I dread Christmas. I don't want to.

[BrassicaBabe]

I dread Christmas. We don't even host dinner. We go to my parents, DH parents alternately. So really it's "just" present buying on my list.

DH and I have 2 kids.

When did Christmas lists become so prescriptive?!! Not only do I need to tell every present buying person what DCs want roughly, I have to provide a specific link.

So I need to know a detailed Xmas list for both DC enough to be able to share with both sides of the family. But THEN I need to know what to get the kids from DH and I!!

I had diagnosed ADHD. I hate the upset to my routine. I am NOT creative in anyway when it comes to gift buying. (I couldn't even tell you what I want). So a super thoughtful "just what I always wanted" gift isn't in my skills list! I hate that a tree and decorations mess with my space and feels cluttered. (I'm afraid cards go in the bin for here days. I cannot bare the "mess" they make)

Christmas feels like Harry Potter's dementors coming over the horizon towards me.

HOWEVER, I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to give out grinch like vibes.

Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone have any advice for "switching it up"?

I also have adhd and I feel your overwhelm! I quite like Christmas though which definitely helps - just not the extra EF demands.

With the dc could you just let the circle the stuff they like in the Smyths catalog or the Argos catalog, then pick a few in the right price range and add “all available in Smyths”. Job done.

When mine were small I used to take a photo of whatever they got attached to in a shop to get them to leave without a tantrum. And always, a photo of the price tag so I’d know how much and where.

There’s nothing wrong with gift formulas - you can be the aunt who gives cash and a selection box every single year and I guarantee your nieces and nephews will love you for it. Mary Berry and her dh give each other an IOU and at some stage in the year cash them in when they see something nice they want.

Instead of decorating with lots of little bits choose one or two big statement pieces and leave it at that.

Find a way to make things simpler and suit you, so you can get back to enjoying Christmas on your own terms.

Gift-giving to children is a minefield these days. Lots of children have SO many toys, and they are into particular things like Pokemon figures or some other figures or trains they are collecting. What is the point in Aunty Emma buying them something that Aunty Emma thinks is "thoughtful" when they are yearning after a particular Thomas the Tank Engine train or Lego set? You might know what they are into, but you can't possibly know what they already have, so how thoughtful is it to get them something that already have so they have that disappointment on Christmas Day and you have the hassle of trying to exchange it for something else? What if YOUR idea of "thoughtful" is really not what appeals to them? You set yourself and them up for disappointment if you get something that they won't use.

Far better to check with parents and get them something they would really love. Once they get a bit older and both you and the parents are stuck for ideas then children usually love money or vouchers as they like the idea of going shopping and choosing their own item.

OP, kids' presents should be easy. It's the adults that are a pain to buy for, and it all makes me so very anxious. The having to make so many different decisions, the idea that everyone needs the "perfect" present. The shops with shelf upon shelf of gifts - far too much choice, so much that making a decision about one thing over the other become really hard. I'd rather adults just decided not to do presents in all honesty. Stick to birthday presents only and then at least it's spread through the year and not at the busiest time of the year.

Re the cards, that's easy. Put a piece of string up on a bare wall and hang them on there. That's what we do as we don't have enough windowsills to put them on.

I get so harassed for ideas too, it makes it really stressful. If they gave me ideas in return then I wouldn't mind as much, but they refuse to.

I just tell my family what the kids are into e.g frozen, Barbie or peppa pig and set a £20-£25 limit so they don’t feel they have to go crazy or buy anything big, my mum and dad of course ignore that but they watch the kids during the week so usually have a good idea what they’d want. As for decorations and trees, why not try a minimalist Christmas with a small table top tree or could you put trees in the kids rooms so they still get the Christmas joy but you don’t have to stare at it all day.

I can understand where you’re coming from, it is really irritating to have to think about it for everyone but at the same time, I’m glad the kids don’t really have any duplicate presents!

reading through the comments though, and there’s a large proportion of people commenting who simply do not like Christmas and/or gift buying. Just do what makes you happy!! Buy the gift if you want/can or don’t - but don’t complain about others as everyone is just doing what they can - both financially and mentally

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau that is no way to spend any day of your life.
Coyld you go away? One of the easiest Christmases I had was on a package holiday to Spain.

Just because your husband works long hours - God forbid any man would be asked to do something outside of his paid employment - doesn’t mean you can’t enlist his help in this. Describing it as dementors coming over the horizon sounds pretty shit - it’s obviously a significant anxiety for you.

Don't let your DH off the hook - he might actually enjoy looking through the Argos catalogue with the children - it could be a fun thing for him to do.

Is it possible to be completely honest,? Explain you have ADHD and this makes it all very difficult for you. Explain how you'd find it easier and what would help you to deal with things better rather than heightening your anxiety? People are quite understanding of mental health issues these days. Be honest about who you are and stand up for what makes things easier for you. Good friends and family should, if decent people, take this on board.

Ps I throw all Christmas cards in the bin. I've told people not to send me cards - I despise the clutter - so if they do - at least they are aware they get thrown and that's their call! 💁‍♀️

This really annoys me.

my mother in law is particularly guilty of this. She never, ever comes up with an idea. One year she saw my daughters letter to Santa, took a photo of it and bought everything on the list.

I went batshit! Made husband tell her everything in that list was already purchased, wrapped and sitting in the attic. She had to take all of hers back.

i was absolutely furious and I’m furious all over again thinking about it now!

I put cash in a card for my nieces and nephews for them to spend to go to the indoor climbing wall, trampolining, ice skating type activities. They love the activities and parents often can't afford them- I give enough for 2/3 activities each and I know I am not buying more plastic tat to go to landfill!!!

I absolutely get you, ADHD household here and Christmas is difficult. I opted out many years ago (when my now 20+ DS was a toddler) and the relief was enormous.

I stopped going to other people’s houses for Christmas Day using DS and the “we want to be at home for toys etc” as the excuse. I was blunt about presents and said me & DH don’t want anything, DS wants cash or vouchers. Some people may not have liked that but they didn’t say anything to my face so it was ok.

We have a picnic on the floor in front of the tv and eat what we want, I put the tree up when I finish work for Christmas (usually Christmas Eve afternoon) and it comes down before new year, I send hardly any cards so no one sends any back, we don’t really do presents and over the last few years I have learnt not to care what anyone else thinks.

As a more general point I find WhatsApp to be a nightmare so refuse to engage with it. Was in a family group when issues with PIL which led to family group call where I essentially called BIL a twat ( everyone else wanted to say it 😂) so then I disengaged. Far less hassle and no lists or being told “helpful” stuff by other people I don’t really want to engage with

i do get that I am a miserable git but I am ok with that too

@WinteryWonderland I am living for the day I can do that. The only Christmas I’ve ever been able to enjoy is when my ex, who worked in church and couldn’t spend the day with me, had a belated Christmas with me and his family. We ate a meal, played games, nobody threatened each other with knives or got drunk. I even got minor presents. At the moment I don’t have the health, funds etc to do what I want to spend the day doing, which is a church service and some volunteering. Unfortunately I’m dependent on my family partly because they insist on taking most of my sick pay so I don’t get thrown out and it’s more than my life’s worth to say I don’t want to participate in family Christmas. Last year was my best actual Christmas ever because my mother was blanking me. She spent most of her time out of the house so I made it to a service conducted by a dear friend, had Christmas Day with my dad, etc.

I have the same issue but I love the rest of Christmas. Both grandmas are still going but in their 90s so I have to buy and wrap presents from them and the last couple of years one of them hasn’t even paid me for them though she has the means and ability - just takes it for granted and doesn’t even ask what she’s got them. I know they’re v elderly but it’s a right pain. And I have to think of something for my brother to get them. Worst one was getting them really expensive new bikes a few years ago and finding out a couple of years after that they always thought they were from my mum.

I feel your pain OP. Both sides of our family start pestering me for Xmas gift ideas from October. Then it feels like I'm pestering my older teenage kids to see what they want. But my kids also say vouchers/money is boring 🤷‍♀️ My DH doesn't get involved at all.

I am not a big fan of Christmas either, mainly because I don't like the extended intrusion to my routine - I have ASD. We set a budget limit for each person, and ask for ideas if themes they are into at the moment as opposed to a list of specifics. It seems to work ok for us, and is overly stressful. I agree with your sentiment on receiving links to specific items, from specific sites, by specific brands... It makes it very commercial, and removes any surprise element and opportunity to show insight and thoughtfulness. Even I get that and I am autistic!

I agree and I'd go no-contact completely. Nobody needs that shit in their life. You can take care of yourself now @CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau , it's not only allowed, it's very sensible.

I made it simple years ago OP. I stopped buying presents for anyone except DH (we've no children) and if I haven't seen anything I think he'd like I ask what he wants, if he shrugs or says "nothing" he gets nothing just a lovely card. I'm done with doing other people's thinking for them. Not only do I have to choose my own present for him to buy me, I also have to go shopping with him to buy it. I never ever have a surprise to open on Christmas day and I'd like one, but it isn't going to happen. So this way it equals out the mental load. I told everyone else I can't afford it, it's a reason they can't kick off over. Most of the family have stopped buying me gifts, if they ever did, and it's a relief not to have to pretend I like whatever they got me. I don't believe in giving cash, it's completely pointless handing each other £20/30 or whatever, everyone may as well keep their own cash and buy themselves a present with it, at least they'd get what they wanted.

I decorate how I like, usually a small fake tree and little else. It doesn't feel like a chore putting it up or away and we like looking at it.

I send cards to neighbours in my block and to family. Mostly this is out of duty but it's quick and easy to do and maybe makes some people happy. I even send cards to the neighbors I don't like and the family members I know will put them straight in the bin because they don't do cards. I don't let it bother me. It's just so nobody can say I snubbed them.

I'm happy to make plans to meet up around Christmas time but I see nobody on Christmas day unless I want to. There are 364 other days of the year that people can pretend they want to see me out of politeness, if they wish. I don't need to give up my Christmas day just to make them feel less awful for ignoring me the rest of the year. If we get an invitation somewhere and want to go for a few hours, we go. If only one of us wants to go for a while, then that's what happens. It's nice - relaxed, easy and unpressured.

We eat whatever we feel like. Usually an ordinary meal and plenty of Christmas treat food throughout the day. I never host Christmas, there's nobody I'd want to invite who lives close enough and I've no room for overnight guests. It's my idea of a nightmare. I'm happy for people who wish to drop by for a cuppa and nibbles on other days, whether it's Christmas or not.

I love Christmas, it's magical. A rest, some treats, maybe some festive plans with friends, maybe some Christmas cards received, a general positive feeling around town, everyone seems happier. It's nice. I'm not letting anyone ruin it.

Time for you to start some new traditions for your nuclear family OP? What you're currently doing isn't working for you.

For friends/family - here’s their Amazon wish list; go nuts! I try to put stuff on their from £10 upwards to cater for everyone’s budget.

From us we do something that someone told me about a few years ago and thought it was a good idea. As they are little and their toys aren’t quite so expensive yet we get two from each category from us (my mum has taken the idea this year and they will get them one of each category). I’ve put some examples with each thing.

something you want (switch game/Lego set (DS); pushchair for dolls, little mermaid doll (DD))
something you need (wellies, onesie,
lego box to take out and about, last year they had new headphones)
something to wear (a new outfit e.g. minecraft t shirt, joggers and hoody for DS ; smed same smoos t shirt, nice jeans and a hoody for DD )
something to read; 2 books/book sets
something to do; tickets to the theatre show (Bluey live) and vtech marble rush set each (can combine to make a big set)

Something from Santa (as they are still little) DS want to ask Santa for a little remote control drone; DD wants playdoh so got one of those sets with contraptions 😂

In their stocking I just put little bits and some chocolate; DS wanted some Pokémon figures, DD has some of the little Disney dolls. I try to put little toys in their stocking to keep them occupied as I let them do stockings when we get up (at half past squirrels fart) then main presents when I’ve had coffee, they’ve had cereal, DH has had a cup of tea and fed and walked the dog etc.

Too late for this year but I’ve also started trying to buy thing since September to spread the cost and keep a list of what I’ve bought. I suspect I have ADHD (DS does) so this method of categories and spreading buying has really helped me plan a bit and remember what I’ve already got!

You get hosted and you have to provide a list.
Don’t go if you hate it so much, be an adult.

For heaven's sake, don't go!!!!! Don't put yourself in that situation. You are worth more than that.

Not read full thread so apols if already suggested, but depending on age and number of children involved, if it's getting a bit ridiculous presents-wise, can you suggest a "secret Santa" instead, so they each just get ONE present from the wider family (plus ones from parents/possibly grandparents of course)? If buying just one each, you could possibly set a bigger budget too, so they get one proper decent present instead of loads of smaller ones. That way, apart from your own presents you only need ONE suggestion (or maybe a couple of options, so the giver has a choice) for each child?

My daughter tells everyone her children need clothes and tells them their size!

Same. Anyone with any manners isn't going to comment on it. Anyone who is rude enough to comment on it gets lied to that it's broken. I feel no guilt. If I don't like it it goes to charity or is sold ASAP. I can appreciate the thought whilst not liking the item. Although often if I don't like it I suspect it's because no thought went into it anyway and someone just grabbed any old tat thinking "that'll do" out of obligation. That's why the endless present buying is ridiculous. I suspect most don't really want to but feel they can't say so. It would be better if there was more honesty.

The problem with refusing to tell others what to buy is that it’s really hard to know what to get for other people’s children- some 8 year old girls want barbie, others was fake tan. Some like football. Some can’t stand it. Ditto adults- some hate scented candles, some love them etc etc.

See I just don't understand why anyone would even want to buy presents for someone who they basically don't know. You have no idea what they're into or what their life/personality is like, to have a guess at what they'd enjoy, so how much are these people part of your life anyway? I'm guessing not much. If you wish they were, wouldn't it be better to spend time with them throughout the year? Maybe I'm unusual but what I really want from my loved ones is their company. It's why I feel closer to my friends than to my blood relatives.