Was anyone else bullied in school and find it still affects you as an adult?

[skatykatie]

I was bullied back in secondary school and it left a pretty deep impact on my life. I'm in therapy and have come a long long way, but I feel my self esteem has always been pretty bad ever since. I know I'm a wonderful person capable of great things but I just dont give myself a chance or have the self belief I need.

Was anyone else bullied and find it left its mark on you?

I hear you on the hand-eye coordination! Mine was never good with gross motor skills, and once I had to wear glasses from 15 for short sight (I couldn't read the blackboard even from the front row) that was it. Glasses were glass in the 70s and I was terrified of the arseholes in my class throwing basketballs or softballs in my face. I couldn't catch the fucking things.

She also had the charming idea of making anyone who "forgot" their sport uniform wear their usual uniform inside out, and when that didn't work, she tried black rubbish bags. That didn't work either, it caused more amusement than anything else.

Horrible woman. Her name meant "dear" in German. Can hardly think of anything less appropriate.

Absolutely. I had an abusive home life where I had been taught that standing up for myself was not only futile but dangerous. I had been “trained” to assume that nobody would believe me if I attempted to let anyone know what was going on there… Because staying out of the way and being quiet was my way of avoiding trouble at home, I had taught myself to read via Sesame Street, etc, and had a rather advanced vocabulary. I couldn’t connect with kids my own age and they were loud, busy and intrusive to me at the time. It didn’t help that I had calipers up to my hips, either. I was teased about my “Spack Boots” because I couldn’t wear school shoes. I was teased about my name and anything they could come up with. Even though I knew they were cruel, I desperately wanted to fit in. My way of reacting was to withdraw and be silent. Basically shut down. I think this hard-wired me to not recognize that some older guys at a party weren’t being genuinely nice to me and at 14, had my drink spiked and you can guess the rest. I put myself in therapy very young and have worked on my self-esteem constantly. At 50+ I still expect the same kind of treatment (despite it very rarely happening) and loathe large group settings. I can’t concentrate enough to talk to people I know and trust because I am anxious and expecting some kind of attack.

Bullied at secondary school in Scotland by boys (I was new from England), I was tall and got called "ugly" and a "man". It caused my self-esteem to go through the floor and as with many others, I've never really recovered. Your childhood years don't ever leave you, particularly when there's painful events.

I don’t think there was anything wrong with me as such. I wasn’t fat or ugly or awful. Just quiet and not good at making friends. So I was an easy target because there was nobody to stand up for me. I was blanked a lot more than I was actively bullied, which actually was more hurtful. There were only a small minority of kids who said mean things to me and occasionally hit me - the vast majority just ignored my existence and wanted nothing to do with me. This is still my experience as an adult - people aren’t mean, they just want nothing to do with me. I still don’t know why.

I'm just very grateful that I've been able to move away from where I grew up. I realise now that when I did live there as an adult I always felt really on edge. Even when interacting with people that had nothing to do with my school years it was like I didn't want to let my guard down.

Yes, me too. I am very much a people pleaser and don’t quite feel that I am good enough. One of my bullies said a few years after we left school she was a bitch in school. It didn’t make up for the years of angst. She was a friend on Facebook but I deleted her eventually but I do still think about her from time to time. There were others but she was the ring leader. I am 50 now and still think about it.

I'm finding myself less angry at the bullies and more angry at the adults who just stood by and let my school become such a toxic environment. I know kids and teens are always going to be a bit mean but we were badly let down by the people who should have known better.

35 years later and I still have disordered eating and think I'm enormous ( objectively I'm not ) but avoiding getting fatter dominates my thoughts

Yes & I'm in my 50's now.
I went,as a day pupil,to a private all girls school & was bullied all the way through,because I was different. I desperately wanted to fit in though & spent all my time doing anything & everything to be liked,which the bullies obviously took advantage of. I felt so alone.
I was an only child & my parents ran pubs,so had no time for me but the older men in the pubs did (I'll leave that one to your imagination).
After school I went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship because I had no self worth & was grateful someone was paying me attention. I've had loads of therapy,some of it has helped but I still doubt people like me for who I am & overthink every relationship I have,friends & especially dh.
I think I'm finally feeling like 'fuck it' at 52,if you don't like me,or the way I look. I don't care but it's a work in progress still.

Yes, I was bullied by the boys at primary. Luckily, I got into an all girls grammar school, which was a bit of a haven for the geeky and weird, which probably saved my self esteem overall, but it's notable that I've never really had a long term relationship with a man to this day (and I'm heterosexual, unfortunately).

No it really doesn't 🙁
I actually did bump into one of bullies once, it didn't feel good!

I'm 42 and only on
The last couple of years have I realised that people actually do like me. The lack of confidence has been crippling.

I was badly bullied throughout primary & secondary school for being ugly & i think that has stuck a bit.

However completely agree with this from @Foxblue

'I have nothing to lose, so I am bold. I am happy to let people go, and I dont see the point of having people in my life who do not treat me well. Someone who makes mistakes, great - me too. Even someone who makes big mistakes. As long as they show growth. Someone who consistently treat me or others badly and shows no regret or remorse or apology.. uninterested. And I don't miss these people. And my life is more peaceful for it.
I am also fiercely independent, and it means that after a lot of turmoil from the above mentioned relationship issues, I am perfectly happy in my own company, and do not need nor actively yearn for a partner. It means that now, the relationships I do have are with men who respect me and know that any issues are there to be worked on as a team, not left for one person to 'deal with' '

I do believe it has made me a lot more mentally resilient and able to deal with shit & absolutely assert boundaries, that I will not compromise on.

I’m nearly 70.
I was bullied throughout primary school and secondary school, again during my career and by one of my sisters for the whole of my life.
I lack self esteem, feel like I have wasted my entire life because of my experiences although I had a success career helping others.
I’m a huge people pleaser yet no one looks out for me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes - all girls school. I still get very anxious about friendships, am hyper aware of being left out, stress over every conversation (‘why did I say that?’) and feel intrinsically unlikeable.

I did fight back and my mum was brilliant- she went to the school despite me pleading with her not to - the teachers intervened and the nasty stuff stopped although I was still ignored and isolated.

But I over compensate and am too needy with friends and I hate myself for it. Oh, there I go with the self loathing again.

Yes - all girls school. I still get very anxious about friendships, am hyper aware of being left out, stress over every conversation (‘why did I say that?’) and feel intrinsically unlikeable.

Totally agree 'theresnolimits'
I'm exactly the same!

yep, still affects me know.

All the way through secondary.

Parents didn't do a thing.

I endured a lad touching me every time we passed in the corridors too.

Hideous time.

Ridiculously, i made one of them my child's godmother after she reconnected and apologised in our early thirties. she dropped me again after a couple of years. Felt it all over again.

Yes definitely. I was bullied about something to do with my appearance. It made me very self conscious and lack self esteem. I'm still like that now.

A question for those here: Would you rather have changed schools or that your parents did something drastic to stop the bullying as an absolute priority over any academic criteria? Do you think your life might have turned out different?

So often, even today, it feels like kids are forced to just endure bullying as a rite of passage and the academic or social benefits of going to a particular school is still priority. FB groups are full of discussion about how schools deal with a particular situation, trying to communicate with the parents of the bullies, but most parents appear incredibly reluctant to even contemplate changing schools. That's seen as an absolute last resort even though it seems like the most obvious, quickest and easiest solution.

I was sat by a girl for 5 years who later went in to murder someone. Aside from the occasional nightmare, I can't say that I have ever given her much thought. That said, it effected my decision of where to send my son to school. He's very sensitive and unable to stick up for himself, so I sent him to private school so that I had more control and could choose a place with a good reputation for pastoral care. It's early days but so far his classmates have been wonderfully kind and supportive. He's definitely having a different experience to my secondary school days so far. I mean, can you just imagine what it must be like to not be scared of going to school?! It must feel fantastic!

Moving schools isn't always the right answer. There's sadly a stigma surrounding bullying and that maybe the victim deserved it.
There was this girl at our school who started halfway through Y10. It turns out she had to leave her previous school because other kids there were picking on her as her mum was a page 3 model. Soon enough the 'mean girls' found out and carried on

I was bullied at both primary and secondary. I'm still quite an insecure person, but it has made me a fierce advocate for fighting your corner.

I'm a teacher now (primary) and one thing parents always thank me for/comment on is how no-nonsense I am at dealing with poor behaviour and bullying. I think this helps me to deal with (/bury) a lot of what I went through.

Read Susan Cain power of quiet or introvert

Primary there was a some bullying here and there, but it really started at high school. If I reported any bullying nothing would be done, I'd be bullied even worse for reporting it. In the end you just put up with it, in year 9 age 14 I had a breakdown and didn't attend school for 6 weeks due to bullying. I had been spat at, one boy stabbed a compass point into my arm several times, called fat, ugly, bitch, cowbag, threatened to be hit, beaten, have my face smashed in (northern seaside town, not Blackpool). When I was 14 I got msn messenger and the bullying continued at home.

I'm glad.social media didn't exist to the extent it does now..it would have been unbearable.

At 16 I had panic attacks and at 17 I was prescribed anti depressants.

In sixth form I tried to commit suicide due to being accused of lying about something when I didn't and I being scapegoated and used to cover the backs of others, also called a cowbag and a troglodyte...

the then head of sixth form said I wear my heart on my sleeve...

It's has a huge impact on me, I would never go to a reunion, I don't have Facebook because people kept trying to add me. At one point I was so scared of bumping into people that I'd become ill.

I don't trust others, I'm anxious, panicky, depressed, history of self harm, eating disorders, constantly worried and hypervigilant, can't stand crowds, low self worth and esteem, I maladaptive daydream as a way of coping with trauma (raised as a Jehovah's witness, father was abusive ect).

I've labeled myself as weird and why can't I be normal to introvert, highly sensitive, to autistic.

@JenniferJupiterVenusandMars
I'm sorry 😞