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Original poster

Do you ask for your children's house key to be returned when they leave home?

344 replies

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 08:49

Me and my 3 siblings all left home in the late 90's at various ages from 18 to 20, some of us off to Uni, and others moved away with work. We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

Was this normal for that time? Or is this odd? I didn't really know any different so assumed it was what was done but now with my own adult children it has struck me as a really odd thing to do.

OP posts:
saythatagaintome · 16/11/2023 20:03

OP I’m so sorry 😢
I can tell that is a source of upset for you, as it should be, honestly… that’s really odd and a bit unloving tbh.

my parents were harsh and I couldn’t wait to leave home, but to this day I still have a key to their door…also welcomed anytime.

Not at all normal to treat your children like that. But who knows how they were raised?

SoFuckingTired · 16/11/2023 20:04

Comedycook · 16/11/2023 09:03

Oh that's so sad.

I went to uni in 2000....I would often go home at weekends and every holiday so Easter, Christmas and summer etc. Did it without question. I don't think I'd even have mentioned I'm coming home this weekend, I'd have just turned up. Everyone I knew at uni did the same thing. I'd say what happened to you and your siblings was very unusual. I can understand more when you have got your own place and are working but when you're still a student, it seems incredibly mean spirited to effectively say you're on your own now.

Show quote history

Same here (went to uni in '99). One of my housemates parents moved to another part of the UK during out 3rd year and they made it clear they weren't expecting her back. I remember being shocked and feeling very sad for her.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 16/11/2023 20:05

Awww OP that’s really sad, and so sad for your brother.
I don’t have a key to my parents houses, they have both remarried and neither places feel like a home to me at all.
we don’t have any door keys cos we lost them, but my door is always unlocked and my DCs (28, 24, 20) are always welcome. My eldest has just moved out after a year with us as she wanted to save money for a flat (we never charge rent).

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Families
saythatagaintome · 16/11/2023 20:07

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 16/11/2023 09:01

My husbands cousin has a baby with a girl who is 17 I think and she still lives with her parents, she's not allowed a key and not allowed to be at home alone. So if her parents go out, she has to leave the house too.

What??? 😭

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 16/11/2023 20:13

I've never NOT had a key to my DPs house. Kept mine when I moved out, and when they've moved since they've given me and DB keys as soon as they could get them cut! I let myself in when they're not home, say if I'm meeting them and they're not back yet from wherever.

My DBs GF when he was 17/18 stayed with us for a week straight during the summer holidays, not agreed or planned really, she just didn't go home for a bit. When she went home (7 days later!) her parents had sold her bed, put all her belongings including clothes in boxes, and turned her bedroom into an office. They couldn't understand why she was upset and seemed to think she could move in with us without any discussion. Utterly batshit.

WannaLiveInABubble · 16/11/2023 20:13

I have a key to parents home. Each time they've moved they've had new keys cut for us.
When dcs move out they'll keep the key too.

Darklane · 16/11/2023 20:14

I still had a key to dad’s cottage till he died last year aged 97. Mum died when I was a child. DS has always had a key to our place.

Ppzd · 16/11/2023 20:19

It does seem to be a very cold thing to do in my eyes. I've got 3 siblings too and although at 18 or so my dad and my big brother had a few arguments when he left, he would still have a key and always be welcome. My big sister also had a rough patch in her mid twenties and she went back to live with my dad for months, without ever feeling unwelcome or anything (my parents divorced when I was 11, but we were all welcomed in the same way at both my mom's or dad's, it's just that my dad stayed in our childhood home so that's where we felt most connected to I guess). I find it heartwarming that you instinctively don't want to repeat what your parents did with your own adult kids 🥰

Original poster
heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 20:21

Findinganewme · 16/11/2023 19:49

It seems like you know that this isn’t very normal, in some part of your heart? It must be so hurtful. I can’t imagine leaning my son (he’s almost 12) crying in a phone box. I’d be racing to get him and hug him. The fact that friends intervened, shows how non-standard your parents behaviour was. I can’t believe they left him at a friends for the duration of the holiday. I can’t imagine knowing that my child is local, but not see them. To birth and raise a child and then lock the doors on them….doesn’t make sense to me.

a few of our relatives and neighbours have kids who have just gone to uni and they’re finding their homes empty and really missing their kids. 18 is still so young. To be fair, I think most parents worry for their kids and adore them, whether they’re 4, 40, 80…

I set off to uni over 20 years ago, and I still have a key to my parents home. I live in a different city to them so I don’t use it, but the message clearly is, that their home is my home.

I hope you’re ok OP. What’s your relationship like with your siblings? I do hope that you’re there for each other.

My relationship with my siblings is very strong as we all feel the same way about our parents - we find solace in talking to each other and it cements things for us that we know we will do the complete opposite with our children

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 16/11/2023 20:27

I think this is odd. I have a key to my parents' house and I have never lived there. They didn't even buy it until I was 35 and married with a child of my own.

StripeyDeckchair · 16/11/2023 20:33

I didn't have a key to my parents house when I lived there as a child / teen.
Left home at 18 & lived in various places until in my 30s moved hkaf an hour from them.
After one too many times phoning from the front doorstep I was finally given a front door key, which I still have.

Ineedanewmoniker · 16/11/2023 20:36

My dc have their own homes but this is their home too. They have keys and are always welcome. To me that is normal.

OneHornedFlyingPurplePeopleEater · 16/11/2023 20:43

How sad for you. It's great that you can recognise it though and not carry on that pattern of behaviour.
Thats assuming if you have children, you wouldn't do the same to them.

I still have a key to my parents house. Although it's rarely needed as the door isn't generally locked.
I also didn't have a bedroom after I left (big family), but there's no way I ever felt unwelcome.

Galatine · 16/11/2023 20:57

My grown up DC always have a welcome at our house. It's unlikely given their circumstances, but hey can aways have a room with us if they should need it. Although they are very independent they are our children whom we nurtured. why would we not be ready to give them whatever help they needed. (I realise that we are fortunate to be able to do this).

user1471556818 · 16/11/2023 21:05

My ds has a key and I have a key to his house.Both my dh and I had parents who asked for their keys back as soon as we left home .
Seemed to be more the way it was at that time .

AuntyMabelandPippin · 16/11/2023 21:39

That's so awful.

My boys have always had keys, we've changed the front door but got new keys cut. They know there's always space for them here if they need it at any time.

Sceptre86 · 16/11/2023 23:05

It's been 10 years since I moved away and I have a key to my parents home.They recently had a new lock fitted and cut me a key. My son is 6 and recently asked why I had a key to his grandparents home and my dad piped up that it would always be my home hence the key.

Original poster
heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 23:07

Sceptre86 · 16/11/2023 23:05

It's been 10 years since I moved away and I have a key to my parents home.They recently had a new lock fitted and cut me a key. My son is 6 and recently asked why I had a key to his grandparents home and my dad piped up that it would always be my home hence the key.

That's lovely 😊

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 16/11/2023 23:09

Normally you keep your key and get one to any new house they move to. And kids usually let themselves in until maybe mid 20s. And then they give their parents keys to their houses too, then everyone knocks unless they are there when you are not. Only prearranged of course eg babysitting.

mumtum2023 · 16/11/2023 23:11

Had a key from age 12 until now. I'm 30.
Parents have since moved and gave a new key for the new house. I moved out when I was 21. They decorated my old room pretty much straight after but I would've always been welcome back if I'd needed to go home.

moonriverandme · 16/11/2023 23:12

My daughter hasn't lived here for 6 years. She still has a key, this will always be her home.

ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn · 16/11/2023 23:14

I wasn’t allowed a key in the first place., so nothing to give back. I was shall we say, “strongly encouraged” to leave. Left “home” at the age of 20 in the early nineties, never been back to stay or live.

whenindoubtgotothelibrary · 17/11/2023 00:01

My parents were very like the OP's. I went to university in the 1980s and never went back if I could possibly help it. I never had a key anyway, and I certainly don't want one now.

My relationship with my own dc is very different, I'm glad to say!

Snugglemonkey · 17/11/2023 00:11

I left in tbe late 90's with my key. I still have a key. The door was changed, but I got given a new key. I still have some stuff in the drawers in my room to make it easier when I stay.

ZenNudist · 17/11/2023 00:11

Not normal and a bit mean.

I never gave my key back but at some point they got a new door decades ago probably and I didn't get a key. Didn't need one as I don't live nearby.