Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

stewing at 3am over this? You've got a fab life if this is what keeps you awake!

Some kids are PITAs 🤷‍♀️ it might be poor parenting, it might be additional needs, it might be that they are young for the class and/or particularly slow to learn impulse control. And some adults have no manners.

I think you are very privileged - not to be hosting a party but to have never experienced such behaviour before!!

Saying something to the parents will achieve absolutely nothing. Bitching about a 3 year old will reflect badly on you. Just don’t invite again. And next time say “no siblings”.

WTF is 'privileged' about having a party for your child?

Yes! and yes!

He ruined your little girl's birthday? Really? And you did nothing?

It was your child and your party.

When the adult proved to be totally ineffective, why on earth didn't you step in and stop this from happening??

I would've no more allowed him to behave like that than his teacher would.

Toughen up, they're children!

My god stop writing notes... how passive aggressive can you be.

Its ironic you talk about etiquette when your 'invite' broke pretty much every established etiquette in the history books.

You also come off very grabby. No presents please (only said this for show though as you even admit that) they bitching they didn't even get you a gift (yes a card is also a type of gift).

Yes its irritating when an extra shows up but stewing on it is beyond bizarre, its a standard part of hosting kids parties. YOU didn't address it and chose to let it go at the time, you can't bill them after the fact.

There will always be one boisterous kid doing something 'not acceptible by grown adult standard' because they are young CHILDREN at a party (and more than 1 in 30 young kids has some level of SEN/ND/LD etc...).

You are very clearly new to all this but... let it go.

'Letting the mother get away with it'...
That is a little dramatic. Some kids (specially at 3) are OTT and go on a sugar high, you say yourself there was lots going on, presumably parents/kids everywhere.
I get that it is annoying and some people are entitled, and their kids spoilt.
But you make it sound like this woman deliberately set her kid out to ruin the party and that you're plotting revenge!

Birthday parties are a pain in the arse. They also get more and more competitive as the kids get older.
Just let it go.

Chalk it up to experience. IME there is usually one like this in ever class, my youngest was friends with 'the one' for a time so I was obliged to invite this child to parties, and older sibling who was invariably dragged along and would follow me around saying ''can I have this, can I have that''. They are greedy kids too, they're now secondary school age and not improved at all.

I found kids parties to be super stressful and it's one of the things I don't miss about them being that young. Other people's kids, man, who'd have em.

This!

You need to seriously lower your expectations and raise your tolerance levels if you’re to get through to the teen years without a nervous breakdown.

She’s very rude

But it sounds like you had a great party

Don’t obsess about this

Just don’t ask her again

Yes, they were CFs but it certainly isn't something to be losing sleep over.

If you're this het up about a pre-school birthday party, good luck with school! Your DC will be exposed to lots of bloody awful kids...

I'd have said something to the offending child at the time, it's too late to say anything now.

Forget about it and don't invite F again.

I think if F's 8 year old uninvited cousin was behaving like a little shit at my party, I'd have told the parent that he either stops behaving like that, or they'll have to take him home.

You don't have to put up a child bullying the other kids, especially as he wasn't even invited.

Very rude but seriously let it go. Don't ask for money or mention it again. You know what F and his parents are like now so you'll know not to invite them again.

Breathe- as a party veteran all I can say is there will be many more similar incidents where you will want to explode. The sibling thing is hard just don't open that door, but it is an age old issue.
I never minded a few sarnies and crisps gping to the sibling but when they queued up for party bags it did grate.
The worst was when a dad dropping off said under no circumstances was I to give out the child to mum if she came as there was a domestic dispute going on!! Cue watching the door in terror all party.

This won't be the last time you need to deal with "not ideal" behaviour at parties, so buckle up .

I would never sternly tell off a child at a party. I do however tell the parents to step up if needs be (sometimes parent genuinely doesn't realise because they aren't looking at the critical point) but I make it as nice as possible. eg "Oh (X mum), so sorry but X is a little bit upset with one of the children, can you go and see to him?" (I wouldn't list misdemeanours, just put it in generic terms).

If the parent wasn't around, for the cupcakes I'd say "Oh sweetie, we don't want the icing to get all smudgey!" (whilst simultaneously removing the hand, or the cakes. Whatever I say, I keep the tone light and make it clear I am assuming they will follow/they If they still had another go at the cupcakes after that, I'd say "Hands, sweetie!" (I always use an endearment because it does soften it). I also usually use "we" rather than "you".

I assume that the children don't mean harm but sometimes they forget their manners/go a bit wild/don't know the right way and so I'll do what's necessary but always kindly.

Hand her an invoice for the cousin's meal?? Honestly?

Good god, it was one extra child. I know it's PITA but these things happen at parties, and you have to suck it up. Would you be invoicing an uninvited adult who turned up at a drinks party you were holding?

As for the invited child, 'F' being pushy and grabby, that's unfortunate but there's always one feral kid at a young child's party! He sounds a pain - if parents were there I would have sidled up to the mum and said 'sorry but your son's bulldozing the cakes, and those are going in the party bags so please could you hold him back' or something like. Not much point in fuming at 3am! And certainly no point in bringing it up with his (possibly rude) mum. Just don't invite him again!

It was F"s sibling /cousin who is 8. An 8 year old should have developed impulse control.

God, let it go. Your reaction to this is way over the top. And I'm surprised so many on here are spurring you on.

actually there are only a few people that are spurring this ridic behaviour on.

Invoice for £10 over smeared cupcakes 🙄Might as well tack on £5 for pain, suffering and emotional distress.

The Mum was obviously very rude but F is only three so I think a OTT to be so annoyed at their behaviour. Don't invite them again and put it down to experience.

So, I got to the bit where you described putting in an explanatory note regarding everything - the no present required, but make a card for the memory box, the bring siblings but I’m not paying for them, further explanations about your daughter etc etc… I actually said “oh my god” out loud because it strikes me as quite bonkers.

All you need is:-

X is turning 4!
Come to her party at X location
X time
RSVP <insert phone number>

Everyone knows the activity and food is covered for the invited child.
And if they bring a present and you don’t want it, donate to charity.

Sometimes people behave like dicks and that is that. Obnoxious uninvited kid eats food they aren’t entitled to - you go up to the parent/guardian and say excuse me, can you step in and deal with this please.

Don’t go up and try and speak to the parent now - they won’t care! And don’t go round spreading shit about them to others either, it’s social suicide and your child will suffer.

Chalk it up to experience.

FYI invite etiquette - most up until reception have a family party, maybe inviting a few close friends from nursery at most. Reception to yr 1 mainly full class invites. yr 2+ invite the kids same sex as your child, until the point when they start to only want a few best mates to celebrate; usually yr 4-6.

@Bbq1 she said it was F's cousin who ate the part food. How would he have known he wasn't allowed to as I'm assuming F's mother didnt tell him because she didnt intervene and op was busy. It was F though that she called a bully and F is 3 or 4 years old. I stand by kids of that age not having much impulse control.

Yes, my mistake. I reread the Op and realised. I got confused with so much F this abd F"s cousin tgay. I agree that 3 year olds have poor impulse control and probably just assumed the cakes were up for grabs. It is unfair to call a 3 year old a bully too. They are still learning social conventions at 3

However, OP, I stand by my earlier comment that the mother was very rude, and it's not at all bad to be annoyed by her. I mean, I wouldn't go handing her an invoice, as that's obviously an overreaction, but when you've poured yourself into an event, it's also not unreasonable to be furious when it feels like someone's undermining it.

That said, it sounds like your daughter had a wonderful time; that most of the guests brought lovely cards; and that you now have an anecdote that will be very amusing when F is 14 and trying to grow a beard and comes lumbering into your house six feet tall and awkward. At least that's what happened when the wild kid from my own fourth birthday (who somehow got ahold of the garden hose and made a giant mud puddle for us to jump in along the side of the house) grew up and came over to hang out: my mother teased him mercilessly.