Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

What a weird assumption about my character given judged by absolutely nothing I’ve said whatsoever

if a parent told me about a 3 year old behaving badly at another child’s party and the parent not paying for the kid etc I literally could not give less of a shit apart from to think the gossiping parent was a gossip. What other people do at parties is of zero consequence to me and it sounds like this kid was a pain in the arse but not enough of an issue to go on some weird political campaign smearing their name

@itsgoingtobeabumpyride

Another fine example of women supporting women on MN 🙄

i don’t support posters simply because they are female. I support if i agree with them

if someone started telling me this about another parent… i would walk away.

Some people are rude. Don't invite them again.

When my daughter celebrated her 5th birthday party, two kids attended with her mums (two separate families), who they hadn't even bothered to RSPV, so I didnt even know they were coming. one of them brought a sibling too. When we went home and my DD opened her presents and cards, only two hadn't brought anything, guess who? These two. I was fuming that two different people were so rude as to show up to a party they hadn't even bothered to respond and confirm attendance and that they came empty-handed, not even a card! This was a whole class party and there was plenty of food and some spare party bags so that was not an issue. But it was very annoying.

I didn't say anything because what would have achieved apart from akwardness? I wouln't invite those kids to anything ever again, I want nothing to do with these type of rude people, responding and a card cost nothing!

Agree I wouldn’t be spreading shit about the guilty parent. Everyone will be wise to them anyway soon enough, and it makes you look bitchy. You may have to spend years with this group of parents and you never know, crap party parent could have their strengths or be a friend one day. The grabbiest, most aggressive child in my DDs class aged 4 blossomed into the polite, academic high flyer playing a viola solo at the leaving assembly aged 12. He needed to be allowed to change and grow. Don’t write people off and keep your powder dry is what I learned from the primary school years.

Sorry, I haven't RTFT but you have made the correct decision to let things go OP.

I do think it was bad form of the mother not to pay for the extra meal. There is a small chance she didn't realise. Not everyone reads messages very carefully, people very often just skim. Of course this is not your fault, but it is better to let these small things go even though they're annoying just for the sake of getting along with people.

Regarding F's behaviour - he is very young still and hopefully will improve as he grows older. It is very probably not the case here, but just a heads up for the future that some children find it more difficult than others to exhibit 'good' behaviour. It does depend on parenting but that's just one of the things that has an impact. Trauma or conditions such as adhd, autism etc make it more difficult for children (and their parents). I know this from experience. I have 3 children, one has asd, diagnosed aged 10. When he was 3 (and we still had no idea about the autism) he was much more difficult to manage than his siblings were at the same age. The usual parenting strategies just didn't work. In public I would sometimes have to let things go rather than deal with them (eg behaviour like taking an extra cupcake). The other parents probably didn't realise the type of meltdown that would ensue if I intervened and while that was okay at home if necessary I really wouldn't have wanted to disrupt a child's party. I learned to choose my battles.

I have felt the disapproving glances over the years - disapproval both of his behaviour and my parenting - mainly because my child has a disability that is invisible. As I say, this may not be relevant at all in this case, it's very probably not, but just something to be aware of. Some children just are much easier to parent than others and people who haven't experienced this may not realise.

I would definitely let it go and chalk it up to experience. I haven't had this problem at parties but I have been surprised by the awful manners of children on playdates. I let it upset me a few times a day have now learnt from that and am more equipped to deal with it. I generally have really low expectations and adopt a glass half full mindset, rather than getting upset by behavioural issues. With parties, I generally cater for one or two extras and just factor this in with my planning and budget. Something I've also learnt is not to be afraid of being firm with other people's children- it often works and sets a clear boundary. However it may not have worked in this instance!

I think your reaction is a bit OTT. Invoice them for the meal? Was it lobster? Come on! When you have parties, some kids are angels, some are shits and the majority are just in between. People inevitably bring siblings due to childcare issues, others turn up to get out of the house and free food. I would never behave the way that Mother did and I always make a point of saying goodbye and thank you, and send a text saying ‘Emily had a wonderful time!’ even if she didn’t. They’ll all be starting school next September and will probably never see each other again. If F ends up going to the same school, don’t invite him.

You are being ridiculous. He was a child and children can behave badly at parties as they get over excited. He ate food he shouldn’t have and you are up all night about it? I think telling parents they can bring siblings but they have to buy their food separately is off anyway. Did you really only cater cupcakes for the exact number of kids? I always over cater at a party because the unexpected does happens and I would have had a spare goody bag or two in case of extra guests. You can’t treat the siblings/cousins as not being part of the event if you invite them.

Settle in, OP! Primary party politics are bonkers and there will be many more instances that will leave you a bit open mouthed, I'm sure!

Just don't invite them again, chalk it up to experience, know we've all been there and, most importantly, let it go.

My two boys are adults now,but speaking from experience you always get one child at a party that is a complete PITA in my experience. But if my kids enjoyed their party, it was just a few hours to deal with for me, I can’t say I genuinely enjoyed their parties tbh. Once they got to 10, we let them chose somewhere they would like to go away to for a weekend, rather than have a party. Just forget the bad manners and don’t invite them next year!

Just don't invite them next time. It's really not worth losing sleep over.

As I said, he wasn't a sibling but a cousin

I also think you need to get over this. It's not important. Maybe F's mum was childcare for the cousin and had no choice to bring them? In lots of families cousins are like siblings and childcare is shared.

Let me get this straight. We have here an OP who clearly has an issue with fixating on negatives, and your idea of ‘women supporting women’ is to present her with a neat summary of all the negative comments made to her on this thread?

Sorry OP, the more you interact with other families and children the more you see just how some people live their lives. To be honest it's the parent/guardian of this child who I blame for his behaviour - even if he has some other diagnosis which makes him behave this way, whoever takes him to places is still responsible for him when he is out! The reality is that not every parent can afford even a basic party for their child, but that doesn't mean they get to spoil everyone else's either. I'd try to chalk this one up to experience and not invite that family again, while that might sound harsh you also don't HAVE to invite anyone you don't want to a party/event. As your child gets older you might find you invite less people anyway, as she gets to now more people/become better friends with some than others.

If you had told me this I might well have had doubts about the other parent but I would most certainly have avoided you from then on in. No one likes a shit stirrer.

she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...)

I can think of several families I’ve worked with where adult siblings (usually sisters but not always) support each other so extensively with childcare that the cousins grow up in what are to all intents and purposes sibling relationships. It’s a very common model across several cultures, including some white working-class communities. There are quite a lot of things in your post that I would encourage you to let go of, this being one of them.

You are definitely overthinking this. Yes F mother sounds flaky and a taker but out of 10 families you are likely to find one whose values differ to yours, especially if the dc are used to mixing with older children. Presumably there were still enough food and cupcakes so he did not do any invited child out of theirs. You could have given the messed cupcakes instead of the one to take home.

Let it go. At the time I would have said something to the parent (not so much the paying bit but the grabbing and pushing), but I know what it's like managing these parties!
Whole class parties are tricky.

Oh OP, you’re going to need to develop a much thicker skin if you’re letting minor irritations like this keep you awake at night. It was a poorly behaved but v young child and you’ll discover that lots of parents haven’t a clue how to manage their child’s behaviour. The fact she got lumbered bringing his 8yr old cousin along suggests that their family dynamics might be causing her issues too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Buckle up kid because school is a whole other ball game and you’ll be enraged by the nepotism, general unfairness, fighting and the constant falling out that will occur.

I recommend practicing serenity and learn to accept that other people’s parenting doesn’t have to impact on yours. I know it’s a cliché but you need to let things like this go, for your own mental well-being. Save your annoyance for the more serious stuff.

You seem like a good person OP. And I don't know why you've attracted criticism

I'd personally drop the mum a breeze text saying "hope you had a lovely time. Just to let you know that I think you forgot to pay for the cousin meal before you left, I paid for it so shall I give u my bank details or would you prefer to give the cash if so just pop in nursery bag" or something to that efdect

I personally wouldn’t say anything op but I’d definitely mark their card as never invited again!

Not polite of them
Not paying for the cousins food or even saying
Thankyou at the end of the party is rude
Theres also nothing stopping F making a card

No don’t do that! Say nothing at all but of course bitch away in private to your Dh / mum then put on a breezy kind face to the other parents so everyone thinks you are nice and easy going (even if you aren’t) and your kid gets more invites. Play the long game 😀

Put this down to experience and don't invite this child again . I would make the next party guests only and not have parents bring other uninvited children even if they pay for them as you always have CF that take the piss.

Think of it this way. If someone offered you £10 or £20 to find out who were the cheeky bastards in the class, then you would pay it. Now you know.