Was anyone else bullied in school and find it still affects you as an adult?

[skatykatie]

I was bullied back in secondary school and it left a pretty deep impact on my life. I'm in therapy and have come a long long way, but I feel my self esteem has always been pretty bad ever since. I know I'm a wonderful person capable of great things but I just dont give myself a chance or have the self belief I need.

Was anyone else bullied and find it left its mark on you?

@Loubelle70 exactly, whatever they went through doesn't justify it and then saying they using it as an excuse? Seems like @Chilottane is probably still a bully. What a shame they haven't got over that little childhood problem they had which caused them to be so nasty in the first place.

@Wheeking15 thank you, and likewise. The worst for me was in high school, so maybe that made it a little easier, not being quite so young. I was never reduced to hiding all day as so many girls were, for instance. The backup was there once I sought it instead of trying to fight (the whole "don't dob" ethos makes me angry, I swear.)

I was called fat by a girl twice my size. I still have self image problems and I’m nearly 60. I was zero non-confrontational at that age, that is, I knew that sticking up for myself would not be a good idea with the group of “popular” girls she was part of.
There is still a very little part of me that would love to rub in her face in how well I have done in life. But I moved away from home and probably wouldn’t recognise her if I bumped into her now.
Being humiliated in front of 40 other girls was excruciating at age 13/14 and it stays with you for life.
I really hate the hive mentality of some groups of women and have always avoided being part of it. It’s like they revert back to teenage girls.

I’m always anxious and still worried what people think of me. That’s how it affects me.
I think everyone thinks I’m stupid.

@Catsmere don't get me wrong, I think bullying can be traumatic at any age and in some ways it's worse for teens because of the suicide and self harm risk. But I think when we are primary school age that's the age where we learn to form attachments or not and I think my anxious avoidant attachment is linked to the bullying. Hence my wondering whether some personality disorders and complex trauma can take root at that age because it's a time when we are being wired for attachments or not. Don't know whether any psychologists or psychiatrists here who have a perspective on this. The bullying for me only became severe (sexual assault) when I was in year 5, before then it was not severe but it was unrelenting and it wasn't just one or two kids but most of the class telling me day in day out how worthless I was. I don't expect people to like me or think I'm worth much now.

yeah the whole don't dob culture winds me up no end too. Schools are clueless at dealing with this kind of issue. I can only say I'm thankful it didn't happen to me in the social media era, kids nowadays don't get a break, it follows them home and into their screens.

Absolutely. Although I wouldn't say the bullying caused it, it defiantly contributed to a long-term ED, and now, in my 40s, my self esteem remains low and my ability to make and trust friends is very low.

@Equimum exactly, it's a form of abuse and abuse is usually traumatic. Like sexual abuse it often involves humiliation and shame as well as fear.

This is another reason why I get so angry at schools or parents who refuse to take it seriously "because little Suzie or Johnny has a bad home life so they can't help it." I get that a bad home life may well be a reason but I don't see how a child being bullied and traumatised by their peers is a lesser safeguarding priority than a child who's been harmed by an adult at home, when you consider the effects of both are so very similar and so very damaging.

@Wheeking15 I agree entirely!

Some of us are just not wired to retaliate. I think I was also torn between breaking the adult rules of fighting back and breaking the schoolyard rules of dobbing in the bully. So you end up just isolating yourself. Becoming that child who stands in a corner not playing with the big group. Standing in a corner is a defensive move, you can see your bully coming.
If you work in a school and see a child tuck themselves in a corner on their own it’s likely that they are experiencing some level of bullying. Whether it is being excluded by the group or just one to one bullying it should raise a flag. You can’t force children to play with each other but you can teach them how cruel exclusion is.

@Angrymum22 either that or they've been bullied in the past so badly they just want to disappear into the walls. They feel such a shame and self hatred they just want to hide in on themselves so no one starts mocking them.

Yes, I was bullied horrendously in my supposedly "lovely" all girls, private school that I travelled 20 miles to attend. My main bully, Joanna, 2 years older than me, unfortunately lived in the same village so our school paired her with me as a mentor. I had to put up with her at Guides each week, where she'd fake being nice to me and then it would begin again the next day on our trip to school. Thankfully only verbal abuse, but it was every single day and she and her posse made me feel worthless. I carry that feeling 40 years later.

I was bullied horribly at school. I honestly don't think about it at all why are you allowing past experience to steal your joy? Put it in an imaginary box. Turn the key and dump it

I was writing a post nearly similar . At different stages of my life I have had to ‘get over’ and process parts of the bullying.
Lately, my lovely 11 years old was asked out by a boy. My gut instinct was they were winding her up, because in year 7 all I had was abuse. Which is ridiculous. He isn’t and it’s very innocent and cute!
I moved to a big high school with no friends and they all knew each other. Hence I was targeted, and I was also not very self aware. I have good friends now.

I thought I had got over most things in my 20’s but still in my 40’s aspects still pop up and take me by surprise and upsets me.

Because trauma impacts the nervous system, hijacks your limbic system and brain, the overwhelming feelings of rage, fear, shame, the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response etc. The impact of addictions, eating disorders, getting into relationships which are abusive, self harm, needing to prove oneself, low self worth, the list goes on and on.

It's a complicated thing, complex trauma. Not everyone who is bullied gets this but many of us did. Child abuse is pretty devastating no matter who the perpetrator is or their age.

I would have made it my business to get him sacked.

My bully died following a horrific car crash. I felt a massive relief when I heard he had died, despite not having seen him for years.

I think if you're still hung up about secondary school bullying in your 30s, 40s and beyond, it's time to start therapy because it's long past time to let it go. You are giving those little wankers WAY too much importance in your life. Seriously, let it go.

Oh yes, it's that easy 🙄

FFS

Alternatively, volunteer with 14, 15, 16 year olds now and you'll just realise that they can be absolute assholes and you have spent way too much of your life caring about what young assholes think. LET IT GO!

How naive

You saying "hung up about it" sounds like a long-term response to trauma is something people choose. It's not even necessarily a conscious thing or one that preys on people's minds; this thread is full of people looking at how it affected them, how it shaped them.

Why would I want to inflict MORE teenage shitbags on myself? I had enough for one lifetime 45 years ago. I knew the bullies were worthless scum when it happened, I don't need a refresher course. 🙄

I'm so sorry to those of you who have had awful experiences. I always made sure that I stood up to every bully I ever saw and I am so glad that I did. Please know, the bully was the problem and not you!

One of my earliest memories is of a boy in school, he gave out party invitations and nobody in the class attended. I remember crying to my mum and begging her to take me as I couldn't bear thinking about this boy on his own. She couldn't for whatever reason. I hope he is okay.

I will always stand up for those being bullied. One bully actually said to me once ... "You're like a bully for the bullies." Not sure how to take that but, I definitely stood up for everyone and was well respected for it in school.

I still do the same at work, it's the same BS just more professional I guess. Hope everyone here remembers to stand up for others X

The problem with leaving it all behind you is that it has a habit of reappearing when you find yourself in the same situation in adult life. You never really learned to deal with it as a child. The underlying behavioural flaw, that is the inability to defend yourself is still a problem. And your reaction is to hope it goes away.
One of the mums at school tried to bully me a few years ago, brought her two hench girls with her and isolated me. Fortunately I have grown up and the situation she was upset about was all her own fault. Once I calmly explained to her what she had done her two friends disappeared. I wasn’t unpleasant, I just let her know how dangerous her actions were. It was a driving incident with a lot of witnesses although no accident happened she was driving inconsiderately and dangerously. My DH who was driving at the time stopped and asked her if everything was ok, she was highly embarrassed and took offence. He was concerned, but she didn’t see it that way.
Despite feeling like a rabbit in headlights I actually stood up to her. In the past I would have apologised and hidden for all eternity.