Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Future sister in law won’t let me put the tree up till Sunday!!

506 replies

Yellink · 01/12/2023 14:23

I wanted to put my Christmas tree up either yesterday or today as it would have been the easiest days for me to put it up but on Wednesday my fiancé and I were at the pub talking about Christmas decorations and she told us we shouldn’t put up the Christmas tree until Advent Sunday because that’s the tradition and that’s how they do it in their family. I told her Thursday or Friday would be easier for me but she got shirty and told me if I’m marrying into the family I must stick to their Christmas traditions. I know how their family are with their traditions but I’m annoyed they’ve got a problem with me putting it up when I want to though. I didn’t put it up yesterday because I saw her walking past the house twice in the afternoon and evening to check I haven’t put it up!

I don’t know whether to put it up today or do it on Sunday even though I’m busy to avoid the confrontation with his family! I don’t want confrontation or an atmosphere at the Christmas party next Sunday!

OP posts:
HardcoreLadyType · 01/12/2023 18:08

devildeepbluesea · 01/12/2023 14:25

Clearly the answer to this is: do what the fuck you like!

This!

I never put up my tree this early - I prefer to wait until later in the month, because we have a real tree, and we leave it up until Epiphany.

But I would never tell anyone else what they could and couldn’t do in their own house!

If you put it up and she has a go, just say smile, pour her a drink, and say “merry Christmas!”

IWIllDoItNowInAMinute · 01/12/2023 18:08

I’m not confrontational either, but I would have put it up wearing a Christmas jumper and waved to her as she walked past and saw it!
His family sound unhinged and controlling. If you follow their silly rules over this minor thing, then prepare to be controlled about everything for the rest of your life. Nip it in the bud now.

inflatablefurniture · 01/12/2023 18:12

Yellink · 01/12/2023 15:40

It’s a weird feeling because I know I’m not doing anything wrong by putting it up but I’m still getting anxiety in case she sees it is either tonight or tomorrow.

This is emotional manipulation. She is using her reactions to try and control your behaviour. You know you're doing nothing wrong, yet you're modifying your behaviour purely because you're scared of how she'll react.

Also, is this some cultural norm that the wife adopts the husband's culture?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
5YearsLeft · 01/12/2023 18:15

KateLawsonDidIt · 01/12/2023 14:28

Maybe it's a reverse

I think reverses only work if you’re the other person in the situation posting (ex. “I am doing all kinds of terrible things to C. AIBU?” “Reveal! I am C!”). So… who would be posting here? The asshole SIL? The tree???

”Sorry for the reverse. I’m actually the tree in this situation and I just can’t believe my household is bowing down to SIL over this. What about MY feelings?”

Taurusandvirgo · 01/12/2023 18:17

If you're not being dramatic OP and SIL is really walking past your house for the sole purposes of seeing if you've done as she dictated, that's stalking, creepy AF and the behaviour of a mentally disturbed person with zero respect for others boundaries.

What does it say about your fiance's character that he's fine with it?

momtoboys · 01/12/2023 18:17

Oldraver · 01/12/2023 14:26

If you want to do then do

If you allow her to dictate 'traditions' it won't ever end

This is spot on.

hettie · 01/12/2023 18:18

If this is true it's amongst the most batshit things I've ever read on Mumsnet. I'm mean really?!
But it does indicate some pretty serious issues. Your self esteem and boundaries need a bit of a boost if you are even contemplating entertaining this request. You've also potentially got a huge fiance/ DH to be problem as it sounds like he'll always default to his mum and sisters wishes over yours. That's going to be a living hell, your life and your kids lives (if you have them) and your relationship with your kids will be dictated by them. Get some couples counseling to work this through or consider whether you want to marry into this circus.

sixteenfurryfeet · 01/12/2023 18:23

Yellink · 01/12/2023 15:40

It’s a weird feeling because I know I’m not doing anything wrong by putting it up but I’m still getting anxiety in case she sees it is either tonight or tomorrow.

Look at it this way - in a while she might start telling you what date your hen do has to be in order to fit in with her plans; what colour bridesmaids dresses you can or cannot have; that you have to turn up to specific restaurants at specific times to celebrate their family events whether you want to go or not; which names you are not allowed to use for your baby... the list goes on.

You need to assert yourself and let her know that you aren't going to be a complete pushover of a doormat, and if your DP won't have your back and tell his sister to butt out, then perhaps he's not the man you thought he was.

wjpa · 01/12/2023 18:25

WTAF

I mean I bloody hate christmas and christmas trees but you can put it up whenever you like

You should put it up now - to show that you will do as you wish in your own home - so that she does not try to enforce her idiotic opinions on you in future

inflatablefurniture · 01/12/2023 18:27

On the topic of traditions... I'm assuming they're at least culturally Christian if they're putting up a Christmas tree and so keen for it to be on the right day of Advent. Another Christian tradition is that "a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife". That is, once you're married he must break away from his family and hold fast to you, forming a brand new family. His priority must be you, not his parents or his siblings. If they don't know this basic basic tradition, ask the vicar or registrar who's marrying you to have a word with them!

Collie86 · 01/12/2023 18:28

she's stalking your home to see if a Christmas tree is up??? wtf.. that is not on at all. Tell your husband to have a word with her. It's your life!!

elfies · 01/12/2023 18:29

Agree with your other half , when you both want to do it and let him tell his family ,you're sorry but this is your new tradition of your own

OhGoOnThenIfYouInsist · 01/12/2023 18:30

I'd put it up asap
And also put fairy lights in the window spelling 'Fuck Off (her name)'

Borangejuice · 01/12/2023 18:30

won't let me (directly quoted from the thread title)

What's the matter with you?

You are a fully grown adult. She doesn't get to "let" you do anything.

It's none of her business.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life only doing what she "lets" you?

inflatablefurniture · 01/12/2023 18:30

You're not marrying into a family. You're forming a new family.

Lilibert456 · 01/12/2023 18:32

You are starting your own traditions and one of those traditions is that you put your Christmas tree up whenever you want. You must nip this in the bud or it will escalate.

wjpa · 01/12/2023 18:33

If either of the bitches get stupid about you not conforming to their traditions, just say - "I have traditions as well - but regardless, I'm confused as to why my tree bothers you"

Or you could say, well in my family our tradition is to only put silver baubles and white lights on the tree. Please could you not put any coloured ornaments or coloured tinsel or lights up on your trees as I will feel that my family traditions are being disrespected.

You either stand up to these morons now or face decades of their shite.

BorgQueen · 01/12/2023 18:36

Our family tradition is that the tree goes up on the weekend closest to the 10th, DH’s birthday.
DD now has her own house/family and they put theirs up last weekend, do I care?
No because I’m not a fucking controlling weirdo.

Cumulonimbusincus · 01/12/2023 18:36

Hahahaha good luck! Assert yourself now or forever hold your peace 🤪 I married into this kind of family. We don’t see them any more…

Angrycat2768 · 01/12/2023 18:38

I bet they couldn't care less when you put the tree up. They just want to see what they can make you do. They are on a power trip.

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 01/12/2023 18:41

Really? Grow up. Put your tree up whenever you want to for Christ’s sake.

Nicole1111 · 01/12/2023 18:41

Do it. Better to set a precedent now that you won’t be dancing to their tune

kweeble · 01/12/2023 18:41

Do what you want to do now - otherwise this will get worse. I’d see less of them and do an assertiveness course.

cherrylemonapple · 01/12/2023 18:46

honestly what?? why would you care what your sil thinks just put it up

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/12/2023 18:49

Your house your traditions. Yes you are part of their family, but you’re also part of your family and you and your DH are a family and can work through what’s best for you as a couple