I dread Christmas. I don't want to.

[BrassicaBabe]

I dread Christmas. We don't even host dinner. We go to my parents, DH parents alternately. So really it's "just" present buying on my list.

DH and I have 2 kids.

When did Christmas lists become so prescriptive?!! Not only do I need to tell every present buying person what DCs want roughly, I have to provide a specific link.

So I need to know a detailed Xmas list for both DC enough to be able to share with both sides of the family. But THEN I need to know what to get the kids from DH and I!!

I had diagnosed ADHD. I hate the upset to my routine. I am NOT creative in anyway when it comes to gift buying. (I couldn't even tell you what I want). So a super thoughtful "just what I always wanted" gift isn't in my skills list! I hate that a tree and decorations mess with my space and feels cluttered. (I'm afraid cards go in the bin for here days. I cannot bare the "mess" they make)

Christmas feels like Harry Potter's dementors coming over the horizon towards me.

HOWEVER, I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to give out grinch like vibes.

Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone have any advice for "switching it up"?

My dh did this with his brother's kids, but the oldest, now 13, has become a bit of an entitled spoiled brat and he had to stop when she started calling him "moneybags" and expecting cash, never saying thank you at all. Mind you her parents are the same, so can see why she's turning out that way.

Tell your family how you feel! No one wants anyone to feel unhappy or pressured at Christmas time.

Just tell them.

My partner and I both have adhd, and I also find the build up to Xmas so hard. More so since I have my older child in primary school…there is so much to remember there. Last year I was so bogged down I ended up in the school office crying with a bag of change asking to pay for/sign all the Xmas things there and then. This year I have started shopping much earlier, I had my ideas for other people’s presents for the kids written down in my notebook ready to go rather than waiting to be asked and it stressing me out. And when we’ve had a letter from school for something to pay for/sign for I’ve done it as soon as we’ve got home and put it ready to go for the next day so they aren’t hanging over me with a big fat cloud of guilt. Get a notebook and carry it with you. Not just for Christmas but for life in general. When something pops into your head write it down! As great ideas from us adhder’s happen at the worst times! And when you buy a present pop it on the list so you remember where it came from. Christmas cards 🤢 I hear ya!! So messy and everyone knocks them over repeatedly. The Xmas decs come down on the 27th in our house. Can cope with them up but as soon as the present opening begins and there’s all new stuff in the living room I want them out and gone and everything clear and the house back to normal otherwise I just can’t think straight. It’s all about strategies. You’ve got this lovely xxx

Tell your family - I have adhd and I'm finding it too stressful to keep having to make lists for you. Say, 'my gift to you this year is to think for yourself' 🎄

I agreee@Drhow I took my sisters/nephews pressies up with me in Oct half term when I visited them (140 miles away). Wasn't sure if I was definitely seeing them again before Christmas. It felt so nice have done a large chunk of my shopping & it spread the cost out too 👏 I do like being organised if I can.

I suggested to my DH we didn't need to have turkey on the day this year as we're having a massive traditional Xmas meal again on Boxing Day. You'd have thought I suggested he saw his own arm off with a rusty saw! 🤣 none of us really like turkey that much either! But he's a stickler for tradition..

I don’t enjoy Christmas, haven’t done so for years.
I put my foot down last year and said I was never cooking Christmas dinner ever again.
This year we’re having porchetta with french fries and salad, panna cotta for dessert.
Boxing day will be a trip to the beach with a hot soup, hot dogs and a long walk.
I refuse to buy presents just for the sake of it, the commercialisation is sickening, all that plastic tat and waste.
No Christmas cards being sent, I prefer to give a donation to a homeless charity.
Bah humbug? Probably, I honestly don’t care.

@JenniferJupiterVenusandMars Your Christmas plans sound great! Im just sebding xmas cards to 3 elderly family members this year. Feel sorry for the post people tramping around in this weather tbh. & the cost of stamps! 😳 I'd like to go abroad one Christmas just to try it (when our kids have left home) but again DH thinks that's a bonkers idea too!

I don’t have ADHD but that’s how I handle life too! Lists in a notebook and dealing with tasks as soon as practicably possible after they arise. The inside of my head is very peaceful as a result! Any unresolved issues are stored in the notebook in the correct place for me to deal with when necessary (rather than in my head) so I can stop worrying about them.

I don’t mind cards themselves but the suggestion of keeping them, whereupon they become clutter, just no. In the recycling after new year!

Yes please don’t do this to yourself. You are under absolutely no obligation to maintain these relationships.

I'm really impressed! Well done. I always get suckered in a little bit.

Autism here,kids and parents..
I can't cope with the trees ,why on earth we have to put 3 trees up ,I'd be happy with one tiny one
I've managed to stop the whole decorating the house.
But DH gets every single Xmas decoration out ,and it overwhelmes me ,and he wonders why I walk out .
I've bought minimum gifts ,but nothing is wrapped and I'm dreading having to do it
I just need it toning down for me to cope

You just sound like me.. I too can't stand all the cheap tack about.
I'm not religious either.
Don't like going to anyone house or them coming here.
Rather be at home with husband..
I give a few cards out and give grandkids money in their cards.
I tell everyone don't buy anything for us and we won't be getting you anything. It's too dear. Too expensive this time of the year. Just consentrate on your kids.
After all it's just another Sunday.
I think of the homeless this time of year. All the cold nights they're outside. I think of families skint.
So no it doesn't make me happy.
Humbug I guess.

1. You need to stop having Christmas anywhere other than the four of you at home.
2. Remove WhatsApp from your phone. I've never had it but in terms of ADHD, it will bring you nothing but misery.
3. You are actually not responsible for what your family want for Christmas. Take a deep breath and realise - This isn't your job.
4. Sit down as a family and discuss what you want for Christmas. Maybe put the lists and links into a spreadsheet or document. If it's a Google one, you can send a link and people can view any updates or say they've bought an item. Any messages and you just refer them to the link. (My son with ADHD does this at Christmas and ranks gifts in terms of importance and/cost 😂 but it's really helpful as he does it when his mind is in the right place and no one hassles him about things).
5. We had Christmas with lunch on the coffee table last year. We watched movies and ate food. We didn't get dressed. Make Christmas into something YOU and YOUR family enjoy.

And remember: The Ghost of Christmas Present sheltered two children - Ignorance and Want x

From Sept make lists 9f what yr kids r remotely 8nterested in or wot u wd buy them anyway bt font buy it keep it for the list. Try yo buy everything before Dec 1st when everything goes mental. U will have a far more peaceful December if u stagger it

They ask for ideas so that they get appropriate gifts for your children. I think that’s thoughtful rather than buying unwanted rubbish. Let it go Elsa….

I also have ADHD. I hated the Christmases where our house got filled with plastic crap that the kids weren’t really interested in.

Now they’re grown up, we book the local (very nice) Indian restaurant for Christmas Day with all of my extended family, who have also realised how lovely our new tradition is (14 of us this year). We do secret Santa at a limit of £20, which everyone is grateful for.

We do give the kids extra gifts, but that’s it.

I choose a holiday for DH and me, and pay for it (I get flights and accommodation separately and save loads); DH saves for spending money. That’s our Christmas present to one another, and something to look forward to in January.

I’ve finally perfected it after years of dreading Christmas. It might not be for everyone, but it works for us.

I agree with this entirely. No rule that says you have to spend Xmas with abusive parents. Do what makes you happy.

If your kids are old enough they write the list. if they aren’t you google ‘good Xmas gifts for 2 year olds’ and copy some of that. Or ask for a trip to soft play or whatever.

you get them something they need/love like:
a bike
scooter
dolls house
lego
craft kits
books
selection box
Ask your friends what their kids are getting, or post their ages/interests on here for ideas.

dont write cards. Don’t decorate if you don’t want to unless your kids insist and then just put the tree up for as short a time as possible. Or use fairy lights for a zigzag wall tree.

you agree with DH no presents but a weekend away/day to yourself/voucher or whatever.

most importantly find something you love. Ice skating, carol concert, Xmas market, eating your own body weight in mince pies etc. and do that. Find your joy

I did that once. My in-laws were an absolute fucking nightmare but my husband worked for his dad's business, so I was basically told to shut-up and get on with it. I went from enjoying Christmas with my children at home to having to go to their place every year to dreading it to the point I spent the entire day one year at the yard with my horse, I blamed the snow for not being able to get back. We didn't have to do it again, I filed for divorce in the following January, the pressure year after year on top of them being unbelievable, enough. I don't do Christmas at all any more, I buy my children and grandchildren presents throughout the year, spontaneous gifts, plus birthday presents, they've got used to Nanny's house not being a hotbed of idiot trees and lights and overwhelming stress. Unlike every other bloody household in the country my house is completely Christmas-free and you'd be surprised how many of my family and friends find it refreshing. Don't let a stupid thing like Christmas stress you out poppet, put your foot down and say 'NO' xxxxxxxxxxx

Could you not just say “DC1 would like anything to do with ‘insert hobby here’ and DC2 would really love book tokens this year”? That’s what I do when I run out of ideas or if the children hardly put anything on their Christmas lists. For example, one of my sons is hugely into rugby and the other loves surfing and nature, so anything to do with any of their hobbies is always a winner. Or as I said book tokens always go down well too, or Lego. I always buy Lego for nephews, nieces and godchildren!

this is what I do with 2 DC who are old enough to write their own Christmas and birthday lists - one can also browse for the item on their tablet (when they were younger, they went through the toy shop catalogues):

sometime in November, they write a list to Santa with everything they want or like - could be anything from clothes, toys, stuff for the room, maybe a gift experience??. I tell them that they have to be specific otherwise Santa might get any kind .i.e don’t just list a pink desk chair, find the item they like from a certain website and describe it on the list, ideally the website or shop name.

I tell them Santa might not bring all of these so they’re not disappointed when they open their presents from Santa (oh they sound so spoilt!)

i then send a pic of the list to the family what’s app group. ask them to choose what they want to buy asap so you can buy the rest.
I find this less stressful or maybe I’m a little too controlling. I don’t have the storage space for lots more stuff so like to know roughly what will arrive on Christmas Day. I have 3 sisters, both (mine and DH) parents, 2 nieces, 3 cousins who all buy for DC so I need to streamline what they’ll receive. Sound super ungrateful but I’m hoping I’m saving them money, time and hopefully the environment by reducing wastage.

Anyway this way, the children are really excited when they open the present from said relative. it’s lovely when they say they asked for “x” from Santa but he didn’t deliver it - so they show how thrilled they are when they open present from relative instead.

I explain Santa must know which presents they were going to get from family

The other good part is you don’t end up with a lot of extra toys sat in a cupboard either unopened or played with once

Hi op.
It is the executive function deficits that come with adhd and the extra organisation /planning that it adds . That is why you hate it. And why i hate it too (dx adhd). Stay strong.