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Original poster

Mum is overweight but dad and kids aren't

398 replies

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 12:44

Just musing over this. What do you think when you come across a family where the mum is overweight but the dad and kids aren't?

The family in question are relatively well-off, the dad does several sports (cycling, training for various events) and the kids each do several out-of-school activities a week. The dad and kids are very fit and active. I know the mum used to do some hobbies/sports pre-DC.

Just curious to know whether other people tend to think the same thing that I do in this scenario.

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 05/12/2023 13:33

This is MN so of course nobody would notice or think anything about it.🙄If they did they would assume the mum has some medical issue.
Back in the real world given that 2/3 adults are overweight/obese and only at the most 10% have medical problems, I would assume they eat too much.

Thursa · 05/12/2023 13:35

I’ve always had weight problems thanks to PCOS. Then having two children close in age, and living in a foreign country where I knew nobody, I ended up on anti depressants. Then I really whacked the weight on!

Historybooks · 05/12/2023 13:35

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 05/12/2023 13:29

@packatape fwiw when people are stressed, a lot if them actually stop eating because they never feel hungry.

Have you seen many mothers who are stick thin because if the mental load? No? So why do you think that’s the reason why some mothers are overweight?
And why do yu automatically assume it’s about them over eating rather than other much more obvious causes such health?

Because if those women take the time and effort to cook healthy dinners to their kids, they 1- have the knowledge of what healthy eating might look like 2- make the effort already. So why do you think they wouldn’t apply that to themselves??

Yes I have seen mothers very thin and frantic looking. They might be thing because they're so busy. I've also been in this position myself. Do busy with work, kids etc and thinking soup and a chocolate bar is quicker.

I don't think all overweight mums are overweight due to the mental load but it is a thing plus mums are considered selfish if they look after themselves. I've heard double standards like look how strong he is (about the dad) and then 'why is she in the gym for hours again' about the mum. Dad goes on cycling holiday, mum has one night out at a bar.

Obviously not everyone - some people just struggle with diet, medicine, etc..

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Weight management
Smugandproud · 05/12/2023 13:35

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 05/12/2023 13:25

I dint know what you think but I can tell you why it’s like that in my family.
i have two extremely sporty children. A DH that has always done if lot of physical work/activity.
And I’m chronically ill which has completely messed up my metabolism.

What it is NOT about diet (mine is even healthier than the dcs or DH). It’s not even about ‘exercise’.

Other reasons it could happen include thyroid issues, hormone imbalances (PCOS fur example) etc….

That’s still the exception though. Statistically being overweight is due to eating too much.
However for you it must be very hard and unfortunately many people do judge larger people.
I am chronically ill and I have lost lots of weight ( was only 8st 12lbs to begin with) and could cry at the loss of muscle tone which makes my arms and legs look old and wrinkly. Being ill is hard for anybody.

Deathbyfluffy · 05/12/2023 13:35

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 05/12/2023 12:56

I would think that fatshaming is for the shallow and judgemental

Happens enough on here when the husband gains a few pounds, and everyone is chanting 'LTB' 😅

AInightingale · 05/12/2023 13:36

That the mum's depressed or in some way unhappy or at least extremely time-constrained is what I'd think, especially if she used to be fitter and do exercise.

I don't really know why you're getting flamed here, it's an interesting point and I think there are lot of families like this.

Friedfriedplantain · 05/12/2023 13:37

packatape it's really weird how invested you are in people's weight being due to greed and having no causative or mitigating factors. Saying over and over how you "love" it when people say their weight is due to their love of "snaffling" food. (I call it eating.) Why? Do you "love" seeing women fail? You certainly seem to see it as a failure.

Of course exhaustion, lack of time to eat properly, and stress lead to less controlled eating.

Curry does not make you overweight.

BestBadger · 05/12/2023 13:38

Honestly, I wouldn't give it any thought. Even with you bringing it up here, still nothing.

Okay, I'll give it a go...They are a Laurel and Hardy tribute act on the club circuit.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 05/12/2023 13:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

If you read my previous post, you will see that I cited a whole range of possible causes. The main point being that there could be any reason for obesity or weight gain, even something as obscure as DDT exposure. Which reinforces my point about not judging because there are so many complex factors at play in any individual’s hormonal, immunological, epigenetic or nutritional profile.

teenysaladandsniffofarose · 05/12/2023 13:39

Would you wonder the same if it was the Dad who was overweight?

Original poster
ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 13:40

AInightingale · 05/12/2023 13:36

That the mum's depressed or in some way unhappy or at least extremely time-constrained is what I'd think, especially if she used to be fitter and do exercise.

I don't really know why you're getting flamed here, it's an interesting point and I think there are lot of families like this.

I thought it was an interesting point, which was why I posted about it.

I've found the responses interesting.

Fwiw I doubt the mum in question would care about me noticing. She's commented on it herself when we've been chatting (as have other mums in a similar position) but her children and keeping on top of everything are her priorities.

None of us are judging each other.

OP posts:
ActDottie · 05/12/2023 13:42

I don’t really think anything…

Spinet · 05/12/2023 13:42

BestBadger · 05/12/2023 13:38

Honestly, I wouldn't give it any thought. Even with you bringing it up here, still nothing.

Okay, I'll give it a go...They are a Laurel and Hardy tribute act on the club circuit.

I always assume people think about Jack Spratt and his wife tbh. In our house we eat the EXACT OPPOSITE of the couple in the rhyme and yet I am the one with the massive arse! People assume I shovel sausages and flakes in my gob all day but I eat well-balanced veggie meals, don't drink, and get plenty of exercise. I could tell you the calorie content of any foodstuff you could whip out of the fridge, can estimate someone's dress size from 50 yards and I know my weight to the tenth of a kilo on any given day. It is all so so sooooo tiresome. Just let me get on with being alive fgs.

Violinist64 · 05/12/2023 13:43

This was me when my children were small and still is. I have two hormonal disorders that mean I put on weight very easily and find it very difficult to lose it. There are a myriad of reasons why someone can be overweight but it is no one else’s business. I hope you are able to see past this, OP, and see the person behind the weight.

mondaytosunday · 05/12/2023 13:43

I don't buy the 'harassed mum putting herself last'. Unless there's a medical issue, she's eating too much. End of. Sure it helps to exercise but that's an excuse - anyone can fit something in, even if running up and down the stairs ten times a couple times a day. But the battle of the bulge is in the kitchen.
But I don't judge anyone - I'm overweight with very slim kids. Because I eat too much. I could say because I'm a widow and have raised my kids with no family support and carry all the mental load blah blah, but nope, I love food, I love sweet things, I love savoury things, and I don't control myself enough.

ShinyPebble32 · 05/12/2023 13:44

This could be my family. My DH is slim because he has an active job, and comes from a family of fat shamers. My DS is slim because he’s 4. I have been overweight because for many years I had a high stress desk job, and comfort ate due to unresolved childhood trauma. Although that’s changed, the weight loss is moving at a slow and steady pace because I love good food and I’m not going to crash diet to keep judgmental people satisfied. I am happy. Is the mum you talk about happy, or have you not considered that - just her weight?

Iateallllllthepies · 05/12/2023 13:44

I was once 23 stone and a size 24. I ate shit. All day, everyday.

My husband and children didn’t. I cooked my family healthy and nutritious food from scratch and fed them no junk, which I also ate, but supplemented myself with vast quantities of greggs sausage rolls and cake while they were at school and in bed.

There was no mystery.

NotEvenThought · 05/12/2023 13:44

ChocolateHippo · 05/12/2023 13:00

I am judgemental in some of these cases, but generally of the husband not the wife.

That's a really weird take. I'm not the greatest fan of "men" but that's pushing it to assume it's the males fault. (Not saying it doesn't ever happen though)
It's also an unhelpful agenda to push as it paints women as weak and vulnerable and having no control over themselves.
Weight control is something that people who don't have health (mental or physical) issues that effect diet should be promoted as something that individuals can have complete control over.

crossTalkForum · 05/12/2023 13:45

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 05/12/2023 12:56

I would think that fatshaming is for the shallow and judgemental

Yep, this

Crumpleton · 05/12/2023 13:45

Could be many reasons...

I don't find it an odd question, sometimes people notice things and just mull it over in their head, no rhyme or reason just mulling.

Oblomov23 · 05/12/2023 13:46

Eh?
Why do you think? Take a wild guess. Hmm

I could do with losing a couple of stone. Both my boys are Uber fit and play loads of sports. So? I spend my free time on MN! Grin

Fatandnearly50 · 05/12/2023 13:46

Well, that is us. I'm short and fat and DH is tall and slim, as are the adult kids.

Made me feel pretty shit now knowing you're wondering about why I'm fat and not my family. Thanks for that.

Kdtym10 · 05/12/2023 13:46

My views are there are a number of factors at play potentially, could be anything along the lines of mental health, genetics, physical problems, not having time, medication. The mum facilitating everyone else’s sports and health at the expense of her own. Stress, poor gut biome, poor diet. Could be any one or combination plus a load of other things.

one thing I wouldn’t do is judge esp as I don’t know the answer. You could end up judging someone for being suicidally depressed, having ptsd or having a debilitating illness like cancer.

Sallyh87 · 05/12/2023 13:46

On maternity leave right now with my second DC (I am very overweight, though not obese). I think I’ve lost a bit of my vigour and don’t have time for self care and also go to food for comfort and energy.

Back to work in January and I can’t wait to just have some time to think.

My husband is not overweight.

In answer to your question, I don’t think I would think anything of one partner being overweight and the other not. Possibly, because if I had the time to do that I would spend it sleeping.

popandchoc · 05/12/2023 13:46

I am now overweight and my kids are perfectly normal size. They both eat quite well balanced diets and do quite a lot of sports between them.
I am a single parent that went through a tough time mentally, ended up on anti depressants and gained a lot of weight and struggling to lose it. I don't really have time to exercise much although do go swimming once a week and walk a fair amount.