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Original poster

Mum is overweight but dad and kids aren't

398 replies

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 12:44

Just musing over this. What do you think when you come across a family where the mum is overweight but the dad and kids aren't?

The family in question are relatively well-off, the dad does several sports (cycling, training for various events) and the kids each do several out-of-school activities a week. The dad and kids are very fit and active. I know the mum used to do some hobbies/sports pre-DC.

Just curious to know whether other people tend to think the same thing that I do in this scenario.

OP posts:
Totalwarbanner · 05/12/2023 14:35

I’m sure people see this when they look at our family.

Tall, willowy and athletic DH, DD and DS.

And there I am looking like a cross between Brienne of Tarth and Rik Mayall, built like a brick shithouse.

PCOS, some of my asthma medications and long gruelling shift work as a nurse have all made my weight difficult to maintain. My genes too I guess, I’m almost identical to my father and sister.

We eat healthily at home and are often outdoor with the dogs whenever we get time together.

MerryChristmasToYou · 05/12/2023 14:36

and eating the children's leftovers.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/12/2023 14:36

Just musing over this. What do you think when you come across someone who is unbelievably judgemental towards others and makes all sorts of assumptions about situations that she knows nothing about?

Just curious to know whether other people tend to think the same thing that I do in this scenario.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Weight management
lirbravoncant · 05/12/2023 14:36

ReallyVeryOverEverything · 05/12/2023 12:59

On an individual level I would think nothing at all.

On a societal level, I think it indicates that unbelievable impact that pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood, have on a woman in so many ways, and the fact that men sail through this phase of their lives almost completely unscathed.

Meh don't tend to lose their routines, their free time, the time they can dedicate to their own health. They don't stop their hobbies or spend years sleep-deprived and snacking to stay awake at their desk at 3pm. They don't stop finding the time for haircuts, they don't completely overhaul their lives requiring a change of wardrobe from 'office chic' to 'church hall floor on Tuesday at 9am.

Women's lives are utterly impacted and men's aren't.

That's what I think when I see a healthy family and a woman who clearly holds them all together while neglecting some of her own needs. Sometimes for decades.

I saw this when my friend had her baby, her husband still went for his daily run, he played squash twice a week, meditated every day and had his down time. I asked him about it an he was defensive saying how he could better support his wife if he was fit and well rested, I suggested he could better support her by giving up some of his "me time" to look after the baby so his wife could get a break, have a bath, exercise, whatever she wanted but he didn't like that one little bit.

Ionlylikedityesterday · 05/12/2023 14:39

Do you think all families eat/like exactly the same food and exercise together in the same amounts? What an odd assumption.

MargotBamborough · 05/12/2023 14:40

I would assume that the mum is so knackered and busy facilitating everyone else's hobbies that she has no time for her own hobbies or self care.

HamBone · 05/12/2023 14:41

usually the man is into cycling to get away from the family unit.

@DonnaYouAreAStar Yes, I’ve long suspected this with one of my friends’ husbands. He’s an ok bloke and seems to be an involved Dad, does his share of ferrying them to activities, but I do wonder why he had three children if he needs to get away from them so much?!

Original poster
ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 14:41

AmazingSnakeHead · 05/12/2023 14:33

But also there's massive assumptions surrounding self care. I don't care about being slim. If I felt pressure to maintain a given weight it would be an extra job for me, not self care. My self care is seeing friends down the pub, reading or watching TV. So even if I had the same amount of self care time as a gym and activity loving partner I would not be the same weight as him.

Yes, that's true. Self-care can take many different forms.

OP posts:
KvotheTheBloodless · 05/12/2023 14:43

SophieHope7 · 05/12/2023 12:54

Ooo tell us your thoughts OP!

I'd probably think she puts everyone else first and prioritises raising the family. She would probably love to have more time for herself

This!

TempyBrennan · 05/12/2023 14:43

Caffeinequeen91 · 05/12/2023 12:57

The mum is too busy facilitating the kids activities and the dad prioritises his own hobbies over family time

This is generally what I think because pretty much replicates our lifestyle.
(although it’s over me time, rather than family time!)

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 14:43

MumblesParty · 05/12/2023 14:20

I used to work with a man who was stick thin, not an ounce of fat on him, must have had a BMI of about 15. His wife was super-morbidly obese, the largest person I've ever seen in real life. She was a SAHM, and every day she would bring his plated-up lunch to work. It was basically a teeny tiny piece of chicken, a pile of lettuce, and an apple. It was all very strange - he clearly ate almost nothing and she must have eaten a lot. I found myself wondering how it worked when they sat down for meals together. I was young and couldn't help being curious about it! (many years later he went to prison for doing some very dubious stuff but that's a whole other story)

I have relatives like this, she’s very obese, he’s very thin, she always was, he always was, ie they got together like that. They did have kids, but with a lot of medical mangement as the doctors felt she was unlikely to conceive and carry a child due to her weight, fortunately they were successful in the end.

i recall growing up and being a bit curious about it, and of course i heard bitchy comments with young ears. Now as an adult id not think anything, they are both lovely and love each other very much.

i guess thats why id never assume anything if I see an overweight woman with a slim man, as said earlier, many women who are not parents are over weight, and many women who are parents are not. There is no assumption to be made there or judginess over their marriage and lifestyle.

Snowdogsmitten · 05/12/2023 14:47

I’d think, ‘mum probably doesn’t have time to exercise.’

Isometimeswonder · 05/12/2023 14:48

Here we go. It's the man's fault. Poor woman.
Nonsense.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 14:48

Also op. Your assumption is quite unpleasant, it’s that her marriage is bad, she has no time to herself, her husband is selfish, and that if she had time she’d be slimmer.

thats such bullshit. Plenty of women have all the time and resources and aren’t slim. She may have all the time in the world and still not be slim. Weight is a complex issue.

Katbum · 05/12/2023 14:48

I think 'none of my business'. Perhaps mum has physical conditions that make it hard to shift weight, exercise or cause excessive weight gain. I used to be a size 6 with no trying but since baby and a car accident have put on four stone and can't shift it. Pain when I try to exercise beyond simple walking/gentle stretching is extreme On my tiny frame the weight looks huge. I'm sure comments about my size are said behind my back by nosey people who don't know my struggles but meh. Life's not about how thin you are.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 05/12/2023 14:49

There is something to say about the fact the sleep or rather the lack of sleep impacts weight.
see people working shifts such as nurses but also mums always getting up during the night when men can happily sleep.

OvertiredandConfused · 05/12/2023 14:49

I might wonder if she was like me and had gained loads of weight due to loss of mobility and medication. Perhaps I'd also speculate that she hates seeing herself in the mirror because she doesn't recognise herself whilst worrying that people will notice and talk or judge.

Honeyroar · 05/12/2023 14:50

I’d think that the mother and father had totally different genes. That she put weight on much easier than him, and the kids took after him.

Everanewbie · 05/12/2023 14:51

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this is repetition.

Well a literal answer here is that the dad and kids have had a consistent balance between their calorie consumption and expenditure, while the mum has consumed more calories than she uses and this surplus has led to excess weight gain.

The underlying reasons are tough to know without knowing the family. Does she underestimate her consumption? Has she maintained a healthy weight until recently and suffered an illness/injury that prevents activity? Does unfair distribution of domestic chores provide less opportunity for her to expend calories? Has she experienced a slowing metabolism due to hormonal issues but her eating habits remained as before? Does she just have less discipline? Does she just worry about it less and prioritise her enjoyment of food?

beanontoast · 05/12/2023 14:53

I don't think anything really? Maybe the Mum isn't bothered about it and the Dad likes her how she is?

Original poster
ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 14:58

TempyBrennan · 05/12/2023 14:43

This is generally what I think because pretty much replicates our lifestyle.
(although it’s over me time, rather than family time!)

Show quote history

I think this happens depressingly often @TempyBrennan , though it's been interesting to read the other perspectives on this thread as well.

OP posts:
ThisIsntThe80sPat · 05/12/2023 14:58

This is me. If anyone is thinking anything horrible about me, then they're obviously just quite nasty people.

I put weight on as a kid, find it difficult to lose but I am trying and working on it. My husband is slim, lower end of his ideal weight and I am always making sure my boys are having a balanced diet as I'm hyper aware of not sending them down the same path as i did as a child.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 14:58

It’s just an appalling assumption, so judgey, oh her marriage must be a bit shit , selfish husband, and she’d be slim if she had time.

aghast anyone thinks that.

RandomUsernameHere · 05/12/2023 14:59

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 13:00

I am judgemental in some of these cases, but generally of the husband not the wife.

Would you be judgemental of a slim woman with an overweight husband?
It's an interesting thread. I wouldn't generally think anything of it if I saw a family as you describe. There are plenty of examples of families where the members are not of equivalent weight.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 05/12/2023 15:00

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 14:58

It’s just an appalling assumption, so judgey, oh her marriage must be a bit shit , selfish husband, and she’d be slim if she had time.

aghast anyone thinks that.

Agreed.

Horrifying people would think this