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Original poster

Future sister in law won’t let me put the tree up till Sunday!!

506 replies

Yellink · 01/12/2023 14:23

I wanted to put my Christmas tree up either yesterday or today as it would have been the easiest days for me to put it up but on Wednesday my fiancé and I were at the pub talking about Christmas decorations and she told us we shouldn’t put up the Christmas tree until Advent Sunday because that’s the tradition and that’s how they do it in their family. I told her Thursday or Friday would be easier for me but she got shirty and told me if I’m marrying into the family I must stick to their Christmas traditions. I know how their family are with their traditions but I’m annoyed they’ve got a problem with me putting it up when I want to though. I didn’t put it up yesterday because I saw her walking past the house twice in the afternoon and evening to check I haven’t put it up!

I don’t know whether to put it up today or do it on Sunday even though I’m busy to avoid the confrontation with his family! I don’t want confrontation or an atmosphere at the Christmas party next Sunday!

OP posts:
Oldtigernidster · 01/12/2023 17:49

That would have made me put it up immediately! Go for it!

Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/12/2023 17:50

Yellink · 01/12/2023 14:23

I wanted to put my Christmas tree up either yesterday or today as it would have been the easiest days for me to put it up but on Wednesday my fiancé and I were at the pub talking about Christmas decorations and she told us we shouldn’t put up the Christmas tree until Advent Sunday because that’s the tradition and that’s how they do it in their family. I told her Thursday or Friday would be easier for me but she got shirty and told me if I’m marrying into the family I must stick to their Christmas traditions. I know how their family are with their traditions but I’m annoyed they’ve got a problem with me putting it up when I want to though. I didn’t put it up yesterday because I saw her walking past the house twice in the afternoon and evening to check I haven’t put it up!

I don’t know whether to put it up today or do it on Sunday even though I’m busy to avoid the confrontation with his family! I don’t want confrontation or an atmosphere at the Christmas party next Sunday!

Hahaha this is hilarious. They really need to start selling back bones in Tesco 😂.

She told you not to and you didn't because she was walking past your house and looking in through the window 😂.

If you're marrying into this family then you need to set the boundaries now if not she will walk over you anytime she wants.

Pelham678 · 01/12/2023 17:50

Anxiety gets worse if you give into OP. The only way of reducing your anxiety over time is to face your fears. If she makes a dig, have some prepared responses:

We do x in this family - oh well in my family we let each other decide for themselves, lucky we're all different.

You don't seem to want to be part of our family - I love spending time with you all but it doesn't mean I copy everything you do.

I understand you guys do things differently but I have to do what works best with my own free time.

If fiance isn't backing you, does he intend to put up all the decs on Sunday when you're busy? I'm guessing not.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/12/2023 17:51

Yellink · 01/12/2023 14:53

@Strugglingtodomybest I know what she’s like. She’ll make digs about it saying I’m not interested in being part of the family and his mum will condescendingly but “politely” tell me what we do I’m this family and then slag me off afterwards.

@piperpheobepruepaige No

Maybe you shouldn't marry into this family?

padsi1975 · 01/12/2023 17:53

Yellink · 01/12/2023 14:53

@Strugglingtodomybest I know what she’s like. She’ll make digs about it saying I’m not interested in being part of the family and his mum will condescendingly but “politely” tell me what we do I’m this family and then slag me off afterwards.

@piperpheobepruepaige No

You've got to nip that in the bud too or you will be bullied forever more. If she says something so silly, respond 'stop it! The two aren't remotely related'! in an incredulous tone. If she persists, just say 'I sm not having this conversation because it is ridiculous'. Don't engage, you can't win with bullies. You really need to set and hold your boundaries, these people sound way too controlling.

Thegoodbadandugly · 01/12/2023 17:54

How ridiculous! You need to start putting your foot down now or run like heck!

Moominy · 01/12/2023 17:56

You do not owe anyone any explanation for anything you want to do. It's your house & your life. If she asks why you've done it "early", all that you need to say is 'I wanted to' and that's where the discussion should end.

If something as tiny as that would create drama then brace yourself for more batshit craziness coming your way unfortunately. This is why you just need to nip it in the bud now, as others have said.

Enjoy starting your own traditions with your fiance :-)

NancyPickford · 01/12/2023 17:56

Erm, he's marrying into YOUR family, so do whatever you usually do with your OWN tree. If you give in to her on this, you'll have a life of similar shite thrown at you under the guise of 'family'.

Moominy · 01/12/2023 17:58

And to add to my comment, what about your side of the family? Do they not get a mention from them?

Can't believe how self centered people can be!

CyberCritical · 01/12/2023 18:00

If you adhere to their edict on this then you will be fucked for the rest of your relationship. Put the tree up whenever you want to and if they say anything just tell them that it was more convenient for you to do it today. Do not be drawn into conversation, if they say you've upset them say that you're sorry they feel that way, do not actually apologise for making your own decisions.

Taurusandvirgo · 01/12/2023 18:00

Her argument is utter bullshit because by that reckoning you could equally say your fiancé is marrying into your family so everything should be done how your family does it?...or you know, you could compromise/find your own ways between you like most sensible people do.

Perhaps SIL is a massive misogynist and thinks your family's ways don't matter because you're a woman, so everything should be done the man's way?

Ignoring the fact she's bat shit crazy and I'd have told her so, what did your fiancé say/do when she behaved in this manner towards you? That would be a deal breaker for me if he didn't stick up for you and tell his sister to STFU.

You don't want a future of being expected to kowtow to his family's opinions and him standing by whilst they bully you or worse, joining in with the bullying himself. You don't want either an abuser or an enabler (of their abuse) for a husband.

You think it's bad now, it'll be a whole lot worse when you've got a child and they've got opinions on absolutely everything. Of course you can stand firm and remain in control if your own life, but do you want to be constantly battling to do so? Much easier to marry someone who doesn't allow his family to treat you like shit, try to rule your life and expect you to put up with it.

SerafinasGoose · 01/12/2023 18:00

Won't 'let' you?

Don't be daft.

Onestepbeyonnd · 01/12/2023 18:01

You tell her you have longstanding traditions in your family too, main one being that you do what you want under your own roof.
Another is, that you don't push your beliefs or traditions on others.

MsRosley · 01/12/2023 18:02

Yeah, I'm calling BS on this one.

Barefootinthecarpark · 01/12/2023 18:02

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

No good can come from this.

Posted with my very best wishes. I’m not joking, nor am I being flippant or unkind.

Take care

BeigeChair · 01/12/2023 18:04

What about your family traditions that your husband is marrying into?
Well done for putting it up tonight

NonPlayerCharacter · 01/12/2023 18:04

MsRosley · 01/12/2023 18:02

Yeah, I'm calling BS on this one.

Yeah, I think you're right.

godmum56 · 01/12/2023 18:04

Barefootinthecarpark · 01/12/2023 18:02

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

No good can come from this.

Posted with my very best wishes. I’m not joking, nor am I being flippant or unkind.

Take care

yup, straws in the wind and all that

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 01/12/2023 18:05

No way would my future SIL, MIL or any of my future inlaws dictate want I do.

You will be dealing with this continually over your married life. Before you get married then need to understand that you don't take instructions from them and your future husband needs to be in agreement on this now.

They'll be calling the shots of future baby names and how you raise your children etc. If would can't squash it now and have your OH onside, don't marry into crazy and domineering.

Over40Overdating · 01/12/2023 18:05

In your shoes @Yellink I’d currently be up a ladder hanging enough lights and decorations outside the house, SIL would see the glow without needing to leave her house.

Start as you mean to go on with these people - they are joining your family as much as you are joining theirs and you need to draw boundaries to show you will do what suits you, not them, in all things.

godmum56 · 01/12/2023 18:05

SecondUsername4me · 01/12/2023 17:25

I'd love to have the balls to do something batshit like sit with a tit out when she comes round and just say "what? This is a family tradition, one tit out at teatime please"

best post ever

inflatablefurniture · 01/12/2023 18:05

Unless you live in her house, it's none of her business.

WhateverMate · 01/12/2023 18:06

I didn’t put it up yesterday because I saw her walking past the house twice in the afternoon and evening to check I haven’t put it up!

Oh behave yourself 🙄🙄

That's too ridiculous even for Mumsnet.

Anisette · 01/12/2023 18:07

Christmas trees have got zero to do with Christianity, they were brought in by Prince Albert in the 19th Century. Therefore there is no particular religious significance in waiting till the first Sunday in Advent. That is simply an arbitrary tradition which your husband's family put into operation, but it doesn't make it sacrosanct, and you are 100% entitled to start your own tradition.

You could always torture her by keeping the curtains closed, of course, so that she can't see in.

Taurusandvirgo · 01/12/2023 18:07

Yellink · 01/12/2023 14:33

I’m not a confrontational person so I would struggle to deal with the awkwardness if she or his mum makes a snide comment. I’m so tempted to just put it up, all the boxes are downstairs. My fiancé isn’t bothered when it goes up but thinks we should wait till Sunday because of his mum and sister.

Answer me this, OP -

Do you consider your fiancé to be your #1 person in your life?

How do you feel about being his #3 person? Because that's what he's just told you you are. You rank lower than his mum and sister, to him.