Do you ask for your children's house key to be returned when they leave home?

[heartsinvisiblefury]

Me and my 3 siblings all left home in the late 90's at various ages from 18 to 20, some of us off to Uni, and others moved away with work. We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

Was this normal for that time? Or is this odd? I didn't really know any different so assumed it was what was done but now with my own adult children it has struck me as a really odd thing to do.

I've told my babies (16, 14 and 12) that they're never allowed to leave and have to stay with mummy and daddy forever.

Apparently that's unreasonable. Ugh. Oh well. Next best thing is them keeping their keys.

I have a key for my mum's house. I don't actually want the key and don't visit her because she was a shite mum but at least I have her to thank for the wonderful relationship I have with my kids. I used mum and dad as an example of everything NOT to do. So far it's working great and my children and I are close and happy.

That's madness! My 2 left home when they were in their mid 20s, both early 40s now. They have both (separately) lived back here for a time, after relationship break-ups. One was here for 3 years, and his 2 sons had their own room here, when they stayed every other weekend. Both ACs have still got a key each. They sometimes call here, unannounced. This will ALWAYS be a home for them, should ever they need it.

I moved out 20 years ago and I still have a key to my mum's house. That seems odd and cold behaviour from your parents OP I'm sorry.

I still have a key to my parents as do DC’s to the family home even though we live in different countries. Our home will always be DC’s home if they want to visit or stay.

In fact I’ve still got a bedroom at my mums but my children have taken it over and filled the room with there things

That is absolutely heartbreaking.
This whole thing isn’t really about keys, it’s about terrible parenting.

I am nearly 60 and I still have a key to my parents home / my childhood home. I know my siblings have the same.
My girls who are 35+ have keys to our house. Even the one who lives in the USA!

Sorry OP. I always had an awkward relationship with my Dad (we were quite alike) but despite this I had a key to the house until he died and I knew he would never say I couldn't stay.

It was one of the things that was so unsettling about being orphaned (at 42!). Knowing the safety mat had gone.

I also had a key to my grandparents for years - always welcome there and woe betide you if you rang the bell (it was a long way to the door from my Gran's preferred sitting place). Their house was a real hub - if you dropped in at lunchtime on a Saturday there was always lunch which was a good way to catch up with other family members and continued after my Gran died right up until my Grandfather went into a nursing home.

I don’t have a key to my parents house and I don’t remember when I gave it or was asked for it back. But I left home about thirty years ago so could have been any time after that, I think it was because they changed the locks after having been burgled and also put in an alarm system. So that was the shift to them letting me in, if that makes sense.
DD who is in third year at university now has her key to my house still and her bedroom here. She does usually tell me when she is going to come home though, but that’s just what she has always done. I cannot see a point or reason I would ever ask for it back. I’d probably make sure she had a key if I changed the locks.

I had to give my key back when I left home roughly 29 years ago. They asked for it. They've always been cold towards me though and my sibling.
The relationship is strained through no fault of my own

My son does not live with me but he and step sons have keys to the front door. They are welcome to let themselves in whenever they want. Usually I know when ever any of them are coming so it's never a surprise as such but I would never have a problem if they did. They all know they are welcome at any time.

I'm sorry to all those whose parents made them feel uncomfortable.

I don't think I had keys to my parents last home but it was so tiny I never would have stayed there anyway.

I still have the same key I had when I left home 30 years ago! I went back home once 4 years after I left, before moving out permanently. My sister was backwards and forwards for a decade until she moved out permanently, she still has her key.

Also my DSD still has her key, she moved out 11 years ago.

I'm sorry, that's so sad. I hope you have gone on to build a lovely life for yourself. x

There's no way I could have gone back to my parents' houses without giving them plenty of advance notice, once I'd left home at 18. They both moved soon after I left home and I was never given keys and never had a room at my father's house from the age of 10 onwards.

Different times I guess.

I'm the same as you op. Had to give my key back when I moved out. My 2 adult DC have a key to my house

I left home 30years ago and still have my key.

I think it's awful that your parents have not only asked for the keys back but you have to give a weeks notice??? Something similar happened to a friend of mine and honestly my relationship with my parents is way stronger than his.

I have never had a key to my parents house. I was always expected to be in before they went to bed.
I have no doubt that if I phoned up at any point and said that I needed to come and stay immediately they would be dashing back from wherever they were to check I was okay and let me in.

It's not about the key. It's about the attitude.

I must be a similar age to you. I left home for uni, came back in the holidays, lived at home
for a couple of years when I first started work, now live a few hours away but still have keys to my parents house! They actually curse me if I go for the weekend and forget to take them and have to borrow a spare set. I’ve never thought to ask if my brother who lives close to them has a set……I’ve always assumed he does but probably has less use for them then I do.

We all kept our keys but when our parents eventually moved house, we weren't given new keys.

It seems like you know that this isn’t very normal, in some part of your heart? It must be so hurtful. I can’t imagine leaning my son (he’s almost 12) crying in a phone box. I’d be racing to get him and hug him. The fact that friends intervened, shows how non-standard your parents behaviour was. I can’t believe they left him at a friends for the duration of the holiday. I can’t imagine knowing that my child is local, but not see them. To birth and raise a child and then lock the doors on them….doesn’t make sense to me.

a few of our relatives and neighbours have kids who have just gone to uni and they’re finding their homes empty and really missing their kids. 18 is still so young. To be fair, I think most parents worry for their kids and adore them, whether they’re 4, 40, 80…

I set off to uni over 20 years ago, and I still have a key to my parents home. I live in a different city to them so I don’t use it, but the message clearly is, that their home is my home.

I hope you’re ok OP. What’s your relationship like with your siblings? I do hope that you’re there for each other.

I don't remember an official handover but I don't have a key to my Parent's house now and haven't for years and years so it must have happened at some point.

That sounds unusual.

I don't remember returning my key, but I don't remember having one after I left either. Who knows. It's a long time ago. But my parents certainly weren't as unwelcoming as that and I know I could have stayed at home longer if I wanted to. I certainly spent a long summer there aged 21 between two degrees.

Nobody in our house has their own key! We have one in the front door (taken out if we lock it and somebody might need to open from other side) and a key box. Our kids are at Uni are still very much have their own rooms, though spending less and less time there now.

I always had a key to my dms house and still do.

My dds used and my dm to but then we had a new front door so never got round to giving them keys

@heartsinvisiblefury

We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

No that’s actually really cruel. Sorry.

Odd, I went to uni in the 90s and kept my house key. I was welcome back whenever and visited regularly. I then moved back to save money while doing a postgrad and stayed until I moved in with DH.

I still had a key until they changed the doors, but they have a secure spare that my sibling and I can access if we need it.

My sibling moved home for what was supposed to be a couple of weeks during a house sale complete with spouse and teenager.

We have both been told we are always welcome.

Most of my friends were welcome back with their parents, but DHs parents were like yours. He hasn't quite forgiven them for not having him back during a difficult time.