I dread Christmas. I don't want to.

[BrassicaBabe]

I dread Christmas. We don't even host dinner. We go to my parents, DH parents alternately. So really it's "just" present buying on my list.

DH and I have 2 kids.

When did Christmas lists become so prescriptive?!! Not only do I need to tell every present buying person what DCs want roughly, I have to provide a specific link.

So I need to know a detailed Xmas list for both DC enough to be able to share with both sides of the family. But THEN I need to know what to get the kids from DH and I!!

I had diagnosed ADHD. I hate the upset to my routine. I am NOT creative in anyway when it comes to gift buying. (I couldn't even tell you what I want). So a super thoughtful "just what I always wanted" gift isn't in my skills list! I hate that a tree and decorations mess with my space and feels cluttered. (I'm afraid cards go in the bin for here days. I cannot bare the "mess" they make)

Christmas feels like Harry Potter's dementors coming over the horizon towards me.

HOWEVER, I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to give out grinch like vibes.

Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone have any advice for "switching it up"?

I don't like Christmas. I make an effort for our 3 DC who are all under 10, but I'd happily just carry on as normal and ignore the whole thing. I don't like cards or decorations, I hate Christmas food and think presents are a waste of effort and money. I never go on Christmas nights out.

If it was up to me, I'd go for a nice early walk with DH - down through the fields to the dene, through the dene to the harbour and the sea and back along the coast via the lighthouse and the beach, home. It's about 12 miles. Home by lunchtime. We'd have homemade soup and bread and cheese, slump on the sitting room sofa with the woodburner lit and the cats cuddled in, have a couple of drinks and cook a vegetarian meal we like later on. We might have a few lights and baubles in the sitting room.

As it is, tree and decs are going up this weekend. Letters to Santa are written. Advent calendars start tomorrow. Excitement is building. On the day we'll be up at 7 watching DC opening presents - they'll be excited and delighted. Breakfast about 9. Walk to PIL at 12.30 for DC to open some presents there before lunch. Lunch will be an event. Bit of silliness afterwards with FIL playing the piano and people singing along. DH's grandma- in her 90s- does a good turn. Home by 5.30/6pm. Boxing day PIL and grandma are coming here for tea. It'll all be lovely and DH will love every single minute. If he wouldn't be upset I'd stay at home by myself every year.

I have written the cards and am going to post them tomorrow- we don't send that many but I'm glad they are done. I try to write a personal message in each or there's no point at all. Not a single one is to my family because I don't have any and that gets to me a bit. We send an ecard to friends but proper cards to older people and some family members. DH did them last year so it's my turn this year. We are going to wrap the presents on Sunday night when DC are in bed- I like that bit. It's a nice thing to do together.

I can sympathise. My inlaws ALWAYS seem to want lists for someone's imminent birthday and/or Christmas. It's lovely that they want to spend money on the kids and do all that wrapping-I don't want to be ungrateful-but I have such a hard time thinking what we can get for them ourselves without the extra pressure. Plus there can sometimes be the awkwardness of -is this particular thing too expensive to ask for? Or where I really want the DC to have a particular thing so want to pin down whether GP's are going to be buying or not but don't want to sound grabby. They are really insistent on getting these lists! Don't know why they can't bung some cash in a card and buy a selection box. That's what I used to get from my DGP's 😁

I also put Christmas cards straight in the recycling. I feel bad about it but clutter makes me anxious and I'm already struggling to cope with all the Christmas decorations everywhere, I don't want piles of cards sitting around as well. I don't know why anyone sends them to me any more as I haven't sent any for at least 5 years (except my 94-year old friend who gets a lot of joy from them, but I see her every week anyway).

Because they want to be kind! What a shame for these well meaning people.
I strongly suggest that if some people's children were given a selection box, parents would definitely complain.

I spend about an hour making an amazon wishlist for my son of just bits and bobs - ideas for other people, but equally not stuff he has asked for and would be upset if he doesn't get. Then when anyone asks I just send the wish list to them, if somebody purchases something it comes off the list. So much easier that way, it's done and dusted x

Can you go away for Christmas instead?

@Maireas not me! I'd be thrilled.
😄

Totally agree with this - children of any age love a voucher and chocolate.

The One4all ones are good as they can be used in any shop.

I always write a note saying "We thought you'd enjoy choosing something for yourself! Let us know what you get!"

As Jenny eclair says, I like cheese and money 🤑

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau I symapthise, as someone with CPTSD and related diagnoses who hated spending Christmas with abusive parent and enabling parent. Last time I did this I ended up leaving early and had panic attacks and dissociation for three days afterwards. I don't do Christmas with them anymore. I thought they would kick up more of a fuss about me not doing it but they were satisfied with me doing a few hours on Christmas eve instead not the day and I don't do sleepovers. The last couple of years I have had the option of going away, same this year but I sympathise with those who don't have that option. My therapist had been pressing me for ages to set boundaries and it's taken me a long time to do so but I don't regret it.

OP - my husband and children are N.D so we've made Christmas work for us. Some things we do...

• Have decorations in just one room. This keeps the "Christmasness" to a minimum, we get to enjoy it but if anyone needs breathing space from it they can have it.

• Direct and honest conversations about presents with relatives. Excruciating at first, but ultimately everyone is grateful for them! We ask for either vouchers or contributions to a day out or membership of something (local attraction etc) Means less clutter and I gave something I can take the kids out to for the rest of the year.

• I personally have ribbon that I peg the cards to, but then I like cards. You don't like them and that's okay - no one will know that you aren't keeping them. If you don't want to send them out, I've seen plenty of friends on Facebook post a quick "Hi - we aren't sending cards this year and are donating to XX charity instead" Sorted!

• I didn't catch how old your children are, but we are trying to have some simple traditions that aren't overwhelming and will last as they get older. We go out for lunch at their favourite pizza restaurant, we go to buy them a new Christmas decoration, they each invite one friend over to decorate gingerbread houses (I buy them all one each, put it together & they just decorate it...they love this.) Doesn't have to be the same as us...but I'm trying to say that we do small, simple things. We don't go to see Father Christmas as it's too stressful, same for big Carol concerts etc. I go on my own as I love them...but that's just for me.

• I also follow the Organised Mum Christmas. She does a countdown from (I think?) September / October...she gives you a couple of small jobs to do for Christmas each week and it honestly makes life so much easier and more enjoyable.

I hope that helps a bit?

Dude...i feel you pain. I have been living in the S. Hemisphere and had "hot" christmases, and even though Xmas the first few years was tough... now I do a lot of travelling to other non-christmassy places i.e. beaches and its fabulous.

This year I am coming back to the UK for the christmas period and the nightmares are REAL. I cannot not tell you exactly why but after having a bit of freedom for a few years I am not looking forward to it.

I cut down the number of presents drastically. Really only buy for my own kids.

Why can't the children make their lists themselves?

I can definitely empathise with you OP. The additional mental load that Christmas creates is such an incredible source of anxiety for me and for some reason in the lead up I get an overwhelming need to de clutter every inch of the house and insist on it having immaculate levels of cleanliness, otherwise I simply can’t relax and enjoy the ensuing festivities.
My favourite part of Christmas is Crimbo Limbo - just spending it with DH and DCs eating chocolate & leftovers, going on walks and watching films with no time constraints, deadlines or other people to deal with!

Maybe Christmas could not be just about gifts? But having a nice time with loved ones? If Christmas feels like dementors to you because it's all about present stress I feel really sorry for you. We have no money but still enjoy Christmas in other ways!

If you don’t know them that well, why are you buying unnecessary presents for them?

If you genuinely want to get them something but don’t know them well enough to choose then just buy them vouchers.

I hear you OP. My ILs ask me for 'ideas' for the kids every year. They ring me when they are in the shop. I can be anywhere from cleaning the house to walking with friends and I am expected to have answers on the spot.
I can't even say vouchers because they don't want to spend more than a tenner on the kids so buy some plastic crap that breaks within a day or two and I throw in the bin. I find it overwhelming. Nowadays I say books.

They automatically give DH and I vouchers for restaurants. Restaurants they like themselves. Restaurants that cost three times more than the voucher is worth and restaurants where we can't bring the children. We have a lot of unused vouchers going back years and years that are out of date and for restaurants that have since closed down.

I hate putting up the Christmas tree. I hate decorating the Christmas tree. I hate sweeping up needles every day and I hate watching decorations fall off drooping dry branches. I hate taking down the Christmas tree. Did I mention I hate the Christmas tree :)

I don't find Christmas fun. I find other people (including my children) are full of unrealistic Hallmark expectations. I put on a front because I don't want my misery to be contagious.

Adhd here, had to stop reading the entire thread at the post all about spending the day with family, doing fun things & not be a Grinch....

It does not work like that in my family. It never has & it is so stressful. Nothing but moaning, DM hates Christmas with a passion, relations with siblings are tetchy.

Had a meltdown two years ago when just with lovely DH & now refuse to do anything bar sort out presents for dn & dn.

Thinking a trip to the beach this year.

I'm becoming more Grinchy as I get older. My son and oldest nephew are a bit older now and Christmas doesn't have that magic.

We've just lost my mam, so I'm on a downer anyway. I would always look forward to the opportunity for a few nights out with colleagues and friends, but this year I just don't want to be there.

A few years ago we lost my aunty on Christmas eve, a couple of years before that my grandad was ill in hospital over Christmas and passed away days into the new year. There are some big seats at the table left empty and the family we have left don't always want to take part. People are at various stages of grieving and I don't want to be insensitive to that.

But at the same time we do want DS to have a good Christmas. I'm dreading the arse on of decorations but it'll have to be done. My brother seems to want to make the most of it but I wish we'd planned to visit the in laws. They aren't without their own recent losses, but with more kids on that side they'd at least have each other to bounce off.

We didn't always get presents off aunties and uncles when I was young, although one of my uncles used to slip me a tenner. I thought that was brilliant, better than a present, and because he'd take me to one side, take the money out of his wallet and say "This is for you son, Merry Christmas" it seemed to make it more personal. It never crossed my mind he hadn't put any thought into getting me a present, or even thought about putting the money in a card 😂

Sounds like they’re the crappy family who can’t even think what their grandchild/nephew or niece would like! It’s so much easier for them to just ask you and wait for you to sort it! You’re making it stress free for them and piling it on yourself. I tell family ‘they’d love for you to take them out for the day to make a memory instead’

totally agree about cards! HATE them, I chuck them all away immediately and don’t send any and tell family not to give them to me. With decorations I don’t put them up until maybe 7th/8th, too much clutter and mess otherwise and I don’t go mad with it as we also like the minimal look where everything has its place.

Being organised earlier than December removes some pressure. Asking DC what they want at the start of November then sending a few of those items to family members helps. If you’re in a position to buy presents a few months before Christmas, that also helps so it’s not some last minute dash. Overall, it’s just about being organised I guess and placing less pressure on yourself.

We have a string all year round.
Christmas, birthdays, Easter, Valentines, they all go on there.

I could have written your post. I don't have ADHD as far as I know but I get really stressed by things being out of place and disrupted. So I keep Christmas very boundaried. I work in the run up to Christmas, usually finish on the 23rd. The tree goes up on Christmas eve, it is our family tradition. We have a lovely few days off just us, we don't have any family around/in this country, maybe see friends, then the tree is down on the 28th/29th, everything out away again and life just carries on. This is how I can cope best with it all.

My children are now early teens but I used to get really annoyed when they were younger with having to get not only presents from us/Santa, but from each of my parents and my granny and sometimes my brother and order, wrap and label everything. It was exhausting.

I am the aunt who always just gives money. As the children get older they seem to appreciate this more anyway. My creativity goes as far as "how can I avoid just transferring money to parents to give to child". The kids have been equally happy with finding money in a card, in a selection box, in with some chocolate coins, and last year a puzzle thing like this: https://www.poundland.co.uk/christmas-gift-card-maze?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAgqGrBhDtARIsAM5s0_m1hSPKJLRlqrGt9FdHNGEYydKDJeOT_SIJ2EXT51-sFr-apt5YQ94aAmneEALw_wcB

Think it will be chocolate oranges this year

I have slowly been withdrawing from Christmas for years. My mum is the sort who wants a list with links. It's like she doesn't know me at all! And even then she ignores the list and buys something completely different!

I hate the palaver. Put the tree up, shop for presents, don't forget this or that for the meal because we've had it 15 years on the trot and we like it, forced fun at work Christmas parties, no we are NOT putting the telly on, board games, arguments over cheating (flipping monopoly, I despise it) drink too much, heartburn bed. Then, WE HAD A LOVELY CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.

I'm putting up with one more because it's the last one before my child is a legal adult. Next year I'm buggering off to the Canaries.