Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

But the worst thing was we had to stop adults (some seemed to bring the entire family, not just older siblings) who stayed from ploughing into the food that was being put on the long table the kids were eating at.

When dd2 was little, some of the children she went to school with had snooty, entitled businessman fathers who thought they could start talking to my mum like she was a waitress at her own granddaughters birthday party. 'Excuse me, is there coffee and biscuits on the go? Can you bring it over there..' she was so annoyed!

Oh sorry - I misread it!

I completely empathise with this (as I posted upthread).
It's been my experience too.
My DC also has asd but we didn't know that when he was three.

I very much agree.

Look, this is really annoying but you do need to grow a thicker skin. This was your kids party and if they had a nice time that’s all that matters.

Once in the parenting game you will meet people from all walks of life and some will not have your level of social awareness. Their children will also not have adult levels of etiquette. You need to chalk it up to experience … and recognise that you are quite privileged compared to some. Not being able to sleep because a 3 year old ruined some frosting on a cup cake is something to let go of.

It’s not good that the parent brought the cousin along but it was something you would’ve needed to say when they arrived, now I would let this go.

F is obviously too young to be diagnosed but these behaviours could be typical of neurodiversity eg autism.

It wouldn’t be right to exclude F if you were inviting a whole class party, but you might need to explicitly say only the classmate is welcome.

Part if the parcel when having a party I'm afraid and I agree it's infuriating ! I would of pulled the parent at the time and wouldn't invite them again as this behaviour is likely to get worse as they get older

Op honestly, life is long and if you’re awake stewing about this at 3am you’re going to find it tough. Especially as you encounter more of other people’s kids as yours get older.

park that in the rude and irritating pile. Honestly in terms of “injustice” it’s not really that high on any list of injustices I can imagine.

And if people make posts about that, they are shot down on here for being judgemental. But I agree with you. Seen it over and over and I don't have kids.

@Geneve82

I can see now rereading what you’ve pointed out how it may have come across that it was the schools policy.

It is more of an unwritten policy amongst the mothers that has developed.

Appears to be whole class party (which only occurred up until the start of yr 1), or single sex party, or where turn out is poor add friends of opposite sex to make up numbers.

Oh and OP put what you want on your invites.

Some posters on MN think they are the last word on everything.

@Geneve82

Kids attend catholic primary.

When they go to secondary level they will go to separate schools - a catholic boys school and a catholic girls school.

I think this is horrible and a few folks have said it. This was a 3 year old child. I can’t imagine saying well they can’t come again and excluding them. Sure it wasn’t ideal but it’s so punitive and cruel to exclude one child from a whole class party for this. Yes it wasn’t ideal. Yes it was rude, but fuck me it was some food.

totally normal

so single sex schools

NOT “segregated” 😂 which would imply one school that “segregates” girls and boys

are you seriously saying @Muddybooties that in a class of 33…. every single parent follows this party rule and has done so every year?

It was annoying. Absolutely don't send a note. You will look like a deranged twit. Of course the child and adult were rude and in the wrong. Forget about it and don't invite them again.

This was overall my take away, but I think it’s that the daughter is first and only child. And that mother has high anxiety. And is also moving house, so there’s some degree of transference and blowing this tiny problem up into a bigger issue….

Ah ok, that makes sense, it’s such a non problem, there was clearly something else going on, as it is all so ott.

How condescending! People are allowed to be annoyed about something without being called deranged and hysterical. Does your child behave like this at parties? I do wonder why you are defending it.

And it's perfectly ok not to invite a child again if their parent and family is rude.

In fact, I would say that continuing to invite people like this is actually reinforcing their bad behaviour.

@Geneve82

The kids are still in the same parish, but schooling is divided/segregated on the basis of sex into two secondary schools that are associated with the same church.

Yep @Geneve82 whole class for reception, part the way through yr 1 it goes to single sex, maybe inviting 1-2 of opposite sex at most, then about age 9 goes to inviting best friends to bowling/cinema.

@Geneve82 there are of course kids that don’t have birthday parties inviting school pals due to the cost or only have 1-2 “big” parties throughout primary… of the set that has annual parties the previously described etiquette applies.

Such an extreme reaction to what should be a minor annoyance at most is concerning.

How do you know that though?

Seems like you are making wild assumptions that all the mixed parties which you now admit ARE happening is because you think the kid was 'unpopular' with their own sex... or maybe they just invited their friends of BOTH sexes, nothing to do with 'bulking numbers'. In fact logically they just invited both sexes in smaller numbers not 'they couldn't get enough kids to come'.

Honestly your thought processes are bizarre (and say a LOT about ingrained sexism).

Also how utterly rude would it be to go to kids not long before the party and say 'hey the actual invited kids don't want to come so I guess you'll do to make up the numbers'... fuck me, no one would accept that rudeness.