Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

To me, this was a parent problem not a child one. F is 3, it’s very harsh to call him a pushy, grabby bully. Three year olds are still learning social skills. Throw a party into the mix ( which is pretty exciting for them) and chaos can ensue. The problem here was his mum who should have been on hand to remove him from the situation when he was displaying bad behaviours. The 8 year old probably had absolutely no idea that he wasn’t invited and wasn’t allowed food unless it was paid for as extra. Again, a parent/ adult failing. I wouldn’t say anything. Friendships and classes change, children generally develop better social skills as they get older, even the ones who seemed a bit challenging at aged 3. A thank you from the adults is good manners , from 3 year olds it is a bit of a stretch. In the next 10-15 years you will encounter all manner of children and their parents. So learning to relax a little will only benefit you.

Let it go.you are just at thr start of thr school journey and believe me, there will be other times you are fuming at injustice / rudeness etc. It rarely works out well to confront another parent, and jn time this issue will fade and you will be glad you didn't pursue it.

But it wasn't a rant. A rant would be a totally reasonable complaint that some children are a bit feral and some parents are shit at managing it. Which is annoying. And loads of people would have agreed.

This is next level hand-wringing, ascribing motivation to pre-schoolers, worrying about next steps and claiming everything is ruined. That mind of obsession isn't healthy and if a few direct posts help OP to realise that it will help her more in the end.

I agree the behaviour from both the cousin and F’s mum was poor and very rude.

However you didn’t address it at the time which is why you are fuming now. Had you said something to the mum about paying for the meal, been assertive with the child over the cakes and bag you’d feel better now.
I couldn’t stop myself having a word with the mum at some point. It’s not directly her child so I would say “ goodness x was a handful on Saturday, is he always like that? We did say that only invitees could join in with the party food and there he was. Must be hard work at home.”
It gives her a chance to apologise and tell you about said cousins ADHD etc and you can put it to bed.

People who bring an 8yo to a party of nursery kids absolutely should ensure they don't dominate and free load.
The parent didn't do that and the fact the child reacted badly to a calm and normal no to wanting a cup cake suggests that parenting him doesn't include much use of limits on his wishes.

Op, it was crap free loading behaviour from a lax parent. Defo reasonable to be pissed off.

But not with bringing up, someone who does that isn't going to see the issue, won't care and likely will cause a stink in retaliation.

Absolutely give that family a wide berth in future.

Ooh you’re going to have fun when your child is at school.

In a class of 18 there will always be one (or two) piss takers. Idiotic parents who stare at their precious baby while the said “baby”, aged 5 or 6, punches all the other kids at the party one by one, visibly annoys the entertainers, tears down the decorations and makes a mess with the food. You will meet many more of them in the next few years.

It is not worth stewing over at 3am.

I had this once. So rude of the parents (the child presumably didn’t know any different) and made me really stressed at the party as it skewed all the numbers. I’d probably have stewed at 3am too but I would not say anything, just don’t invite again.

Just don't invite them again!

I honestly don't understand what would possess you to think of invoicing them.

Be more gracious and move on. It's £10 fgs.

I'd just put the word out about her so everyone else is aware. She's sown her seeds, let her reap the rewards.

Absolute peak MN this

Honestly, one preschooler didn't display perfect manners at a party for preschoolers. I think you may need to prepare yourself.

This really. ^

You’d really do that? “Put the word out” about a child nicking an extra cupcake.

that would make you look bitchy and petty, not any bad reflection on the party mum

oh ignore nonsense like this 🙄

I am never keen on parties when there are much older siblings there- it often really changes the dynamic particularly if they dominate so I would be a bit narked at someone bringing an 8yo cousin. If I had to take my 7yo to my 4yo’s party due to childcare, I’d have no expectations of her joining in. I’d bring a book or a tablet and she’d just have to wait unless she was specifically invited. Both of mine have had to spend time sitting around at each others activities so used to killing time.

But, I think your reaction is disproportionate. Mildly annoyed is fine, stewing at 3am isn’t really. You have to be watching the kids like a hawk at parties especially once they start being dropped off and you are in charge. You always need someone to be aware of what is happening and can’t just be milling around with the food. It was daft to give into the screeching kid and reward him with a cake.

Id also say smaller parties have often been my children’s favourites. I also say this with kindness (and not to be snarky) but in my experience you’ve got to be pretty chilled out and also pretty confident dealing with kids behaviour to manage a whole class party (the bouncy castle in a hall job). I find those ones overwhelming don’t do them. I go for organised activities with a max of about 20, often smaller. I’d think really carefully next year about what sort of party you pick. Single venue is much easier than bigger public ones as are the places that count you in at the door.

You’re going to need a thicker skin OP, and a bit of a scarier demeanour. Kids’ parties can be horrendous. There will always be parents who bring other kids along and expect them to be included, there will always be kids who cant behave. I’ve been at parties that descended into food fights or just feral running around.

I think some understanding is helpful - some parents will be stuck for childcare, some (as you rightly appreciated) will be skint, some kids have special needs, and even if they don’t, if no one has taught them how to behave it’s not really their fault as a young child. At the same time though you can have a firm no-nonsense approach. Loud voice on, “excuse me love, this is a party for 3-year-olds, so you can’t sit there, where’s your parent/come over here and give me a hand if you like/come on there’s a chair here you can sit in” etc, don’t just let it happen. Out of control behaviour like grabbing cakes, take the child firmly by the hand and lead to their parent, saying loudly “i need to do the party bags so can’t look after X, there you go” or ideally arrange it so grabby 3-yos can’t reach what you’re doing. You get better at this.

I used to hate it and lie awake at night afterwards sweating that I might have upset someone or fucked up somehow but I got tougher!

I also used to pack a few extra party bags for siblings I knew to expect, and a few activities like colouring and washable tattoos to keep older ones occupied. Rope in older siblings to help you or do things for the little ones.

Best tip is to bring a teacher if you know one. My DS had a friend whose dad was a teacher, he could silence 20 hyper 5 yos and get their attention in seconds. Oh and if all else fails play gangnam style, they all start jumping up and down and you can get stuff done.

When my three DC's had parties (they are older now) and I was managing the event, even if parents were there I still took charge and did a bit of behaviour control. I made sure my parents were focussing on my DC (I was a single parent) and just took it as a given that if shit happened I was the one to deal with it. I placed food I was bothered about (like your cupcakes) up high or kept it in bags and doled it out. I would place the invited children onto tables so I could check we had enough and then hand out any leftover food to siblings etc. If anyone was pushing or shoving they would get a firm no and be redirected to another activity. Once a little lad punched another so I took him over to his parent and said 'He has just punched X' and let them sort him out.

I think you know OP that you could have taken more control and been more assertive in this situation and are directing your frustration at the CF family. It's a lesson learnt.

‘Verbose’ was me. It means ‘using more words than necessary’ and I stand by it as a factual description of OP’s posts.

Yes, some posters have been a bit shitty but the overwhelming consensus of the thread is that if the OP doesn’t address her obsessive perfectionism she is going to ruin every major event of her daughter’s childhood. She has an opportunity now to address her catastrophising but the window to do so before her DD starts to notice and be affected by her mother’s negativity is narrow, and closing all the time.

Of course, you have done much the same by scrolling through a thread to quote the negatives and ignore the more encouraging posts so perhaps your worldview is similar to OP.

Every kids party has a cheeky fucker. My story was a dad who brought 2 more siblings who cleared the party food and they took other childrens party bags so all children had less food and two, including a child who had very little in her life, had no party bag to take home. I stewed on that for a while!

As others have said, some people are just takers and thoughtless. I don't suppose they get many return invitations.

you didn’t address it at the time which is why you are fuming now

Yes, this.

F’s parent sounds rude and useless. Nothing you can do about it now so just move on- don’t invoice them or have a word or whatever else or people will think you are insane.

No, I'd let everyone know that she turns up with uninvited children, doesn't pay for them, doesn't acknowledge the birthday child, and lets the children she brings run amok and bully other children. Basically that she's rude and shouldn't be invited anywhere as they all have no manners.

But I suppose you are one of those that think your child should never be told no and allowed to do what it likes as well then?

@Walkingtheplank how do you know they took them? If you saw them, don’t you just say “ sorry they are for invited guests not siblings”.
If you didn’t see them who was saying goodbye and giving out the bags?

I invited one sibling and the mother turned up with three others. Absolute cheek of it but as has been said upthread; kids’ parties can be brutal affairs. There will always be some sort of piss take x

On the Richter scale of birthday party bad behaviour, this is pretty mild. We still have noticeable damage to our kitchen ceiling from a DC's memorable 6th birthday bash. Consider yourself warned ...

It does get easier with experience though. The best party I’ve been to at that age was a 4yo that was the third child. The parents had everything 100% under control, it was calm and actually the nicest, party I’ve been to (it was 95% girls though which probably made a difference). I was sat there was a glass of Prosecco wondering why it was so much more civilised than pretty much every other party I’d ever been to.