Was anyone else bullied in school and find it still affects you as an adult?

[skatykatie]

I was bullied back in secondary school and it left a pretty deep impact on my life. I'm in therapy and have come a long long way, but I feel my self esteem has always been pretty bad ever since. I know I'm a wonderful person capable of great things but I just dont give myself a chance or have the self belief I need.

Was anyone else bullied and find it left its mark on you?

Thank you, I appreciate that.

I don't wish hate on anyone TBH because that is an exhausting and miserable way to live. If any of my bullies are still bullies now then they are clearly deeply unhappy, and I'm not.

I wasn't bullied as such (although some people might consider it bullying) but I was a shy, chubby child with a lack of self confidence. I always tried to face my fears and join in but some of the 'cool kids' in class had a knack of making you feel that you were just on the edge of things if that makes sense. For instance, I remember one of them turning round to me one day and saying 'why are you speaking, noone is interested in what you've got to say, you're just irrelevant. Just go away and stop trying to join in'.

That has stuck with me for years, and even now, if I'm speaking to someone and I (rightly or wrongly) perceive that their attention is wandering I am taken straight back to that comment from school and I clam up.

Re read what I posted previously. For some things that happen years later, it is not a conscious decision how you react. It happens and its out of our control.

Do you honestly think those of us who have posted on here about how we feel now, that we would not wish not to be affected years later.

TBH I was largely talking about the people who have posted that they wish their bullies dead or were glad to hear they had slow and painful deaths. I don't think that's healthy.

I don't wish anyone dead, I don't have an unhappy life. I'm angry with the adults who failed me and others, but I don't wish them dead. My parents are included in adults who failed me! I can't really leave them in the past.
I wish I hadn't got a bald patch the size of my hand, though.
I can't afford therapy, and it wasn't a "thing" back then.

Many therapists offer very discounted rates for those on low incomes, it's worth checking. And obviously you can also obtain therapy through the NHS, although admittedly it can be a bit hit and miss. I've had one or two excellent NHS therapists, though.

Well that would depend on the type of very serious abuse some of us endured and the fact they took away our " healthy" mental state , so fuck em !

Depends what they did.

For me with some particular individuals it's more a case that if they died prematurely then they'd harm less people.

When I talk about bullies I'm thinking of my bullies or bullies I witnessed, most of which involved name calling (usually weight related even though looking back I can see I wasn't "fat" at all, but they called me fat), taking the piss out of me for being clever/doing well academically, taking the piss out of my clothes/shoes/frizzy hair, leaving me out of stuff or talking loudly about me in my hearing, chucking water at me, sending me fake valentine's cards and notes from popular boys. I don't wish the people who did any of these things dead, and I don't hope they're unhappy either.

I was not physically or sexually assaulted (at school at least), personally for me I think that crosses over into criminal behaviour and not bullying as I understand it.

You may not understand it as such but, depending on the time you grew up in and possibly where you were raised, these incidents you think are 'criminal' were minimised and normalised so they were accepted as 'bullying' rather than what they are considered now.

I was both physically and sexually assaulted as part of my bullying. Maybe now you can see why your posts thinking my reactions and views are 'unhealthy' are not helpful.

Trouble is you're persistently minimising what other posters have described. Physical and sexual assault, deliberate undermining or indifference from parents and teachers, teachers joining in the bullying - and as PP said, this wasn't considered criminal decades ago, it was basically shrugged off far too often.

As has been repeatedly pointed out, nobody chooses to dwell on these things. I also think it's a stretch to say that people responding to a question about whether bullying still affects them as adults means they're dwelling on it all the time. Yes, it's harmed people and they're acknowledging that in a discussion. Telling them to get over it or get therapy is dismissive and just more of the same attitude that's been around for so long.

My main bully has had some bad times in the last 2 years and now has no blood relatives/close family alive

I'm glad.

I wish her all the unhappiness in the world. But I'm an immature bitch. She robbed me of my happiness every school day and every Sunday evening.

It has had a huge long term effect on me, because scared kids don't learn well.

It's always struck me as odd as I knew the family and they were lovely. Nice house, holidays, kind, supportive parents. She was a super high flyer - Cambridge double first and PhD.

Horrifically bullied (including what could be considered sexual abuse) by other girls at boarding school. Have never really recovered from it. Am happily married and have a successful career but have periodic flashbacks and suffer a major lack of confidence. Always try and blend into the background and not be centre of attention. I had enough of being the centre of attention when I was much younger. This mainly happened to me in years 7 and 8 but the rumours about me persisted, even following me to university. I'm just thankful social media didn't exist back then

Yes, effects me massively. I'm very self conscious and anxious because of it.

This thread makes me so angry. I don't have kids so don't know anything about schools but please please can someone tell me it's better now??

Physical and sexual assault may be criminal, but verbal and emotional abuse is no different in terms of the trauma affects from it. But not every survivor reacts the same, of course .

If it turned out that one of my bullies did what they did because they had been criminally assaulted at school age then yes it would feel compassion for them and would think that I have been through the same level of horror as they have and vice versa. My bullying was similar to yours mostly but also included sexual assault but if if it hadn't I would still have the same perspective . Being abused by an adult or someone outside school is awful, so is being bullied. I would hope we could both heal and both had access to the same kind of help.

I don't know if things are better. In some ways I think they're worse with social media. Bullying and abuse follow kids home.

Did you see a little while ago the web project document misogynistic bullying and abuse experienced by girls? www.everyonesinvited.uk/

So no, I don't think things are better. For many young people, school is not a safe place.

I wonder how the metoo movement has influenced schools. There was a lot of groping and sexual harassment at my school. We knew that we could tell a teacher but it would lead to such a big stink you'd just rather deal with the behaviour than deal with the fall out. We kind of just saw it as a normal part of school.

Yes, strangely enough. I'm supposed to be going to a new baby group with DS today, and I don't want to go cos I'm worried that I might bump into someone from school.
I haven't attended school in this area for over 20 years.

It really affects your self esteem long term doesn't it.

This is why I am so grateful I was able to move away. I did spend some time as an adult in the same place and I always felt like I was looking over my shoulder. I wouldn't have the life I have now if I'd stayed.

I think it really depends on the school and if it reaches to bullying on SM.

Because of my experience I've always been very vocal when something has happened to DD.
Usually I'm quite calm and demand that they follow their own anti bullying and safeguarding practices or ill escalate to the LEA.

Thankfully in DDs upper school they've been more than good when DD has been bullied and its taken little more than, x/y/z has happened and they're hot on it.
One boy was given a warning on the first instance, second instance he bullied DD he was moved to a different class.
He's an absolute shit by all accounts and has form for having assaulted one of the teaching staff and being generally nasty to girls.

Massively. It ruined my confidence and made it hard for me to trust people or have any kind of self esteem. And when I have done well in life I've had massive imposter syndrome.

One of my bullies died last week. I feel sorry for her loved ones and hope she found peace from whatever was bothering her in her later years. She really did try to make my life hell and it was awful but looking through an adult lens something was amiss for her to do that.