk. I could get into a great school or I could end up in another toxic one.

JWhipple · 09/12/2023 17:29

27icey · 08/12/2023 19:16

Everything is triggering these days.

The thing is, why aren't the school considering the likelihood that there's kids in that class who may be genuinely triggered by violent language and behaviour? And actually doing something about that?

Interested in this thread?

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General education
AllGoneToPott · 09/12/2023 17:39

I am sorry for your distress.
I honestly think secondary schools are no longer working. I know so many teachers and students off with anxiety and stress, and many others who absolutely hate teaching or being at school. I think they worked better for my generation but are no longer fit for purpose in the world our younger generation are growing up in today.

Topsyturveymam · 09/12/2023 17:43

I get what the school were saying but where was the support for you? It’s so easy to say the wrong thing when you are under high pressure. They should look at why you were under such high pressure.
Be kind to yourself, everyone says the wrong thing sometimes, especially when pressurised and stressed.

Winnipeg23 · 09/12/2023 17:48

Get signed off with work related stress. After Christmas holidays when it all.kicks off again if you need to.
The job can be so ridiculous and awful. Take time off...paid. so you can recover and be fresh again. Do what it takes to survive.
And you can move schools. If it's a toxic environment you need to get out in the medium term.
I think all teachers get where Ur coming from .

ScartlettSole · 09/12/2023 17:49

JWhipple · 09/12/2023 17:29

The thing is, why aren't the school considering the likelihood that there's kids in that class who may be genuinely triggered by violent language and behaviour? And actually doing something about that?

Show quote history

Exactly this. Kids are being subjected to horrendous violence in school. It is commonplace and normalised, there are no consequences and if a child hurts someone, a simple sorry apparently makes everything fine. Its raising generations of kids who will potentially be victims of domestic abuse because they are being taught violence is acceptable. It is really concerning

enchantedsquirrelwood · 09/12/2023 17:51

Elendel · 08/12/2023 18:56

I am a single parent due a mortgage renewal. Leaving right now is not an option.

Gently, but why? There must be other teaching jobs locally so it wouldn't affect your income? Changing jobs doesn't affect your ability to get a mortgage unless the salary is lower.

LalaPaloosa · 09/12/2023 17:55

Please leave. Find another school or at least start a job search. Someone else said that your current situation has got you so down on yourself that you don’t feel you can leave, but you can. She’s right.

I really feel for you. I couldn’t cope with kids behaving that way around me. I don’t know how you do it. Especially with no support from the school, and I think that is the real problem here. What are you supposed to do with these kids acting out day after day?

Just know you’re worth more than the current situation you’re in. Let your employers deal with these horribly behaved children and move on. Once you go, they won’t be your problem.

BananaBreadAndButter · 09/12/2023 18:01

You sound tired, and that makes things harder to take. However valid the feedback, schools can tell you kindly - a formal meeting for one slip is simply overbearing. On the other hand, taking you to a separate room where the conversation is confidential is normal.

I would certainly ask what the school has done to protect you from future occurrences of the abusive behaviour that the child dished out.

I understand that you need continuity of employment, but you're entitled to look elsewhere and only resign when you've got another job. Just looking at other schools can be a release because it gives you a feeling of more control. You don't have to move, but do examine your options. If, in a month it two, the incident is behind you, then you don't have to leave - but you'll know that you have alternatives in future.

Good luck.

LalaPaloosa · 09/12/2023 18:01

I’m also a single parent who has sole financial responsibility. I’ve changed jobs while remortgaging. Why don’t you speak to a broker and line up a remortgage now? You can do it ahead of changing jobs. I did this. By the time I signed the new mortgage documents I was in my notice period. I can send you the details of my broker. He’s excellent.

Wednesday6 · 09/12/2023 18:03

You need to look at it as valuable feedback and find a way to get over being defensive. Accept it.

LalaPaloosa · 09/12/2023 18:04

Elendel · 08/12/2023 19:09

I didn't swear. It was the equivalent of saying "you'll have to stay hungry for a while" to someone who hadn't eaten at break time and was chewing away on something in class. Turns out they weren't fed at home and what I said was triggering. But the person who pulled me up admitted this information wasn't shared with staff, normally. But because I sounded callous about it, everything was formally recorded.

So you didn’t actually do anything wrong. This is very unfair and I can see why you feel the way you do. It’s the injustice of it all.

Could you look for a role in a private school?

privateano · 09/12/2023 18:13

One of my friends was threatened with a knife when we were working in FE. The boy was let off with a warning, given to him by the principal with my friend present. As he left the room a knife fell from his sleeve and NOTHING was done.

I appreciate that FE is more dangerous than school, but @Elendel 's school sounds truly dreadful and is dangerous for her mental health. Just look for another job.

Isthisit2 · 09/12/2023 18:14

@Elendel what are your qualifications? Do you have a pgce or just a tefl? Could you work in primary instead of secondary? I’m assuming you are working with teenagers. I think you should look at other schools and other options. They’re online eal teaching but not usually well paid although depending on your kids ages you can work lots of hours by working weekends and all week so could make up for the low pay . Way less stress

Isthisit2 · 09/12/2023 18:22

@Elendel I absolutely agree with what you say; You are a human being with your own struggles (I actually remember being a teen quite well and honestly having empathy etc). I wouldn’t have dreamed of talking to other people they way some kids do now. I don’t agree there has to be total compliance and that teachers are not infallible but can’t believe the behaviour when subbing before , it’s so so bad. I’m not in the UK, I’m in Ireland and plenty of people still do primary school teaching here so it’s difficult to get work in this area as it’s seen as a “soft” job here, teachers leave at 2.30 here when the kids do , v long holidays in Ireland . But I’ve noticed a big decrease in new teachers in secondary tbh and I imagine behaviour is a huge factor .
I do think EAL often has younger teachers though … 25 isn’t crazy young , I was teaching at that age.

ilovechocolate07 · 09/12/2023 18:32

There is a way out! You just need the right support to find it. There's a group on a well known social that starts woth exit teaching. Look it up. You are worth more. I'm sad for my children and the many others who are losing good teachers because other children cannot behave. I am also in my exit plan. It's not easy but I'm thriving mentally.

Taurusandvirgo · 09/12/2023 18:42

MrsMurphyIWish · 09/12/2023 08:11

Teaching Is awful at the moment and I teach in an Outstanding school. Currently HR are investigating a pupil’s attack on me. SLT have admitted if an adult had done what this child has they could implement workplace bullying policies or if it was adult on child, they could follow safeguarding procedures. As it stands, there are such policies for child on adult. I am continuing to work but it’s tough. I feel physically sick each day but I don’t want to let my colleagues or others students down. I just feel awful as last night I sobbed all night. My children shouldn’t have to see me like this.

Edited

Have you reported it to police? You don't have to let the school deal with it outside the law.

Moglet4 · 09/12/2023 18:46

Isthisexpected · 08/12/2023 18:42

It's not bad that you were pulled up on it though. What if it was ignored? That's like saying it's acceptable. Forgive yourself but still accept accountability. Move on. I don't get why negative feedback makes you feel broken.

Try it for a day. Then you’ll understand.

David17875 · 09/12/2023 18:56

Knowing your pain! I was a teacher for 23 years with a bed hons.. the slightest thing!!! Get out! I did ! You have so many skills as a teacher just use them to your advantage without the grief!

Skybluepinky · 09/12/2023 19:08

Sounds like it’s not the right job for u, poor students.

Isthisexpected · 09/12/2023 19:24

Moglet4 · 09/12/2023 18:46

Try it for a day. Then you’ll understand.

Show quote history

In my profession I'm regularly video recorded and multiple people view it and give me (mostly) constructive feedback. If I were to use inappropriate language I'd expect the same. You can't expect to be treated the same as your customers/clients/pupils are they're not the (adult) employees.

housethatbuiltme · 09/12/2023 19:33

Elendel · 08/12/2023 19:09

I didn't swear. It was the equivalent of saying "you'll have to stay hungry for a while" to someone who hadn't eaten at break time and was chewing away on something in class. Turns out they weren't fed at home and what I said was triggering. But the person who pulled me up admitted this information wasn't shared with staff, normally. But because I sounded callous about it, everything was formally recorded.

So you told a vulnerable child to starve?

I was a severally underweight child (hospitalized for it) which was not my mams fault (cross between food allergies and medication induced appetite loss) but I became a very nervous eater. It was rare I felt the urge to eat but if I was chastised for it I would stop and go hungry... being mixed up from never feeling hungry then having burst of starvation (that people ALWAYS had to comment on, 'your so skinny how come you can eat like a horse?' etc...) made me feel like it was 'wrong' to eat anything.

Regardless of if you know a persons (private and confidential) medical history or not you must have awareness that nearly 10% of the population has some form of disordered eating.

You where pulled up on something that can be seriously dangerous, people die from the effects and your in a position of power over venerable youngster who are MOST at risk.

You aren't a victim of unfairness, you got told off correctly. Like the 'monster study' proved decades ago the negative/abusive words of teachers can have devastating life long consequences on children.

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/12/2023 19:35

housethatbuiltme · 09/12/2023 19:33

So you told a vulnerable child to starve?

I was a severally underweight child (hospitalized for it) which was not my mams fault (cross between food allergies and medication induced appetite loss) but I became a very nervous eater. It was rare I felt the urge to eat but if I was chastised for it I would stop and go hungry... being mixed up from never feeling hungry then having burst of starvation (that people ALWAYS had to comment on, 'your so skinny how come you can eat like a horse?' etc...) made me feel like it was 'wrong' to eat anything.

Regardless of if you know a persons (private and confidential) medical history or not you must have awareness that nearly 10% of the population has some form of disordered eating.

You where pulled up on something that can be seriously dangerous, people die from the effects and your in a position of power over venerable youngster who are MOST at risk.

You aren't a victim of unfairness, you got told off correctly. Like the 'monster study' proved decades ago the negative/abusive words of teachers can have devastating life long consequences on children.

Show quote history

And what about the consequences of your words to a teacher who has even briefly contemplated welcoming their own death?

Snuggleyou · 09/12/2023 19:38

Exactly teachers have got away with abusive/bad behaviour for too long at the detriment of children’s mental health. I for one am grateful for the likes of ofsted and holding teachers accountable.