What would you do if an overweight relative kept breaking your furniture?

[AlittleBitOfApple]

My partner has a very overweight family member, I am not being mean. I would say they are most definitely in excess of 20+stone, potentially over 25. This is the second time they have broken a piece of furniture.
The furniture is brand new and we paid for insurance on it which doesn't have an excess and unlimited claims for 5 years. So at least it won't cost us anything to get it fixed.
I am going to have call the furniture company on Monday and ask them to come out and look at our sofa because its clearly broken. You can feel it when you sit on it/its creaking and its the bit they always sit on when they come to visit. Its a 2k sofa so not a cheap one.
It makes me feel uncomfortable having them in my house because I am worried about things getting damaged. How on earth do you broach with someone that they are breaking your things with their weight? They are very defensive about it and I know if we said something it would affect the relationship my DP has with them. Equally I think they would try and deny it and say their sofa is fine etc. Both times it has happened we didn't notice until after they had gone. For example with the sofa, we don't often sit on the bit that I today have noticed is broken, however it is where they sit when ever they come over.

It's just a really awkward situation.

The post suggests that none of us should do that - overweight or not.

You are joking.

Being morbidly obese and being Jewish/ black/gay are comparable how?

First of all, there was no fat hatred. There was a lot of pushback from people blaming the sofa and minimising 25 stones of weight, despite the fact that this guest has broken 2 pieces of furniture and said nothing! Nowhere did someone say oh tell them not to visit till they lose weight.

You yourself have called people fat in a very derogatory way - you made a sweeping statement about fat british women on holiday. Should you be cancelled?

Yes, a poor diet and sedentary lifestyle is exactly the same as being born black, gay or Jewish. This place sometimes.

You are another one of those judgemental ignorant a-holes who presumes that anyone overweight has a poor diet and sedentary lifestyle.

🙄

you love the word judgment don't you?

There are people who try to promote weight has no effect on health & type 2 diabetes & losing weight doesn't help. My cousin was diagnosed with type 2. She was at least 3 stones overweight. She was referred to a dietician, lost over 3 stones, kept the weight off and has been in remission for 6 years. She knows it could still come back but her doctor says she's done brilliantly and its her weight loss which put her into remission.

There's always someone ready to pipe up how super fit and healthy they are at 25 stone.

How they've done a 10 mile walk that morning.

Missing the entire fucking point they've done that in spite of their weight, not because it's a marvelous thing. Pretending that it wouldn't be ten times easier if they were half their weight.

I am very slim. I am also horrendously unfit. Because I'm lazy too exhausted to do anything now I have DTwins. I'm slim because I never get to finish a meal before one of them is being a pain in the ass, or I'm dealing with the eldest who has additional needs. So my (albeit slim) shape, and level of fitness are down to restricted diet and being lazy. It's really not hard to be accountable for your own actions. It seems to be that hell will freeze over before most overweight people will admit they are lazy or have poor diet though.

And all too predictably, now someone will pipe up with their medical condition. Ignoring that it doesn't apply to 99.9% of the people we're discussing. The exception does not make the rule.

I don't have a poor diet or a sedentary lifestyle but it's still my own fault I'm fat! Of course not all obese people are sedentary and eat crap but that doesn't mean being obese is out of our control.

Well done, you sound like a full on brilliant mum to twins. I was like a rake for years having had children close together, it was non stop 😁

Or - hide the pies! 😂

<dons tin hat>

I AM fat.

It's a combination of age, thyroid an sheer unadulterated greed.

I only wan now meal a day - but I do don't portion control. I am the fist to admit that I do gobble and guzzle. I always have done - as the oldest child I scoffed everything I could because if I didn't someone else would grab it off my plate. It was a lesson I learned early on in life, and even though no-one has pinched my food for over 50 years I take no chances.

If anyone wants to call me a whale, they are welcome. I don't find it offensive. Mr Viper still finds my not-so-girlish charms more than acceptable* - that'll do me.

*Sometimes I wish he wouldn't - doesanyone know of a perfume which is vaguely repellent?

Or they will realise that while there is nothing wrong with being a particular race, colour or creed, or being attracted to members of one's own sex, being fat is, for most people, not a simple gift of God, like eye colour, but within their control and overweight people should be encouraged for their own sake, for their families' sakes, and for that of the NHS, to shed some of their adipose tissue.

Sorry op but I think you say nothing. You say this isn't a fat shaming thread but:

What are you expecting to gain from telling them about this issue?

You're not out any money so presumably you don't want them to pay damages?

They're not going to be able to lose that amount of weight any time soon so they can't change this overnight. (If they have a medical issue they may not be able to change it at all)

Do you want them to just stand when they visit you?

Or do you want to point out specifically that you won't have them in your house any more due to their weight so they can feel badly about it? So they can feel embarrassed and ashamed?

What's your goal here?

The easiest thing to do is meet them at their house or out in the community without saying ANYTHING about their weight.

And I do agree that your 2k sofa might look beautiful, but if it can't handle that weight then it's a shit sofa and is made for aesthetic appeal over practicality.

My relative has a significant brain tumor. The medication he's on has caused tremendous weight gain. The brain injury that came with the tumor and subsequent surgeries makes it increasingly hard for him to make appropriate choices about a whole load of things including food and exercise.

Unless you've thorough access to someone's medical history you have no right to comment on their body. That's between them and their doctor and is none of your business.

I'm very sorry for your relatives medical condition, which must be very distressing for them.

However, if you read my post you will see that I say that or MOST people being fat is not something out of their control.

Your relative is obviously not in this group.

No and I do get that, my point is just that without knowing him you wouldn't know that he had that condition at all.

So why bother commenting and leave people to make their own decisions regarding their health? Fat people know they're fat, there's too many people who feel entitled or like they need to make remarks on other people's bodies and appearance and weight when they don't have a full picture. To me it's for the individual and their gp to discuss as is appropriate for any health issue.

Plus let's not forget that people have different standards for what is classed as 'fat'. My mum was constantly at me and my sister about our weight when we were young because we were much curvier than her. We were both of a perfectly healthy bmi but her comments left us both feeling very insecure and probably contributed to the issues we now have with food and weight. I don't see it as beneficial coming from anyone bar a health professional.

Brilliant post @Lavender14 👏 👏 and sorry to hear about your relative.

What are you expecting to gain from telling them about this issue?

You think they've broken, not one, but two sofas and known nothing about it both times. They know they've broken at least one, and think it's ok to just leave the damage and cost to OP. OP isn't the arsehole here.

You're not out any money so presumably you don't want them to pay damages?

Oh well that's ok then eh! OP pays a particular kind of insurance to cover the cost, so let's have them break two of her chairs and her bed as well. What about the repeated inconvenience? What about the fact you don't just break people's expensive possessions twice, pretend you haven't and leave?

They're not going to be able to lose that amount of weight any time soon so they can't change this overnight. (If they have a medical issue they may not be able to change it at all)

Since when did OP say they should?

Do you want them to just stand when they visit you?

How about they come up with a solution to breaking other people's furniture repeatedly. Or do they think they're entitled to break what they like and cry "fat shaming" if anyone objects to £4k of broken possessions.

Or do you want to point out specifically that you won't have them in your house any more due to their weight so they can feel badly about it? So they can feel embarrassed and ashamed?

They aren't banned from the house. They need to stop breaking thousands of pounds of furniture and pretending they haven't. They absolutely should feel ashamed of leaving without saying anything. They broke her things. Twice.

What's your goal here?

For the person who repeatedly breaks her furniture but wails "fat shaming" if the idea they should be accountable for that, to stop breaking her furniture. And how to tackle that, when the person instantly goes into defense mode, at the "audacity" should OP try and have a conversation about the thousands of pounds of damage they've caused.

The easiest thing to do is meet them at their house or out in the community without saying ANYTHING about their weight.

And if they just stop by? What does OP do?

And I do agree that your 2k sofa might look beautiful, but if it can't handle that weight then it's a shit sofa and is made for aesthetic appeal over practicality.

Of course you do. Despite many posters already having shown that specific bariatric furniture is designed for that weight, and standard furniture is not. So if a standard sofa has withstood a much greater weight, then lovely. They aren't designed too. And are not "shit" when they break because of it.

<wonders when the word "fat" stopped being a description, and automatically became an insult>

Probably when this "shaming" lark started.

Any reference to anything you'd rather not hear and you've been XXX shamed.
People can't deal with reality anymore.

People on this thread have repeatedly claimed 25 stone is not unusual these days, and you can be fit and healthy at that weight.
That's not having different standards, it's objectively nonsense.