What would you do if an overweight relative kept breaking your furniture?

[AlittleBitOfApple]

My partner has a very overweight family member, I am not being mean. I would say they are most definitely in excess of 20+stone, potentially over 25. This is the second time they have broken a piece of furniture.
The furniture is brand new and we paid for insurance on it which doesn't have an excess and unlimited claims for 5 years. So at least it won't cost us anything to get it fixed.
I am going to have call the furniture company on Monday and ask them to come out and look at our sofa because its clearly broken. You can feel it when you sit on it/its creaking and its the bit they always sit on when they come to visit. Its a 2k sofa so not a cheap one.
It makes me feel uncomfortable having them in my house because I am worried about things getting damaged. How on earth do you broach with someone that they are breaking your things with their weight? They are very defensive about it and I know if we said something it would affect the relationship my DP has with them. Equally I think they would try and deny it and say their sofa is fine etc. Both times it has happened we didn't notice until after they had gone. For example with the sofa, we don't often sit on the bit that I today have noticed is broken, however it is where they sit when ever they come over.

It's just a really awkward situation.

I wish i didn't need to juggle him lol, but there are times i've had to lift/carry/restrain him, so manoeuvring my own ample self isn't difficult!

and welcome to my argument that fat doesn't always equal unfit.

I'm fat, and i have a knackered spine due to degenerative disk disease and use a cane to walk, but physically, i'm stronger than most adults, not diabetic, not pre-diabetic, cholesterol and BP are both good.

I just happen to swim/do yoga to keep myself fit as i can because of needing to 'juggle teenagers' as a PP put it, lol

Unfortunately, neither put a dent in my weight. <shrug>

That's the thing though. I don't know the figures. Or the actual case of the next door neighbour mentioned above.

How many obese people are obese because of medical conditions? Or genuine trauma response?

Because every single person I know who is obese, eats too much and doesn't exercise. It's absolutely their lifestyle choices.

It may well be that the neighbour mentioned above, had a disorder. It may well be they are just gluttonous. What's important though, is you were quick to shoot down the PP as disgusting for assuming the latter. But you've done exactly the same thing. Assumed it must be a medical disorder with no knowledge to suggest that. How do you know it wasn't a lifestyle choice?

We all have the same skeleton- My brother says whenever he sees a morbidity obese person, he thinks of their fragile skeleton inside, having to function with all the excess mass it has to support.
Knees and hips in particular .

If one looks at old footage from the 1960’s and 1970’s, street scenes on you tube, almost everyone is really slim.
But look around now- and so many people are much “ Fatter”.

Convenience food? Snacking? Takeaways?

Less walking and cycling?

Would you say a depressed, schizophrenic or anxious person suffers due to poor lifestyle choice.

I would if they made poor lifestyle choices like drugs, alcohol or overeating. Someone's MH can make it more likely they make unhealthy choices, but they still make the unhealthy choices.

So the OP has a genuine quandary. How to prevent something happening again. How would they ask this on mn without mentioning the right of the person?

weight of the person.

The OP is estimating up to 25st. They may be 28st. Who knows. The person could be 5-10stone heavier than you. That's significant^^

Yet there are several people here who say they or their large visitors have broken furniture. They can ball have crap furniture. It's not just the weight. It's also the manner of sitting. Some people slam down or sort of topple down. That massively increases the force compared to someone who gently sits.

Averaging weight capacities from dozens of sofas, the weight capacity of the typical three-seater couch is around 750 pounds. However, as you’re shopping, you may also see weight capacities also noted “per seat” and range from 200 to 300 pounds.

Sorry. Pressed post too soon. I copied that from a reputable furniture site. That is 53 stone TOTAL sofa weight capacity and around 14-20 stone per seat. So no, the sofa is not poor quality. Sofas are not designed for people over 20 stone. It's not reasonable to expect people to have bariatric seating in their home

My thought too. It could just as easily be a 15 stone person sitting on the lap of another 15 stone person.

Many people who are overweight minimise why. The OP said an overweight person had broken her furniture. If you’re overweight you KNOW it. You don’t just walk out of someone’s house knowing you’ve broken something and not say anything or offer to pay for it for goodness sake!

It not an “oops sorry” situation is it? If weight causes someone to break furniture why should the person whose furniture it is have to reinforce it or pay for breakages? Seriously, people should be able to say sorry and take responsibility if they break something instead of the “oh you’re fat shaming me” rubbish I’ve read on here tonight.

People KNOW they’re fat, a lot of people don’t do anything about it and that’s fine but don’t break someone’s furniture and walk away.

I don’t think I did. You actually said -
“My heart breaks for your relative for having family like you that think about them like that and share it on the internet.”
If that isn’t a criticism, what is? What do you suggest people in this position should do? Just continue to fork out for new furniture, every time it gets broken?

For those saying it's a crap sofa - I'm fecking tiny, weigh less than 8 stone. DP is 6ft, weighs 13 stone. We were once messing around and he picked me up & threw me on the bed. The entire oak bed frame collapsed around me in slow motion like a Buster Keaton movie. It wasn't my weight, it was the impact.
But he did laugh his arse off as I slowly vanished from view, buried underneath the duvet & pillows, as each bit of bed fell apart. Until then, the bed had quite comfortably absorbed bothe our weight.

Not really sure how you can handle this OP. The uncharitable part of me thinks you should say 'sorry, the sofa got broken again recently, but we did buy you a beanbag/deckchair to sit on' and see if he's still so keen to turn up. If your DP won't address it though, it does leave you a bit stuck. Excuses will only give you so much space until he splinters another bit of furniture.

Yeah. My wife weighs north of 20 stone and our furniture is fine. It’s bog standard stuff in the main. Our dining room chairs are over 50 years old and they are fine with the weight even if she stands on one.

I’ve genuinely never seen her damage furniture and I’ve known her 25 years.

I on the other hand am a normal weight and broke my friends recliner by always levering myself up using the same place!

I think there is a disconnect here in terms of what ‘choice’ means in the context of mental illness.

Because every single person I know who is obese, eats too much and doesn't exercise. It's absolutely their lifestyle choices.

It’s actually quite difficult to eat yourself into massive morbid obesity (think of all the people who eat what they like but don’t get that fat)- you have to overeat a lot for a sustained amount of time, all the while dealing with the knowledge that you are damaging your health and dealing with the negativity and shame from people’s judgement. It requires a real driving force somewhere to maintain the cognitive dissonance.

Saying someone ‘chooses’ that is the same as saying an anorexic chooses to starve or a bulimic chooses to vomit- yes, they do, but it’s only a choice in the most reductive sense.

I think the first step OP should be stopping them from coming round uninvited. Talk to them about arranging a visit and not just turning up. Then equally tell your dp if he wants to maintain this relationship he should really be going round to see them. It's not fair on either you that this person's decision to be obese ends in damage for your furniture.

Agree. The broken furniture is a symptom of the bigger problem. This relative sounds crass and inconsiderate. Deflect him from visiting.

Agree, @dogvcat

Totally agree. The increase in portion sizes, ubiquity of food and massive obesity is astounding.

Check out the sizes of clothing in exhibitions and museums, or the capacity of plates, bowls and cups in antique shops compared to, say, IKEA.

Gluttony is rampant.

I take your comment on board- and you re right in that I'm not obese, but I'm borderline due to medical condition (hypothyroidism). I restrict what I eat and am constantly hungry - it's not nice, but it's that or get bigger.

I knew the neighbour almost all of his life (since he was 14). He certainly wasn't lazy - he held down a job and was very well thought of. However he "enjoyed a drink". and took no exercise. The entire family was prone to put on weight, so there were genetic factors involved, as I have mentioned.

I don't doubt that there were psychological factors involved, too - he was a very friendly man, but one who didn't like crowds, so drank a lot in the house. And he ate a lot - sometimes he would tell me what he'd had (say) for his breakfast that morning and I couldn't believe that one stomach could hold so much.

I wasn't commenting to shame or to criticise him, but to highlight how once weight starts to go on, if not checked at an early stage it will get worse very rapidly because of the knock on effects of difficulties in exercising and the boredom which comes with not being physically active and spending evenings in front of the TV. A sedentary lifestyle isn't good even for thin people - for overweight ones it's literally a death sentence.

Ultimately the only person who can control someone's weight is the individual themselves, so yes - it IS life-style choice to a degree.

And as for cancelling people - as I've said in an earlier post, not facing the truth about a situation doesn't mean it doesn't exist. In fact it can make things worse by disguising them.

I don't agree with a lot of things other people post/say, but I accept that they have the right to voice their opinions without being silenced, just as I have the right to disagree with them. I don't have the right to go round "cancelling" people because of someone's opinions that I don't like. "Cancelling" is bullying = and in it's worst form because it prevents truth being spoken

No-one is bullying any individual (which would be unacceptable) but pointing out the practical problems and the dangers which come with excess weight. It isn't "disgusting" - it's facing facts. Whilst I would never want to make someone ashamed of their size, appearance etc, pretending that it doesn't matter is NOT a kindness. It does matter - it matters a lot - and unless people are helped to face up to how their eating habits etc are damaging them, and helped to overcome them, then they will become more and more ill.

The increase in portion sizes, ubiquity of food and massive obesity is astounding.

These are good points - portion sizes in particular. When I was a girl (back when dinosaurs ruled the earth) a portion of chips from the chippy came in a bag which fitted comfortably into the average hand.

Now you get a choice of "sizes" for the container for your chips, and even the smallest contains enough for at least 2 (or in our house 3) people. "All you can eat" places encourage people to stuff themselves to bursting to "get their money's worth".

And as you say - food, in a readily consumable form, is everywhere. A lot of it is full of corn oil which is addictive because of its high palatability, while having littler no actual food value - and of course, being high in calories. It also has a low satiety value, so that shortly after eating, you are ready for more.

It breaks my heart when I see young people who are obese - not just their appearance is affected, but as @oakleaffy says, their "fragile skeletons" (and they are fragile) are suffering horribly. Every joint in their lower body - and their spine - is put under a pressure it isn't designed to cope with. I wonder what the average age for hip and knee replacements, and slipped disks is going to be in 10 years' time. Much lower than it is today.

You declaring simple statement of fact as "disgusting" and how it should be "cancelled" is far more concerning.

Thank you.

Absolutely agree, None of us have the right to shut people up because we don't like their opinion, or that they have stated a proven fact. We can, however, be as offended as we like at their comments - we all have that right.

What are you talking about? That post wasn’t ‘disgusting’? And why are you going on about cancel culture?! 😵‍💫