Was anyone else bullied in school and find it still affects you as an adult?

[skatykatie]

I was bullied back in secondary school and it left a pretty deep impact on my life. I'm in therapy and have come a long long way, but I feel my self esteem has always been pretty bad ever since. I know I'm a wonderful person capable of great things but I just dont give myself a chance or have the self belief I need.

Was anyone else bullied and find it left its mark on you?

The boy who sexually and physically assaulted me was sectioned about a decade ago. I wasn't at all surprised. Looking back he was extremely disturbed, but he was very smart, top sets for everything, which I think is one of the reasons my school ignored his despicable behaviour. I very much blame the adults around him and us, who did absolutely nothing to protect the girls (and sometimes boys) he hurt. But he also holds responsibility. Not all hurt people go on to hurt others. And I can't feel sorry for him. It's for others to have compassion, not me. He was very aware of what he was doing.

Thank you @skatykatie for starting this thread. Although it's awful so many women have been through similar, it's so helpful to know none of us is alone in it.

From what I've read, boys are accessing pornography younger and younger, and blatantly doing it in school in some cases, and their sexual harassment and assault of girls is even worse.

Hey everyone, sorry I wasnt able to get back to this thread sooner. I couldn't seem to log In. Thank you all so much for your replies and sharing your experiences and I'm so sorry that so many of us have dealt with bullying and the aftermath.

In response to some comments, I will say that I do attend therapy and have spoken at length about my experiences. However even my therapist has admitted that bullying can leave emotional scars.
I also in no way wish any harm on anyone who bullied me. This thread was just my way of sharing my experience and a way for those of us who have been bullied to relate to each other.

Seconding this.

I have retained the assumption that people don't want me around which is a shame as it stops me making more effort with people for fear of bothering them. This assumption extends to hobby groups and is very hard to shake.

I was bullied through mid primary school to secondary easing off at the end with a few die hards carrying on throughout. I went to a different 6th form as soon as i could. It ostracising, physical and verbal. Also occasional sexual aspects. I felt isolated more than anything and as though I was at fault because of the criticism at home.

I have very low self esteem but to be honest this is more because whatever the bullies said, my parents and brother echoed plus more deeply personal criticism.

I understand them better now- my mum wildly insecure and wanted automatically confident, charming kids to help with her own social confidence and status. My dad never wanted me around at all (schitzoid traits maybe). Brother golden child in a way and very critical of me when younger.

I have wonderful friends and a career path I am proud of. I make ballsy moves because I have little to lose as a PP said.

My close friends mean the world to me but i am quick to cut off someone new who is not working out as I'm simply not bothered whether hoardes of people like me. I have tried to be nice all my life and for a long period (as a child) it wasn't good enough so if someone doesn't like me, or treats me badly and it's not a genuine mistake then off they go.

One of my troubles was that bullies are manipulative. I can be tough and forthright but I am not manipulative. I was also very tall as a child so others were seen as small and cute when being really quite nasty at the time. If I stood up for myself I would be in trouble. That has affected my self image a lot, eating disorders etc even though I am an unremarkable height and size now (bit overweight thanks to some meds but not drastic). I still see myself as enormous though. My parents were horrified by my height and build. I don't mean my weight.

I have had therapy but am not sure how I will get past the belief that I am intrinsically wrong even if it bothers me less at times and more at others.

Any ideas welcome from those saying that adults should just move on from bullying.

I can understand everything you say , at the time I was being bullied I was also taking a pounding from my own brother mentally and physically , I hate him with a vengeance and have always kept him out of my life . all of it has messed my life up to the point that every day is a fight to get through , I keep people at a distance as their behaviours terrify me I have even been bullied by my own adult daughter which pushed me further into MH issues . I will NEVER be healed from any of it , I have the life I want through hard work and therapy but I have had to learn to live with the aftermath of bullying and abuse being constantly at my side .

Sorry should have linked that to @Avastmehearties .

Nah! Everyone got bullied. It did annoy me that I was sensible enough to know that as she was smaller than me and wore glasses and I was a 'good girl' I would have faced a lot of trouble if I hit her back. Still feel frustrated about that! But there was a bullying culture so I really did not feel picked on.

One of the encouraging things about this thread is that the Nelson Muntz, Gripper Stebson and Imelda Davis stereotype of a bully isn't being relied on. As mentioned most of the bullies tend to be the popular, academic, sporty pupils.

Yes really badly. We moved back to our hometown for support with our children (they’ve got Sen) and its knocked me really hard especially as a lot of people from school live here so it’s really tough.

Yes I was, but now if I feel someone is trying be too forceful or aggressive the bullied 14 year old in me turns into a feisty middle aged woman.
For example had an issue at school with the school mums bad behaviour and instead of being upset I told the mums involved how I felt, I told them directly that I was disappointed and disgusted with their behaviour and how they could fuck off and never speak to me again.
They haven’t, they know that I am not a pushover and I won’t tolerate nastiness towards me or my children.
(I completely understand that not everyone is like this and how bullying effects people for their rest of their lives and how heartbreaking it is - please no one think I am saying I am better than anyone else, it’s just how I deal with it).

(Just wanted to add - my husband often tells me that my behaviour is over reacting and aggressive if I feel someone has done something wrong).

Everyone got bullied

No they didn't

Yep . The ones teachers think butter wouldn't melt. My son was bullied by a child like this , the bully was subtle and clever with it . The teacher said Oh no , it couldn't possibly be him .

This child lived in a leafy lane detached house and the parents were church goers.
The child was a shit .

In other words he doesn't want to have to get involved when the shit hits the fan . He just wants you to shut up and put up. Don't move don't make waves . He just wants a quiet drama free life at your expense.

He’s just super chilled. He didn’t get bullied at school.

It’s like I feel that horrible feeling that washes over you when you get relentlessly picked on but the fight response kicks in and I get angry, sometimes I need to calm down. Like when someone at work crossed so many boundaries and refused to listen to me and it made me so angry whereas he would calmly think though options but I instantly feel the rage 😬, I get what he means.

So sorry for everyone who has been through this.

Thank you OP for starting this thread.

I'm a people pleaser and non confrontational, I hate to hurt people's feelings and as such attract some vile people into my life. Thank you @Winwit for what you said about learned helplessness - it really resonated. I think that when you have been in a situation that you can't leave you you learn this. I'm trying hard to remember it's them, not me and I deserve better. It's a life long process!

Yes by a group of ‘sporty’ bitches. They picked up on the fact I was better than them in one sport and it went from there.

Terrified me as they were a year older and always moved in a pack.

This has affected me in a good way in a a sense as it has partly contributed to me home educating my own DC (not my main reason, that’s to do with not agreeing with the education system) and I truly believe that school is an unhealthy and unnatural form of socialisation for children.

People say homeschooling is unhealthy socially and I laugh hollowly.

Sending hugs to those on here who were badly bullied.

Yup, I’m in middle age and I am definitely still affected by it. I’m a very different person now but it affects me when I’m being ‘judged’ like in interview situations - I think I’m rubbish at them because I get so self-conscious.
My dd is much younger, but exclusion type bullying was a big factor in deterioration of mental health.
Mine was more name calling and general unpopularity due to many factors.
As an adult I find it v easy to make friends as people aren’t as bothered by looks and much more interested in personality. I am lucky and have some amazing friends.
To add, even saying the above I often think newer friends aren’t interested if they’ve been out of contact for a bit or I’ve pissed them off if they don’t reply to WhatsApp quickly, etc. I’m also a big people pleaser which annoys me! I just want people to like me.

@Chilottane - I don’t agree that bullies had to have something going on in their lives.
Out of my class of 30, so approx 15 boys, only 4?didn’t call me names.
Two of them were geeky so not ‘in’ themselves and two were all round nice guys (weirdly the tallest and shortest boys in class so they probably got stick themselves).

Yes I’ve been bullied and it’s left a mark.
I went through some of secondary school being bullied by a so called friend. It only stopped when her family moved out of the area. Then some years ago I was bullied at work. This went on for some time and was just awful. I was left feeling suicidal and didn’t really have anyone to turn to. My own mother acknowledged I was being bullied, as did my partner but I was told to ‘keep looking for another job’. My MH was in tatters and I remember crying so hard one day after getting back home. The door bell rang (neighbour) and I couldn’t answer as I knew my mascara would be later down my face.
I hated my life and dreamt of suicide. I’ve got kids so knew I couldn’t ever do that to them. It’s affected every part of my life. I’m not very confident and it does show sometimes which makes me feel even worse. My DD when younger went through a nasty phase aimed specifically at me, and brought it back how fragile I must have been. I wondered what it was about me that brought the worst out in people. Im in my 50s now, have few friends and lack confidence.
I have my dog, go for walks, and chat to anyone who wants to but I always keep my safe distance.
Thank you OP for posting.

Yes. Still affects me 40 years on in my 50’s. Try to bury thoughts of it and get on with life but sometimes something happens to bring it all back. I fear certain situations and always worry incase my friends don’t really like me. I am scared of situations where I can’t leave easily to get away.