Future sister in law won’t let me put the tree up till Sunday!!

[Yellink]

I wanted to put my Christmas tree up either yesterday or today as it would have been the easiest days for me to put it up but on Wednesday my fiancé and I were at the pub talking about Christmas decorations and she told us we shouldn’t put up the Christmas tree until Advent Sunday because that’s the tradition and that’s how they do it in their family. I told her Thursday or Friday would be easier for me but she got shirty and told me if I’m marrying into the family I must stick to their Christmas traditions. I know how their family are with their traditions but I’m annoyed they’ve got a problem with me putting it up when I want to though. I didn’t put it up yesterday because I saw her walking past the house twice in the afternoon and evening to check I haven’t put it up!

I don’t know whether to put it up today or do it on Sunday even though I’m busy to avoid the confrontation with his family! I don’t want confrontation or an atmosphere at the Christmas party next Sunday!

THIS

So your fiancé is keen to keep them happy, even with total nonsense like this? I think the tree is the least of your worries - are you sure he’s going to support you in the many situations coming up where his bossy sister and mother want to dictate?

You may consider asking your ILs for a full list of their DOs and DON'Ts - letting them know you will need to study it before you finally decide about marriage into their family. Well, I hope a grand country house goes with all their traditions - ask them about that - traditions and country piles - you know!.

Thin edge of the wedge… do you want a marriage that is ruled by his family? Do you want a husband who doesn’t back you and put you first?
I lived in a family like this and I divorced my exh because of it…

LOL. Imagine being the SIL and thinking it was normal to dictate when others should and shouldn’t do things? Bonkers. By the way, doesn’t advent begin today?? We’re getting our tree tonight and decorating tomorrow.

You know the answer to this but you 💯 put then up.
You are marrying him. Marrying into his family is so old fashioned and misogynistic.
And she’s got some kind of weird sibling control thing going on. Stop sweating the small stuff and life your life as you please. Don’t need to fall out just own your own decisions and they can own theirs. Amicably agree to disagree

I thought it was supposed to be a union when you join families, not a dictatorship?

Joining a family doesn’t mean you change everything to fit them, it’s a partnership and they aren’t seeing you as an equal player.

I hope you are strong willed and of solid backbone if you intend to have children with this man, or you will find you have no say over their upbringing because ‘tradition’.

Stop being " nice " and " amenable" to what she and others want. The shirty behaviour is to manipulate you and make you compliant. Hopefully your fiance takes your viewpoint as you will be starting out married life together ....if he leans the othe way, minimises it or acts indifferent you may have bother in the future. Start as you mean to go on.

Unless you're putting it up in her house, do as you please. She doesn't get to dictate what others do because of her traditions.

Ignore and if any comment comes your way simply say its my house I did it when I was free.

I mean my family tradition was to put one up on Christmas eve.....I thought this was a thing til early 20s and found out my parents did it then because the trees were incredibly cheap!

No don’t say that at all!! That’s playing into some weird fucking universe where someone’s in law has a say when they put their tree up.

If she says anything say I’ll put my tree up when I want. Where’s your fiancé in all this?

This cannot be serious. It’s your house so you do what you want. I think it’s too early but your house, your call.

Maybe you can find your husband’s spine when you look for the decorations.

Advent Sunday is the coming Sunday, 3rd December. Personally I think that is too early, more than three weeks until Christmas (unless you are having a pre-Christmas gathering) There are no hard and fast rules as far as I know, it's up to you. though it is traditional to do it on the first Sunday of Advent. However such traditions are not etched in tablets of stone. I never did that and knew nobody who did, the week before Christmas seemed appropriate to me.

Your sister in law shouldn't have commented, not her business.

Tell her to do one! It’s your tree - put it up whenever you want and then put a picture of it on social media.

Do what you want and continue to. People like this push boundaries to test what they can get away with. Before you know it she will be telling you who you can and cannot see.

I am half joking. My best friend has a SIL like this and I started with stuff like this and now she throws a strop if my friend sees a mutual friend without her.

Does you DP care about this? If yes then figure out with him when works best to put your tree up.

if he doesn’t care, but thinks you should do what his family for a quiet life, then stand your ground and ask for his wholehearted support in having your back, and actively telling his family to button it when the snide comments begin…

If he can’t do that then don’t marry him, unless you want to deal with a lifetime of doing what his family want or dealing with their shitty comments on your own!

(Also use Christmas as a fact finding mission as to what ‘traditions’ they have around other holidays/life events eg having babies… there are plenty of threads on here written by women whose partners regularly hang them out to dry on issues like this because “mum always does x or y” and it’s easier to let their partner get it in the neck than be a grown up and offer their active support. See this as a great opportunity to check if you’re planning to marry a man child or not…)

Your home
Your tree
Put it up whenever you wish !
Nobody else's business

You put that tree up right now and set your boundaries or this will be your life. Trust me, I have wasted too many years of my life in a state of anxiety because of people like your SIL. People like this can sense anxiety and will take advantage of non-confrontational people. This is why your fiance has learned to do as he is told to avoid upsetting his sister and mum, soon this will be you.

The fact that she thinks it is normal to walk past your window and check is nuts but in time you will begin to think that this stuff is normal. It isn't.

Put your tree up, your fiancé will get stressed out but this will be short term because he is not used to saying no. It will be the best thing you ever do because you can then look at the fall out and how your relationship copes and then assess whether that is what you want for the rest of your life. By the New Year, you will know whether you and your fiancé will survive his family dynamics.

I wish somebody had told me a long time ago that setting your boundaries is not confrontation. Assertiveness feels like aggression when you are a people pleaser but it isn’t.

@Yellink - it would be lovely if you could post a photo of your beautiful Christmas tree🎄

I'd put it up. If she walked past again I'd make sure to look her straight in the eye while hanging a bauble I'd be sure she hated.
What a weirdo thinking she can dictate that.

Stop being so feeble and put your tree up. Honestly, if you don’t nip this kind of behaviour in the bud, your life will be miserable. Your DH needs sorting out too.

Totally this.

I’m not one for outside decorations but I think I’d decorate the outside of my house just for shits and giggles. 😎

wont let you?
awww thats a shame.(i know where id wanna put the tree.) Start,as you mean to go on. Get one of them super annoyin motion censored singy xmas out door decors (preferably "deck the halls n not your family...fa la la la,lah...feck rite off")if her walk by is annoying you. Also when send her xmas card remember the flodline goes bottomof envelope,then you can empty half tube litter which will spread a little light n serve as a wee reminder you dont live to please her.ho ho ho

Ask her if she’s giving you cash or paying Direct Debit. And when she looks confused say “ oh I thought as you believed your opinions riled my house too, you are also going to start paying my bills.. Now off you fuck”

Omg please put ur foot down now and get ur fiancé to do the same. I don’t like confrontation either and often found I let stuff go so that I didn't upset my DH or make him feel awkward. He knows how bad his family can be and tbh doesn’t like them much at all. He has a very strange relationship with his parents and can’t seem to stand up to them it’s actually really sad.

Im now 15 years married and still have to put up with these arseholes. I can say hand on heart it is the only cause of arguments in our life. Don’t put yourself through the same.
I honestly thought about calling off the wedding because of them and sometimes I still wish I did. No matter how much I love my DH and no matter how loved I feel by him the anxiety his family cause me is unbelievable. I should have set the bar back then and not let them dictate our lives so please don’t be me.

Most importantly get ur tree up and enjoy it!