I’ve made the biggest mistake today with School and my DD will pay for it

[Year5For3days]

DD is 9, Year 5.

Going on residential trip for 3 days at the end of November with School.

Had a meeting about it today to discuss some minor adjustments we’re talking small things like sleeping arrangements and giving of medication we’re not talking huge issues or things that can’t be overcome which makes me feel even worse. I’ve had a bad feeling about it since it was announced. I don’t know why; DD goes away with her dad (my ex-husband) and Scouts (Cubs) all the time and I never feel weird or strange about it. Scouts have never had a meeting with me about it I think that was why, but I know they’re different to school.

I told the Deputy Head running the trip how I felt and it descended into an argument between me and her. I didn’t mean for it to happen and I know she feels strongly about it, she’s run the trip every year since she started working at the school in 2013 (which is the year before DD was born ironically) and nothing has ever gone wrong, ever apparently. They’ve had 1 minor injury in all those years - a bumped head on the last day and the child still got on the bus and came back to school with them, and 1 bout of sickness where 2 kids were sent home, otherwise it’s always ran without a hitch.

But I have a really bad feeling about it, and I can’t describe it. It’s not about the money, I’d happily pay for DD to stay at school or keep her home for the 3 days. I couldn’t describe it and that’s why it turned into an argument I think, I’m keeping my stance that DD is not going, and the DHT wants her to go. Things got a bit heated; no-one swore or threw insults around but I did end up crying. And the DHT did say several times “I don’t get what the issue, I can’t see any reason (DDs name) can’t join us” and another teacher heard the discussion and came in to try to mediate unsuccessfully. Meeting ended with no resolution as it was end of the day and I had to join the queue to get DD and DHT had to be with her class.

I’m now worried that DD is going to be seen as strange or odd. DHT is DDs Maths teacher (but not class teacher) so I didn’t want to make things worse.

I don’t think anything can reassure me that it will be ok. I don’t know why I feel like this. DD went away with Cubs in the summer and that was wild camping for a week 3 hours’ drive away, not anything like the school trip which is staying in a hostel less than an hour’s drive from home still within the same county we live in and I had absolutely no qualms sending her with Cubs in fact I cheered after I’d dropped her. She was fine, worst thing that happened was she got stung by a nettle but she coped. And I don’t think that’s what I’m worried about.

How bad are things going to be for DD next week? Or will they be trying to get her to persuade me to send her? As I said I’m not concerned about the money.

What you say goes in this kind of instance, OP, and a teacher has no right to badger you if you've said no.

Bullshit. There will be loads of times the OP had a bad feeling but nothing happened, she will have just paid less attention to those. This isn't premonition. It's anxiety and confirmation bias.

If she isn't going, I'm confused as to why a meeting was necessary. The teacher probably felt like you massively wasted her time.

I have learnt to trust my feelings and instincts over the years. The thing is you’ll never find out if you were wrong and she would have been fine, but you will know if something happens. I think sometimes you understand these things much later as well, it will suddenly make sense.

Op this is really good advice. I too imagine every terrible scenario imaginable with my daughter going places. But I find once she's there I'm fine and I can't let my anxiety effect her or limit her. But I do understand you

The DHT presumably thought she was going into a meeting where a parent was going to raise some concerns that needed to be addressed, and some adjustments that needed to be made, so that a child with some medical issues could join in with a trip.

From the OP's perspective, it might have felt like an "argument" when from the DHT's perspective, it could've just been her responding to each possible difficulty with the way it could be dealt with. Naturally, then, once it's been established that all the requested special arrangements can be made, but the parent is now saying they're still unsatisfied and the child can't go, she's going to ask something similar to “I don’t get what the issue, I can’t see any reason (DDs name) can’t join us”, to try and elicit just what problem it is that's still being left unaddressed — what barriers remain that the DHT hasn't understood and can perhaps help remove.

It seems like there's something else that the mother wants so that the child can go, otherwise why would she have come in for a meeting? If she was going to refuse no matter what arrangements might be offered, surely she'd have just declined to give permission, not gone in for a meeting to discuss adjustments. (And if there was something in the discussion that could've made it apparent that DD couldn't, in OP's judgement, be adequately catered for, OP would've presumably been able to explain that.)

At least, that seems a reasonable explanation for the DHT's "argumentativeness" — an attempt to remove the barriers to this child attending, on the understanding that that was what the OP was there to achieve, and not understanding that the OP's anxiety was mounting and causing her to pull right back from the whole thing emotionally. All interpreted in a combative way by the anxious and upset OP.

Maybe the DHT was actually unprofessional, and argued with OP in a way she shouldn't have done, but I don't think that's 100% clear from the description.

I think you are being terribly selfish. Anxiety which Interferes with your life is not healthy and not constructive, yet you are happy to make a decision based on irrationality? It would be fine if it was only affecting you but you are taking a fantastic experience away from your child. You are deliberately causing her to be the odd one out when she would like to go, how horrible for her.

honestly, I think this is an extremely poor parenting move. the deputy head won't think your daughter is weird, they will Likely feel sorry for her.

My rule of thumb is as follows.
Trust your gut: applies to specific people.
Question your anxiety: applies to general situations, like travel etc.

I do think there are times when you need to trust your instincts about particular people. But a general bad feeling is probably less trustworthy.

I have anxiety. I feel anxious every time I get into a car. I’ve had some frightening experiences in cars. But they were entirely unpredictable. My frightening experiences with people were much more about my failure to acknowledge red flags, and therefore a bit more predictable if I had recognised the signs.

I really don’t believe in premonitions but I do think that patterns of behaviour are worth acknowledging.

You have a bad feeling about he going, your daughter is feeling uneasy about staying overnight, and the teacher berated you when you said you didn't want her to go?

I think you made the right decision.

Instinct is really important. Often it's wrong. Sometimes it's right, the product of lots of little things that seem a bit off, which you can't quite articulate yet.

It's especially useful to listen to instinct when you can't identity the reason you feel something is off. If you can identify the reason then you can bring your logic to bear to evaluate it. If your can't identity why then your logical mind can't assist you. In those cases especially, be cautious.

(Said as a non-neurotic parent with no personal qualms about trips).

Fellow anxiety sufferer here, OP. I think catastrophising is different to instinct.

Write down your thoughts and see if you can pin point the actual reason for your worries. If you can and it's something to be reasonably expected but you worry about it excessively, then I think you should consider letting your DD go.

If you still can't pin point it through this process then you just have the sixth sense and I'd never ignore it.

The DHT knows how this will play out. Your daughter won't just miss out on the days of the residential. It's November and this trip will be recalled and referred to most days for the remaining 8 months of Year 6. Shared experiences will strengthen existing friendships or contribute to the forging of new ones. This can lead to feelings of alienation for those who don't go. When year sixes are asked to recall their favourite memory for leavers assembly or the year book, they'll 7/10 recall the residential with little "in" jokes.

I was the child with the mum that suffered with anxiety. Please get yourself help, it’s not fair on the child.

My dd had a classmate whose mum wouldn't give permission to go on s local wildlife walk in y2, citing 'health and safety'. Mum is hugely anxious and years later this means the child (now doing gcses) has never, ever done a school trip and is exceptionally anxious herself, about everything. She is described as wierd by other kids.

I think you are doing your dd great harm op. The trip is well managed, has a great safety record, and will be adequately staffed. The opportunity for non-academic experience and personal development are invaluable. Get help for your anxiety.

I don't understand why you think it's ironic that the teacher started her job at the school the year before your daughter was born?

Did anything happen to you at your daughters age? That can sometimes happen when your child reached the age it happened you. It doesn’t have to be anything too bad but maybe it’s some explanation?

I hope it all works out ok for you.

Have you had any therapy / treatment other than meds for your anxiety? Sounds like you could really benefit from some. I guess the DHT can see there’s no actual solid reason and knows your child would like to attend and benefit from going so is pushing a little.

How long is the trip? I remember getting totally over anxious over DS going on a trip to the beach. I got into a state over it, imagining all sorts. But it was fine. And I went to the GP to discuss and was prescribed some medication. As someone who grew up with a very anxious mother who never tried to hide it (no you can’t go on holiday with friends dads you could die in a car accident driving all that way to Spain). It was tough.

The school won’t think badly of your child.

The school will want your child to go because they care.

The school will feel exasperated when teachers give up so much of their own time and effort for these residentials and parents aren’t happy.

School will find it a shame that parents stop their children having these amazing experiences.

Please don’t pass your anxiety on to your child. The teacher clearly wants your child to go because they know they’ll have an amazing time. Schools do risk assessments for every second of a trip and I mean EVERY second.

I feel sorry for your daughter as you are laying your anxieties on her.

Why is the teacher so invested in your DC going on this trip ? Very strange that they had time to arrange a meeting to discuss one child’s school trip.

I do get why school want her to go as it will be something they’ve all been looking forward to and the dht doesn’t want her to miss out. It might be worth sending a message to apologise for how heated it got and that wasn’t your intention but either way it won’t have an impact on your child and how she is treated in school.

would her going in the day and being picked up at night help you at all or is it all or nothing? Just thinking if there might be any compromise that might help you?

Parents send their DC off on trips at the drop of a hat with numerous adults they do not know well which I’ve always been bemused by. If it’s not your anxiety OP, it’s a massive case of instinct which should never be ignored.

Your poor child will end up with anxiety disorders if you continue to not let her experience normal school child activities.

Let her go. Don’t be that parent.

You’re being unfair on your daughter, I get your anxious but you can’t let your anxiety hold your daughter back.

My 15 yo daughter has a seizure medical condition. Her heart stops beating. She doesn’t faint, she launches backwards, rigid and could severely injure herself. Her heart automatically restarts and she is unwell for anything from hours if a partial seizure to several days.

Luckily she now recognises symptoms and has a few seconds to react. It could be absolutely catastrophic if it happens at the wrong time and she cannot move for at least a hour after. Vomiting, she dies (it systematically happens when she vomits). Swimming, she dies. Don’t get drunk, don’t do anything stupid, sit next to a strong adult on the ski lift in case of feeling ill, a nose bleed. Etc etc.

As I say, dd is 15 and she recently went to the US with school. I cannot tell you how hard that was especially as she had chest pain after the last one (new symptom) whilst at the GP, who called an ambulance about a week before. I was going out of my mind all week because she wasn’t telling me when she felt bad. She avoided a seizure on the plane on the way out there for example. I knew but couldn’t break a confidence.

Your dd has, what is really quite a minor if horrible condition, poor thing. I have chronic pain.

You have to let your child go and experience things. She will be at secondary the year after she goes on the residential and you are going to see a lot of changes. It is really hard to let go. But you need to for your DD’s sake.