Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

@Anonymouse2019 I know that feeling of stewing over something at stupid o'clock in the middle of the night. I call times like these "dark nights of the soul." But they do fade. And just letting the whole thing go is the right thing to do IMHO - anything else is just likely to prolong the agony.

I hope you feel a bit better now

Not sure why that's such a weird concept, both my primary school and high school were divided into "Boys" and "Girls" with separate entrances. One was two entirely different buildings separated by a road but the same school with the same teachers, one was the same building with just separate Boys and Girls entrances and segregated inside.

Mixed now, but separated in the past.

I've not trawled through all the pages but F's family is rough-arsed and if that's 'judgemental' to some so be it. Personally I would have told the cousin to leave the table at the beginning and go to his Aunt.

It is really annoying, but there really is always one, and often more.

Every person you will ever meet will have a few personal stories about primary school birthday party guests. And when they get to secondary they will long for those simple, parent controlled days again...

No one says she shouldn't be annoyed, BUT

Stewing at 3am! Calling a 3 year old rude grabby bully over a cupcake? Thinking of invoicing £10. That is clearly an overreaction !

Such an extreme reaction to what should be a minor annoyance at most is concerning.

It's not an extreme reaction - people post about stuff to get it off their chest. She hasn't actually retaliated in any way.

@Myfabby it's fairly clear from the op's post that she isn't actually going to do any of those things.

Also to people asking about food, I imagine it could only be one of two things:

1. its a buffet, which doesn't matter really they all have loads of food left over unless you under-catered. Give the kid a sandwhich and handful of crisps.

Or as I suspect

2. a soft play party that is a meal per party guest (usually cold pizza and chips or nuggets). My DS has been to a dozen of these in the last year of nursery and reception... seems parents end up picking at and eating most of the meal as the kids are too hyped and its just going in the bin.

If my 15 year old was there hes far more likely to eat it than my 5 year old... its paid for and going to waste so why not.

OP says she noticed towards the end he was eating it (not that he rushed in first and grabbed a plate) they only make as many as the OPs confirmed and paid for guests so obviously he is eating the left overs.

she said it was an injustice. That is extreme.

We still talk about the little shit that came to one of our kids parties and started breaking their toys on purpose. The mum just dumped him on us, left, and came to pick him up over an hour late and never even apologised. He never got invited again, and the other kids never invited him.

Such an extreme reaction to what should be a minor annoyance at most is concerning.

Oh Give over. " concerning " That's so patronising.

OP's PFB
First Ever Party
With respect didn't sound like she really knows the ropes
Tried really hard
Tried to make it "perfect"

Enter shit show rude mum with big cousin and wayward guest.

It's a shock. That's it!

God alive she's upset and brooding as we all do sometimes in the middle of the night.

I'd bet a tenner you're not really 'concerned 'at all.

@Anonymouse2019 some people just parent differently - you know now not to invite them again, and be thankful it's so early on in their years.

My friend has kids who she lets run quite wild and they would be exactly the type to go eat the foods like this or spoil things for others (unintentionally). Both have ADHD but my friend has the view that kids should be kids and lets them do as they like so they go everywhere, even high end restaurants, and behave the same. She's well educated, comes from a good background, but it's just her style really. Some dont mind (mainly those who know them) but it's very noticeable at other parties.

she said it was an injustice. That is extreme.

It would be extreme if she invoiced or wrote a note,yes.

Her feelings, after her first kids party, are probably not. I remember being in a literal heap after some of mine.

She's used MN to let off steam. Good on her.

By next year she'll be harder, wiser and probably a lot more cynical like the posters on here.

Stop criticising OP for her feelings.

What a disgusting way to speak about a nursery aged child.

I wouldn’t say anything. Lesson leaned to never invite again. The child hasn’t been taught manners , do you really think looking to what’s men’t to be the good influence in the kids life is going to do any good .
Its not worth the bad feeling at the school for £10.
Be annoyed but let it drop.

What a disgusting way to speak about a nursery aged child.

Yes, OP should have said " he behaved in a bullying and brattish way" of course, but you know. 🤷‍♀️

Omg will you give it a rest.

I know this is the process because I see the mothers on 10 occasions throughout the week at drop off and pick up. I also see the at extracurricular, birthday parties and other occasions during the month.

The parties where opposite sex show up are invariably over the summer etc whenever people are on holiday and this numbers drop.

The comments are along the lines of “we were able to invite a couple of the boys/girls because there weren’t many about”

I have an understanding of reality, not bizarre thought processes.

The comments are along the lines of “we were able to invite a couple of the boys/girls because there weren’t many about”
That's such a weird way to think about it though. That you are only "allowed" to defy convention and invite boys to a girl's party if some of the girls are on holiday.

It sounds like this might not be an isolated incident (in terms of people who take, take, take) and this is the straw that has broke the camel's back? I say that because I am the same way 😂I'm constantly mouthing off about ungratefulness, rudeness, chancery etc but that's only if it has happened a lot in my week. Forgive this armchair psychiatrist if I am wrong.

Maybe we have been lucky.

But all the kids get on really well.

For DC their best friends are the same sex and beyond this the rest of a class is on an equal par.

Somewhere along the line one person took the lead on boys or girls parties and everyone else took the lead. Seemed fairest when they all get on, so that they all get party invites.

The comments are along the lines of “we were able to invite a couple of the boys/girls because there weren’t many about”

But this is bizarre!

No wonder all your children stick to friends of their own sex, you positively encourage that to be the case!

This would play on my mind too, OP. She was so rude but it’s not worth taking up any more of your energy. These people aren’t worth losing sleep over as we’ll come across similar types throughout our lives sadly! Clock it up to experience and keep them at arms length.

Don't do any of those things. Just make sure not to invite F to any more parties or playdates and move on. These things happen, yes some people don't parent their children properly, but you can't really do anything about that unless you're close to them. Presume that eventually, when the child gets no invites beyond a first, that the parents will twig, or a close friend/family member with point it out.

It is a risk to invite a load of people you don't know. You couldn't know in advance how well-behaved or otherwise the kids would be. You didn't know all the parents. So it was a risk that you were prepared to take. On the face of it, it does sound like a good outcome that the vast majority of people were respectful and behaved well. That there was one set that didn't behave so well is not too bad a result and shouldn't over-shadow everything else. That you invited a whole class means you did take that risk. You aren't unreasonable to be a bit irritated, but it's unreasonable to be lying there fuming all night long and over-focussing on one family when mostly the occasion was a success.

'I see the mothers on 10 occasions throughout the week at drop off and pick up. I also see the at extracurricular, birthday parties and other occasions during the month.'

So do I and almost every mother of primary school aged children... I'm not privy to 30 different families birthday invite lists. I find it interesting you know the invite protocols when your kid doesn't even get invited to half of these parties. You know what all 30 families do in detail but only attend approx. 9 parties (according to you).

YOU do it, not everyone does.

You posted as if it was fact in your first post and people pointed out its actually not even common. When questioned you said it was policy but when pointed out thats illegally you admit its actually not. Its something you made up in your own head and when called out on how discriminatory it is (by multiple people) you have doubled down with 'everyone does it' but even that doesn't make an ounce of sense.

You have sexist tenancies, they have been pointed out. Maybe they aren't deliberate, lots of people only know the way they where personally raised but instead of an awakened moment you are trying to convince everyone that thats normal for everyone.

You are trying to dig out of a hole and getting deeper, every post looks worse and makes LESS sense, its not 'proving' your point.