Was anyone else bullied in school and find it still affects you as an adult?

[skatykatie]

I was bullied back in secondary school and it left a pretty deep impact on my life. I'm in therapy and have come a long long way, but I feel my self esteem has always been pretty bad ever since. I know I'm a wonderful person capable of great things but I just dont give myself a chance or have the self belief I need.

Was anyone else bullied and find it left its mark on you?

I don't think you really understand what it is like to have gone through what most of the posters on this thread have @EconomyClassRockstar. This thread is the wrong place to demonstrate your complete lack of empathy. I bet you are the type of person who tells someone with depression to just pull themselves together

This thread is a classic example of how bullying can affect people's lives long term and how it isn't easy to just let it go.

Can I suggest that you let this thread go because you have upset a lot of posters

Love the idea that we can all just box up trauma and forget it. That will solve the mental health crisis in seconds won't it.

Yes. I have very little self esteem and always feel that people don't really like me. It was 30+ years ago but it has been life defining unfortunately.

Yes. And it’s something I’ve always been aware of but lately it’s coming to the forefront more and more - realisations of how I am as a person (low self-esteem, low confidence sometimes, don’t enjoy big group social things, hate walking into an event or party without someone I know there to make a beeline for, being too aware of other peoples’ opinions and feeling like I want them to like me even when I don’t know if they are worthy of my time and energy) and the fact that all of it can be traced back to being bullied in high school.

Ive been in therapy in the past and I’m trying to find a new therapist at the moment because I’m so sick of letting these things impact my current life, my well-being, my business and my family life.

My bigger issue (and I’ve seen a few PP mention similar) is that a lot of my low confidence/self-esteem etc comes from being bullied AND having parents (esp my mum) who was emotionally abusive at home as well. I’ve started to realise that a lot of my toxic traits relate to the fact that I didn’t have a support network or feeling of a secure foundation in my family life. I never felt good enough because nothing could make my mum ever show affection, pride or maternal support to me. And then the bullying reinforced that.

I still (at 32 in a very happy marriage with a beautiful DD) have dreams (nightmares) where I’m back at that school, walking into the playground and knowing I had no one to talk to or go to lunch with, nobody to have my back when others (mainly boys) would shout obscenities at me, feeling like an utter, utter loser who clearly wasn’t good/cool/nice/special/popular/pretty enough to be friends with or not bully.

Bullying is the worst.

I've never been able to approach people. I don't just blame bullying. I started primary in the days when it was phased entry and remember really hating starting in a class in January full of people who already knew the ropes. Maybe if I'd not been bullied later I'd have gotten over it.

And yes thank goodness we didn't have social media to follow us round.

I feel for kids in boarding schools who couldn't (and can't) get away from their bullies.

I wasn't seriously bullied but picked on sometimes. I remember coming out of a classroom once and a girl from the year above looked at me and said "oh my god, that girl is so ugly" and I've never forgotten it. It's not the sole reason for my low self esteem (that's a whole other story) but it definitely had an impact.

100%. I left my home town and will never live there again.

I always assume people won’t like me or are pretending to like me in order to do something horrible to me later. As an adult, people are often baffled by it but I had no idea why people were so unpleasant to me back then so I assume it will happen again.

I'm bald on top of my head because I developed trichotillomania as a result of bullying. Shiny bald. How would people suggest I "put it in a box" or let it go?

All my adult life with no hair on top of my head. It won't grow. Every time I look in the mirror, everyone I ever get in a relationship with wants to know what it is, every hairdresser, friends, everything. How the fuck would you put that in a fucking box.

I was bullied at school by both the teachers and peers

My face didn't fit,my parents owned their house and my father had a new motorbike every 3 years-they had a nice garden and we went on holiday once a year

The hatred that oozed out of the other kids was worse than the name callings and beatings-they just repeated what they'd heard their parents say

The teachers not only saw what was going on-they joined in-i had work sneered at,torn up,not displayed,told i was thick,told in front of the whole class that my work was shite,smacked and dirty looks in every lesson

In the 5 years I was at that damn shithole,I was in the Christmas play once-i had a shitty minor part at the back

The kids who where the favourites where actually nasty bullies and nobody stopped them

My mother not only did nothing to stop it,she made sure she made friends with the teachers and parents of the bullies-shes still mates with most of them now (she only failed twice-one teacher didn't want to know and one mother was such a psychopath even she backed off)

There was no escape-these little shites where either at school or at my house

More than once they went through my bedroom (thankfully,I lived with my grandad most of the time so moved a lot of my stuff to his house to protect it)

They did nothing to stop the sexual assaults that happened-just told me to 'stay away' or 'they fancy you'

I grew up and one of the teachers stopped me in the street one day and was up my arse-trying to coo over my baby

I told her in no uncertain terms to stay away from me,she is a bitch and a bully-I hate her

She went running back in tears to my mother who had the nerve to have a go at me for me for being rude-even though she'd seen this woman in action and didn't stop her

Now,I'll always stick up for the underdog and am so nice to everyone-I can't bear the thought of anyone being bullied

I know my face still doesn't fit with some people but I try to shrug it off

I struggled with abusive relationships all the way through my 20's and 30's-its only now I've learnt I don't have to and will drop anyone who starts up

My self esteem is still on the floor

If I ever get a chance to go to a reunion,I'd rather eat my liver

Bullying ruins lives

You obviously have no understanding of how trauma works or how the brain is structured. When you experience long term abuse in your formative years you actually create brain connections and behaviours which persist long after the abuse has ended. Problems such as panic attacks, fear, flashbacks, learned helplessness, low self esteem - these don’t just go away because the abuse isn’t happening any more. It can take years of therapy to reframe those experiences and restructure the brain. Similar to veterans who have PTSD, or children who’ve been sexually abused, or rape victims. You can’t just “let it go”.

I feel nervous when I go back to the town my school was in and would hate to see any of the bullies. I'm 45 now and the bullying started about 30 years ago. It is so damaging and people who bullied or got away with not being bullied, just don't seem to understand (or care) how damaging it is.

It's actually really impacted how I feel about my daughter going to school. I've had to work really hard not to project my fear to her.

And it wasn't just teenaged children- as others have said, it was TEACHERS. Teachers joined in or started it or looked on and laughed, used the cruel nicknames to address us in class.

My parents were of the "what have you done to deserve it" mindset so no help there.

OK, I seem to have upset people with my previous posts. I wasn't victim blaming, I was merely saying, is it healthy to let being bullied at school define your entire life. I don't wish any of my bullies harm 20 odd years later, that would be crackers IMO. They were kids. I have moved on. I assume they probably feel massively ashamed of themselves at how they behaved, so what should I want from them now? That they should be put in prison? Dead? Unhappy? What?

I certainly don't think you should repress it but I also don't think that going over it and over it 20 odd later is going to make anyone feel better about it. It should be dealt with, in therapy or what have you, and then moved on from. I can't get the years taken from me by trauma but I can certainly make sure the rest of my life isn't ruined by it either.

I have never bullied anyone in my life, I was the victim of severe bullying. Severe enough that I was removed from School.

TBH my point was that hurt people hurt people, doesn't excuse it, but for me it helped to turn it round and think, well, this isn't about me. I went through in therapy, I accepted it had happened, and also I accepted that, with a few exceptions, most people aren't pure good and pure evil. I believe that all but one of my bullies are married now with their own kids and friends and partners whom they presumably love and care for. I moved on from it years ago, I don't wish them ill, I wouldn't be happy if they died. I recognise that sometimes people at 13 and 14 are absolute arseholes for many reasons but it doesn't mean they continue to be arseholes throughout their entire lives. It doesn't mean I think what they did was OK but what else am I meant to do? Hope they have terrible lives? The best revenge I can have is living my own life without giving them headspace.

As if it was so easy to "let it go"!

It affects your entire core. It never leaves you. You are forever afraid of letting your guard down and letting a potential bully near you. You lose all self confidence. You can't believe how someone else could actually want to be friends with you, so you actively avoid getting close to people. Even when something good happens, your first thought is "what will go wrong".

I used to hide at school under the stage in the main hall. It was the only way of "coping" and avoiding being constantly verbally bullied and physically assaulted.

I told teachers but they just did their usual lazy "ignore them" or "fight back" or "you must have done something to cause it". Even when I showed them the bruises and fag burn marks, they still minimised it and went into "victim blaming" mode.

Worse was that my main bullies were immediately before and after my surname in the alphabet, so, of course, the lazy teachers organised groups and classroom sitting plans by alphabetic order so I was always sit with them or put into groups with them. No respite at all. Teachers knew they were sitting me with my bullies but didn't care because it was too much work for them to change a seating plan! That eventually led to me just giving up on school and truanting. But, of course, it was MY fault, I was truanting!!! The blame game is relentless and it's always the victim who gets blamed! That just makes the feeling of low self worth and low confidence even worse - the teachers adding to the impact of the bullies!

It's not "going over it" that causes the problems. I barely think about my bullying most of the time. It's the effects of the bullying, i.e. the low self esteem, the low confidence, the hiding away from people, the risk of making friends. It's baked in after years of bullying. You're constantly wondering what people think of you, people pleasing, etc. I certainly don't go around thinking about the main bullies, but I do go around with little self confidence and people pleasing, to my detriment.

Nail on the head!

Absolutely, it left me with mental health issues that wrecked my 20s, and hypervigilance that I will probably always have now (I'm 54).

This is the kind of thing I dealt with in therapy a very long time ago.

I was excluded socially at school with lots of nasty gossip and the odd mean comment from those who actually spoke to me. A couple of friends throughout school, one of whom was told not to reconnect with me when we got back from a temporary expat posting to the US for my dad. The other one spent all our free time in Sixth Form in the lockers next to the common room with me, because we weren’t welcome in there. I’ve remained close to a couple of teachers as I was a teacher’s pet, and I loved school because however shit it was, it was a respite from home. I was a proper goody-two-shoes and too posh for my much richer schoolmates. I also got bullied for being a lesbian because I didn’t have a boyfriend for the whole of my school career - I’m bisexual and have had 4 fairly long relationships since leaving school all with men, but only admitted to myself I was also attracted to women quite recently.

I don’t “let” bullying define my life. The trauma has affected my brain and I’ve developed subconscious fears and behaviours which are beyond my conscious control. The same as a war veteran who has a panic attack when a car backfires. He isn’t choosing to have a panic attack. He’s learned over a long period that sound means danger and his body and mind react automatically.

I learned over many years that teenagers wearing school uniforms or tracksuits were a danger to me, and my brain still responds accordingly when I see them. I don’t choose to have a panic attack when I see a group of boys wearing tracksuits - my brain automatically activates the fight or flight response. It can take years of therapy to decouple that reaction from the stimulus, and most people don’t have access to expensive long term therapy. Equally I don’t choose to keep my eyes fixed on the ground and not make eye contact - it’s an unconscious defence mechanism that was developed over years to avoid being attacked.