Was anyone else bullied in school and find it still affects you as an adult?

[skatykatie]

I was bullied back in secondary school and it left a pretty deep impact on my life. I'm in therapy and have come a long long way, but I feel my self esteem has always been pretty bad ever since. I know I'm a wonderful person capable of great things but I just dont give myself a chance or have the self belief I need.

Was anyone else bullied and find it left its mark on you?

Everyone's experience is different though.

Without wishing to diminish your experience, it sounds as though your parents were on your side (if you were removed from school)? That probably changes things.

My experience was being bullied daily (psychologically, not physically) throughout primary and secondary years (so from 5-16 years old). My dad was oblivious (ND like me). My mum at best didn't care, at worst thought I deserved it and was only too happy to stick the knife in a bit further. My sister spotted the opportunity to be the golden child.

I've built a happy and successful life despite the bullies, and to the irritation of some of my family, but I know I carry the effects of the bullying with me and wonder what might have been if I hadn't had all my confidence and self-worth stripped away during my childhood.

What I'm saying is that perhaps it is harder to move on and put that part of your life aside if your family were less supportive of you while you were being bullied. It's harder to shut the door on that chapter since the people who helped enable it (your family) are still there - you can only walk away from part of it.

Therapy is a pretty modern solution. Not available 40+ yrs ago. Certainly my experience of bullying was chronic and a result of being a people pleaser. Being excluded from the fun stuff but when they need someone to make up numbers or a driver you are invited.

I just don’t do people any more. I see friends one to one and avoid big groups. I suppose I learnt to be happy with my own company. People assume that I’m just a loner but in truth I’d love to be included but years of pushing people away has just resulted in me being who I am.
Fortunately work fills the gap. My job involves intense, personal contact with people, which can be mentally exhausting. Now I’m semi retired, I would like to have a friendship group to socialise with but that’s something I’m going to have to work at.

People assume that I’m just a loner but in truth I’d love to be included but years of pushing people away has just resulted in me being who I am
I would also love to be included but I know how people will treat me if I try. My therapist convinced me it was just paranoia based on past experiences and asked me to try again to make friends. Lo and behold, I was rejected and excluded yet again. So I don’t think it’s necessarily “me being who I am”. It’s more like “other people being who they are”. They don’t want me around.

I have a very very very small group of friends (2-3 at most) and I don't have any interest in any more. I know exactly who my real friends are because they've been there for years, never felt the need to be friends with colleagues or anything beyond the normal niceties. That's partly why I was picked on at school, for being anti social and not really caring what anyone else thought of me. Teenagers hate anyone different, I can't see that it's changed much. I assume as they get older they become more open minded (I daresay some don't but frankly that's their loss).

user1497207191

By far the most traumatising thing for me was the "you must have done something to cause it" or the "can't you just try to get on with people?"

I think that's why I have more anger for the adults than my peers in some ways. There were some real vicious characters who are probably just like that but the majority who were mean were just going along with mob behaviour. The adults should have wanted better than for it to be normalised.

When the victim fights back they are the one who get punished instead of the bully.

This angers me so much.

There was an incident at school when DD was in year 10 where one of DD's loyal friends stood up to her bully who then went crying to the staff. DD's friend, DD and a couple of other girls were taken into the HOY's office and ordered to apologise. None of them did, which I am pleased about because the bully should have apologised to DD.

He got away with it because he was a favourite of the deputy head because he was good at sport (deputy head used to be a PE teacher).

I was a parent governor at the time and used to challenge the school's bullying policy (trying not to make it personal), but very little came of it.

@RampantIvy yes, I fought back. I pushed my bully down the stairs when he was taunting me and kicked him in the nuts. I was suspended and told I would have to apologise to him.

Yes, you certainly upset me.

The thing you seem not to be able to grasp is that for some of us, the damage is lasting and never goes away. It is forever part of you. I left school 35 years ago but last year I heard two women talking bitchily about someone that could have been me. The dread was like a physical punch in my stomach as they were talking and my flight or flight started to kick in until luckily they said something that was clearly not about me. I was transported right back to school when the bullies used to raise their voices and start to bully me in front of others.

I'm glad it does not still affect you but it does others and you should have the empathy and respect to recognise that. You posting that we should 'move on' is not helpful or realistic for some of us.

I don't think bullies care whether they're 13 or 50. And yeah, if they do I hope they feel awful about it and never have to experience it for their own kids.

I was bullied by my own sister for this. She was anorexic and loved taunting me for my normal weight. She did all sorts of other stuff all my life.

I had to live with her

I was bullied at primary school for being ginger. I haven’t minded being ginger for years but I am overly conscious of being ostracised again in group situations and I assume that no one really likes me.

Bullies grow up which is why you encounter them at work etc. I had a manager who was horrendous and was always trying to bully someone. She would make odd comments at you until she managed to find one that hit a nerve and then she would stick the knife in. She destroyed my friendships and reputation when I left and stopped doing her work for her.

Bullying ime seems to be motivated by insecurity in the bully, and they lash out to make themselves feel better - again plenty of adults do that so I don’t know why people think it stays at school or it won’t impact you as an adult.

I also agree with a pp that if you are not being supported at home, the impact of the bullying is worse. I think you internalise it because you it’s the only way you can feel like you have any control - if it’s your fault, then in theory, you could do something about it.

We can’t all be awful and ugly so that’s helping me anyway 😁- I can see it isn’t true for you so I hope I can apply it to myself 😊

No I'm not too bothered. I remember I too hit back with rude comments. I even did some really hurtful stuff to people as "revenge". Stuff that really crossed the line.

I lost it one day and beat up a bully. School handled it well.

The one thing that may still sting today is that I was ridiculed on social media by a girl at 14 (and her friends). Rich parents, very privileged and now a fucking Oxbridge grad and living a high flying life. BUT I when I interacted from ages of 16-20 (sixth form and then post sixth form parties) and she wasn't really rude and unpleasant to me at all. We never brought it up and just had a normal convo. I put it down to teenager's ability to be cruel..I doubt she's the same person she was when she was 14.

By 6th form we had all matured. I got along we lots of people that I didn't in lower school. Lots of people I didn't like I got along with. Even became friends with one. I said sorry for shit I said and I did do some really hurtful stuff. I kinda made peace with everyone. There was the odd snarky comment but it didn't bother me too much. Overall I enjoyed 6th form and i miss it.

The only thing that only still bothers me is the belittling and hurtful comments from parents. Mostly about how my grades weren't good enough. E.g. an A Vs an A*, you got a 2.1 not a 1st. Saying my job salary is low and comparing me to others. Not letting me plan my own future.

Interestingly in my old school FB group there were lots of people saying that the same boy bullied them. There was a theme to his bullying - nearly all girls, bright girls, and he would pick on one or two physical defects. I was ginger with eczema and he called me VD face or Ginger Minge. I had no idea he was making these other girls’ lives hell too. One had big teeth with braces, another was overweight, a third was really tall. I really feel that his death (which was slow and unpleasant) was karma.

I did not say you should move on. I said I had moved on and do not wish any of my bullies ill because I recognise that most of them are probably totally different people now than they were at 15 and, if they're not, then they're very sad, unhappy people and I feel sorry for them because they probably have miserable lives, and I don't.

I stand by the statement that if you are so traumatized by school bullies that you're still giving it headspace in your thirties, forties and even later, when it was a whole lifetime ago, then maybe that's not a healthy place to be in and you should think about trying to work through it in therapy.

Thing is you're not purposely giving it 'headspace' but triggers can be tiny yet impactful.

I said earlier in the thread that I was bullied by school staff who I confided in. Whilst this was not physical, it was psychological and emotional, demeaning and geared towards attracting attention. It could have been handled sensitively. This bullying inevitably led to unwanted taunting and comments from other girls, my grades suffered and I hated school.

I did not realise that walking down that same street as the school some 40+ years later would result in me falling apart - crying, panic attack. I hadn't purposely given it headspace. I was taking DS to an event in that area.

If you haven't suffered the abuse of bullying I don't think you're qualified to offer judgmental opinions. From reading this thread it is clear to me how deeply scarred some of us are. I'm sad to read these things, and offer nothing but sympathy.

@Chilottane I am using a different name today but I was @Wheeking15 the one who said you must have been a bully and I want to apologise to you, that was uncalled for. When I saw your post I could feel the "fight" response kicking in (already struggling yesterday when I wrote) and all I could hear was the voices of my past from people who kept telling me to move on but then went on to gaslight me and belittle my pain. Thanks for posting again and explaining a little more. I'm sorry you were bullied too and (I hope this doesn't sound cliche) but I admire the strength you have shown in not allowing yourself to hate or wish ill on those who harmed you.

I'm sorry I misunderstood your intentions and was so harsh with you. You didn't deserve that response.

I stand by the statement that if you are so traumatized by school bullies that you're still giving it headspace in your thirties, forties and even later, when it was a whole lifetime ago, then maybe that's not a healthy place to be in
You’re not purposely giving it headspace. That’s not how trauma works. And it doesn’t matter how long has passed, the trauma still remains. It’s 25 years since I was raped and it still affects me. I suppose you think I should just get over that too? It’s the same type of trauma as the school bullying - my power and freedom was removed and another person’s behaviour and unwanted physical contact was forced upon me without my consent.

I’ve spent half my life depressed, traumatised and in therapy - if only I’d known I just need to ‘move on’! I mean gosh, the money I could have saved.

Believe me, I would dearly, dearly love to move on.

Yes it's definitely not a choice as @Winwit says. We need to be gentle with ourselves, that's part of how we heal.

Exactly! Many parallels to sexual abuse and rape, the myth of bullying being a lesser form of trauma than other forms of abuse is being challenged now thankfully by those trained in trauma and mental health.

I like to think that in future schools will take the effects of bullying seriously but I'm not that hopeful because that will mean they actually have to do something. If a child is being bullied by a parent the school can take it to social services and let them deal with it but if a child is bullied by another child on school premises the school actually has to take a bit of responsibility. I'm not saying schools can always be bully-free, it can be very sneaky and subtle and I don't expect teachers to be superheroes but I do wish they would listen to the victims and not ignore or gaslight, or even worse, blame the child.

I also think when some teachers trot out the "they can't help it they have a bad home life" about the bullies they tend to forget many of us who were bullied were also experiencing sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, verbal abuse etc outside of school often by our parents grandparents or siblings.

I got the "you are bullied because they are jealous of you because your parents live together and you have a nice home" line. Yeah, a nice home where my parents weren't divorced because my mum's religion forbade her leaving and she was scared of my abusive and violent dad. But there wasn't a mark on me and I never told about home. I didn't realise it wasn't normal or something I had to put up with until much later.

Dear me, you are so desperately lacking in empathy and compassion, there is no hope.

Yes. Every single day of my school life in varying degrees of severity. I'm in my mid 30s and still have issues as a result.

I am benefiting greatly from having trauma based therapy but it wasn't easy to find. The cost can be prohibitive for many people and there are many charlatans setting themselves up as trained when they aren't. Complex trauma symptoms can manifest in a variety of ways and sometimes the most wounded can come across as the most difficult to treat, and finding a good therapist who understands trauma and has a lot of clinical experience can be hard to find.

definitely it very much shaped my self view which has remained negative throughout my life. Lots of depression, anxiety, social anxiety, low self esteem.

I feel it's a lot more compassionate to try to gently point out that this isn't a healthy way to live than to enable people to continue leading unhappy lives because of the way some nasty teenagers treated them 30 years ago.