Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

I don't understand the invite the whole class approach. Kids do not bear grudges (certainly not in the same way adults on here seem to!) So they won't care if they are invited to a party or not, esp if not particular friends with birthday child
Your child is 4. It won't remember this birthday. Why spend all that money and get all this unnecessary stress about the behaviour of a CF mum?
You will never get past s 7th birthday if you are this stressed

Was it a wordy invite? Tbh when DC get an invite I'm often managing 100 things and might only register the date and venue.

If there were paragraphs of polite wording about gifts and buffets I might not have read or registered them. If it's a long time between invite and party, or there are lots of parties in a short space of time, I might forget.

They sound rude but maybe they were partly oblivious to your rules. Either way I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

I disagree with that. Kids do notice if they aren't invited to something especially if invites are being handed out in class as they often are. I'm not saying they are overly upset about not going to the party, I think it's that sensation of being left out and not getting something when everyone else is. And kids do feel it, even small ones.

Op did the right thing to invite the whole class but she expected perfection and got her knickers in a twist over very normal party behaviour from a 3 year old. That was her mistake.

Agree that the invite was over the top too, I would have read it and thought wtf.

Parties are a pain in the arse and very stressful. My ds had one big, village hall type do the year he started primary and after that we stuck to small birthday teas with a few friends or days out. I think the op would do well to look at other options next year if she's going to be so highly strung about it all.

Just one of those thingd

everyone makes the mistake of a whole class invite once

then you learn

and never do it again

fwiw I always over catered at parties, including emergency party bags, just in case (just a piece of cake and some sweets, nothing elaborate)

you need to learn to relax a bit

Most of us have had a party like this. Let it go and don’t invite the girl again. No good will come of making a point about this. The other parents will have seen that child’s behaviour and will know to avoid the same mistake.

It happens. My 98 year old grandmother still remembers the birthday party she held for my dad when he was 5 and a neighbour’s child climbed all over the sofas with his shoes on, broke one of the birthday presents and threw food on the floor!

You never know what’s going on in other people’s lives and when I see things like this I feel annoyed but then just grateful it’s not my child.

The rest of it is normal? Bullying children, destroying cupcakes and screaming when they don't get their own way? My 8yr old doesn't behave ANYTHING LIKE this?? This behaviour is not ok. Please don't make excuses for your children @Commonhousewitch

Let this go honestly. Your first parties are a whole new experience but you will meet loads of people like these along the way in school.

If some of this went unnoticed, it’s hard to argue it ruined her party. Did it ruin it for her? Does she care that someone she doesn’t know didn’t say happy birthday? It’s crappy on their part and I would never invite the related child again, but did it actually ruin your daughters experience of her party, or did it just piss you off? As these are not the same thing!

It sounds annoying but just leave it and forget it about. It’s not worth your energy nor losing sleep!

I'm confused by this bit:

helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents.

Are you talking about snacks, like he was putting his hand in the popcorn bowl? In which case I assume they provided by you and not the venue, and not a big deal. Or was this child eating of the plates of other children? I can't picture this.

Next time don't mention presents at all. Also state that you cannot accommodate siblings. There are too many CF out there. Many may have interpreted this as bring as many siblings/child family members as you want and no need to bring a present for birthday girl.

You said the parent will get away with it.

in my experience the child stops being invited quite sharply and no more parties to ruin.

That is the payback for her inconsiderate actions.

The mother is rude but you are being way OTT. From your description there is no way your daughter’s birthday was ruined. The “ruined” refers to your experience of her birthday. You control your reactions & your reaction to a 3 year acting badly is OTT. As is listing trinkets in a party bag.

The mother should have paid more attention all around & had enough manners to thank you properly for the invite.

You being awake at 3am stewing about it and thinking of handing her a note (!!) is very unreasonable!

It’s frustrating but try to chalk it up as a lesson, we only ever did one whole class party and soon discovered the kids who would not get future invites. But even with that knowledge, we had a party for our 9 year old last year and only invited around 10 kids, and even then one invited child sat on his phone the whole time, distracting others at the party with it, then his mum said she had forgotten to bring the card/present but would drop it into us later that day….it never appeared!

You can expect this at every party now. It's the way people are,grabby and entitled.

Also in future years look out for :

• No shows with no explanation or apology
• Kids being flung out of cars and left even though it isn't a drop off/pick up party
• dietary requirements not being disclosed
• Property/coats 'accidently ' being taken.

All you can do is shake your head and smile , and thank God you have better values.

"privilege" is not any issue here. That's just a crap MN way to try and undermine you. If you've saved up for a party, you have a party.

Kids Parties are often just a shit fest and something to get through. You realise that as time goes on.

You've obviously put a great deal of thought into this party and good on you, I hope your LO enjoyed it. And despite everything I bet she did.

I've seen all sorts at kids parties over the years and for whatever reasons, this family seem like a shocker. Don't care what anyone else on here says. I would have been pissed off as well but heigh ho that's the way it goes.

Parties bring out the worst in some people but you got through it and I'm sure it was a success for everyone else. Truly you need to leave it there.

DO NOT WRITE A NOTE OR SPEAK TO THE MUM Please.

It is just not worth it. You won't/can't fix them. You'll just stir up a hornets nest of unneeded negativity. It is what it is. Just chalk it to experience.

All you can do is shake your head and smile , and thank God you have better values.

This

We had a full class party for our DDs 5th birthday recently at a soft play and it was a bit of a financial stretch for us. We had the following all relating to the same child:

No RSVP (I paid for a specific number of children and we had to squeeze an additional chair around the party table)

Mother was the only one who left their child at the party and didn't stay

Child wanted me to buy her a cake from the coffee shop (party food was provided)

Child asked me to take her to the toilet as the lit birthday cake was being carried out

Child took centre stage in photo with all the kids hugging the soft play mascot

Child came over several times crying about minor issues

I don't blame you for feeling annoyed OP, this child also ruined my enjoyment of the party. However, the most important thing is she didn't ruin the party for my DD who didn't even notice. Try not to focus on this. If you have photos of your child enjoying themselves at the party look back at these and remember the good parts. Even more importantly remind yourself that you have done the full class party once and never need to do it again!

sounds like a first world problem to me x

I think you've misunderstood. It was F, the three year old child, who OP describes as very badly behaved, grabbing cupcakes etc.
His cousin, who also attended, was eight years old. He sat down and ate some of the party meal. His aunt didn't pay extra for this which annoyed OP, but his general behaviour seems to have been fine otherwise as OP doesn't mention it.

Slightly different perspective here - my son (now 7) has ASD & ADHD. When he was 3 we didn’t know this and he was an absolute whirlwind and I didn’t know how to handle him as traditional discipline had no effect whatsoever. I’d often end up leaving parties and social situations holding back tears because I was so embarrassed by how he behaved and felt judged by other parents. The reality was that he was incredibly over-stimulated at parties and lack of impulse control meant waiting for things and party games were hard. He also had very poor speech and little awareness of where his body was in relation to other people/things so he got frustrated when he couldn’t communicate and came across as being too rough as he’d crash into people/things constantly and seek sensory input from touching things and people which was also too rough at times.
This child who behaved badly may be neurodivergent and taking a bit longer to learn social cues. He may have been seeking tactile sensory input when he saw the cakes and couldn’t resist. His mum may have known he was behaving badly but was feeling too flustered to deal with it effectively with an audience of other parents and didn’t realise the other child was taking food until it was too late. Maybe she was too mortified to say anything and just wanted to get the hell out of there so she could cry in her car. She may be hanging on by a thread struggling with every day life, so PLEASE bear this in mind before you decide speak to her or write a letter.
(of course they may just be rude, I just wanted to suggest this is a possibility as if someone had confronted me when my son was this age I would have been devastated and probably never taken him to a party or play date again)

WTF is an 8 year old doing coming to a party for 3 year olds? And his behaviour does not sound normal for his age. Screaming because he couldn't have a cupcake??

I hate people who turn up to parties with extra people and expect them to just be able to grab everything. It has happened to me as well.

It was the 3 year old screaming for a cuocake @MyopicBunny.