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Original poster

Mum is overweight but dad and kids aren't

398 replies

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 12:44

Just musing over this. What do you think when you come across a family where the mum is overweight but the dad and kids aren't?

The family in question are relatively well-off, the dad does several sports (cycling, training for various events) and the kids each do several out-of-school activities a week. The dad and kids are very fit and active. I know the mum used to do some hobbies/sports pre-DC.

Just curious to know whether other people tend to think the same thing that I do in this scenario.

OP posts:
Usernumber47378463737373783833 · 05/12/2023 14:02

I would mind my own business!

Lifeisapeach · 05/12/2023 14:02

Oh goodness this is me!!!!!

JANEY205 · 05/12/2023 14:03

I don’t think about it, but now you have brought it up, all the women like this I know have health issues causing them to be bigger. So are on steroids, have had thyroid cancer, serious hormonal issues etc. It’s all health issues!

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DaftyInTheMiddle · 05/12/2023 14:03

I literally wouldn’t even register it tbh. Unless the dad was an Olympian and the mum couldn’t get out the front door.

What I find is bizarre people jumping straight to “poor overworked woman with no time to look after herself” though, she could have been fat before kids? I was, I’ve not gained or lost but I’m certainly not a wife at home with no time for exercise because I married a loser who doesn’t pull his weight. I married a decent bloke and I’m a lazy cunt with adhd who dopamine seeks through food and hates exercise 🤷‍♀️

Tacotortoise · 05/12/2023 14:04

You could be describing my family. I'm fat partly because I dont have (and have never have had) a well developed stop button when it comes to food and partly because I put on weight if I eat more than 1000 calories a day and find it really hard to stick to less than 1000 calories for any length of time. I eat a good diet but too much of it.

My family are healthy weights because they eat the same good diet but need 2-3,000 calories per day and because they all naturally stop eating when they feel full.

We all exercise an average amount except for ds2 who's a dancer and does much more (he's the one on 3000 calories a day).

MelsMoneyTree · 05/12/2023 14:04

Thinking about this a bit more, sometimes it can be the opposite. When my DM died, DH was doing most of the cooking at home (he'd taken it over when I was spending so much time at the hospital and hospice) and since he struggles to gain or maintain weight, he cooks very differently from me. His cooking habits and portion sizes combined with being peri-menopausal meant I very quickly put on weight. I guess at that point, people could have looked at us and thought he was prioritising himself and I had no time for self-care. Actually I was grieving and he was cooking and my hormones were horrendous.

WalkingPrimrose86 · 05/12/2023 14:06

This situation isn’t concerning to me.
Occam’s razor: Mum has always been bigger and her hubby has always liked it/thought she is beautiful as she is. Dads always been sporty. Kids happen to have followed Dad.

I once worked with a woman who thought that if a woman had a girl, she would only go on to have other girls, and that the same followed with sons. There seems to be a similar misconception here: overweight people aren’t always the parents of overweight people.

PerspiringElizabeth · 05/12/2023 14:06

I know many families like this, us being one of them. Multitude reasons! I’m just glad I’m not passing those reasons onto my kids tyvm!

MerryChristmasToYou · 05/12/2023 14:07

I know a couple where the DH is very sporty (regularly competes in triathlons) and his wife is 'curvy' (her word, not mine, I'd say she's plus sized). She was curvy before DP/DH and DC camealong.

My thoughts are 'Is she on AIBU complaining about her DH's hobby?'

Catslovenip · 05/12/2023 14:07

Are you thinking she’s tired of being judged ?

MerryMarigold · 05/12/2023 14:08

I genuinely wouldn't not notice or ponder the difference. If the mum was hugely obese, I may wonder why that is very briefly but it wouldn't be in the context of her family. My first thought would be health issues causing it and then I would probably forget all about it.

Cheeseywheel · 05/12/2023 14:08

It’s a tale as old as time… man and woman meet. Fall in love. Love doing things together and are all fit and athletic. Get married and have kids. The mum looks after the kids and doesn’t do anything for herself except eat cake and drink wine. The dad continues his fitness. The woman gets fat and sad. The man has affair with young fit woman he meets at the gym.

HamBone · 05/12/2023 14:10

Cheeseywheel · 05/12/2023 14:08

It’s a tale as old as time… man and woman meet. Fall in love. Love doing things together and are all fit and athletic. Get married and have kids. The mum looks after the kids and doesn’t do anything for herself except eat cake and drink wine. The dad continues his fitness. The woman gets fat and sad. The man has affair with young fit woman he meets at the gym.

@Cheeseywheel 😂

What about when the Dad gets fatter and the Mum doesn’t? Does she go off with a hottie whom she met at the gym? Perhaps I should be on the lookout.😂

museumum · 05/12/2023 14:10

I'd not think about it spontaneously, but if asked I'd say stress, lack of time for self-care and also that our society is still in a place where men find it easier to do sport together with friends as their downtime/hobby and it's not as easy for women. It's slowly changing, I think, with more women's teams and clubs, but traditionally it's statistically more likely men will do some sport into adulthood than women.
Also, when babies and kids are young, women often work shorter hours and do 'bedtime' more often than men. It's really hard to find sport that isn't at 7pm ish. Took me years to find a running club I could manage alongside family commitments.

Of course, weight is about food too, but I do think women more often eat their stress and frustration. And are judged more, and get into unhealthy relationships with food where a difficult stressful time leads to weight gain which leads to feeling crap and being judged and therefore more weight gain. I know I have.

nevertrustanyoneagain · 05/12/2023 14:11

My DH is petite due to a bone condition. I am overweight due to thyroid condition. Both my children are over 6ft. One is a trans girl. We don't give a shit what people think when they see us.

MzHz · 05/12/2023 14:11

I’d think I’m glad I don’t know you/have you as a “friend” @ChocolateHippo and suspect you’re on the lookout to wreck this woman’s well off family

i feel sorry for people who have so very little going on in their lives they feel it’s appropriate to ‘muse’ on the lives of others. I feel pure contempt for those who make threads about it.

MerryChristmasToYou · 05/12/2023 14:12

Men aren't petite.

Orangeandgold · 05/12/2023 14:13

In general women tend to go through lots with age, child baring etc that often means women are more likely to gain weight is specific places - stomach, thighs.

I don’t think much of it but I do know people close to me with thyroid problems or that gained weight from being pregnant but not able to be so mobile or a health condition that has meant they have piled on the weight or struggle to loose it.

Original poster
ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 14:16

MzHz · 05/12/2023 14:11

I’d think I’m glad I don’t know you/have you as a “friend” @ChocolateHippo and suspect you’re on the lookout to wreck this woman’s well off family

i feel sorry for people who have so very little going on in their lives they feel it’s appropriate to ‘muse’ on the lives of others. I feel pure contempt for those who make threads about it.

I'm afraid you're a bit out there @MzHz .

I have nothing against people of any weight and am overweight myself.

But I'm afraid I do have an irrational dislike of serious cyclists (especially the male lycra'd variety who go on multiple day events - I'm perfectly fine with people who bumble off to work on their bikes) and so wouldn't touch my friend's DH with a barge-pole.

OP posts:
KeyboardMash · 05/12/2023 14:16

Yep - my first thought reading the OP was "bet she does everything for everybody while the husband swans out the door for his run/bike ride/gym time".

SisterAgatha · 05/12/2023 14:16

Dad is fat in our family, the rest of us are slim. His family are all large, he doesn’t seem to eat any more than I do so who knows.

sixteenfurryfeet · 05/12/2023 14:16

I'd wonder whether maybe she had an underactive thyroid.

To be honest, I'd be a bit Hmm if the kids were obese. There's only one reason for that, and it is what they are fed by the parents.

housethatbuiltme · 05/12/2023 14:17

I think its not really your business to judge.

My DS is overweight, he looks a bit chonky/chubby but not 'obese', he is also VERY tall (towers over me and DH and has since 13) and does not look like the rest of us.

He doesn't eat a huge amount, does like chocolate and cookies but doesn't sit and pig out all day or anything and has always been very active in lots of sports clubs. He was slim/average until at 9 and has been shooting up in weight and height ever since.

I was severely underweight all my childhood/teens, now classed as perfectly average healthy weight. DH is normal weight too, both younger kids are slim/normal as well.

We found out recently my DS CLEARLY gets his genes from my mams mams dads (his great-great-grandfathers family) side of the family, they are all well built giants too. He also has the exact same facial features as that branch of the family.

My mams dads side where slim and very, very short (basically the opposit) so I'm guessing thats what threw the genetics and made us average height and skinny. It's funny how it has skipped 3 generation to hit my DS full force talk about a throw back gene.

He didn't even meet that side of the family until attending a funeral in his teens and it was shocking to see him blend right in. It nothing to do with 'nurture', 'family influence' or 'lifestyle'.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 05/12/2023 14:19

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 13:00

I am judgemental in some of these cases, but generally of the husband not the wife.

Why? You're describing my family but why would you judge my husband? He's a man who loves me unconditionally, whatever my weight. Who understands that I have had a lifelong battle with an eating disorder and a serious sleep disorder. Who goes out of his way to support me. I don't understand the judgment.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 14:19

It wouldn’t even enter my head, I’d definetly not attribute it to being a mother, plenty of women who aren’t are overweight and plenty of women who are aren’t overweight.