Awake stewing at 3am due to disgraceful party etiquette

[Anonymouse2019]

It was recently my daughter's 4th birthday party. She attends a nursery preschool and she is one of the eldest so most of the other children are still 3 years old.

We didn't know who her closest friends were when writing invitations about 6 weeks ago so decided to invite the whole class of 18 kids. 13 RSVP'd, 10 of those could come.

With the invitations addressed to the children, we included a little note for parents/guardians with a bit more info about the venue and a little bit about our child which was relevant to the party. We also stated that a gift for our child wasn't necessary and that their child's company would be the best gift for our little girl (mainly that was us being diplomatic in a COL crisis) BUT we said if their child wanted to give or make a card for our daughter, that would be lovely and that we would keep them in her memory box for when she was a bit older (after she'd opened them, obviously).

Also in this note we said that the entrance fee and lunch for their child was covered but if the invited child wished to bring siblings, the parent/guardian would need to purchase food at the venue for that/those siblings.

I'll get to the point now.

One mum of a boy, F, replied saying he could attend. She did bring her child to the party and she also brought the child's older cousin (not invited as not a sibling but anyway...). Cousin was 8 years old.

F's older cousin sat down with the invited younger children and was helping himself to party food when we'd specifically said non-imvited children must have meals paid for separately by parents. The adult with them stood there and did nothing but I didn't realise until the meal was nearly over because there was so much going on in the room. Several other kids brought siblings and ALL their parents paid for those siblings' meals except for F's mother.

F was a pushy, grabby bully. He was pushing the other invited children about with no interference from his mum. I was wrapping cupcakes in clean napkins to add to the children's party bags (after they'd already had some birthday cake) and F came over and started grabbing at the cupcakes, running the icing and details on 4 or 5 of them. I very gently said these were to take home, they were not for now but he could have some more birthday cake instead. He started to scream. Not wanting other guests/parents to think I was hurting this child or being mean, I gave him a cupcake (one he'd ruined by trying to grab them) and he disappeared with it. No other children did this.

At the end of the day, they were the only guests not to say goodbye, or thank you for inviting them. More importantly they didn't wish my daughter a happy birthday or acknowledge her at all.

We came away with a small stack of cards and a couple of presents which was lovely. My child opened them later at home. None of them were from F.

F had taken home, as had all the other invited guests, a party bag put together by me, which contained some children's colouring stuff, a pot of bubbles, sweets, mini packet of biscuits and a little rubber stamp, plus the cupcake. Of course it was our choice to provide these and we were happy to.

So, F's cousin got a free meal when he shouldn't have (there wasn't plenty to go round either!), he got an extra cupcake and ruined several others which had to be thrown away, they didn't acknowledge our daughter in any way and didn't make or buy her a card. They also didn't say goodbye and I'm fact slipped out without us realising right at the end. F's behaviour was also disgusting yet he got his party bag and everything else paid for by us.

I woke at 3am thinking about the injustice of this and have been wondering if I should hand his mum a note on the school run, or even invoice her for the cousin's meal and the ruined cupcakes, but for the sake of about £10 it doesn't seem worth the bad feeling and aggro for every school run hereon in, however letting the mother get away with all this scot-free to me is not okay either.

Obviously we know not to invite F to anything again, but should I say something in private away from kids and other parents to his mum or is that a step too far?

Reread OP’s first post and the rest…

Realised the bully and cake stealer was not the 8 year old but a 3 year old child……….

Do you honestly expect that all 3 year olds will have excellent manners and impulse control?!

It’s a bloody bun and you made a 3 year old cry over it.

I know you are saying the parent should have intervened. But it is also your responsibility as the part host and the person responsible for the children during the duration of the party to step in and deal with poor behaviour/fights/issues that arise with the kids.

I don’t know why the mother was rude and didn’t acknowledge you, thank you or bring a gift - maybe because you said not to and they didn’t have time to make a card for little darlings memory box?!

She was out of line. But I do think you obsessing at 3am over what sounds a standard birthday experience is a bit mad.

There are bigger things to be worrying about. Your daughter had a great birthday, end of! There is no “injustice”.

@ElaineMBenes @housethatbuiltme

It has worked out boys parties and girls parties (from half way through yr 1) because it ensures that everyone is invited to birthday parties…. Rather than just the same 10 kids who are most popular out of the class being invited.

It has worked out boys parties and girls parties (from half way through yr 1) because it ensures that everyone is invited to birthday parties…. Rather than just the same 10 kids who are most popular out of the class being invited.

Still doesn't make sense. Kids make their own friends so it isn't always the same kids being invited.
You are teaching your kids that they shouldn't be friends with people of the opposite sex and depriving them of inviting their actual friends to their own birthday party.

Reading some of these replies makes me thankful for the days when parties were like this.

kids dropped off at 3pm (only invited kids)
Parents left
Party took place (with a bit of help from my sister or mates)
5pm - kids picked up.

no parents, no extra food, no having to make grown adults a cuppa as they hover anxiously over a perfectly happy 7 year old scoffing pink wafers and iced gems.

Don't say anything to the other mums as some of them will stir . They will gossip to other people and as we all know versions of events will get distorted , words put into mouths and before you know it will get back to the other mum all hell breaks loose .

Put it down to experience and don't invite this brat again .

Hi Op, Children's parties can be a bit of an on-the-spot learning experience to be fair, as you can suddenly encounter some really weird and awful etiquette.

I remember one party around that age, really small group at our house. One child's entire family came including 9 year old brother (even though siblings were not invited), and I had to ask parents to stop him joining in the party games with 5 year olds! Then he just sat there in our lounge the whole time with both his parents. It was so odd and uncomfortable.

Just a thought, I wouldn't have rewarded F's pushy behaviour with offer of birthday cake instead or given him that cupcake. Basically reinforced his obnoxious behaviour - so if he acts like a brat he gets what he wants. I would have told him to leave the cakes alone in a pretty firm voice, and to wait like everyone else, or actually wait til last, because of his behaviour. The most well-behaved children should have been given cake first, and he's lucky if he gets any at all unless he behaves.

No need to stew, but next time, it's your family party, and you are the adult host; you absolutely can correct badly behaved children, then you wouldn't feel disempowered, also good to teach your own child how to handle people like this, so they don't get elbowed out of the way in life by pushy types. There's ways of being firm without it being unpleasant.

This is how it was in my day too.

And no kid ever had any food intolerances or special meals required. It was hot dogs and ice cream as standard.

And other people's kids were always on their best behaviour at parties, I'm sure it's because their parents weren't there. They're always start to play up the minute they were collected as didn't want to go home yet 😂

Well then why not an all or none policy as in whole class or no invites are handled in school? (schools cannot stop people sorting events externally though)

You absoloutly can NOT dictate sexism though, that would be illegal.

I can just imagine my son's response if I told him he couldn't invite one of his best friends ( who he's known since they were born!) to his birthday party just becuase she's a girl.
And then followed that up by telling him he HAD to invite the two boys he really doesn't like, who would probably ruin the party with their bad behaviour....becuase they were boys.

Not for three and four year olds, though. The prevalence of nursery classes means that whole-class parties have been pushed lower down the school to younger and younger children. As a child in the eighties I didn’t start going to them until I was five.

I very gently said these were to take home

^

Why did you say this 'gently'??

Surely if he's causing a ruckus and his feckless aunt isn't stepping up then a sharp 'don't do that!' and a hard stare would have had more impact?

@ElaineMBenes

Nope, we are actually promoting social cohesion and less bullying/exclusion at school.

Whenever DS is beyond the softplay stage, and may want to invite say 6 kids to bowling that would be a different thing.

But right now it appears to be if a boy has a birthday all boys get invited and if a girl has a party all girls get invited.

Then if there is a poor turn out parents will tend to invite a few of opposite sex too.

We have 14 from school invited plus cousins and friends out of school (mixed sex)… so it’s enough.

Kids are certainly not deprived.

Dictate sexism…. Illegal??

Are you quite alright??

The parties that are going on are £15 - 20 per child.

So if you invite all 28 in the class that is £420.00 - £560.00

We have to invite cousins and friends of mixed sex too so a further £150.00 - £200.00 before you get into costs of cake, decorations and an actual present….

The way everyone has gone after the mixed sex nursery/early school parties is to invite one sex.

That way every child in the class gets about 10 parties a year to go to. And parents costs are halved.

Rather than parents having to spend £700 - £1000 on a party!!

This is the arrangement in the schools our children have attended. Experiences may differ.

Nope, we are actually promoting social cohesion and less bullying/exclusion at school.

You really aren't. It's a ridiculous policy.
What you are actually doing is:

• teaching your children that you should only be friends with people who are the same sex as you.
• paying for kids that your own child might not even like to attend their party. Why??

In reception full class parties make sense as nobody know who their friends are at that stage. However, once kids have established friendship groups and they are old enough to tell you who they are friends with, then they should be able to invite their actual friends.

What would you do if your child was friends with someone of the opposite sex? Not invite them to the party?

What if they were being bullied by someone of the same sex? Would you still insist they attend your child's party?

Personally I think it is beneficial for children to be friends with boys and girls, I can't understand why you would actively encourage segregation?

So if you invite all 28 in the class that is £420.00 - £560.00

Don't invite the whole class then. Just invite your child's actual friends.........

First I have held whole class parties every year, near a dozen of them... never spent £420 let alone close to £1000 lol.

And yes if the school only allowed you to invite one sex that is dictated sexism which is illegal.

With your rule a boy who wants to invite 4 male friends and 2 female friend instead of inviting 6 kids would have to invite 14-15 boys that they maybe don't even like yet not be allowed their female friends... don't pretend for one second its about 'money' saving or 'poor' people who can't afford a '£1k' party.

Its blatant sexism.

Oh my gosh let it go !!!

certainly dont lose sleep over it

you have sadly many more years of this to come
many many more
good luck to ya

@Muddybooties are you in the Uk?

She used £ so I would assume so.

*So no matter which kids are the “best friends” we have to invite all the boys or all the girls depending on sex of DC. Up until about age 8-10 when the “proper” birthday parties are sidelined in favour of cinema, day out that sort of thing.*m

this is astonishing

i can’t get my head around how incredible that is. in a thoroughly shit way. a school actually ordering mixed sex parties until 8-10 and then single sex from then on. unfathomable

i wouldn’t want my child within a ten mile radius of insane school. Let alone attending it!

How can the school even have any say over it? It makes no sense.

to the extent i wonder whether the poster has maybe… been a little loose with the truth?

and the idea of all these parents just blindly following the schools rules on who they should invite to their child’s party (according to their gender no less!) is just so bloody weird!!