Mum is overweight but dad and kids aren't

[ChocolateHippo]

Just musing over this. What do you think when you come across a family where the mum is overweight but the dad and kids aren't?

The family in question are relatively well-off, the dad does several sports (cycling, training for various events) and the kids each do several out-of-school activities a week. The dad and kids are very fit and active. I know the mum used to do some hobbies/sports pre-DC.

Just curious to know whether other people tend to think the same thing that I do in this scenario.

I’d be thinking that woman’s body had to go through physical changes that her husbands didn’t, pregnancy alters your body permanently.

I used to work with a man who was stick thin, not an ounce of fat on him, must have had a BMI of about 15. His wife was super-morbidly obese, the largest person I've ever seen in real life. She was a SAHM, and every day she would bring his plated-up lunch to work. It was basically a teeny tiny piece of chicken, a pile of lettuce, and an apple. It was all very strange - he clearly ate almost nothing and she must have eaten a lot. I found myself wondering how it worked when they sat down for meals together. I was young and couldn't help being curious about it! (many years later he went to prison for doing some very dubious stuff but that's a whole other story)

I don't think anything and I'm quite judgmental.

I definitely want to emphasize that having an underactive thyroid doesn’t necessarily result in weight gain if it’s correctly treated with medication.

I’m on 150mg Levothyroxine, which is a higher dose, but my weight is stable-the medication should do this.

So if anyone is concerned that their thyroid is causing weight gain, please ask for a further blood test as your medication probably needs to be adjusted.

I would say that the mum looks like she has very little time for herself given what you have stated that the kids and the husband part take in a lot of physical activities maybe her needs aren't being met she has little to no time for own self care because she's putting her family before herself.

She could also be equally as active but that's just her body shape.

She could be exhausted and perhaps enjoys a nice glass of wine and chocolate in her spare time who knows so many assumptions we can make.

My mams dads side where slim and very, very short (basically the opposit) so I'm guessing thats what threw the genetics and made us average height and skinny. It's funny how it has skipped 3 generation to hit my DS full force talk about a throw back gene.

Genetics have a huge influence on weight so this makes total sense although I know it's not accepted on mumsnet. There are adoption studies that show that even in where people are adopted as infants their biological parents' weight is a much better predictor of the child's adult weight that the weight of the parents that raised them.

I would probably think that the mother doesn’t get much time to herself and gives all her attention to her family, leaving little for herself. It’s a very common scenario. The father’s maintain their hobbies whilst the mothers run themselves into the ground accommodating everyone else’s needs but their own.

The woman would have to be really extremely large for me to even notice.

Where I live, the typical young couple consists of an OW woman and a gym fit man. This is not considered in any way a 'mismatch'. The young women pay a lot of attention to their appearance, hair, clothes, nails, and are considered 'curvy', and as attractive as their fit partners. Interestingly, of the older couples I know, this seems reversed with the women much fitter and slimmer than the men.

Really? I don’t get that at all. I see plenty of overweight women, some are mothers, some aren’t, I see plenty of healthy weight women, some are mothers, some aren’t. Unless the woman was complaining to me about her lifestyle I’d not think anything of it.

This is a strange post! I wouldn't think anything specifically in that situation, beyond the general assumption that overweight people eat more than not overweight people. So I guess the mum eats more than the rest? But that actual thought wouldn't pass my mind as I don't really think about other people's diet etc.

Well if dad is off doing umpteen hobbies a week and the kids are also doing umpteen hobbies per week then mum is supervising the kids and doesn't get the same opportunities to have hobbies really then does she cos there's only so much time in a week.

And I wouldn't assume that every one's hobby is exercising either so if the mum did get hobby time it wouldn't necessarily be biking or football or the gym.

And I would reasonably assume that they're all eating the same sort of stuff because who has time to cook different meals if there's no medical requirement on top of life admin and managing teenagers.

I wouldn't think badly of the mum at all.

I honestly don't think anything at all about it at all. It's not actually unusual for one parent to be overweight, is it?

Why would it be weird? It's not like a whole family necessarily eats the same, exercises the same, has the same health background, hormone levels etc. I just wouldn't even think about it.

Thinking about the biggest woman I know, her kids aren't overweight at all. No idea about her husband, as I've never met him, but it's never once occurred to me to speculate about why she's very big while the kids are slim and active.

I honestly never have stopped to reflect on the relative weight of the people I know. But I will tell you that I know many women who carry the mental load and are much slimmer than their husbands because they actively maintain weight.

I don't eat when I'm stressed so my weight is inversely proportional to what's going on in my life.

Not at all accurate in a very important ways.

Women are less likely to have heart attacks than men except between the ages of 20 & 39 when women are more likely to have them. A briefing by the BHF found that :

• women having a heart attack delay seeking medical help longer than men because they don't recognise the symptoms
• a woman is 50% more likely than a man to receive the wrong initial diagnosis for a heart attack
• women are less likely than men to receive a number of potentially life saving treatments in a timely way
• following a heart attack women are less likely to be prescribed medications to help prevent a second heart attack.

https://www.bhf.org.uk/what-we-do/policy-and-public-affairs/transforming-healthcare/womenheart-disease/download-bias-and-biology-briefing

As for suicide, women are more likely to attempt suicide than men, but men are more likely to be “successful” in their attempts.

https://media.samaritans.org/documents/ResearchBriefingGenderSuicide_2021_v7.pdf

I wouldn’t think anything.
If I was forced to answer the question my suggestions would be;
Mum may have a thyroid condition or an eating disorder.
She might not prioritise her needs - eat junk on the go, forget to eat then crave sugar etc.
She may have put lots of weight on during her pregnancies which she can’t or doesn’t want to lose.
She probably doesn’t get time to exercise while he might go to the gym before or after work.
She could be taking medication for a health issue that involves weight gain.
It could all boil down to genetics. Slim children doesn’t equal slim adults.

Honestly with all that info, I'd assume mum is too busy caring for kids while the Dad is doing his hobbies/carting kids around to groups to do her own exercise or hobbies. Busy mum=less time for self care, less time to be mindful of food, stress can lead to comfort eating. I've noticed in busy families it's usually the mum who sacrifices herself, and that can come in the form of not taking care of appearance/not noticing weight changes.

Or Mum has a very relaxed life, dad takes kids out and does exercise in own time and she likes to lie down and eat chocolate. No judgement either way.

Genetics do play a part in how well or poorly you can control your weight, but people say they're big boned or have a slow metabolism as excuses. You can lose weight with hypothyroidism, disabled people who use wheelchairs and aren't particularly mobile can lose weight. There are rarely true barriers in normally healthy and able people- just excuses. I don't say that to bash people who use excuses- it's just not something I would consider if I was judging this family. I wouldn't think "Well mum obviously has different genetics and kids take after dad" Because it doesn't actually work that way.

This is quite common.

I'd say in general mum works too hard at life, at work and at home and DP doesn't do enough, and so she doesn't give herself enough priority. Mum doesn't have enough time and energy to exercise and comfort eats.

Also it's far easier for anyone to be fat than slim these days. Slim takes a lot of effort, we live in an obesogenic society.

@PeppermintMandy well unless you are arguing that women are too stupid to suicide successfully, that surely suggests that many of their attempts are made in a desperate attempt to seek help rather than actually die through suicide? So men are genuinely more suicidal.

I wouldn't even notice let alone ask for opinions of others on a forum

I don’t think anything to be honest. However , the one person I know where this is the case has just given herself over completely to her family and spends a lot of evenings alone as her husband is working and kids at sports so I think she comfort eats

But also there's massive assumptions surrounding self care. I don't care about being slim. If I felt pressure to maintain a given weight it would be an extra job for me, not self care. My self care is seeing friends down the pub, reading or watching TV. So even if I had the same amount of self care time as a gym and activity loving partner I would not be the same weight as him.

I've suffered from PCOS my whole life and I think it's really interesting that while I've been offered metformin (pre being peri-menopausal it helped me to stop gaining weight super easily, but never helped me lose weight and it totally messed with my stomach as well which wasn't super fun). But otherwise, it's acknowledged as a problem but no professional has ever done more than say, "try harder."

The weight gain started in my 20s and the only time I've ever lost weight is while pregnant. I assume that' because I'm eating the same, but don't have PCOS while I'm pregnant and so my calorie intake is fine, and I promptly lose weight. I weighed 5kg less the day DS was born than I had before I got pregnant, and 9kg less the day DD was born.

I know that I mostly eat quite healthily and I do not scarve down sweets and chocolates. I DO, admittedly, consume too many calories in the form of wine, I'm sure. But I become very self conscious about eating because I think people must assume I'm constantly stuffing my face. And if I'm out for dinner with friends and they're all eating loads, I find myself wondering if they secretly just don't eat the rest of the time because otherwise, how can they be relatively slim when I'm not.

I really hate it.

Weirdest thread I've seen in a while.. so many reasons to be fat. Eats more. Hates exercise. Health problems, medication, likes being fat, likes her high calorie foods. None of your business really.