Future sister in law won’t let me put the tree up till Sunday!!

[Yellink]

I wanted to put my Christmas tree up either yesterday or today as it would have been the easiest days for me to put it up but on Wednesday my fiancé and I were at the pub talking about Christmas decorations and she told us we shouldn’t put up the Christmas tree until Advent Sunday because that’s the tradition and that’s how they do it in their family. I told her Thursday or Friday would be easier for me but she got shirty and told me if I’m marrying into the family I must stick to their Christmas traditions. I know how their family are with their traditions but I’m annoyed they’ve got a problem with me putting it up when I want to though. I didn’t put it up yesterday because I saw her walking past the house twice in the afternoon and evening to check I haven’t put it up!

I don’t know whether to put it up today or do it on Sunday even though I’m busy to avoid the confrontation with his family! I don’t want confrontation or an atmosphere at the Christmas party next Sunday!

Time to put on your big girl pants and stop being a wet willy OP, just do it. It’s your house, tell her to have a word with herself if she mentions it.

Next year I would put it up in October

You've got a future husband problem.

Good luck OP

"If she says anything, just say "It's because that's when I wanted to put it up". Full stop, no more explanation required."

Yep, exactly that. Don't forget he is also marrying into your family, and you can do whatever the hell you like.

You have to put your peg in the floor now and set your boundaries or you will be doing what they want for the rest of your life. Put your tree up when you want and refuse to discuss it, if there's an atmosphere then so be it, they'll get over it or they won't who cares, live your life not theirs. And move away, far far away, that's my best advice actually 💐

Put it up, keep curtains closed til Sunday. It’ll piss her off if she drives past. If they ever ask, pretend you were watching a movie and forgot to open them again!!!

It's your house, and your tree. Lady Catherine will never know! (Pride and Prejudice)

Huge red flags all over this I'm afraid!

Imagine having children within a family like that...

Tread very carefully.

NO!! Do NOT make any excuses. You don't have to justify yourself to her or to anyone.

If she says anything you either shrug and say nothing or you say "I wanted to". Or you could always say "MY family tradition is to put it up on 1 Dec. Since DH is marrying into my family I decided to do it our way".

Or rather I’d make sure that
1- you insist that he is marrying into your family too and that’s how you do things
and 2- your fiancé is backing you up as well as agrees on the ‘adopting your ways of going things too.

I wouldn’t go into explaining why it works better fir you. They won’t listen AND they’ll use it to find holes into it.

Id also have a serious conversation with your fiancé about ‘traditions’ and tte fa pct You dont have to follow every single if his family traditions. Some yes. Some if your family too. And some you’ll create for yourself (just like his mum probably did btw)

Learn to embrace it, I was like you once. My SIL is such a bitch that these days I go out of my way to do things I know winds her up and it's a lot of fun 🤣😆

The 12 days of Christmas start on Christmas Day (with 12th night being 6 January) so you can tell them they’re wrong to put up at Advent - and also to bog off. Put it up tonight 🌲

This x1000. Tell her you'll continue to follow YOUR traditions.

You need counseling on an urgent basis before even contemplating marrying this man. Or you are in for a life of misery and the tree issue is the merest tip of the iceberg.

You need to address the anxiety you feel about this. She is the unreasonable one trying to dictate when you put up your christmas tree. You are an adult and don't need anyone's permission. If she is rude or comments on it say nothing, or if you feel compelled to respond say 'I'm an adult and do not need your permission or blessing'. If they are rude to you or about you then don't have anything to do with them. This would be because they are being unwelcoming and bullying you rather than as they will likely frame it that you aren't embracing their family.

Ask for forgiveness not permission. Set your stall out now or she'll put more 'family traditions' on you.

Also, bullies like this don't carry on when they realise you are going to stand up to them. Your dh is marrying you so if they want a relationship with him and any future children you have then they need to be nicer to you!

My mum and dad only ever put the tree up the weekend before Christmas. They were surprised when I didn’t. But said nothing because it was my home.They got over it, the world still turned.

Honestly stop being a drip, you’re a grown up who can put your Christmas tree up IN YOUR OWN HOUSE whenever you want. Stop entertaining her nonsense.

What about DH marrying into your family, where the tradition of putting the tree up whenever you fancy? Even if that's mid August!

What else will he do or not do because of them? Not do housework when you're on maternity leave? Not cook because in their houses they're the one's that cook? Only go on holiday where they go etc?

Are you sure you want to marry him?

Don't ask for either!

I mean this with kindness - but look at the anxiety and distress you are feeling over a Christmas Tree in your own home. And you are not even married yet. They seem to belittle and undermine you and insist on accepting "their family traditions". What about YOUR family traditions?

I really REALLY would not marry into this family. They sound cruel and it sounds like your future will be a miserable one full of intimidation and fear. What happens if you were to have a baby - and mother and sister in law decide that you are not bringing it up in line with their expectations? There was a recent thread (actually I've seen more than one) where an overbearing mother in law was being wildly inappropriate - taking hold of the baby and removing it whilst it was being breastfed - because she deemed that formula milk was better/mum was breastfeeding at the wrong times/other made-up batshit nonsense. Please don't let this happen to you. You are worth more than being silenced and crushed by these unkind people. Your life will be a living hell with them always on your case. And it's doubtful that your partner will ever defend you. He will take the path of least resistance to avoid confrontation with his mother and sister; he's already demonstrating this.

Assuming you live in your own home and not some large, shared family house then of course you put the tree up when it suits you! If you do all live together I'd wait but if it's your place then go for it.

I don’t put mine up til mid December but in this case I’d be putting a huge light up reindeer or something out side tomorrow too. SIL can get to fuck.

And if they make a comment, tell them this is what you do in your family.

I hate to admit it, but I used to do the same to my SiL. I especially loved to wind her up on 'culture' issues. Not 'ethnic culture', but things like theatre, museums, travel, that sort of thing. I was raised near a very large city and had the benefit of wonderful museums, music, and theatre. She was raised in a rural area and tried to make a 'thing' out of a nearby small-ish city's offerings. I know it was kind of childish but I used to LOVE to see her squirm when she bragged about (for example) seeing a ballet featuring a 'local' company and I'd say breezily "Oh yes, I saw that with Baryshnikov at the Music Center" before I moved up here. Totally uncalled for on my part, but like you say it's fun to wind them up.

DH and his DB went NC over 20 years ago about DB's treatment of their mother. And SiL had a LOT to do with that, too!