Just saw husband's phone - please help

[shockedwife8]

For context husband and I are currently having marriage counselling. We've both said we want things to improve and to stay together and make it work. We have 1 DC3. No history of infidelity or anything but resentment built up after birth of child and we've been arguing hence seeking the counselling. Also husband lost some of our savings on crypto without telling me at first so trust was an issue though he's been remorseful and taken steps forward on that. I've gone off sex completely which he has really struggled with. So that's the context. We both know it needs to improve and we are committed to trying - or so I thought.

Last night we opened a bottle of wine. I had 2 glasses before going to bed around 10.30. Husband said he wanted to stay up and watch a film. He's then sat and polished off a whole other bottle of wine and didn't come to bed until about 2am.

This morning my DC3 was playing with Daddy's phone. We were in our bed and husband had gone to shower. DC switched onto the browser and up popped some messages with emojis and photos. It's an OnlyFans chat with a woman. He's been chatting all last night, stuff about what he wanted to do etc and her sending photos etc. Wank fodder basically.

Even at this point I'm thinking - it's gross but he was drunk and I guess it's similar to watching porn... however - I then scroll down and see he's been chatting up her THIS MORNING, at 8.00 am whilst in our bed!! Whilst I was reading books with our DC3. He's told her he's going to shower and she's said some grim stuff about what she wants to do in the shower and he's saying "ok babe" and similar.

I am feeling really shaken and horrible whilst trying to get my DC ready cheerily. Feel sick! Am trying to just breathe and think calmly but am in shock.

Got Dc downstairs and set them up with cereal and an iPad so they will be distracted, then I took husband into kitchen and quietly told him what I saw. I said I want him to take DC out to the playground this morning. We have a preschooler cinema booking later and we're meant to be having a babysitter tonight so we could go out for a nice dinner and spend some time as a couple. Table is booked at nice restaurant. He said he thinks he's still drunk.

Ffs I brought him a coffee in bed and found him some paracetamol for his headache and all the time he was messaging this person.

I'm locked in the bathroom having my shower time now. What the fuck do I do???

Please help, I have no-one else to talk to.

Yes there was.

Its shitty. My ex sat in his chair watching porn on silent whilst i was busy cooking HIS Dinner!!! Had grandson here at time luckily he was on Xbox. I seen the reflection of his screen in the dresser. I went... absolutely...mental....after DGS left oc. The slow demise of a shitty relationship. I cook sweet FA for any man now...nor will i. Im looking after myself only...OP you only need to care for yourself and DC. Your husband is a shit bag

Divorce. Life is too short for you to sacrifice your mental and emotional wellbeing any longer for the sake of trying to save this hopeless marriage. It will only get worse - you are already in counselling and this is how seriously/the effort he is putting in to make things worse? He has no respect for you as his wife or the mother of his children. I wouldn't even get into any further discussion about it. It would only end badly. You will never be able to trust him. Just go about your day with total indifference to him. Speak to him very casually about only necessary things and meantime be figuring out how to separate. I speak from experience and have seen too much in my friends' relationships too. It's doomed. Get out before he erodes your self worth.

If be asking him to go to a hotel. I've been in your position op and sadly it doesn't improve imho. I should've LTB the first time he did it.

Sorry op

Please don’t sit in silence all alone
if you need to call Samaritans- they are there to listen to your shock, and to help you talk it out in terms of immediate plan in next 2 days or so
you are not alone. Reach out

Go to the hotel. When he asks you why, tell him that you're going to spend the whole night quaffing wine, and connecting with lots of men on-line.

Tell him that you'll be sending other men nude photos of yourself and also telling them what you'd like to do sexually with them.

Say that you might even go on to a male escort site and pay to have a webcam session with another man.

If he DARES to object, I'd just say "But that's what we're doing now, isn't it? Surely, if it's okay for you to connect with other women, then it's okay for me to connect with other men?"

Then go. And - I'd actually join some dating sites and chat with other men. See how he likes it.

Wish i had this advice when i was younger OP. He will not change, he will promise things but he will go back to betraying you. Accept it now , it will destroy you

I love this!!! And why not?
Id also take his phone and laptop with me too. Let him sit without entertainment for the evening whilst you enjoy yours

The thing is though, he knows what's he's doing is wrong. That's WHY he's doing it. Because he's getting his kicks from crossing a line. Going to the hotel might shock him out of it for a few months but he'll be at it again before too long.

I don't want to lower myself to his level, and I don't think using words like whore and c*nt are very helpful (to the pp upthread). It's not a game, it's my life. I'm not trying to score points. I obviously didn't marry expecting this to and he's not been a total arse from day 1 otherwise things wouldn't feel so complex.

He's behaved despicably today though and I need a few hours by myself to organise my thoughts as I've not been alone properly since it happened.

Op I have a child the exact same age. They can and WILL pick up on tension and weird vibes. Think of them if you won’t think of yourself.

I’d book a hotel for a few nights and take my 3yr old with me and have a fun evening with a good dinner and sweets/chocolate and watch a movie.
Is get my head clear and then tell partner the marriage is dead.

I don’t say that lightly. But the thought of my partner being in the same bed as my child and getting aroused and sending disgusting messages is SICK to me. It’s really perverted. Can you imagine doing the same? Of course you aren’t because you aren’t a twisted pervert. The fact he did it next to you is a disgrace but your child was there FFS! If you stay with this man what else will your child be possibly exposed to?

Your life would be so much less stressful for you without this man baby. He’s broken trust over and over again. He isn’t your child and you shouldn’t have to feel you need to monitor him. I agree with PP he’s saying he’s got addictions when really he is just a selfish piece of shit who puts his own needs first. Time to put yourself and your own child first!

I haven't rtft, but it seems like you are trying to find justifications for his behaviour, or why it wasn't fully his fault he did this. It is totally his fault. He chose to do it. And then do it again in the morning without even the flimsy excuse of alcohol. A person who regularly drinks quite a lot will not still be drunk at 8 in the morning, even if the alcohol isn't 100% out of their system.

In all honesty this would be a deal breaker for me and I would be ending the relationship.

A person who regularly drinks a lot will have the same amount of alcohol in their system as someone who doesn't drink regularly. A unit of alcohol takes 1 hour for the body to process, and unless you have an unusual metabolism, that's the norm! Do you mean he may appear less hungover?

OP, you don’t have to make any decisions today, this week, next week.

Just get through one minute at a time. Treat yourself kindly. Focus your energy on yourself and your DC. That’s all you have to do.

Sending love.

So he pays women for sexual favours. Are you not concerned about what he does when he’s away in hotels?

Any man who was using family money on OF/porn/whatever other addictions he has would not be remotely attractive to me. I cannot see how anyone with an ounce of self esteem could just ignore this and stay in the excuse of a relationship.

I urge you to confide in someone in real life OP. 💐 You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, this is all his behaviour.

I agree. He has lost interest.
It is very hard to get that interest back once it has gone.

Plus I would think about it every time he even slightly annoyed me leaving dirty socks on the floor or something else inane.

Hope you’re ok OP. Please do go to a hotel if being completely alone and disconnected is what you need for a few hours. He can manage the kids.

@capabilityfrowns I'm not a troll, and I don't know why anyone would do that. I've name changed but I've been on here for years and ousted about our marriage issues as well as our DC.

I'm just seeking support as I have no-one else to ask. Not sure why that's so hard to understand.

You really are expecting a lot of a guy that has shown you he really doesn't care about you. If he's prepared to be messaging a sex worker when you are lying right next to him in bed then he will not give 2 figs that you have left for a hotel. Do you really think he will care that you are in a hotel? He'll be glad that he doesn't have to deal with you and answer to his actions regarding the OnlyFans stuff. He will feel he is off the hook for the night, meanwhile you will be feeling rubbish on your own and worrying about things and your DC. Why not just sleep on the sofa so you are in the comfort of your home but make the point you don't want to be in a bed with him. Or sleep in your DC's room with them if possible. Right now you need to throw yourself into being the best mum you can be and solidifying your relationship with DC because it will just be the 2 of you soon enough. Being a parent is a very definite positive way to channel your resolve. I did the hotel thing when I found out my ex was having an affair. Thought it was me making a point and taking control. It just cost me money and i had a miserable, sleepless night. The ex slept soundly in the house and was glad that i was away as it meant he got to dodge an atmosphere etc. I didn't have a child at the time. If I did have a child I wouldn't have done the hotel thing.

I am trying not to overreact but a man that will happily send sexual messages to another woman and get turned on when his CHILD is in the bed is deeply concerning. I think you do need to raise this with someone. It crosses a boundary that most parents would never dream of crossing. It's sickening.

I could never, ever get over this.

I think you know this is more than a red flag, it's a kingsized bedsheet in crimson he is wrapping himself in and cavorting around you with. We always regret more what we let pass in relationships; that "I did know that, so why did I let him continue?" feeling makes us feel self blame for years post break-up. You need to take control of your life again and stand up for yourself and your DC.
I don't think revenge is the way to go here (pp about hooking up with guys etc) and it's unlikely you're in the mood for any more male energy in your life right now. Focus on the life you want with your DC, free from the worry, the shame, the blame, the guilt, the soul crushing disrespect that this man brings to your life. Don't let your child grow up thinking that this man is an adult they should emulate.