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Original poster

Future sister in law won’t let me put the tree up till Sunday!!

506 replies

Yellink · 01/12/2023 14:23

I wanted to put my Christmas tree up either yesterday or today as it would have been the easiest days for me to put it up but on Wednesday my fiancé and I were at the pub talking about Christmas decorations and she told us we shouldn’t put up the Christmas tree until Advent Sunday because that’s the tradition and that’s how they do it in their family. I told her Thursday or Friday would be easier for me but she got shirty and told me if I’m marrying into the family I must stick to their Christmas traditions. I know how their family are with their traditions but I’m annoyed they’ve got a problem with me putting it up when I want to though. I didn’t put it up yesterday because I saw her walking past the house twice in the afternoon and evening to check I haven’t put it up!

I don’t know whether to put it up today or do it on Sunday even though I’m busy to avoid the confrontation with his family! I don’t want confrontation or an atmosphere at the Christmas party next Sunday!

OP posts:
SisterAgatha · 01/12/2023 15:23

My sister in law is like this. The whole family are. Their “traditions” are basically mind control and dictatorship so we don’t do many of them and never have.

Also, she’s marrying in to YOUR family so she wants to remember that.

SoupDragon · 01/12/2023 15:23

TBH, her comments would definitely make me put it up early, just to annoy her.

TellySavalashairbrush · 01/12/2023 15:23

Start as you mean to go on op- set your boundaries or else things will only get worse,. I talk from bitter experience!

Get that bloody tree up today!

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Angrycat2768 · 01/12/2023 15:24

SecondUsername4me · 01/12/2023 15:10

My fiancé isn’t bothered when it goes up but thinks we should wait till Sunday because of his mum and sister

God help you if you marry him and have kids with him. Sounds like he is one of those who defaults to Mum over wife.

This. He needs to be told that if he wants to marry you, then his mum and especially his sister's opinion do not count. The sister is testing how far she can push you. If you dont do it until Sunday, she will know you will put yourself to inconvenience to please her, and she will continue. Put it up and tell your fiance to tell his family to wind their neck in.

Vicliz24 · 01/12/2023 15:24

Won't let you ? This could literally be the rest of your life . You do your tree when it's good for you .

Vuurhoutjies · 01/12/2023 15:25

SisterAgatha · 01/12/2023 15:23

My sister in law is like this. The whole family are. Their “traditions” are basically mind control and dictatorship so we don’t do many of them and never have.

Also, she’s marrying in to YOUR family so she wants to remember that.

MIL once told me that I had to let her give DS his first bike - that I had chosen, purchased and was collecting on Christmas Eve - as apparently it's "tradition".

Hahahahaha.

MermaidEyes · 01/12/2023 15:25

My fiancé isn’t bothered when it goes up but thinks we should wait till Sunday because of his mum and sister.

Any man who puts the feelings of his mum and sister over his own girlfriend/wife is one to be very, very wary of.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 01/12/2023 15:26

Start as you mean to go on. If you appease her now, you are confirming g that she can boss you around whenever she feels like it.

In the long term, someone in this situation is going to be unhappy (since there are obvious tensions at this early stage). You do not need to be the u happy one, just make sure you are marrying aman who will stand up for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2023 15:27

@Yellink

I think you need to think very carefully about your future. Do you want to live the next 30/40/50 years toeing your SiL's and MiL's line? What's going to happen when/if you have children? Want to move away? Buy a home? Are you going to be happy kowtowing to them and your DH nodding approvingly when you do?

Do you want to be married to a man to whom you are NOT the first priority and who will not back you up to his family? Who is content to 'go along to get along'.

My MiL was a dream but I know for a fact that my DH would have backed me to the hilt against her if we had butted heads.

My SiL resented me because I wouldn't toe her line and wouldn't 'look up to her'. She also resented the fact that I came from a better socio-economic class than she did so she couldn't 'look down on me' the way she enjoyed looking down on our wonderful PiLs. When we were first married and she tried to 'instruct me' in the various ways I 'needed' to do things, my DH told her (not very politely) to do one. That's what you want in a husband/partner.

Jewelspun · 01/12/2023 15:27

You won't get far in life if you behave like a wet wipe.

If you allow her to dictate to you over a Christmas tree then you are inviting yourself to have a life of misery with this family as you will have signalled to them that you are a weak willed ninny who can be bullied and manipulated very easily.

You will become their puppet and will have to dance when they pull the strings.

Fine your backbone and put your tree up when it is convenient for you and any more ridiculous notions from your fiancés sister and or mother should be met by looking them in the eye and stating firmly, that you don't need telling what to do and can make your own decisions.

thedamnseason · 01/12/2023 15:28

I'd put it up in fucking September next year just to really spite the twat.

Pipsquiggle · 01/12/2023 15:28

FFS if you capitulate on this shit now, your married will be bloody miserable.

It's YOUR home. It's YOUR life. YOUR family also have traditions.

I would've gone home and put the decorations up immediately. Just because you are marrying your BF does not mean you take on all their family traditions. You form your own.

OhComeOnFFS · 01/12/2023 15:28

If she's like this over a Christmas tree, can you imagine what she'll be like over your hen party, your wedding, if you get pregnant, your birth plan, the birth, the christening, the nursery you choose, the school you choose, the food you give your children etc etc?

SisterAgatha · 01/12/2023 15:28

AliceOlive · 01/12/2023 15:17

This is a test. If you and your fiancé can't handle this, just imagine what it will be like if you have children.

Agreed. This is outing but one Xmas they asked me (disabled non driver with 3 kids) to visit them on Xmas day in Bedfordshire. DH doesn’t drive through his own choice. We said no not really feasible unless you can fit us in your car or let us stay over. No was the answer.

obvs no Ubers or trains. And it’s Xmas day so I’m not carting presents all that way.

they asked my mum to do a 100 mile round journey to drop us off. She has a partner so has his family to see too. She is also disabled. They were massively pissed off with us for being uncooperative.

that’s when I realised you cannot win with people who want you to lose.

DeadButDelicious · 01/12/2023 15:29

You give into this and they will make your life an absolute misery. They'll think they can dictate to you about everything, your wedding, your kids, your home, everything.

Honestly, is he worth it? Will he back you up? Are you a team? Because if you aren't his first priority now, you never will be.

sixteenfurryfeet · 01/12/2023 15:30

Unless the family you are marrying into has a tradition of spending Christmas at Sandringham, you can do whatever you damn well please.

Blaster22 · 01/12/2023 15:30

You should not marry into this family. Run!

TheAlchemistElixa · 01/12/2023 15:30

Struggling to believe this is true. But if it is, I’m not sure that you and your husband are mature enough to be getting married.

thedamnseason · 01/12/2023 15:30

Serious answer though, this is beyond pointless and petty but is a sign of what's ahead.
His family think they have the right to control what happens in your home.
My advice is stamp it out now or get out.

Not because of the tree but because of every future decision involving you, your relationship and any kids in the future.

Witchyandtwitchy · 01/12/2023 15:30

Sod that! I’d put it up just to piss her off!

RB68 · 01/12/2023 15:30

who is marrying into whose family..... its always a compromise surely

SisterAgatha · 01/12/2023 15:31

I believe it’s true, my children are related to people like this.

Delatron · 01/12/2023 15:31

How will she even know? This is ridiculous! You must see that. I wouldn’t be having any of her nonsense (or the MIL). You are allowing her to tell you what to do. Why?

Shut this down right now. Get the tree up and avoid any discussion about it. Your fiancé is a massive worry though if he panders to this nonsense.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 01/12/2023 15:31

Lol.
The answer is "I'm not marrying into your family. My and your brother are our own family unit"

Beamur · 01/12/2023 15:31

I'd put up the tree when it suited me. End of.
If questioned/criticised I would say I didn't seriously think you (SIL) would expect to have a say in when I put my own tree up.
Plus sort out this kind of thing with your DP before you have kids. Pettiness over Christmas trees with your in-laws will seem like a blessing once you bring children into the mix.

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