Future sister in law won’t let me put the tree up till Sunday!!

[Yellink]

I wanted to put my Christmas tree up either yesterday or today as it would have been the easiest days for me to put it up but on Wednesday my fiancé and I were at the pub talking about Christmas decorations and she told us we shouldn’t put up the Christmas tree until Advent Sunday because that’s the tradition and that’s how they do it in their family. I told her Thursday or Friday would be easier for me but she got shirty and told me if I’m marrying into the family I must stick to their Christmas traditions. I know how their family are with their traditions but I’m annoyed they’ve got a problem with me putting it up when I want to though. I didn’t put it up yesterday because I saw her walking past the house twice in the afternoon and evening to check I haven’t put it up!

I don’t know whether to put it up today or do it on Sunday even though I’m busy to avoid the confrontation with his family! I don’t want confrontation or an atmosphere at the Christmas party next Sunday!

It is December 1st, so OK in my view. Anyway it is your house and it is not as if you were wanting to put it up before Halloween.

And think about whether someone who is a doormat or in thrall to his sister is right for you.

Put the tree up, I'd go a whole staircase further and have bells, whistles, lights and the biggest tackiest garden ornaments you can find to illuminate the outside of your house so they can see it from theirs, save them a nosey trip. Honestly, start as you mean to go on or you will spend your married life being dictated to...and it won't stop at Christmas decorations. Claim your autonomy to do whatever you like in your own bloody home/life!

Yep. It needs to be visible from space. And definitely where SIL can see it walking past.

My fiancé isn’t bothered when it goes up but thinks we should wait till Sunday because of his mum and sister.

Well this is your problem right here. He doesn't really consider himself to be a person in his own right, or you as a couple to be a household in your own right. instead, he has assumed you will be joining him in The Family where the Rules must be Obeyed.

You better make sure you actually have he same understanding about what a marriage, coupledom, and a household mean.

In particular, whose Word will he Obey if you go on to have children and Mil and Sil tell you you are doing it "wrong".

@Yellink

I agree with PP's suggesting you get counseling to work on your anxiety and become more assertive. And to help you determine whether or not this marriage is a good idea.

But for now, remember 'JADE'. Never Justify Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain your actions to people who think they have the right to boss you around.

I wanted you to put it up yesterday op. Did you not? Tut!

Or do whatever the fuck you want to with your tree.

For goodness sake you're getting married not joining a cult.

So, I’m with your SIL in that we always put our tree up on the first Sunday in December but that’s my choice.

In your case, I’d be putting my tree up right now and popping a reminder in my calendar for mid November next year. Two fingers up to anyone that dared to tell me it’s wrong.

This.

This would have made me want to go home and put it up right away and then go out and buy the most ridiculous amount of lights and throw them up too. And then post over all social media platforms bragging about how pretty and Christmas ready my house was.

Unless you live in her house she can fuck off.

I cannot imagine the brass neck of someone giving orders about somebody else’s Christmas tree, and the sheer doormattery of anyone following orders.

If they start make snide comments about family traditions, tell them you’re following your own family traditions of putting the tree up when it’s convenient.

Your fiancé needs to start having your back, because this is batshit.

She's wrong - you now start your own traditions as a new family (of course part of a bigger family, but just as much yours as his)!

When do they take theirs down? Because I'd be sure to leave mine up for at least a week later or more.

Your home to decorate as you please, when you please.

I'd love to have the balls to do something batshit like sit with a tit out when she comes round and just say "what? This is a family tradition, one tit out at teatime please"

Don't be so wet, you dont need to justify anything to her

Put the tree up or give me your address I’ll come round and put the fucking tree up. Cheeky bitch.

WTF? I have no idea when my brother, sister, in laws etc. put up their tree. Everyone has their own traditions in their own houses. We put up ours on a different day every year anyway - whatever day is most convenient!

Take a pic and WhatsApp them all with 🤣 Show you won’t be a pushover!

Do NOT marry him. It won’t end well.

😂😂😂

Put it up and post a pic on on social media with a glass of wine! No fu@£s given 🎄🥂

Your fiancé needs to have a word with his sister and mum now. Something along the lines of :

“OP and I are starting our own family and will be establishing our own traditions based on what is important to us. While we have enjoyed our families’ traditions while growing up, we have to choose what works best for us. I understand that it may be disappointing to you if we decide to do some things differently. I will not tolerate any negativity towards OP over these decisions.”

While on the surface this is a relatively minor thing, it shows a lot of red flags in his family. Do they expect you to conform to everything they do? What about your family’s traditions and values? What about things you want to do? Does this extend beyond holidays to how you raise your children?

Your fiancé might not see it as a big deal and be reluctant to say anything, but him nipping this in the bud is what can keep it from becoming a big deal. He needs to show his family in no uncertain terms that he has chosen to build a life with you and he won’t tolerate mistreatment of you.

My family’s tradition at Christmas was to have the big meal for everyone at noon on Christmas Day. We would all be dressed up in our new Christmas outfits, ladies in dresses and heels, men wearing ties. My grandmother would stay up all night preparing everything. When Grandma could no longer do all the cooking, my mom, aunts and I took over. We prepared some stuff in advance, but the meal was still at noon on Christmas Day and fairly formal. When I had children, this longer worked for me. I have my Christmas Dinner around 6pm Christmas Eve. The kids wear their Christmas outfits, but they aren’t as fancy/dressy as I grew up with. The men don’t wear ties. We spend all of Christmas Day in our own home, in our matching Christmas pajamas. We eat leftovers and spend the day playing with our children and watching Christmas movies. Some of my family has chosen to continue to have a formal meal on Christmas Day. Some have followed our more relaxed traditions and have started having a pajama day at home. No one is right and no one is wrong.

Your BF is marrying I to your family and your tradition is do it when it suits you! Ask her if she’s prepared to change her tradition to suit you?

The main questions I have are why are you so scared of your in laws and why doesn't your dp stick up for you?

Put the tree up and WhatsApp them all a cheerful photo

If this tiny minor thing is giving you anxiety and your fiance isn't supporting you 100% then should you be marrying him? I know this is a teeny weeny thing but straws show which way the wind is blowing