Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

I would send her a text/note explaining why you are unhappy, that it was all extremely bad manners, and her child won't be invited again.

Let rip a bit....I would!

This has got to go straight into the top 10 of PFB posts, surely! Were the invitations A4 size to fit all that bunf on them? 🤣

Yeah, this reply isn’t upright at all… 😵‍💫

The kid behaved badly. His mum didn’t call him on it. It’s not the cousin’s fault, he wouldn’t have known he wasn’t allowed anything.

Be cross with the mum, think she behaved badly, but let it go.

*Why I'm explaining myself like I'm in the Dock here I don't know...

Because you're quite defensive about the whole thing and finding it hard to get that shift of perspective. I don't think all of us pointing it out will help, as it's hard to get, but I hope it happens*

I agree... OP, you seem to be extremely defensive, and a bit aggressive to anyone who disagrees with you. I agree that it was bad manners on the mother's part. I am appalled at your attitude to the three year old child. I am amazed you are stewing over something so trivial at 3am... if you can't handle this, you will definitely struggle with parties later on! Honestly, just let it go.

Yeah, this reply isn’t upright at all… 😵‍💫

😁

Why did you give the child a cupcake? The right thing to do would be to firmly say no to the child and reiterate the no, not cave to him!

Because he was screaming his head off - she did it to shut him up .

Welcome to the world of kids parties OP. They are a bloody nightmare.

From reading this I think there was only 1 person in the wrong here and that it Fs mum. The cousin couldn't have known who paid for what and most kids even much older than 8 don't question who is footing the bill for anything they are given. F is not a bully just an undisciplined child, his extreme reaction when hearing 'no' proves this. I'll bet he doesn't get away with pushing or grabbing in school but is probably used to this in any other environment. Mum sounds like a waste of space. Just suck it up, rude ignorant people exist everywhere. If F is friends with your DD next year pls don't exclude him on the basis of his mum's behaviour. Just be very firm next time, anyone grabbing will have to be last etc. Ive also noticed kids can behave really bad at parties compared to other times so don't write him off.

This seems like quite a strong reaction, try and move on Rude behaviour from the mum but some people have no manner/don’t read the invite. Whole class parties can be a can of worms.

Don't host birthday parties if you can't deal with this kind of thing graciously. I can imagine this was annoying but it's also pretty standard birthday party behavior.

There's always one, not much you can do about it. I'd let it go, not worth the aggro really is it? In future, consider stating no siblings, or by arrangement (i.e. they mention it when rsvping and you can then come back and tell them that's fine, it's £x to add an extra child onto the party manifest, assuming it's at an event/party venue with price per head).

Bit harsh calling a kid that age a brat and a bully.

it’s not his fault he has shit parents.

Totally this:

“I understand the mum was cheeky af for bringing the cousin, not properly supervising her children etc..

But a 3 YO is not a pushy grabby bully. They are a toddler. And honestly the way you speak about a small child makes you sound as bad as the mum you're stewing about to me.

You're hosting a party for toddlers they aren't all going to behave like little angels who say please and thank you and respect your cupcake toppings. Get over it.”

I find it really alarming that you would talk about a 3 year old child that way - it shows a real lack of understanding of small children.

I'd be really annoyed about the behaviour too tbf.
Maybe it comes down to managing expectations. It was your first party and your child is probably quite well behaved and you were really hoping for everything to run smoothly.
Sounds a lot like me!

But it's not worth getting upset over or bringing up to F's parents. Just keep an eye out for them in future and be wary if you invite them to the next party.

I hope your littlun had a lovely time.

Possibly F has additional needs?
Either way he’s a 3 year old!

I think the issue here is with the mum not stepping in when her child was displaying these behaviours and inviting along the cousin and not paying for them.

Hi OP,

I think the thing is that in school your kids will rub shoulders with all sorts of people and some of them will not be very nice, and their parents also may not be very nice. We'd all like the world to be perfect for our kids, but unfortunately it isn't like that.

The people who end up in prison also have to start in pre-school somewhere. While they are there, then they are rubbing shoulders with nicer kids, and that might be a bit surprising for those nicer families, but it's just how it is.

FWIW those families also probably feel isolated because they are among people who will not like their behaviour and who will quickly uninvite them from all social events. The knock-on effect of that is that the kids will fall further behind socially and will never learn to behave nicely at tea parties.

By the time your child gets to year 6 or secondary school, these kids will be in real trouble and it will be too late.

So you have two choices basically:

1. keep inviting that family but set very firm boundaries so as to help them to integrate. That means knowing that that kid is a problem and telling the parents in words of one syllable what you expect from them.

2. exclude them and watch that child/family go down the drain over the years.

with the best will in the world, even if you do 1, you may find that 2 is what actually happens.

It's also possible that the child has special educational needs and that the problem partly runs in the family. That may have been compounded by the family having given up trying, because they are fighting a losing battle.

I say this partly because I am the Mum of an excluded family with hereditary ASD running through our whole family. It sucks.

I'm glad you have a lovely kid and can run a good tea party. It's possible that that family will not have seen one before, and will not see one again, and you did a good thing by showing them what it looks like.

Argh horrid behaviour I can see why you would be upset.

Personally I've always avoided hosting whole class parties and pick the children my daughters are friends with and then add in extra children whose parents we are friendly with, then finally add in children who are particularly friendly with any children invited but on the periphery of the groups of friends. Also don't Muddy the waters with siblings are welcome always start with sorry no siblings.

That's always worked for me. I can honestly say I've never had a problem as a result.

People may particularly on mumnet inviting all but parties are about he birthday child enjoying the celebration with friends and these sorts of rogues lurk in every corner and when else in life would you accept them into your life with open arms?

Forget it now, avoid the family and move on mentally.

I completely understand why you’d be upset with the mother but please remember it’s not the child’s fault.. He’s only three years old and he can’t help that he isn’t being parented properly. 3 year olds can’t possibly just know the correct way to behave in these situations when they haven’t been told. Grabbing and crying/screaming is obviously how he gets what he wants at home and nobody has taught him any different. I think if you’re planning to have more whole-class parties in the future it would be very unfair to exclude only him. You can’t hold his behaviour as a three year old against him for the rest of your daughter’s time at school. He probably won’t even remember this party next year and won’t understand why he isn’t being invited but all his friends are. I would only have small parties with a few of your daughter’s close friends if you feel strongly about not wanting a specific child to come. It’s not fair to exclude just one.

This is a bit much op, from the note about your child, to the fury at a young kid eating food not intended for him and not wishing your kid happy birthday. I’m stunned you considered invoicing a parent or writing a note.

sure, it was bad mannered, not great, but your reaction is incredibly extreme.

personally I’d see this as a minor irritation, still invite, as I don’t blame kids for parents behaviour, and just make sure a few extras next time.

your extreme reaction makes me wonder if you’ve anger issues, or are just really bored so the party was a major thing in your life? Do you have a job, other stuff going on, as I simply can’t imagine giving this much head space to something so utterly minor.

F's mum was rude but you should not say anything to her, or any other parents. It will only make you look bad. You might be stewing now but in a few years you'll laugh at this memory - every child's birthday party has to have something go wrong, or some issue, and this was this one's. (could be worse, my DD's 5th birthday party issue was my own DD getting over-excited and then over-upset)

F is only 3, he's still learning, and he might not be learning good habits at home if his mum doesn't think to say things like thank you for the party, or teach him to say that.

Leave it but make a note not to invite this child again. I am afraid some people have no manners and even if you point it out they will find a way of turning it round on you. Not worth the stress.

Yes, they were rude. Some people just are 🤷‍♀️ Take a deep breath and move on. Also, wouldn't bother with the detailed note next year, I'd have found that quite odd to receive.

In short- forget about it and move on. You are ruminating on trivial minutiae. Save your energy for important things or you're going to have great difficulty negotiating the coming years.

Prime CF. I wouldn't do or say anything. Unfortunately you'll come across people like this throughout nursery and primary school.

You're invite is in the style of a wedding invitation.
It's all a bit over the top.
There was a cheeky parent and some boisterous children. But it's certainly not an 'injustice' and 'getting away with it Scott free' is a extreme thing to say about the matter.