Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

I wouldn't bother. He got his disgraceful behaviour from somewhere...

Just don't invite him anywhere again.

Sometimes we try to do something nice & it backfires, unfortunately.

You tried to cater for all children (and even invited siblings!) Which is very nice but unfortunately a hard lesson was learned.

I did an 'all class' party before, in our local sports hall, 2 x bouncy castles, food (Harry Potter theme) and I really put alot of effort in. My husband was on the bigger castle with the bigger kids, having a great old time (he's a big kid himself and loves getting involved in sports & play).
Well the next day, a grandmother came up to me (in the school line, in front of all the other parents) and said that her grandson said my husband hit him on the bouncy castle.
This turned into a huge affair of cameras being checked, my husband being devastated to be accused of such a thing.
In the end it blew over after some phone calls between hubby & child's mother but I will NEVER invite the whole class again if I don't know the parents.

Unfortunately we don't know how some parents will act (in the case of J's mam) or also how children will act (in the case of J).

We do these things and then in hindsight realise, actually 18 kids is alot of work!

For both our boys, we now just invite close friends.
10 yr old had 6 friends over for pizza on his birthday and let me tell you, 6 x 10 yr old boys is more than enough 😅

6 yr old had a garden party with around 6 friends & cousins; we had 13 children in total and again... that was enough!

At playschool age, it's hard not to invite whole class as you don't want to leave out a little boy/girl and they are very young to be excluded. So maybe next year leave off the siblings and hope J doesn't go 🙈

I would never let my DC behave this way unchecked but you are 100% being wayyyyyy over the top about this.

This child did not ruin your child's birthday and if he has, then the fact he was able to do that is completely down to you.

We all love our DC and want things to be perfect but kids learn appropriate behaviour over time and they learn genuine empathy long after they learn to act the part.

You really do need to give your head a wobble. People are right to say you are over reacting and that is a good thing because it means the situation wasn't as bad as you currently think it is!

There are 14 of each sex in each class.
We get invited to about 10 same sex parties and 1-2 opposite sex parties per child. About 4 of same sex don’t have parties.

I am aware of which children are having a birthday (thus potential party) per month because the school publishes who is having a birthday in the monthly bulletin. Generally the parents talk about their children’s party plans too (same and opposite sex).

It may not be common elsewhere but it is quite common in our particular school.

You get to know the cheeky ones. Don't invite them again. FWIW when my eldest turned 8, I was aghast at the behaviour of many of the boys at his party (post covid and had assumed they'd all be much more mellow by that age 🥴 - silly me). Very nice and well behaved boys on their own (or with their parents) but in a group setting - totally feral. I needed a large glass of wine after that party. 8 is still quite young in the grand scheme of things so i'd forgive the child - but not the rudeness of the parent/aunt.

I agree OP does not sound privileged or uptight . She saved money for a party and there is nothing wrong with that. The cousin was 8 I'd be pretty mad but I think I would have said so at the time but I also can understand op being in the middle of a party and not confronting it at the time.

I think the way you're talking about a 3 year old is a tiny bit mean, they're only babies...but I get what you are saying. So i think the mum is just unaware, and of course she should have offered for the cousin but to be honest she just might be lacking in social awareness. I've had lots of parties for mine but you have to be laid back about parties because it honestly gets worse. I recently invited the whole class to my older child's party at a venue. Half bothered to reply, then 6 turned up anyway, 4 had siblings. Madness. Luckily i mentioned it to the party planner woman and gave her a list of kids. She kindly called out their names before they went into the side room. So that's a good tip to do in future. Also, as a future tip, ALWAYS take bags of party rings and chocolate fingers and wotsits, and put them in your own paper bowls dotted around the table. The venue won't mind, and the kids tuck in alongside their meals, plenty of extra then.

Hes THREE year old people.

He hasn't learned great social skills yet.

Probably at a big birthday party for the first time, surround by excitement... 'possibly' even has any of the dozens of disabilities that aren't diagnose at pre-school age (although he might not, crying for a cake he can see but can't have isn't wildly unusual for a THREE year old to the point it indicated SN).

Its absoloutly mumsnet gold that people think a 4 year old not playing calmly in a big group and crying for cake is ASBO level behavior from a clearly scummy reprobate family lol.

I'm also curious how OP knows the older kid is a cousin?

Non of my primary school kids friends parents have ever met my older DS.

You also have blended families where a half sibling only visits on weekends etc... I highly doubt this woman walked in and declared 'I have brough Harry my DS COUSIN not sibling' but either which way OP had INVITED people to bring other children in her convoluted novel length invite.

You do realise that by giving the cupcake when he screamed you’re just rewarding his behaviour? So he’s going to continue to do that in the future?

His mother obviously does the same but you should have held a boundary here.

So true...my boys party was the same..feral...Lord of the Flies stuff..

And this is why we don’t invite boys. They can’t be trusted to behave.

He hasn't learned great social skills yet.

Of course not. He's practically a baby and like you said, maybe even his first party.

But that's what his mother is for. Stepping in to help him and set him straight.And she didn't. Why not? And there's your problem.

Result = he acted like a brat.

*You do realise that by giving the cupcake when he screamed you’re just rewarding his behaviour? So he’s going to continue to do that in the future?

His mother obviously does the same but you should have held a boundary here.*

I wouldn't worry about it OP

With all the hellish juggle of a kids party, don't add teaching boundaries to random kids you barely know, to your list.

Put it down to experience and move on. And managing a party of small kids can be challenging enough without inviting different aged siblings (unless you’re friends with one or two parents in particular). No need to invite siblings, you’re just stacking the deck against things going smoothly.

Think there are three issues here:

a) If you want to have whole class parties with pre-schoolers you will encounter a range of behaviours and needs. Think you need to roll with this and try to be accepting of developmental differences if you want to be inclusive. Children have different capacities and this is quite often due to things like neurological differences rather than parental competence (however much some of us would like to pretend otherwise...).
b) Whole class parties also throw-up differences in etiquette around responding to invites and gift giving. IMO not worth hosting if you are going to lose sleep over this.
c) If you encounter cheeky behaviour on the day, think it is fair enough to call that out.

Perhaps you just are temperamentally unsuited to the hazards of large scale hosting? (I know I am).

Not a free meal and an extra cupcake!

These things happen OP you can’t invoice everyone.

It happens
Don't invite again
You will always get unruly children and CF'ers
Sitting up in the middle of the night stewing over it is a bit OTT

Maybe birthday party hosting is not your bag

And this is why we don’t invite boys. They can’t be trusted to behave.

All boys??? 🙄

Yes, because all the little princesses are perfectly behaved...

What a horrible thing to say

And this is why we don’t invite boys. They can’t be trusted to behave.

🙄🤦‍♀️

I had the daughter of a coworker about 11 at my then 4 year olds party. She snuck off and smeared cake under the duvets in our beds and our sofa. Pushed small children off a water slide. I still invite girls to her parties. Bad behavior has no gender

@momonpurpose

Did you invoice the mother for smear damage?!

I bet they just didn't read all of the note because it sounds utterly ridiculous which would explain the 8 year old cousin.

I agree with pp's that if you invite an entire class, it's likely that not all of them are going to be perfect angels. Especially when they are only 3.

Is this your first child OP? I ask because at some point, you are going to have to let this kind of reaction go. Lying awake at 3am because some kid was rude at your daughter's party is an overreaction, sorry. There will be many more infractions in the course of your child's school years - if you get this het up about all of them, it's going to be a stressful time for you.

I’ve had this happen, I’m now quite bolshy and have asked parents to take uninvited children out of the room at meal time, a simple “the food will be ready soon so anyone with siblings may want to go and order their food now” is adequate and they also never get a party bag, only invited kids do. You learn from it, it’s happened to most people! Don’t invite again. You can’t invoice someone, it something to deal with at the time or you just have to leave it