I dread Christmas. I don't want to.

[BrassicaBabe]

I dread Christmas. We don't even host dinner. We go to my parents, DH parents alternately. So really it's "just" present buying on my list.

DH and I have 2 kids.

When did Christmas lists become so prescriptive?!! Not only do I need to tell every present buying person what DCs want roughly, I have to provide a specific link.

So I need to know a detailed Xmas list for both DC enough to be able to share with both sides of the family. But THEN I need to know what to get the kids from DH and I!!

I had diagnosed ADHD. I hate the upset to my routine. I am NOT creative in anyway when it comes to gift buying. (I couldn't even tell you what I want). So a super thoughtful "just what I always wanted" gift isn't in my skills list! I hate that a tree and decorations mess with my space and feels cluttered. (I'm afraid cards go in the bin for here days. I cannot bare the "mess" they make)

Christmas feels like Harry Potter's dementors coming over the horizon towards me.

HOWEVER, I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to give out grinch like vibes.

Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone have any advice for "switching it up"?

I hear you OP. It’s all a bit much for one day! My neighbours have as their inflatable Santa and fairy lights up for two weeks already and I dread the idea of doing any of that stuff! I find it tacky and annoying but I have to for my DCs. The way that I’ve switched it up is by being really organised. I make a spreadsheet around July time and I list everyone that I have to buy presents for and as I think of things for them I start making a list. I try to have all my Christmas shopping completed by the beginning of December - it’s just less stressful for me to do it in small slow chunks. For my DH, Dsis & DCs I use this website - it’s free https://www.thingstogetme.com/ I add things to it for the children whenever I see them take an interest in something or I see something I think they might like. Or something I’d buy for them myself. You can send the link to parents etc. I have one of my own and add things to it all year.

Sounds like a good idea if you suddenly came down with a case of Christmas 'flu'. And ask yourself why you are going. Imagine what it would be like if you didn't go.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau, am I correct in reading that you live with family members? Things sound horrendous for you either way. Is there anyone at the church who can help? Would you consider moving to a housing association property away from family? Some HA’s only advertise on Rightmove (e.g. Sanctuary Housing) and there are plenty of supported living apartments advertised in various parts of the country for over 60‘s or over 55’s on full PIP.

Thanks for responses everyone, sorry for slightly derailing but I guess it might help for OP to know they’re not alone?

@SumthingAndNuthing thanks - you’re right. I won’t go into all the reasons why, but most of your suggestions aren’t things I can do right now, it’s basically a vicious circle of mental health problems due to abuse - on sick pay - parents insist on sick pay as “rent” - can’t save up as a result - it’s work insurance sick pay - work keep me suspended because my parents keep aggravating the MH issues and so on. I could apply for social housing but have been advised by CAB that I’d be way down the list due to having affluent parents who could house me.

I don't have ADHD, but I don’t put cards out and I have a very small, artificial tree. I love Christmas but in my own way.
I used to keep a note on my phone of anything I noticed my Dd wanting, but failing that I think asking for vouchers is fine. You can be specific about the shop, take photos of what they buy and turn them into thank you cards.

If they care enough to do that then they should get vouchers to take the pressure off everyone and the kids can buy something they truly want.

It’s utterly, utterly selfish.

Also, OP has ADHD and it is difficult to just ‘let it go’. I find your comment pretty flippant tbh.

I really feel for you! I have only recently been diagnosed with ADHD myself at the age of 53. It explains a lot! I absolutely hate the change to my routine. I hate having other people in my house, I hate the mess the disruption. I do love the Christmas decorations however But we also never host as I find it all too stressful. We always eat out. I have absolutely no imagination either and so present buying for me is the most stressful part. I worry about it months in advance because I need to know what where when how why so far in advance. I can’t offer you any advice other than to start making lists as you think of them through the year, but it’s really so difficult and nobody gets it. My whole family, think I’m nuts!

Manage the stress by setting some boundaries that work for you. I love getting gifts for everyone and being creative but I have really struggled once we became a blended family and so did my sister's and the children went from 2 to 12! Some things have had to give. One particularly busy year I bought everyone a pair of socks with toes. And the kids had a joint gift of an Xbox and new TV. It certainly took the stress out. If anyone asks me what the kids want I suggest book tokens - but you can do this with any sort of token. No wrapping required. Love to shop vouchers or Amazon vouchers if you know nieces and nephews have a list of 'things' they want. I used to really enjoy getting vouchers from relatives and having an outing to go and spend it.

I have ADHD. I have Amazon wishlists and add to them throughout the year. When a child asks for something I add it to their individual wishlist. If I see something or think of something they'd like I add it to the wishlist. When Christmas comes around if anyone asks I send them the link but tell them they don't need to follow it.
Last year every present came from the wishlist - there were no surprises for me on Christmas Day but the children were happy.
Once you get in the habit of adding things when you think of them it becomes easier.
I also hate choosing presents so have a wishlist for generic gifts for others and one for myself.
Works for birthdays too.
Still hate choosing gifts but this system takes some of the stress away.

I used to dread Christmas, we have four children and it was just such a performance and ludicrously expensive. However they gradually grew up and I managed to simplify things until it was just about bearable. Now they're adult with DC of their own and I have to bite my tongue to avoid saying to them "keep things simple, don't make an enormous amount of work for yourselves as they will expect it every year".
My GC just take it for granted that they will get most of what is on their Christmas lists, but we've started to give the older ones money so they can choose something themselves and get some idea of the value of money. I'd prefer to give them one nice big present each but they want all the usual expensive but destructible Christmas tat.

Let it go referred to finding gifts for relatives to give. Say vouchers if you can’t do anything else. Let the stress go …

I really hate the gift buying - I have reduced it continuously- it has made me very unpopular. We now do a secret Santa and I am paralysed with indecision and I have only one gift to buy. I hate how busy everything is and I look forward to normal in January happy that’s it’s over for another year.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau

due to having affluent parents who could house me.
CAB are wrong. You have no obligation to live with abusive people.

Contact Women's Aid, they acknowledge it's not only partners who can be abusive.
You need support from those officials helping with your MH to provide evidence (letters) in support of your housing application. Even if that's just the GP. Your work obviously know what's happening, they could write a letter too. As evidence of your income to afford rent and and of fact your parents are abusive.

The relationship between you and your parents has broken down. You can't stay there. Your parents can't just decide that you will/should and housing shouldn't be accepting that if your parents try. You don't have to live with your abusers.

Also, your parents literally can't demand your sick pay as rent. It's yours, ensure its paid into your bank account and refuse to give it to your parents. You're being financially abused, they have no rights to your income for any reason whatsoever. Their abuse is trapping you in a situation where they can continue to abuse you. It's no more legal than if they locked you in the bedroom and refused to let you out. If they kick off about you not handing over your sick pay and get violent, call the police (more evidence of their abusiveness and that you need to live elsewhere). Record the inevitable verbal abuse that you'll get on your phone, have it in your pocket or bag nearby. It will help people understand what you're dealing with.

If your parents throw you out which they obviously can do, you'll get more help from the council because it'll be more obvious you're homeless if you're sleeping on a friend's floor/in your car. The police can help you collect your belongings, your parents aren't entitled to steal them just because you lived there. At the moment people who don't understand abuse are advising you badly because they don't realise what they're looking at.

I agree with you OP, I said something similar on another thread recently. I get so stressed out with all the lists and things. I don't have ADHD but am not naturally organised either. Last year I worked myself into an awful state and people don't understand, they tell me I'm being silly and so what its just a few presents and a meal.

These days I just say generally what the child's interests are, in fairness they change so often its hard to get it right. I try not to give specific suggestions anymore because (ranting here) what really pisses me off is when I do then some people expect me to send them links. Like actually do their shopping for them, no F off, do that yourself.

My DH and his family all write out a 'wish list' and circulate it on whatsapp so I always get him something from this list too, we message each other privately to say I got X or Y. its a good system that works for everyone. But every year without fail, his brother buys the first thing or only thing with the link included and often PMs me literally minutes after DH sends his wishlist. Which means he spends about 30 seconds Christmas shopping for his brother and gives it no thought whatsoever. He has loads of money and always spends a lot and gets the 'best' present, it really annoys me!

That's a brilliant system!

Hey lovely. Agree you shouldnt have to do this if you don’t want to! Totally ok to say no/ask for vouchers etc, get your partner to do it, get your kids to do it themselves (depends on age obvs)! However, if you feel this means you need a quick ref point for nieces/nephews because you then won't get lists for them etc, I have a hack - I go straight to the independent’s website, where they have loads of great ‘best
gifts for X-year olds’lists and just pick things off the one for whatever their age is (I actually do this for my own kids (4 and 2 so not necessarily sure want all the time!) - I have never gone wrong there ! Just google ‘independent best gifts for six year olds’ Etc.

Instead of a specific gift list, just say what your DC are interested in, so books, cars, dinosaurs etc. Why should you do the thinking for everyone?
If you get duplicates then you can allways return or donate to charity, it's part of christmas to get surprises imo.

You can't be expecting to change your neurological capacity for 6 weeks.
However. You don't have 6 weeks. You have 52 or indeed the rest of your life.
Can you start considering the ways you can adapt your own preferences to make Christmas managable?
Your children are either old enough to use the Internet or they are young enough to flick through a catalogue. Depending on which you can always ask them for suggestions and links to be sent to you or you can grab an argos catalogue in Sept and sit them down with some glue and do a visual list that you can then translate to an amazon gift list and share nice and early in Oct or Nov.
The other great suggestions I already saw about populating one through the year with the random bits and bobs kids request is great.
Its hard to make one size fit all but you know your own preference and you can, with some time and planning, get Xmas working your way.
For cards why not send out a msg saying, "we appreciate your Xmas cards but this year we are going to donate to x charity instead and we are happy to not receive any cards in return." some may still arrive but it may help.
Put up decorations later and bring them down earlier is also very valid. If you feel that's harsh on your children, why not a few bits in their own space earlier and then later in shared spaces?
My sisters both had adhd and other diagnosis so I appreciate some of the anxiety paralysis you are trying to convey but if you can push these things into a longer period as smaller chunks and also build in space for yourself to get a few days of normality in the Christmas period hopefully it will be something more enjoyable for you in time.
I don't think you have to worry about being a grinch if you can find the things in Xmas that you do enjoy and make the ones that overwhelm you as managable as possible.
Good luck x

Not suprised you hate it, all this present buying why do people have to have gifts, just because someone said it was Christmas? Its a highly religious time anyway so why are people even celebrating it who arent religious weird.

Nobody needs presents, just because supposedly its jesus birthday????
It causes so much stress too. How many times do we see arguments and stress about someone not liking the present they were given and the next day its taken back, regifted or put on Ebay!!!

Not worth it. Just buy what you need and want for yourself and yours.
Not suprised you get stressed with people asking what your children want?
Ask them to make a donation to a charity or sponsor a child abroad or something?

It will get better when its all scaled back. Thankfully its starting less people are sending cards now and hopefully more people in the future will realise they have been brainwashed and manipulated into thinking they need to celebrate and buy presents.
Get it round to the way you want it?