Was anyone else bullied in school and find it still affects you as an adult?

[skatykatie]

I was bullied back in secondary school and it left a pretty deep impact on my life. I'm in therapy and have come a long long way, but I feel my self esteem has always been pretty bad ever since. I know I'm a wonderful person capable of great things but I just dont give myself a chance or have the self belief I need.

Was anyone else bullied and find it left its mark on you?

I was ostracised nearly everyday of primary school by a bitch who is now very high flying, whilst I am unable to work due to terrible MH.

Even though I loved secondary school, and was not bullied there, the 8 years of primary school fear, anxiety and constant misery has really affected me.

I considered drowning myself in the bath age 10 (no one knows this), to escape the utter misery of my existence.

As an adult I second guess everything, overanalyse everything I say, and am wary of groups of women for the fear of it happening again.

I haven’t been bullied since Primary school, but the effects are with me everyday. My mental health is poor, my self esteem, self worth and anxiety are all directly linked to the bullying.

I was an awkward vulnerable neurodivergent child who was an easy target.

The bully was confronted years later, but denied it, which makes me think that she is probably still a bully.

Yes and I've not ever really gotten over it.

Agree with so many of these posts. I did see the lead bully though when I was in my 20s. Can't say what I said to her as MN is still very 'be kjnd' but basically her face crumpled and she was pretty devastated by what I'd said. Which was good - that helped a lot with getting over the impacts of the bullying.

It's definitely had a detrimental affect on my life. I was completely isolated from my peers all the way through primary school because I had short hair and my bully made sure that I wasn't able to play with any of the girls. I ended up playing sport with the boys a bit, and ended up quite good, but I've had a fear of rejection ever since. I hit 50 last year and even though people were asking if I was having a party, there was absolutely no reason why I'd do this because I'd be terrified of nobody turning up.
She's now a community nurse and I find it impossible to believe how such a mean, spiteful person wanted to go for a caring profession.

Yes, bullied for being ugly, 'weird', unfashionably dressed. Verbally, and a lot of 'casual' slaps and punches delivered when someone walked past me. Ruined my confidence. Teachers didn't care much in those days - just got told to 'stay out of their way' (as if I'd been seeking them out 🙄).

Yes I was picked on but I got over it a long time ago if I'm honest. I don't think it's healthy to still hold on to anger from years and years ago. I'm happy with my life and I daresay whoever bullied me is probably happy with theirs, I don't wish any ill on them.

I feel like, for a lot of people, being bullied at school is still the defining "thing" of their life and something convenient to blame all sorts of issues on. Which I don't think is a healthy or pleasant way to live tbh. I tend to assume that, much like adults who behave horribly, children who bullied other children presumably had something nasty going on in their own lives to make them behave that way, and hopefully they've self reflected as adults and are better people. If they haven't, that's on them and doesn't affect me or my life.

@PauliesWalnuts I can relate to this. For years I couldn't understand how my school bully could go on to become a successful doctor.

She hasn't changed at all as I saw her at an event recently and she made a sarky comment to me.

But I have found some peace recently by writing her name on some paper and burning it while imagining an uncrossable boundary between her and me. Strangely enough, it really helped.

Good wishes to everyone who is struggling with this.

I really appreciate this thread. I’m definitely still affected - I’m very anxious and struggle around groups of women to not feel self conscious. I was bullied terribly for years and used to hide in teachers’ offices on the worst days. They did what they could but some teenage girls are just awful.

DH was also bullied for similar reasons - being too kind, a pushover, too clever, etc. and sometimes we talk about it. I’ve not even got any advice for a teenager being bullied apart from “just survive”.

Oh yes. I left school 30 years ago and still find it very hard to feel liked or normal. I have some lovely friends but I find the friendships with the men much easier and tend to prefer their company because with women I always feel on edge until I’ve known them a long time.

I’m not sure you ever get over feeling unlikeable.

It makes me so sad that there are a lot of us. Bullying really stunts your growth as a person in every single possible way and nearly always leave life long scars. It's hard to believe that things haven't improved much after all these years that bullying has come to be more talked about.

I have had bullying at school and abusive parents, not a great combination. My mother took forever to take basic action (she spoke to the school), but it was too little, too late. I saw my chief bully at university years on and I literally froze on the spot, I just couldn't move. It didn't help that we were both reading the same subject, so I used to see him time and again, which wasn't a good feeling. He always blanked me, didn't even acknowledged me, which was a bit of a relief coming to think of it.

I wish I could give every one you a hug and look into your eyes and say that it was never your fault, you never deserved it and that you are worth of love, of care and of compassion

Yes, I was badly bullied. It never leaves you. The damage it does is immense. I have an irrational dislike of school and teachers. I see a interview with a headteacher going on about how there is no bullying in their school on TV for example, and just think 'Bullshit'. There is, they just don't care.

Some teachers felt I needed to toughen up and I was too sensitive 🥺 No I just needed you to get the kids to be decent human beings.

I so wish I could go back and punch them in the face. Mum always told me turn the other cheek, trouble is they slapped that one too.

I changed schools aged 14 to the one nearer my home and which my friends went to. That was a huge mistake.

My friends soon ostracised me, tole me that they all hated me, listed all my faults and said they wouldn't speak to me till I changed. I had no one else. So I spent most of my days in silence. Or having wastepaper bins tipped over me. Or being sworn at and abused. It was fucking awful. I hid in the library most of the time.

I later made a friend in 6th form. Which was nice. But then my english teacher started bullying me. A character assassination every week. Week after week of being told I would always be a failure, I had no personality, I should be more like another girl. It was relentless.

As an adult I had a group of friends and one of them decided to freeze me out. I've never known why. She somehow dictated to everyone that they all had to drop me and for some reason they did. These were grown women in their 20s and 30s. Eventually I was 'allowed' back in. The ringleader was always on at me, telling me what to do, how I should live my life. I don't know why everyone put up with it really. It all came to a head when she fucked my boyfriend and I dumped her. I ended up meeting my wonderful husband and am extremely happily married. She is a twisted bitter bitch who doesn't have a quarter of the life I have.

All the same, I haven't ever really got completely over all the bullying. I still think all my friends hate me, or barely tolerate me, am very over-sensitive about being left out and feel deeply unlikeable a lot of the time.

What a bunch of bitches.

I was bullied from the age of 10 until I left secondary school and went to sixth form. It left me with life long depression, low self esteem and anxiety.

I am on a combination of antidepressants, and I’m also trying to apply the things I learned from CBT. It is still a work in progress and I have bad days when I wonder why people like me, because I hate myself - and I really struggle to look after myself, so my weight has gone up and up. Add in long covid, and I now struggle with mobility, so losing weight seems impossible.

I was repeatedly bullied at a Girls' Grammar School by Headmistress and Deputy for not having the correct uniform. I had jumpers confiscated, detentions - meaning I missed the only school bus and had to walk miles home. I didn't mention it at home because there was little point - it wouldn't have got me the correct uniform.

I did try and confide in Headteacher and say that I would get the correct skirt in due course - the uniform grant had been spent on shoes and coat - and she bellowed and yelled at me and ushered me out of school assembly in front of a few hundred other girls.

Now, I can't even walk down that road without trembling, and I've got a hang up with clothes. Have far too many - compensation, I think.

I was bulliedd but luckily I had a I loving family and from 6th form on I had great friends. I had always done well academically which meant I could get some self esteem from there plus a very encouraging boss and a good job for many years which undid much of it.

I do think the hurt needs to be undone somehow so if you have a family/ partner/ job who really build you up then the damage can be reversed. But if you just end up in situations which make it worse (abusive partner, demanding boss etc) then it's going to deepen.

Yes, it still affects me. I'm 51 now and I still have zero self-esteem and crippling social anxiety. My inner voice constantly tells me how ugly and useless I am, and I still battle the urge to self-harm that started in primary school. I will probably go to my grave hating myself, and yet the people who planted these seeds probably don't even remember I exist.

I so wish I could go back and punch them in the face. Mum always told me turn the other cheek, trouble is they slapped that one too.

Oh God, yes yes yes to this. I wish I hadn’t been brought up to walk away or tell someone because it doesn’t work. I wish I’d have kicked the shit out of the ring leader in year 7 and been done with it.

I’ve told my kids that if they are ever in the situation where they are being bullied to punch whoever it is as hard as they can in the face and that I’d back them 100%.

This is exactly it. Now I’m a parent I would be horrified if this was happening to my DC and would do anything to stop it. I can’t understand why my own mother told me to shut up because me mentioning the bullying upset HER. The teachers also did nothing, despite knowing fine well what was happening. Again, I don’t understand why they turned a blind eye. I can only assume it was “just a job” and they were there to get through their shift and take their pay packet home. Why help a child when you can just pretend not to notice and it’s less work for you!

A question for those here: Would you rather have changed schools or that your parents did something drastic to stop the bullying as an absolute priority over any academic criteria?
Yes I should have been moved to another school. Academics are worthless if you end up killing yourself, which I attempted a few times because it was the only escape. But at the end of the day it was about money - I had to go to the school within walking distance because my parents had no money for bus fares to another school, end of discussion.

Yes similar to me, I didn't think it was bullying because it wasn't physical.

Things changed (for the better) in sixth form, people seemed to grow up then.

But it does affect your self confidence and I tend to avoid social situations.

People who say that girls' schools are not bitchy didn't go to one!

Would you rather have changed schools or that your parents did something drastic to stop the bullying as an absolute priority over any academic criteria

I don't think changing schools would have changed the fact I was square and didn't fit in, so it would have probably made no difference.

I was never bullied in school but was very badly bullied at work. It took a huge toll on my self esteem.

@Foxblue I could have written this. Naively didn't think the bullying I'd had at secondary school had affected me as an adult but clearly it has. I let people slip away and it doesn't much bother me which I accept might appear cold or hurtful. I keep people at arms length to an extent and I hadn't realised why.

DD was bullied in year 7. Fortunately it was effectively dealt with. Then she was bullied in year 10 by someone who had been her best friend and turned on her (it was over a boy). DD became depressed, bordeline anorexic and was self harming. This time the school was useless.

DD is 23 now and still medicated for the anxiety it has caused. She still has low self esteem and low resilience when people get bossy with her.

I am so angry with the way schools don't deal with bullying and bullies. I get that the victims need help to gain more resilience, but I think part of achieving the resilience is allowing the victims to know that the bully has been dealt with. Getting some kind of closure must surely help.

Ironically, both the bullies, who were queen bee types are no longer the queen bees they used to be. As everyone got older and more mature they saw the bullies for what they were - manipulative bitches (I make no apology for that comment). Their "friends" melted away, and a few years later DD had an apology from one of the girls who was told not to be friends with her by bully 1.

for everyone who has had a horrific time.