Just saw husband's phone - please help

[shockedwife8]

For context husband and I are currently having marriage counselling. We've both said we want things to improve and to stay together and make it work. We have 1 DC3. No history of infidelity or anything but resentment built up after birth of child and we've been arguing hence seeking the counselling. Also husband lost some of our savings on crypto without telling me at first so trust was an issue though he's been remorseful and taken steps forward on that. I've gone off sex completely which he has really struggled with. So that's the context. We both know it needs to improve and we are committed to trying - or so I thought.

Last night we opened a bottle of wine. I had 2 glasses before going to bed around 10.30. Husband said he wanted to stay up and watch a film. He's then sat and polished off a whole other bottle of wine and didn't come to bed until about 2am.

This morning my DC3 was playing with Daddy's phone. We were in our bed and husband had gone to shower. DC switched onto the browser and up popped some messages with emojis and photos. It's an OnlyFans chat with a woman. He's been chatting all last night, stuff about what he wanted to do etc and her sending photos etc. Wank fodder basically.

Even at this point I'm thinking - it's gross but he was drunk and I guess it's similar to watching porn... however - I then scroll down and see he's been chatting up her THIS MORNING, at 8.00 am whilst in our bed!! Whilst I was reading books with our DC3. He's told her he's going to shower and she's said some grim stuff about what she wants to do in the shower and he's saying "ok babe" and similar.

I am feeling really shaken and horrible whilst trying to get my DC ready cheerily. Feel sick! Am trying to just breathe and think calmly but am in shock.

Got Dc downstairs and set them up with cereal and an iPad so they will be distracted, then I took husband into kitchen and quietly told him what I saw. I said I want him to take DC out to the playground this morning. We have a preschooler cinema booking later and we're meant to be having a babysitter tonight so we could go out for a nice dinner and spend some time as a couple. Table is booked at nice restaurant. He said he thinks he's still drunk.

Ffs I brought him a coffee in bed and found him some paracetamol for his headache and all the time he was messaging this person.

I'm locked in the bathroom having my shower time now. What the fuck do I do???

Please help, I have no-one else to talk to.

You poor thing.
Poor him being hungover - Not!!

Tough shit for him, he drank too much wine.

Keep your focus on yourself. He's a grown man not a baby.
He's got addiction issues. If not treated the person just moves the addiction, he needs addiction counselling.

Do not blame yourself for not having sex for what he is doing.
He didn't do the crypto because you had no money to buy groceries. No.
He did it because he's an addict. Same with the porn.

Don't make his problem your problem, be very clear about that.

Be very very careful when your mind starts going to the fragile 'poor him he's so hungover'. That's a co-dependent defence mechanism, it happens where if you get difficult feelings, your mind looks around for a fragile part of someone else to 'mother'.

It serves to distract you from having to deal with the fact he's treating you and your marriage like absolute shit.

I'd cancel the friends visit tomorrow just to have breathing space.

If you can trust him not to drink when you are at the hotel then go to the hotel.

He needs some sort of wake up call and something to mark the Boundary that you are not tolerating or brushing this under the carpet.

Have you anyone in real life you can tell in confidence? A friend or family member.

You can always ring the Samaritans too at any time, if you wish to speak to (or cry to!) a real person, that's what they are there for - to talk.
Stay strong. Best of luck with it.

Why should you be the one to sleep in a strange bed, away from your child, who might be anxious if you're not there?

Send him away for the night to get over the hangover and think about what he did.

He's using your money, family money, your child's money, to feed his various vices. These only get worse and more expenses.

He's using a prostituted woman whose welfare he knows and cares nothing about as wank fodder.

He's doing this while hungover with you and your child right next to him.

Cancel your hosting plans tomorrow - tell them you have sickness in the house, or tell them you're having a marriage crisis - depends how well you know and can trust them.

And as Mumsnetters so often advise, start getting those ducks in a row.

Screenshot any evidence of what he's been doing and spending money on (bank and credit card statements, phone stuff if you can). This is to help support you if he tries denying, blaming you etc.

OP, follow your instinct about going to a hotel for the night to get away from him. You have already said he was shocked you would do that. Good !
Shock him some more by writing down exactly what you think of him now and of what he has done to betray you. Tell him how he has risked / thrown away the chance of happiness for all three of you and you have no idea of the future because you can’t get past how repulsed you feel. Then hand him your shocking written words to read only when you walk out of the door.
Cancel your social activities for tomorrow. Concentrate on your dc until he/she is asleep. Then let him talk. Don’t say anything except to repeat the words you wrote.
Let his words sink in. Let his true demeanour reveal itself.
Only you can judge how it might be possible (or not) to move forward.

That's absolute rubbish. No decent married person "seeks it elsewhere" while continuing to be in their marriage. If they are that desperate, then they should leave.

In any case, the H is the one who has caused the problems in his marriage. He should be contrite and committed to fixing it.

Poor you. Can understand why you're hurt. I think only fans has escort vibes and therefore not really the same as porn.

Reading your posts OP I'm struggling to understand what you're trying to hold on to here. He has no respect for you whatsoever, so what is to cling on to?

This isn't family or love, it's misery. I know it's always easy to say but sometimes you can't mend what's been broken.

This lady needs time. She literally only just found this out.

She was committed to working through their other marriage issues. He isn't. He has very clearly demonstrated who he is, and if she stays with him, she will always be waiting for the next stunt he pulls behind her back.

I don't think it's fixable either. That he did this, lying beside the OP and their DC, and at a time when they have been having counselling and trying to move forward with their marriage, is just unforgiveable.

Run for the hills. Addictive behaviours chip away at a marriage because you just lose your trust.
Pornhub is vile. Anyone who uses it knows they are supporting a platform that displays trafficked women and rape without a moment of regret. It doesn't matter if he watches legal pornography on it, he is supporting a platform that happily makes money out of the sexual abuse of women even fighting them when they try to get the videos taken down.
Get rid. He is not going to stop. You are worth more than this, OP. Stop wasting your money on expensive counselling and start putting some away in savings.

OP why have you made a point of commenting that 'he looks so hungover'. Are you trying to convince yourself that he too drunk to really know what he was doing?

The drunk/ hungover thing is bullshit and an excuse.
They bought a bottle of wine.
Op drank 2 glasses.
So OP's husband drank 4. Over the course of an evening.
There's no way he was still drunk this morning either.

You deserve so much better but you already know this

I am going to say LTB.

What a pig. He won't change.

Also, I honestly don't want to kick you when you're down - truly - I've been there, but it's likely this is tge tip of the iceberg.

I agree with a pp that he's in therapy to get what he wants - sex.

You deserve better and I'm sorry that this is so painful and shocking. Do get sxreenshots as he'll lie/deny later on if he can and make you feel crazy.

If you have a trusted friend to discuss this with, would that help?

This was me, in our bed, with our child. To my shame, more than once. Beyond the humiliation, is the realisation that it's not only you they do not value and respect, but your child, and your family unit. Frankly, it was comparable to him picking up some dog shit and smeared it in my and my child's face. I'm so sorry.

You’re actually blaming the op for her sleazebag husband looking at porn? Porn is a vile abusive trade. She hasn’t given him the green light to do anything. He’s made himself unattractive and unfuckable with his horrible behaviour and it’s her fault? Jesus Christ. If sex is important to men for a happy marriage how about they treat their wives with respect?

He’s an addict who has done no work on himself. When challenged he changes the focus of his addiction. This man will eventually destroy your family.

Really don’t mean to put the boot in but, kindly, do you really want to have to go through marriage counselling to relearn how to want to have sex with your own husband?

What for…? to learn to disrespect your own boundaries?

This is what’s happening:

Him: Can i lie to you?
You: Ok, yes. I’ll absorb it and move on.

Him: Can I gamble with your money?
You: Ok, I’ll let you get away with it.

Him: Can I complain about a lack of sex life and guilt you into letting wank to porn instead of sorting out our marriage?
You: Yeah ok, I’ll just excuse myself.

Him: What about sneak on onlyfans and spend our money messaging sex workers day and night, can I do that?

……….now you have two answers to this question so it’s up to you which one you choose.

You 1: Sure why not honey…I have no boundaries anyway!
You 2: No. Fuck your bad behaviour and disrespect. I am worth a gentleman. I am worth a man who loves and respects me and you’ve made it clear you don’t. Bye.

then there’s bonus option 3…
You 3: Yes you CAN and I’ll let you get away with it but I’m furious and betrayed by it so I’m not going to want to have sex with you but will make you sit suffering in marriage counselling for the next year while you pretend you’re ok with that but grow gradually more resentful and use my refusal to have sex with you as an excuse to have an affair.

I know this sounds really harsh and tough love but it’s just so bad! You are the only person who is with you for your whole life so please treat yourself with love!

I mean you can continue go to marriage counselling but they can’t undo what he’s done. He can’t undo what he’s done. So all that can happen is you suck it up and repress the hurt he’s caused you.

he has no respect. He’s lied, gambled your money, now he’s using sex workers (this is sooo unlikely to be his first time - check his email, surely if he signed up to onlyfans last night he’d have some kind of account confirmation email come through last night too)

next he’ll be doing what someone else on here posted earlier and asking to have an affair under the guise of polyamory.

he wants sex - with anyone.
you don’t want sex with him.
That’s the long and short of it.

you say you haven’t many friends. Are you holding on to something because you don’t know how your life would be if you left? Because I’m betting it would be much better. Scary at first maybe. But in the long run holding your boundaries and self respect is everything.

(signed by someone who has not respected their own boundaries PLENTY of times so is definitely not judging!)

This

OP I am so sorry. I know you are trying to save the marriage but he isn't. I would ask him no tell him to move out whilst you get your head together. After a few days you will find peace without him being there and then you decide what to do.

Same. I found out about his porn use ..he promised not to...he was found out twice after that. He also escalated to talking online to webcam women and God knows what else. He had E.D issues but didn't want sex with me. Nothing to do with me, im pretty hot actually lol ..he was just lazy. I got rid..was together 25 year. Been split up 3. They don't change o.p...please hear it...they promise but go back to it. I gave him chances and he shat allover them. Its like i was condoning what he was doing because i tried to save it all. Wish i hadn't, because it gave me ptsd, severely. Run OP

Yes @ohdamnitjanet yes yes.
Agree 100%. I couldn't have sex with my ex after similar, i was disgusted with him... would he be thinking of these women whilst having sex with me..etc. unworkable.
I ended it eventually, but not until i got ptsd from this relationship and his habits. I despise porn and anything linked to it, and i don't care for anyone's reasoning on it, there is none

If you are happy that he was messaging because he had a drink or 4 then go about your life

however being pissed doesn't excuse the shit dismissive betrayal.

Not much on mumsnet really gets me but this is awful. A mum reading to her child trying her best all ways round and then having to deal with this. Him thinking he has the right to tear up lives especially of his little child. It has really got to me. I will never understand some men. I am so so dreadfully sorry OP. Thinking of you.

You don't have to pretend that everything is ok when your friends come tomorrow. Just tell them what he has done.

And his parents, and your parents.

Why hide his shitty behaviour for him? Blow it open and see how other people react. He is the one who should be ashamed, not you.

I would absolutely go and stay in a hotel tonight too. I know most people would say it’s the wrong thing to do but for me, I would absolutely need that time on my own to work through things, to plan what I needed to say and what responses I would need to hear in order to either move forward or move on. Maybe op is a bit like this too. And a night on your own in a hotel, without DC is surely a little treat. I know it would be for me