Was anyone else bullied in school and find it still affects you as an adult?

[skatykatie]

I was bullied back in secondary school and it left a pretty deep impact on my life. I'm in therapy and have come a long long way, but I feel my self esteem has always been pretty bad ever since. I know I'm a wonderful person capable of great things but I just dont give myself a chance or have the self belief I need.

Was anyone else bullied and find it left its mark on you?

I'd like to add a little contrast. I found secondary school an ordeal a lot of the time because of bullying. I was so humiliated I couldn't bear to tell my parents, teachers, friends, anyone. I thought I was targeted because I was a freak basically. There must be something deeply wrong with me, something disgusting, stupid, pathetic, ugly, otherwise why would these people be making my life hell? I had panic attacks, I used to skive off all the time because I couldn't face it. When I was doing my A-levels I was practically mute because I was too ashamed to share my opinions.
However, despite all this it hasn't affected my self esteem as an adult in a lasting way. It did at first, no doubt. When I started working in my early 20s, I brought all that baggage with me. I was weird, I was pathetic, everyone would hate me. I was so shy and lacking in confidence but something weird happened. I found people at work weren't anything like people at school! I was amazed to see that people were nice to me! They treated me respectfully. What blew my mind was that people didn't seem to think I was weird. They treated me like a normal person!! Now it took years to grow in confidence. I'd say it took my entire 20s to shake of my low self esteem from the bullying. But by the time I reached my 30s I was feeling quietly confident and self-assured. It seemed people liked me and I wasn't a weirdo and all was good.
I've heard people don't properly develop empathy until their 20s and I think this explains why kids can be so mean.
I have no ill will towards my bullies. I think they're probably quite nice people now they've grown up.

I don’t think the way bullying makes you feel ever truly leaves you. I was bullied every day from the age of 12 to 14 by a group of girls in secondary school. They would criticise my posture, my bag, my shoes, call me frigid because I didn’t have a boyfriend and pass notes around the class about it. Told me I had to be adopted because my parents were so old (they had me in their late 20s…)

As a result I had low confidence for years. In many of my relationships with men I would sleep with them early so nobody thought I was frigid. I now struggle with trusting people, especially women.

When I went to university, I had a much better time and changed a lot physically and mentally. I came back home for the holidays and the ringleader of the bully group tried to talk to me in the pub and add me on Facebook. I took a lot of happiness in rejecting the request and ignoring her.

Yes. Very badly bullied in the fourth year at junior school (now year 6) so much that I broke down in absolute hysterics at a rehearsal for a school Concert. The class teacher was wonderful, she allowed me to cry on her and then sent me to do a pointless errand and she ripped my class a new one. So the bullying stopped there and people began to be nice to me (I no longer "lost" my belongings, I never got a ripped paper to do my work on, my pen stopped breaking if I left it on my desk, I wasn't pushed over in the playground, I wasn't pushed down stairs or into walls, people stopped calling me fleabag and deliberately keeping their distance from me, I stopped being jumped on the way home and my bag emptied into the gutter and my possessions then kicked around...) then I went to secondary school and it started right up again.

Its why I have little confidence and few friends, I can't accept that anyone really wants to know me, and am always looking for something bad to happen to me - because it always did.

I was bullied for being small, geeky and wearing specs. I went to a secondary with no uniform policy and I was also bullied for what I wore - mum had zero interest in making sure I wore the latest trends. The bullying itself hasn't impacted me - I blossomed at Uni and have done a lot better in life than the bullies. It's impacted my thoughts about my kids though - I'll probably send them private for secondary as I don't want them going to the local state which is the same school I went to.

I have a big nose and flat chest - years of torment from bigger chested, smaller nosed girls.

I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness (I hated every minute of it) and JWs don't celebrate Christmas - I got a lot of cruel taunts every Christmas.

I had a nervous bladder and always visited the toilet during breaks. One lunch time, two girls were mucking about throwing wads of wet toilet tissue up onto the ceiling and decided it'd be great fun to kick the toilet cubicle door down right on me, while in a rather compromising position, ie knickers down and sat on the toilet. Not nice! Word got out pretty quickly and the whole school found out. My nervous bladder turned into a bladder that would refuse to void. A couple of very uncomfortable weeks later I got a 'loo pass' because the fear of having the door kicked down again was too much and it was decided that I should just visit the toilet when needed rather than keeping to breaks. I hated having this privilege and the mocking was endless, but my bladder thanked me for it. Not being in pain and not worrying about getting a UTI etc was worth it.

I hate, hated HATED that school.

Unfortunately my bladder is still nervous, but I've learned to be okay with my nose and my flat chest. As for the JW bit, I left at about 15 years old, I made a huge scene at the temple. I clung onto the bannister in the house that evening and my mum pried my hands off and shoved me into the waiting car. Enough was enough, so near the end of the service, I cried so hard and wailed and said how much I hated it. My mum never forced me to go to another session again, but she hated my guts for what I did. I have nothing to do with her these days.

Never let on you've been bullied when you move on to somewhere new as it marks you out as a weak target and it will start again . Also listen to your gut instinct about people. Avoid. Stamp on any bullying starting as people will test you to see how far they can go .

I don't give a shit what was going on in a bullies life to make them bully me. It is not acceptable regardless.

I am also not blaming any "issues" on my being bullied expect for the actual outcome on me of that behaviour.

Pray you never know what it is like for you or your kids because it is clear you do not.

I’m a terrible people pleaser due to being bullied by my “friends” in secondary school. My DH will often say, why have you agreed to do this for your friend, I can’t help it! I am trying to get better at saying no now that I’ve had my second child because I don’t have as much free time now so I have to draw the line somewhere.

@ImCamembertTheBigCheese damn right.

I had issues in my life- them!! - and managed to never bully anyone. They did it because they wanted to, they enjoyed it, and because they could.

I asked someone I worked with outright why he bullied me . His answer ? I get a sense of power and I know I can .

Was bullied for being English (was born in England but moved to Scotland in early 80's) had English accent for a bit but developed Scottish accent (parents are from Scotland)after a while, plus was sexually assaulted in secondary school by some boys in my year - never went to anyone about it as was embarrassed and strangely grateful for attention from them. Also been bullied at work by a younger colleague which again I didn't do anything about but another colleague went to manager about. I don't do confrontation and so will probably be a victim for the rest of my life. Hated school because of the bullying - wasn't sporty or popular only had 1 particular friend. I don't make friends easily and since I have lived on my own since I was 19 yrs old I prefer my own company. I feel left out of things when I see posts from friends on social media and they all meet up sometimes. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of money so can't afford to socialise with friends. I'm suicidal quite a lot and have a lot of anxiety. Was also bullied by a teacher in secondary school - from the very first day in her class she took against me. I'm in no way a stupid person but some people make me feel like I am

Yes, bullied on and off from year 7 to 11, and also in a couple of jobs. It was so bad in school I got to a very dark place and was convinced everyone would be better off without me here.

School did nothing to protect or help me, and at one point said that things kept happening so often I must have been doing something to bring it upon myself. I must have done, no idea what, but I must've done something to deserve it.

Family were supportive but I refused a school move as I had a few really good friends who I didn't want to lose. I still see them regularly so I'm glad I was able to keep the friendships.

I have no confidence or self esteem. I have very small groups of friends. I don't look forward to or hope for anything, because it ends in disappointment 99% of the time. Which I've just accepted is what I deserve in life. I'm also single partly through choice, partly through fear of letting anyone that close. I'll only end up hurt, like I always am when I let people too close.

Yep, bullied all 5 years of secondary, not just names, but physical assault, theft of belongings, etc. It's affected my entire adult life in the way of low self esteem, imposter syndrome, unable to make friends (as I don't trust anyone), poor relationships with family (same reason), etc. I can't even look at my old school as when I do, it gives me panic attacks and makes me nauseous! Schools and teachers really need to get a grip and stop it ruining peoples' lives. As usual, I was always felt to be the one to blame with them telling me to "toughen up", "fight back", etc etc. I left primary as a straight A* pupil and left secondary without a single qualification - failed all my exams as I hated school, couldn't concentrate in class as I'd be worrying how I'd be bullied/assaulted at the next break, etc.

Nice bit of victim blaming there, not to mention excusing the behaviour of the bullies. That's exactly why they get away with it. Come up with some sob story about why they bully people and then let others blame the bullied! Nice!!!

Nope.
As an adult I'd never let someone bully me.Fuck that.
Can't believe I didn't stand up for myself back then.

Yes, this. My bullies knew exactly what they were doing, especially the boys who sexually assaulted me repeatedly in high school (props at least to the deputy head, the moment I reported it to her she put a stop to it - love to know what she threatened them with).

The "oh poor bullies" doesn't cut it when it's teachers doing it, either.

IMO, regardless of the bully's background, it never makes it OK to bully someone. Having SEN, poor mental heallth, a dysfunctional background, other doesn't give you a free ticket to behave badly towards someone or bully them.

I remember listening to a Jeremy Vine discussion about bullying on his radio 2. A woman rang in and only felt ‘free’ from her bully when she heard he had died in her forties or fifties.

@Balloonhearts I feel the same way, don't trust people or feel they would really want me if they knew me. A deeprooted very pervasive sense of shame.

@Foxblue yes so much of this I recognise in myself too.

@Chilottane don't you think though that the same argument could apply to whatever the bullies were going through too? That they using it as an excuse? Couldn't they just suck it up, as it were?

I have diagnoses of borderline personality disorder and complex trauma. I'm pretty sure it was bullying that caused those as they say trauma in childhood causes BPD. I would say bullying is probably one of the main causes of complex trauma too.

My heart goes out to everyone so badly scarred by this. I despised my bullies - they were ignorant brutes and I knew that at the time, and while I carried the message that I was unattractive all my life (glasses! Plain! Smart! No tan! Didn't like sport! Unacceptable!) it didn't ruin my ability to trust or to make friends. Possibly because I never trusted the bullies in the first place (also had the satisfaction of seeing them all drop out after fourth form) but also because I did have one last year of schooling that was good - went to an arts course instead of doing HSC and the others there were lovely.

This.

I have massive hate for bullies...yes hate...i don't care what their history is... they've made peoples lives a living hell... sometimes for the rest of the victims life, psychologically. Anger

@Catsmere I'm sorry for what you went through and only wish I had been able to not let my own experiences affect me. Maybe because I was young when it started?